Rejected...twice.Completely heartbroken after the second rejection.

Me and this girl have been in the same group of friends for about 2 years now.I always found her attractive and there always was a hint of flirting on both sides,however we both were in relationships at different periods of time so nothing more could occur.Around 6 months ago we started talking more and more and things started heating up between us.However,since we were friends for so long and she was still talking to a couple of guys I was reluctant as to what her intentions really were.I was still talking to other girls since she was doing the same until we started talking on a daily basis all the time.Then,about 4 months ago I decide to make a move on her and see where things go.One day we were hanging out with a couple of friends and I was super flirty with her.She was reciprocating (holding hands,super touchy and flirty,basically you could tell we are a couple) and after walking her to her house I decide to go for the kiss.To my surprise,I end up getting the cheek and a hug from her.I totally didn't expect this since the signs showed that it was time to make a move.I took the rejection pretty well by not making a deal out of it however I became distant after this incident and so did she.Truth is,I had already started falling for her at this point.Since we were in the same group of friends we still hang out occasionally however nothing more happened at the time.

A couple of moths go by and we end up having a talk about what occurred between us that night.She complained that we were drifting apart from each other and wanted to know why.I told her I made my intentions clear and she told me that she too was into me.However since I was talking to another girl back when we started talking more often she decided to pretend there was nothing between us and act as if nothing happened in order to not ruin our friendship.I told her that I was not sure of her intentions since she was the one doing this first (she had posted a picture of her and her ex,went out on a date right after we hang out once as well) and it really bothered me at the time,however since things were not clear between us I did not really blame her but I believed she kept me as an option so since I was single I was not going to wait for her to find out if there was anyone out there more fitting than me.I then went on to tell her that I could not see her as a friend anymore and was interested in her and if she wanted something else I could not see the reason to keep pretending there was nothing between us,it's not fair to me and her either.She told me she did not have all the answers at the time so we left it at that.

We sort of drifted apart for some time after out talk up until a week ago.We started talking daily again and hang out a couple of times,the last one being 4 days ago at a party of a mutual friend.During our time there we were pretty much talking to one another all night in a flirting manner occasionally.She told me to walk her to her house we end up leaving the party together.After arriving and since things were going well throughout the night I go for the kiss.Again,she gives me the cheek like the last time.At this point,I was sure she was playing me for a fool and fed up with this situation I leave.The next morning she texts me apologizing for the night before and that she feels an intimacy she cant handle.I told her that I don't see believe there is anything more to say.That was the last time we talked.

Since that night I have been a complete mess.Getting rejected twice by someone who you had fallen in love with was something I didn't believe I was about to experience.It has been a struggle getting up for work every morning and I feel like a total mess throughout the whole day.I decided to not let myself open up to her again and cut off all contact in order to move on,since both times I did I ended up getting hurt.My friends tell me that she played me for a fool the whole time to which I partly agree.They witnessed the whole situation from a third point of view so their opinion is more objective than mine.How does one move on from such a humiliating experience?This feels like a break up,adding the fact that I never got the chance to take things to the next level with someone I really wanted to.

The problem is that she has been clear that she is not interested in a relationship, but you ignore it. No matter how much she enjoys the flirty banter, she has been clear. If you had reconnected, I think it was a good time since she gave you the cheek before to be upfront with her - that you only want to see her if it is a date. Does she just not want to date *you* and she is giving other excuses not to hurt you, or does she not really want anybody serious? Who really knows. No one does. Its not worth asking her about it --- but if someone says "i don't have all the answers" the last time we spoke, i certainly would inquire as to their intentions when they called again. I think its best to no longer communicate with her. If she calls you again, you can tell her that you think its best that you don't see her and the reason why if you think it will help you.

Well,she told me that she was looking for something serious at one point during our talks however her actions showed otherwise.I guess my feelings at the time clouded my judgement and I chose to believe the former.One thing I know is that she has had a horrible past with all her exes.

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Since that night I have been a complete mess.Getting rejected twice by someone who you had fallen in love with was something I didn't believe I was about to experience.It has been a struggle getting up for work every morning and I feel like a total mess throughout the whole day.I decided to not let myself open up to her again and cut off all contact in order to move on,since both times I did I ended up getting hurt.My friends tell me that she played me for a fool the whole time to which I partly agree.They witnessed the whole situation from a third point of view so their opinion is more objective than mine.How does one move on from such a humiliating experience?This feels like a break up,adding the fact that I never got the chance to take things to the next level with someone I really wanted to.

Call her up right now and ask her on a date. Tell her you would like to date her officially. See, usually people ask for a date, they get that date and then they go from there. You're doing this thing where you talk to other girls, meet and talk with her under the guise of being friends and then hinge your entire future on a kiss from left field without any discussion of intent, availability, or status. She gives you the cheek and then you give up and go into depression. I mean why does she have to kiss you right then? Even if she feels she wants to be with you it dosn't mean she has to reciprocate that kiss right then and there. Ask her for a normal date, see if she accepts that then after multiple dates see if she's interested in a kiss. If you're unsure she'll kiss you back just ask. "Hey if I tried kissing you right now do you think I'd get cheek or a kiss back?"

Well,she told me that she was looking for something serious at one point during our talks however her actions showed otherwise.I guess my feelings at the time clouded my judgement and I chose to believe the former.One thing I know is that she has had a horrible past with all her exes.

When you confessed to her you were dating someone else. You were not available to date -- so there was little she could do with the revelation. and i bet the first kiss came out of left field for her - you were chatting and being silly or flirty or bantering and there were other friends there - the same friend group that was always there -- so she may not have thought you were seriously flirting.

And also, someone may be talking that they are looking for a serious relationship = but may not want one with you.

Call her up right now and ask her on a date. Tell her you would like to date her officially. See, usually people ask for a date, they get that date and then they go from there. You're doing this thing where you talk to other girls, meet and talk with her under the guise of being friends and then hinge your entire future on a kiss from left field without any discussion of intent, availability, or status. She gives you the cheek and then you give up and go into depression. I mean why does she have to kiss you right then? Even if she feels she wants to be with you it dosn't mean she has to reciprocate that kiss right then and there. Ask her for a normal date, see if she accepts that then after multiple dates see if she's interested in a kiss. If you're unsure she'll kiss you back just ask. "Hey if I tried kissing you right now do you think I'd get cheek or a kiss back?"

Of course I have asked her out on a date.All i got were excuses from her end.I really could not keep asking her out indefinitely.

edit: also,I told her I don't believe there is anything more to say,how would calling her now not show inconsistency on my part?

When you confessed to her you were dating someone else. You were not available to date -- so there was little she could do with the revelation. and i bet the first kiss came out of left field for her - you were chatting and being silly or flirty or bantering and there were other friends there - the same friend group that was always there -- so she may not have thought you were seriously flirting.

 

And also, someone may be talking that they are looking for a serious relationship = but may not want one with you.

I know that I was not totally upfront with her,but she was also dating other people while we were talking before me.That made me think that it was all my idea (the fact that she was into me) and left me really confused at the time.Also,on both of these occasions we were all alone with no one around,our friends were't there

Of course I have asked her out on a date.All i got were excuses from her end.I really could not keep asking her out indefinitely.

 

edit: also,I told her I don't believe there is anything more to say,how would calling her now not show inconsistency on my part?

So she never said no to not dating you just that the date in question wasn't feasible? Can you ask her if she's ever interested in dating you? Like if not now maybe in 20 minutes, a few days or a few weeks?

Showing consistency doesn't matter when you have no intention of being with her outside of a relationship. You just say you were feeling hurt but after talking with others the recommendation was to get a clear answer on dating. You're interested and if she is then great.

So she never said no to not dating you just that the date in question wasn't feasible? Can you ask her if she's ever interested in dating you? Like if not now maybe in 20 minutes, a few days or a few weeks?

 

Showing consistency doesn't matter when you have no intention of being with her outside of a relationship. You just say you were feeling hurt but after talking with others the recommendation was to get a clear answer on dating. You're interested and if she is then great.

Well,I guess you are right.Even though my last response to her was that I don't believe there is anything more to say,she knew I was hurt by what occurred last night,she even apologized to me about it.I really don't know however.I believe that she won't talk to me or that she will just reject any kind of proposal.I don't know if I will be able to handle that...

Well,I guess you are right.Even though my last response to her was that I don't believe there is anything more to say,she knew I was hurt by what occurred last night,she even apologized to me about it.I really don't know however.I believe that she won't talk to me or that she will just reject any kind of proposal.I don't know if I will be able to handle that...

You've got nothing to lose at this point. If she says no then you're already at no so that answer doesn't change your situation much. And besides, if this doesn't pan out you're not going to see her much anyway. After a while you won't even care she said no. People love because they think things would be great if they were able to get the one they love. If the one they love doesn't feel that way it settles in after a while. And then even if you see them you're like "meh, that's the one that doesn't do much loving."

And let's suppose she does say no, that's ok. It's not wrong for you to ask to find out and it's not wrong for her to not have feelings. If her grandmother was super into you and said you remind her of her husband and she "flirted" with you with lots of milk and cookies like every night for months. And then after all that baking you say no to dating her then is it your fault you're not that into her? I mean you like the company, you love the cookies and wish you could remain friends but you may just not see her grandmother the same way. Sometimes people have reasons. She may feel that a stable 2 year relationship is worth more to her than another soon to be ex based on her experiences. She may be worried that she'll screw this one up too and lose a friend. Or she may not have the same attraction and be attracted to fat bald guys. There's no rhyme or reason to attraction so it wouldn't be her fault for saying no, nor yours for seeking a yes.

You've got nothing to lose at this point. If she says no then you're already at no so that answer doesn't change your situation much. And besides, if this doesn't pan out you're not going to see her much anyway. After a while you won't even care she said no. People love because they think things would be great if they were able to get the one they love. If the one they love doesn't feel that way it settles in after a while. And then even if you see them you're like "meh, that's the one that doesn't do much loving."

 

And let's suppose she does say no, that's ok. It's not wrong for you to ask to find out and it's not wrong for her to not have feelings. If her grandmother was super into you and said you remind her of her husband and she "flirted" with you with lots of milk and cookies like every night for months. And then after all that baking you say no to dating her then is it your fault you're not that into her? I mean you like the company, you love the cookies and wish you could remain friends but you may just not see her grandmother the same way. Sometimes people have reasons. She may feel that a stable 2 year relationship is worth more to her than another soon to be ex based on her experiences. She may be worried that she'll screw this one up too and lose a friend. Or she may not have the same attraction and be attracted to fat bald guys. There's no rhyme or reason to attraction so it wouldn't be her fault for saying no, nor yours for seeking a yes.

True,I doubt anything could make me feel worse that I have been feeling over the last few days.Besides,if she truly values me as a person in her life she will be willing to talk about our situation and clarify any misconceptions.And if she doesn't,well I have managed to get over a 3,5 year relationship with a girl I genuinely thought I was going to marry so I know firsthand everything heals with time.

Any advice on how to proceed from here?I think telling her I would like to talk up close about us and what occurred would be the best option at this point.

True,I doubt anything could make me feel worse that I have been feeling over the last few days.Besides,if she truly values me as a person in her life she will be willing to talk about our situation and clarify any misconceptions.And if she doesn't,well I have managed to get over a 3,5 year relationship with a girl I genuinely thought I was going to marry so I know firsthand everything heals with time.

 

Any advice on how to proceed from here?I think telling her I would like to talk up close about us and what occurred would be the best option at this point.

If it's easy to do that then go for it. Just let her know you're interested in finding out what she'd like with you and that any answer is ok. If it's not a romantic relationship it will take some no contact time for you and then you two can reconnect later when you're over her. Either way you're looking for a definite answer from her and as you said, clarifying misconceptions.

One thing I'd like to add, losing a friend hurts a lot even without the romantic feelings. So if she says no and you go no contact, it will still hurt her because she loses a friend that cared for her. As a side note, every time that "New Rules" song plays on the radio, I think of the poor guy that keeps calling her and she keeps giving him the cold shoulder. Yeah I get that she's in love but still it hurts him that she just ghosted him out of nowhere. It's not his fault he didn't fall in love, but because she did, he loses a friend and is stuck calling her over and over. And then she takes that experience, sings it, and makes millions off of it. Does she then share it with that friend in any way? No, he loses a friend first and then the opportunity to be friends with a millionaire.

If it's easy to do that then go for it. Just let her know you're interested in finding out what she'd like with you and that any answer is ok. If it's not a romantic relationship it will take some no contact time for you and then you two can reconnect later when you're over her. Either way you're looking for a definite answer from her and as you said, clarifying misconceptions.

 

One thing I'd like to add, losing a friend hurts a lot even without the romantic feelings. So if she says no and you go no contact, it will still hurt her because she loses a friend that cared for her. As a side note, every time that "New Rules" song plays on the radio, I think of the poor guy that keeps calling her and she keeps giving him the cold shoulder. Yeah I get that she's in love but still it hurts him that she just ghosted him out of nowhere. It's not his fault he didn't fall in love, but because she did, he loses a friend and is stuck calling her over and over. And then she takes that experience, sings it, and makes millions off of it. Does she then share it with that friend in any way? No, he loses a friend first and then the opportunity to be friends with a millionaire.

I guess I'll know soon enough.Regardless of the outcome I believe this will help with my current situation.Thanks a lot,having this conversation made me feel a lot better actually!

Of course I have asked her out on a date.All i got were excuses from her end.I really could not keep asking her out indefinitely.

 

edit: also,I told her I don't believe there is anything more to say,how would calling her now not show inconsistency on my part?

That's exactly what it is, excuses. She wants a relationship, just not w/you. Do not let her play you like w/you.

Honestly, I would not go for #3 chance and i would not ask what she wants. She has turned to give you her cheek twice. You have confessed your feelings before as well. . When she came back, knowing how you feel, she didn't tell you she thought what you said over and came running into your arms - it was more of the same noncommittal banter followed by a cheek turn again. Honestly, who does that to someone?

If i knew a guy friend was head over heels for me (this actually happened once. Someone who i volunteered with expressed his feelings for me, told me how he felt when he first met me - but i couldn't reciprocate. I was in a relationship albeit a crap one.) I would not talk every night. I would not spend one on one time with him to toy with his feelings, nor spend time in very small groups with him (ie, both of us plus one or two - no. At a conference with 20 people - fine). And that is exactly what i did. I don't know if she likes the ego stroke or what

@keldim

How old are U? And how old is she? Just wondering and trying understand her I guess ?

My mate is currently in a similar situation like you are , and one thing I did tell him, Don't for once ever think that she is "confused ", we need to cut that out, most times, guys feel girls don't know what they want, and we push a little bit more, they will see this is the guy who fights for me and Voila! Run into your arms.

A clear example of this is the other guy in the picture, buying her heaven and earth, she not attracted to any of you, that might be hard to take but take it face up.

Try to concentrate and other ladies who are more interested, and make no mistakes you definitely know when a lady is interested in you.

She just isn't into you that way, OP.

I know women like her (and some men, granted) who will be happy to lap up attention and limited affection from a guy but not want anything more. These guys become the security blanket when the ladies are feeling a little bored or lonely.

Her intentions are already clear, in my opinion. She can't handle the intimacy because, well, she isn't into you like that.