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Husband staring at the waitress. Am I crazy?


MicaDiaz

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So my husband is one of those guys who is literally so respectful to me and wouldn’t tolerate any kind of cheating. He’s very committed to our relationship and does everything to make me happy. I have never not trusted him because I believe he can look at other women just because it’s a normal thing and he has eyes and other people are attractive. But this is driving me crazy. So 2 weeks ago we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant and there was this new waitress who is a very cute girl anyway, I could see that she kept getting his attention. Like I said I’ve never had this problem with my husband of being caught staring at other women to the point that I have to tell him something about it. But this time was different and it hurt me but we went home and I never told him anything about it. Well the weird thing is that he never suggests we go to that restaurant. I always bring it up. But for some reason after the day we saw her on the same week he asked me if I wanted to go there. He didn’t know better because I never asked him about staring at her. Anyway I didn’t wanna go that day because I really didn’t want to eat that. Fast forward to last night he suggested it again and I accepted. So we went to eat dinner there with our baby. And there she was. And it just happens that he had to sit facing her since she was working behind the bar. So I knew she was there he had no clue that I was gonna notice if he was staring at her or not.. and oh surprise! He was staring at her multiple times! I’m not even kidding. This may sound crazy but this is the first time I’ve seen him look at someone like that. So at the end of dinner I couldn’t help myself and confronted him. I told him oh you’re looking at the new girl behind the bar? You’ve been staring there for the longest. And his answer was “I’ve seen her before and I wasn’t looking at her I was staring at the tv” (Bullcrap). We got into the biggest argument about the waitress it was so weird and I sound like a psycho but I was so hurt and jealous because in my heart I believe that since the first time he saw her he’s been wanting to go there. Or I’m just making up all this in my head and he just thinks he’s pretty and he really was staring at the tv. He told me if in my heart I believe that he would manage to get me to go to the restaurant so he can stare at her then I need to leave him. And honestly in my heart I do believe that. And I would never want anything like this stupid thing to break us apart but again. This is the first time he’s done this and I wonder if he’s starting to find other women attractive and not me anymore.

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He clearly finds her attractive, some people just happen to catch our eye more than others. But that doesn't mean he will do anything about it, or that he would jeopardize his family over the waitress.

I would too feel uncomfortable, to be honest.

Since an argument already happened, I'm sure your husband will understand if you two avoid that specific restaurant going forward. If he still insists on going there, or if he starts going by himself (which you may not find out unfortunately), then you have your answer and know that you have a decision to make.

But hopefully he will agree that it's best to steer clear of that place, as nothing good can come of it at this point.

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You claim he's never cheated and is very respectful. How old is your baby? Have you gotten back in shape or are you suddenly concerned with your desirability? How is your romantic/sex life since then? Do you ever get a sitter and just go out with the two of you? Are you working?

 

Unfortunately it seems you've had a sudden drastic change in your self confidence. Make an appointment with your doctor and get a physical and a referral to a therapist to help you sort through this.

We got into the biggest argument about the waitress it was so weird and I sound like a psycho but I was so hurt and jealous because in my heart I believe that since the first time he saw her he’s been wanting to go there. He told me if in my heart I believe that he would manage to get me to go to the restaurant so he can stare at her then I need to leave him. I wonder if he’s starting to find other women attractive and not me anymore.
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Possibly the two of you may need to get out more and it does sound like you are having some self confidence issues.

 

You have already had one argument over this, and it sounds like it was a big one. If he knows it upset you that much, surely he will be ok with not going back to that specific restaurant?

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Ok I'm gonna go out on a limb here, probably projecting my own past, but anyways, take it with a grain of salt. You say he is " respectful to me and wouldn’t tolerate any kind of cheating."; Maybe it's just wrong wording, but when we say someone is respectful to us, it usually follows with something they do to show their respect, not what they don't tolerate. If he is respectful to you by not tolerating any kind of cheating from you, it doesn't make sense. I wouldn't give this a second thought if you didn't add in the end "He told me if in my heart I believe that he would manage to get me to go to the restaurant so he can stare at her then I need to leave him." Again I see a guy who is passive aggressive? I do think I might be reading too much into this but you know, even weird perspective like this might help, even to exclude it.

 

In general, yeah, it happens, and as great96 said, if he insists to going to that restaurant knowing that it makes you uncomfortable, then it might be an issue, not only because of the girl but most importantly that it shows that he might not be respecting your feelings as much as you think.

 

I hate being in that position and I usually avoid bringing up "small" things like these but I'm realising now that it's human, both to be attracted to other people even when you're in a loving relationship and to feel insecure about your partner doing so. It's ok that you felt insecure and talked to him about it, don't feel bad about that, you seem like a reasonable person given that it was the first time you actually felt the need to confront him.

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My baby is 15 months old. I’m 120 lbs lol. I did went on a diet and worked out my way back to my old weight. But still my body is not the same anymore. Yes. I have been dealing with insecurity. Not to be biased but I’m considered to be an attractive person. And my husband last night told me when he met me this would’ve never been an issue because I’ve always been so confident and loved myself until now. He said he doesn’t like me like this (insecure). I just feel different since I became a mom. I’m working on being confident again but it’s hard when this type of things happen. I wish I could back to old me because he’s right. I would’ve never felt intimidated by that girls looks. I can’t help but to feel betrayed or disappointed. Not sure what the word is but I’m very down about it that I even created this account to get peoples points of view. I thought I was going crazy

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Yes. He said that he’s never gonna ask me to go there. He said he only suggested we go there because I’ve been very stressed out with the baby and too all of this we’re fixing to go on a 2 week trip out of the country so I’ve been kinda busy with that. So since we usually go to only 2 restaurants around here and I said I didn’t want to go to the Asian place he said he suggested the other one for me only. But I don’t know..

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Yes. He made it clear that we need to get out more. I’m a stay at home mom so he’s been working extra for this trip we’re going on. So it’s been rough because he’s been working a lot. He said when we get back from the trip we need to make a schedule and leave the baby with his mom so we can do stuff. And he also wants the baby out of room because it has stopped us from cuddling and just being together in our bed like we used to.

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My wife went through a similar issue after our children so I imagine it is pretty normal.

 

I am also a guy who honestly doesn't check out other woman. It isn't like I make a point to not it is just how I am.

 

After our first child (3 yo) and again after our next (6 mo) there was a period where she was insecure and also accused me of this even though I did nothing.

 

Until our daughter was 2 she was pretty insecure. She never was before, and she was like that again for about 3 months after our son was born.

 

It was also at a Mexican restaurant coincidentally enough. I dislike pretty much any sport, but there was an intense MMA fight on and that actually holds my attention.

 

She thought I was looking at an attractive waitress. When I said I was watching tv she called me out that I don't watch sports, and I explained it was a good fight. I don't think she really believed me until we talked about it later.

 

She said she even has noticed me do it a few times to her and that is why we have gone to that restaurant a few time more frequently lately. I called BS on all of this.

 

I also think I responded with a similar thing your husband said. Mine was "if you think that is something I would do then why are you with me?"

 

That isn't passive aggressive, that is just aggressive. Not really much passivity about it.

 

It did make me upset and I responded upset because that was something I wouldn't do and she really thought I did. She would have never jumped to that conclusion before kids so her questioning my loyalty really ticked me off.

 

I cannot say if your husband is like me or not. But he sounds similar. So I would just say look at your entire relationship and not judge him for something out of character if you think there is a chance you are misreading it.

 

If my wife kept getting so insecure it would really start to irk me. But luckily we talked it out a lot and she has been much better for awhile.

 

We started eating a bit healthier and working out together and that helped.

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He has some great ideas and seems to be helping a lot to make the transition to being parents, yet keeping the romance alive. Hopefully you are not being resistant to his good ideas. Why aren't you finding places to eat, things to do on date night or arranging babysitters? Your child should have his own room. Becoming paranoid and creating drama about it isn't helping you. Get to some fitness classes and join some mother/child play groups. You need to help yourself improve your situation. Your husband is trying very hard and so should you.

He made it clear that we need to get out more. I’m a stay at home mom so he’s been working extra for this trip we’re going on. we need to make a schedule and leave the baby with his mom so we can do stuff. And he also wants the baby out of room because it has stopped us from cuddling and just being together in our bed like we used to.
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So the guy's putting in extra hours to pay for a trip, is trying to organize date nights and ways to rekindle the romance after you two have had your hands full with the baby, and his reward is to be accused of dragging you out for his benefit of staring at an attractive waitress? I'm sorry, but that is bordering crazy. Which isn't to say you are crazy, but just how much you should really consider pursuing a therapy session or two if you're at the point of thinking your husband's efforts to revitalize your dating lives with each other is all a ruse to check out Stacy at the bar. I don't necessarily think it was the greatest thing for him to blurt out that last comment, but depending how "weird and psycho" you really were acting, you can only press someone so much before they throw their hands up.

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Thank you very much for your advice! I think it’s forum has made me change my mind a lot and maybe it’s all in my head. When I look at the big picture my husband just isn’t that guy. And he gows above and beyond to make our family happy. I need to love myself the way I used to so I don’t feel insecure about the way that he loves me

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Lol I swear I’m not a psycho. I guess being so insecure lately has driven me to that point. But your comment and the previous guy comment had made me open my eyes a lot about this situation. I need to work on myself again. I’ve been at home just taking care of the baby and not doing anything to feel good about myself. Thank you.

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Wow! That’s just crazy! And yes I guess you do sound a lot like him. He’s just a serious guy who doesn’t have many friends, I’m literally his best friend, he’s the Work-home home-work kind of guy. We do literally everything together and never get tired of it. This is exactly why I was so hurt. But I gotta admit that your comment was so on point that I even laughed about it now. I hope he felt the way you did. And I was being paranoid and I need to understand that is my fault if I’m not doing anything to feel better about myself. I appreciate y’all for taking the time to help me since I’m just a stranger. I’m glad I joined.

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This is the first time he’s done this and I wonder if he’s starting to find other women attractive and not me anymore.

You're not a psycho, but to assume your husband is never going to find anyone else but you attractive, and that this automatically means he is not attracted to you, is just plain wrong.

 

Finding other people attractive does not end when you put on a wedding ring. It's natural. It's what you do with that attraction that counts. And, lets face it, waitresses get hit on all day. They're used to it. Going after a customer, especially a taken one is just plain dumb. You could potentially lose that customer, and waitresses like to make money. This restaurant is already going to lose some business, due to her mere existence and your insecurities.

 

I would probably be a little put out if you went off on me like that (I'd apologize), but I would get over it, and looks like he's placating you by not suggesting you go there again. It sad he has to do that, but cest la vie.

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When do you plan to go back to work?

 

Honestly I know I'd start going nuts in a scenario like yours. Dependency on one person like that for an extended amount of time would wear me right down. When you depend on someone to the degree they are providing your livihood for you, it's so easy to hold on too tight ( because what would you do without them?).

At the very least, I hope you have your own savings .

 

It honestly sounds like you lost yourself somewhere along the way. Time to get her back in the saddle and to regain your sense of control over your own life.

Maybe for you , you can do that without working. But make a way somehow. Don't let your world get so small just cause you had a baby.

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Totally agree. And I’m aware that this is the problem. The 2 things he liked the most about me when we first met was that I was completely independent and beyond confindeng of myself. And like you said I’ve lost it by being so dependent of him, but at the same time he says he wouldn’t be able to do what he goes without everything I do at home and with the baby. I’m going back to work when we both feel we’re ready for our baby to go to daycare. We’ve very protective of him lol. But I think we’ve decided he’ll go when he’s 2. I’m sure that will help a lot. I’m not always insecure I just have my days. And with the situation from yesterday I just lost it. Thanks for your advice.

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I'm glad the advice have helped you but I feel a need to chime in. Yes being new parents is life changing. Men tend to feel left out, neglected because the baby takes up all your attention. What happens, everyone gets short sighted and only think about their own needs, and IMO your husband is not being very sensitive to you. In fact his attitude is terrible. You are not seeing things! he IS staring at the waitress, and I don't think it's very fair for him to talk to you that way about it....threatening to leave or telling you to leave screams guilt. He's busted. I get it, he isn't getting the attention he once had and maybe is feeling a little undesired, but there is not excuse for the way he talked to you. Seeing you upset he should have stepped in and calmed things down, but instead got his back up....not cool.

 

Anyways that's the way I see it. Everyone's advises to be more like a couple again and go out more, etc is a good start. Put it behind you and start fresh. I think after this blow out he will be more mindful where his eyes lay.

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Wow! That’s just crazy! And yes I guess you do sound a lot like him. He’s just a serious guy who doesn’t have many friends, I’m literally his best friend, he’s the Work-home home-work kind of guy. We do literally everything together and never get tired of it. This is exactly why I was so hurt. But I gotta admit that your comment was so on point that I even laughed about it now. I hope he felt the way you did. And I was being paranoid and I need to understand that is my fault if I’m not doing anything to feel better about myself. I appreciate y’all for taking the time to help me since I’m just a stranger. I’m glad I joined.
Honest he does sound like me.

 

I am serious too but I am just very blunt and extremely honest, sometimes a little too much.

 

I might be intense but I am also very loyal.

 

My wife also has never had an issue with me watching porn. I don't do it often, I just have a bit more of a libido than my wife.

 

She asked me to not watch it after the birth of our child because she was insecure and going through PPD (we both did actually).

 

I agreed because it isn't that big of a deal and if it helps her I don't care.

 

After a few months she told me she was much better and didn't care anymore.

 

I'm saying this because I don't know how many other issues you have but you might have some PPD.

 

That was a big reason she was so insecure. Because her asking something like that was totally out of character for her, or her accusing me of blatantly checking out a woman.

 

I do think that this is pretty common after childbirth.

 

Most woman feel a much higher dependence on their SO and that comes out as insecurity and scrutiny sometimes.

 

If that is left unchecked it can really undermine a great relationship.

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I see your point. But not he did not said this at first. When I first confronted him he was very taking up by surprise and try to calm things down. It was when things got bad once we got home that I kept on accusing him that he got pissed and said if I think that’s the kind of man he is I need to think twice on why I even wanna be with him because if he thought that I would wanna go back somewhere just to stare at some guy he would not be with me, that’s when he said I need to leave him if I honestly believe in my heart that he would do something like that specially in front of his wife and his Child. Not defending him at all. I’m the one with the issue here. Just narrowing down how the argument went and what made him say that. Obviously he didn’t show he wants me to leave him. He tried to come onto me and make me understand im the only one for him but I kept on rejecting him so yeah after that he got pissed 🤷🏽♀️. Thanks for your advice :)

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I totally appreciate all the hard work stay at home parents do; but it's not for everyone! If you are having major self-esteem issues, it sounds like you need something just for yourself. Whether time at the gym, a part-time job, or going back to work. I find in your scenerio, that when you focus on just the kiddo, and so little to nothing on yourself, you microscope yourself with something; could be looks, could be accomplishments. Even if one day a week, you do something for yourself.

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I'm so glad I was wrong! ( I am getting therapy for my issues lol)

 

Sounds like you have a good husband and it's normal what he did and it's also completely normal for you to feel insecure after a baby. I can't even imagine, but I see friends and family go through similar situations. A newborn takes a toll on every relationship and a personal one on each of the people involved. You're right, and wiseman2 and tattoobunnie gave you some great ideas about what to do. Focus on yourself, as much as you can because of the baby. Start your hobbies again if you abandoned them (reasonable) and that will help you gain back your confidence.

 

I'm sure you'll get back to your good ol' self fast!

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