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Thread: help, i don't want him talking to "other girl"

  1. #1
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    help, i don't want him talking to "other girl"

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and three months with a break up in the middle. We broke up because I was too clingy. (there were other factors but I accept blame and know that it was mostly because of me) When we got back together I changed completely and was totally comfortable with being less clingy and our relationship was great. However, I then found out that before we broke up the first time he was talking to someone else while we were dating, and though he readily denies it, I know he broke up with me for her.

    He was the one who initiated getting back together, though, and he said it was because he needed me, and he made a mistake by breaking up with me. This "split" literally only lasted a week. He called me and was very upset and said he wanted to work things out.

    I did not find this out until weeks after we got back together, and then, I reverted back to my clingy behaviors because I was so scared he was going to leave me again. We have argued more, and I do not feel secure because I never thought he would be the type to talk to someone else while in a relationship.

    Yesterday, we had a talk and he said things needed to change (in regards to my clinginess), and I want them to as well and it was a good talk. Mostly, though, he said that I needed to change and when I offered up some things he could work on, he didn't get mad, but he wasn't very understanding. He said he didn't want to have arguments anymore and I agree with that. However, the girl contacted him a few days ago. All she said was "hey," and he said "hey" back, and she said, "Why did you contact me the other day?" She mistook him for someone else and yes, I know this for a fact. I was logged into his Instagram on my phone and he knew that.

    After our talk he changed the password and said if I "needed" to know it, we weren't going to work. I don't need to know it, I was only logged in because he needed to use it on my phone and never logged out but I didn't like the ultimatum. He also just started following her on Instagram again yesterday, which bothers me very much. I don't want to start more arguments or seem clingy but it really upsets me he is following her and it bothers me more that he just started doing it yesterday after we had a talk. When I asked if I could at least know if he said anything back to her, he said verbatim, "I just want to delete the conversation with her, and then let this die tonight so we can move past it, I don't want to talk about this anymore and I want it to be over." If that's the case why did he start following her? I have not seen him today so I don't know his mood but I really want to bring it up so I can please tell him how much it bothers me he wants to remain some kind of contact with her.

    What should I do? Do you guys think he is leaving me for her again? Am I overreacting? Is it even worth bringing up?

    I also want to add he has apologized his fair share for what he did and for a long time was very understanding and helpful about my feelings. I found out about it about two months ago and it still plagues us so I think that's why he is getting so exasperated with it. Also: I am not against being less clingy. I want to. So please do not think that it's not something I am working on. My real issue is that he followed her again on instagram and I want to bring it up but I also don't want to start an argument after our talk. Her instagram is private so it is just painful to not know what is going on. Another thing: I am very aware I might be overreacting. Please just set me on the right track! I know our relationship is worth it and we can move past this problem, I just do not think we dealt with it enough when it first came up.

    Another edit: I don't really want to post my age because I know people are a little less concerned with young relationships on this forum because it's "not real" (no offense! I understand!) but: I am 17, he is 18, she is 20. They do not see each other ever, really, and they only met in person once. She is a friend of his older sister.
    Last edited by juliarmumford; 03-28-2018 at 10:17 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It doesn't matter whether there is nothing going on or not, what matters is how this makes YOU FEEL. IMO he is manipulating you into thinking it's all in your mind, hence his issue with your so called clinginess...that's called gaslighing. This in not how a loving healthy relationship should be. It leaves you paranoid, anxious and upset and that's because of his actions, not because you are a little clingy. Get it?

    It's not going to get better, this relationship will continue to suck. I say you are better off finding someone who doesn't lie to you or has a need to chat up other girls. Dump this chump.

  3. #3
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    We've all been there where we love someone and we want to believe them and we want to hope for the best. We self-talk to allow for the outcome we want, despite all evidence to the contrary. This guy makes you feel bad. Pay attention to your body and how you feel. If your friend was telling you the story you tell us, what advice would you give her? And less consequential, any time a man shuts you down and just wants something to be done with - 1. he's not honoring your feelings and 2. he doesn't want to delve into his accountability. Consider making a logical decision and seeking out someone who has the potential to honor you correctly. I've learned that keeping your heart open and knowing that there are bad people out there and you can get hurt, as long as you know that it is your responsibility to walk away when there is evidence that someone cannot treat you right.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I like that you are willing to work on your clingy behavior... but do this for you and your own self-worth, not to keep some shady dude happy. The more independent and high value you are, the more you will attract the types of relationships you want in your life.

    My sense is that you are feeling clingy because he is pushing you away, and he is taking advantage of your clinginess to behave in whatever way he wants no matter how you feel about it.

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  6. #5
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    Learn a lesson to take with you for life... Im 51 and just now learning it.. A relationship should make you feel secure, not uncertain and a healthy relationship will do that. This guy is pulling crap which makes you feel insecure - and rightly so, and then he is going to take you to task for insecurity that he himself created. You give him more benefit of the doubt than you give your own intuition. Think about that.. Has he earned that benefit? No! Not by a long shot, he has earned the doubt. You are way more invested in this relationship than he is. What you need to do if you don't just out and out dump him right now is get to work on yourself, join a gym, begin doing things without him - go hiking, take an art class, get some girls night out going... start flirting with every guy you meet as practice to build your self esteem. I have a feeling after a couple of weeks of you building yourself and your life up, he will be coming around and then you will probably care less!!!! Please do this and then come back and post all about how you left him in the dust or he is begging you to spend more time with him!!!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    So he cheats and you take the blame for it. Please don't stick around to be this guys rag doll, you are young and the longer you stay the harder it will be to unlearn.

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    I appreciate all your advice. It really hurts to hear that most of you are against him haha, but just meaning I know you're all right and it's hard to try to accept he might not really be as amazing of a guy as I think he is.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by juliarmumford
    I appreciate all your advice. It really hurts to hear that most of you are against him haha, but just meaning I know you're all right and it's hard to try to accept he might not really be as amazing of a guy as I think he is.
    ""However, I then found out that before we broke up the first time he was talking to someone else while we were dating, and though he readily denies it, I know he broke up with me for her. ""

    ^^ No, he's not amazing. You just keep telling yourself that despite the obvious.
    Stop lying to yourself.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 03-28-2018 at 03:10 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He's playing you. No guy that (at the very least) respected you would keep in contact with the girl he broke up with you to go to bed with. If he valued you, he'd have blocked and deleted her the minute you agreed to get back with him.

    Break up with him, work on your confidence and boundaries so you're more confident and your tendency to be clingy ends. Make friends, get interests and hobbies, make goals for yourself that you'll meet. All of those things will make you less worried when in a relationship because you'll know how wonderful you are and you'll dump any guy that isn't showing you that you're the prize.

  11. #10
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    I am rereading these replies to the threads I made about my One Horrible Awful Relationship (a past one, fortunately) and feeling both nostalgic and grateful. This relationship, which I pursued over a year after this thread was made, ended up knocking my whole life off track. I let it continue long past when it should have. I let my ex have an unhealthy, abusive power over me. I had such an low opinion of myself because of this mess that it was not even the first time he was physically abusive to me that I left.

    Reading all this advice again brought some tears to my eyes. I wish I had truly listened. I am in a wonderful place now, but how you all described how I was is strikingly accurate. Knowing there was someone who could've furthered my confidence to leave (because a big issue in that relationship was shame I felt about myself; I spoke with no one about it because I was so disgusted with myself) makes me wish I'd utilized this website more.

    I didn't say this back then, but thank you all

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