Dumped A Sweet Girl Because of Her Bipolar Past - Now I Feel Horrible

Hello - Just dumped a girl because of her bipolar disorder. Please read.

About me - 30, great career, own house, financially stable, and... I have herpes. I'm very responsible about it, always disclosing, and I take medication and wear protection, eat healthy, never had an outbreak, never given it to anyone. Previously, about 4 months ago, I left an emotionally abusive ex that suffered from depression, I tried to make it work but it was just so intense.

About her - 32, own apartment, decent job, history of not having a stable career, bipolar, suicidal past, emotionally distant mother, history of abusive relationships, never had a romantic relationship.

Here is the story. Met this girl online, very sweet and caring. On our first date we talked how we were both looking for a relationship. We went about 9 dates in 7 weeks. At date 5 we had a hot an heavy make out session, I disclose that I had herpes and gave her information on risk factors and other materials. We didn't have sex that night and decided to wait. That night she told me that she has bipolar disorder and is currently taking medication, but is thinking about going off the medication. At first, I didn't know too much about it, so I did some research and asked some friends about the disorder. All of which sounded pretty scary. I googled her name and saw a mug shot of her being arrested for DWI under controlled substances last year. One of my friends I consulted, used to work at a sober house, and informed me that people with bipolar are stable when on medication, but they always try to go off their meds and then it turns into crazy town. My sister's husband has depression and she said that bipolar is like a 10 on the scale, and depression is like a 3, it's hard to make a marraige work with mental illness sometimes.

I decided I should ask her directly. The next date, we were getting hot and heavy and we had sex, I was protected, taking my antivirals, no outbreaks, told her again the risk factors, and she seemed fine with it. At first, given that I was no a little off-put by her bipolar, I was hesitant to have sex, but it was a heat of the moment thing and we did. We had a good time hanging out in the morning, and we kissed each other good bye and that was the end of that date.

Later that week, she was curious on to what we were, I was like "Let's talk when you are here, you know that I'm looking for a long-term romantic relationship" she said "Okay, let's chat, I'm just confused emotionally, not looking for a fling, but unsure of my emotions and not comfortable yet with you". She comes over later that week, we have fun, I made sure no sex until we talk. That date became a little odd. She was very annxious and mentally off. She kept talking about how she is starting a keto diet so she can phase out her pills. At night, she was complaining about her brain feeling weird. I was a little scared about that. That morning we tried to talk about where things were going, she could hardly articulate anything, I told her we can table the discussion another day if she isn't comfortable talking. After that, I ask her to explain her maniac episodes she told me that she had been to a psych ward for a month, and has done through suicidal phases, and lost a good friend when she went maniac and broke dishes drunk at a friends house. She also told me that she had trouble holding a job, but was glad to finally be working at a place she likes. This all became a huge red flag to me. I got scared with the psych ward talk.

Fast forward to this week. She text me saying "I'm still so confused emotionally, can we talk soonish about our emotions and needs, I still don't know mine, it's all just new and confusing to me". So I agree to meet up with her, and I needed to end it. I came over to her place and broke up with her saying "You are a great girl, sweet, a beautiful. I know we wanted to talk about our needs and relationship status, but after doing some soul searching, I realize that I'm not emotionally ready for a romantic relationship. I thought I was, but It is clear that I need to focus on the relationship with myself. As I mentioned, I had a past emotionally abusive relationship that I'm not quite over. This is not a reflection of you, you did everything right. I care about you. And I hope we can be cordial and potentially be friends, which I know can be hard. In regards to the STI, You shouldn't worry about that, the risk was near zero since I was taking all the proper preacautions" She was speachless and started to cry, I went into hug her and she pushed me away, I told her to take care, and I left.

Now, I feel horrible, and she keeps sending me angry texts. "Why did you lie to me" "Was the sex that bad that you left right away" (This is the worst, I didn't want it to come off as that but I made a mistake and slept with her) "I just don't understand, why are you ignoring me' "I don't like how you handled me" "I'm so upset, I thought we had something".

I feel horrible, I shouldn't of slept with her, this is my biggest regret, I didn't mean to stigmatize her, but she was showing red flags. Is there anything I can do or say to help her understand more? Should I respond? How should I respond? Am I terrible? If she was mentally well, it probably would have lasted a lot longer.

Apprecaite your thoughts

From what you have said I don't think you did anything wrong. Dating is a discovery phase and we often find things along the way that are deal breakers.

What stood out to me was that she (or you) may have felt you were making a deal/or compromising. As if she'll agree over look your personal challenge (STD) in exchange that you overlook hers. I can see how that can happen, but you end up compromising yourself and settling for something you might not otherwise.

Just curious, if you didn't have an STD would you have considered dating someone BP to begin with? (or vice versa)

You don't have answer that, but it is something to think about.

I get she's hurt and disappointed but this is just one of the those times you can't help her.

She apparently has some emotional challenges and her ability to handle dating and disappointment is clearly one of them.

You handled this the best way possible. I wouldn't reach out to her or respond.

You won't be able to reason with her because she's in an angry state and bipolar.

Best to leave this alone and not say anything. It seems cold but she will keep going off on you.

You told her how you feel, there's nothing more to say.

Whether you had sex or not wouldn't change anything. You didn't force it upon her. She made the choice to engage with you. And you were honest.

Edit to add that you might have seen the sweet and you feel bad but unless you've actually experienced a bipolar episode, you have no idea how they can turn on you. It's not their fault being born with mental illness, but it's a struggle and they really require a great deal of patience to be with and need ongoing support.

Unfortunately you need to block her. You tried to end it tactfully with the "it's me not you" reason. This alone would have been enough to end it.:

I googled her name and saw a mug shot of her being arrested for DWI under controlled substances last year.

You did the right thing. People with mental illness are responsible to maintain it. If she making everyone's life miserable because she isn't doing that, then it's no fault of your own when you walk away. Trust me you are better off.

You did the right thing. Go read the thread I posted today about my two year relationship trying to make it work with a woman who warned me she was bipolar. That could have been your future.

I have schizoid affective which apparently is easier to treat then bipolar. I however stay on medication and have never come off. So a red flag to me, is her coming off her medication!

Also the mugshot would scare me as well.

Don't let psych wards scare you or the fact she was in one be bad. It's nothing like how the movies depict it to be.

As for bipolar I don't think it was the illness alone that bothered you. Just her past and not being stable.

Don't feel bad.

Lisa

You absolutely made the right choice, for your own well-being, to end this relationship. My family is full of mentally ill people who try to avoid treatment, and to be blunt, it is not worth it at all. Even if you otherwise liked her, it's better to "mourn" what was nice or what perhaps could have been nice in a different universe than to subject yourself to an unhealthy environment.

The breakup might catalyze some instability from her, which is quite sad, but that's a consequence of the illness and (perhaps not yet, but probably soon) her decision to try to maintain it without medication.

The psych ward is not scary -- the arrest and desire to be off-medication is. You should not be afraid of a person you're with occasionally needing to be hospitalized. You should be afraid of what daily life could be like with a person who doesn't want to accept daily/constant treatment. Her wanting to get off her pills, and thinking some bizarre diet could help her with that, is probably the biggest red flag of all. She needs to seriously stabilize herself, and that will mostly involve her coming to terms with and ensuring a habit of what will probably be a lifelong need for daily medication, before having a relationship.

She went off her meds and started to spiral downward without them. You made the right call.

You did the right thing, OP.

She is taking a huge risk coming off her medication. Without it, it appears she is very unstable. This wasn't going to go in a good direction and you nearly certainly would have had a front-row seat to the chaos that erupts when she is not under the care of a good doctor.

Everyone. I can't thank you enough for your input. Your insights have been incredibly helpful. It has made me feel more confident in myself both in my conduct and character. I have learned a lot from this short relationship, and I believe it will help me make more informed choices in the future, and keep me focused on what I truley want out of a partner.

Take care!