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Thread: What in the world could be going on!?

  1. #1
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    What in the world could be going on!?

    I need someone to help me make sense of this situation... I'm so confused. Female/Female situation. She has a fiance, and I live with my boyfriend. Don't read if you don't understand or respect poly relationships...

    So I was talking to this girl from a dating app, added each other to Instagram, kept talking for a bit, and the conversation sort of fell off from her side. I left it alone, because I know how flakey people can be from dating apps. Oh well... next lol.

    Anyways, MONTHS later this past November... she messages me on Instagram for a hook up. I was bored and alone on a Saturday night, and my boyfriend was working a night shift. I've never done something like this... I invited her to my place, we added in the "no pressure" conversation, I bought a bottle of wine, and we decided to wear big sweaters because it was freezing that day. She came over, and the conversation was very natural, it ended up being really cute and hilarious with the giant ugly sweaters, and we discovered we had a ton in common. Chemistry was there and we hooked up. I was insanely into it, and I was confident that she was as well. She took off because she said her Fiance will be wondering why she's coming home so late. She messaged me in the cab saying she had a good time and she wants to do all the things we talked about doing.

    Time goes by, and we tried to make plans, but they would fall through on her end because she was fighting with her fiance. In January she invited me out to a club with her fiance (who is well known in the nightlife scene and he owns major festivals in other countries), and friends (who came to visit her from the country that she is from). I thought it was a little bit odd that I would be meeting her fiance and visiting friends, after one hook up, but I really wanted to get to know her, so I decided to go. I enjoyed meeting the fiance and friends at first... but I did notice that there was no flirting on her end. The night became very awkward. She was low key fighting with her fiance, and I was left on and off with her friends who barely spoke english. I started feeling like I was the problem, so we went to the washroom together to talk. She said that the problem wasn't me, and that her fiance is just crazy. Her fiance was asking her questions about how she knew me and she was telling him all these bad lies that made no sense. So... our hook up was clearly a secret. Her friends left early, and they stopped fighting because it was only us three, and they invited me to an after hours club where my boyfriend happened to be, so I went. Her fiance and my boyfriend actually hit if off pretty well. But I told my boyfriend the weird situation, and that this girl was completely different the first time we met. We drove them home.. and that was that night.

    She messaged me the next day apologizing. I basically told her that I feel like I'm an issue in their relationship, and I don't want to interfere, and that they should sort out whatever is going on first. I said I really want to get to know her, because I felt like we hit it off well and we tons in common, and to contact me in the future if she wants. She thanked me and we stopped talking for some time.

    Now it's March, and she asked me twice to do two different things, and both times I was busy working. When I had a free day, I asked if she wanted to do dinner. She came out, and I was eager for her to tell me what was going on. She told me everything over dinner. Some really bad situation that her fiance went through in the country she is from, related to losing a ton of money from one of his huge festivals. I will not speak of specifics on here. And they moved here to my country (and her fiance's home country) to get away. Apparently her fiance became super depressed, and he became super controlling with her. She has no friends here, and her fiance knows everyone and has a huge social status to live up to. She told me that he is paranoid to let her do what she wants in case she runs into someone he knows. I have an interesting life, but financially I live basic... so I couldn't help but be intrigued with this rich life drama. And I still felt super into her. We enjoyed the rest of the night, and things felt like the first time we met. We made plans to do things together. She was gonna take me back to her country for a vacation. We were talking about traveling to all these other countries. Psychologically I felt really high and excited. I can't afford to do anything... and she wants to take me to do all these things, and she is so gorgeous and interesting. My boyfriend doesn't mind... this could be great! Then her fiance is telling her to come home... and she tells me she has to leave because he is crazy. We kissed and she gave me money to take a cab home. She told me she would tell me how everything is the next day. I texted her the next day saying I had a great time, and to see if she was okay and no response...

    A week goes by and we had plans to hang out today, I text her... no reply.

    From my point of view, I don't want to be selfish... but I feel really annoyed that she never had the courtesy to respond... to at least tell me she can't hang out. There's also a huge part of me that has been wanting a relationship like this for a really long time, and it's rare to find... and it feels like a big giant tease.

    The other part of me is wondering if I should be worried... or if her fiance told her not to see me again...

    And the third part of me is just like... I barely know this girl... we've had three meetings.

    I don't know what advice I'm seeking for... but I just feel really bummed out.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Moon13
    Don't read if you don't understand or respect poly relationships...
    "Polyamory is the practice of, or the desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners"

    That being said, that's not what's going on here is it?
    One of you is cheating.

    So, the deal is off the table.
    Not much to figure out here.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member JaggerJim's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    "Polyamory is the practice of, or the desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners"

    That being said, that's not what's going on here is it?
    Her fiancÚ clearly is not on board.
    Does your boyfriend know?
    Agreed. You should probably make sure all partners of future hook-ups know what's going on before you fall for them.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Her fiance may consider this cheating.
    Originally Posted by Moon13
    Her fiance was asking her questions about how she knew me and she was telling him all these bad lies that made no sense. So... our hook up was clearly a secret.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Yeah, sorry but I agree with above poster. Sounds like there is no consent between her and her fiance for her to be off with others. Their relationship is not open and she is in fact cheating, lying and hiding. Needless to say that will cause problems in any relationship. She is even giving you the classic lines of gosh my SO is just so crazy, controlling, poor little me, feel sorry for me. Yuck. There is nothing to figure out here. You are above board, she isn't.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    There's also a huge part of me that has been wanting a relationship like this for a really long time,
    What with a cheating, supposedly monogamous woman who wants to take you away to her country while she deceives a "crazy" fiancÚ? Surely you jest.

    Block and delete her from being able to contact you again and when you're looking for an addition to your primary relationship, first make sure that any partner they may have is also poly.

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    I felt like I had a few comments to reply with, but everyone here has already said it. Go back and read them a second time for emphasis. It sounds pretty clear what's going on here.

  9. #8
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    I think she is full of malarkey, OP.

    She seems to fancy herself a rich temptress who will whisk you off to these foreign lands - yet you really hardly know her and she is obviously lying to her finace about how she knows you. I would strongly advise you to take a lot of what she says with a giant boulder of salt. Her relationship isn't polyamorous or open, clearly. And if he is as controlling as she says, he is most definitely not going to grant her free access to his finances so she can take another woman on holidays.

    Don't get caught up in her drama and whatever fantasy life she's created in her head. She is playing both you and him, in my opinion.

  10. #9
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    You guys are probably mostly right.. I left some details out because it's too much to type. I don't think they are poly.. but she said that she had a gf back at home and that he was okay with it, but when they moved to his country, everything changed because he is paranoid about social status. She wants to stay in the country but she would either have to marry him, or go back home and get her job to transport her which may or may not work. It seems like she doesn't want to marry him because of his change. So I don't want to be judgemental and call her a cheater right away. Regardless.. you guys are right in the sense that this just sounds like messy drama I shouldn't involve myself with.

  11. #10
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    Tons of people jump immediately on the omg you are cheating. God. Leave her alone.

    Listen, most guys do not mind dating a bi girl as long as you involve them. Dating a bi girl is wonderful, if you talk to him about it and you are not jealous, I am sure he will be ok. There is nothing more fun than picking a girl together as a couple.

    Having said this, I believe this other girl is either not interested, or she is having remorse. I have been involved with girls that have bf or husband and they can have endless cycles of this is wrong i block you and then omg i want you so bad. Good luck.


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