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Feeling used by partner


GKB

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So I’ve been with my partner for two years, we were friends long before then. He has two beautiful kids by his ex. It’s been a rocky road due trying to get adjusted to being in a relationship with a guy with kids (both are toddlers), and accepting his close bond with his ex, but I’ve tried my best to be as mature about it and help him if I can. However of late, I feel like I’m being taken for granted and it’s really starting to get me down. Our routine consists of looking after the kids, and once they’re in bed, he just goes on his computer until he’s ready for bed. On a bad day, If he wants sex, his way of initiating it is simply taking his clothes off and throwing a bottle of lube at me. There are also many days where he’ll say that he wants us to spend time together, only for me to discover he’s got the kids and just wants me to help look after them.

 

If we’re out shopping, He’ll just walk off and leave me with the kids, or when he invites me up his he’ll simply say “You’re turn” and leave me to keep an eye on them whilst he does other things. He also has me paying for days out, and food for the kids. If they ask for money for ice cream, toys, etc. He’ll just point to me and say “she’s got the money.” I know he’s a Father and that his kids should come first, but am I wrong to feel like I maybe deserve to be treated as a girlfriend instead of a nanny? What makes it worse is that the Mother of his kids barely has them, the reason for this is because she has a boyfriend and she often request that they need time together as a couple. She’s booked numerous romantic holidays this year, meanwhile the only holidays that he’s willing to go for are theme parks for the kids, or weekends away to visit his friends. When I protested that I wanted a short holiday for just the two of us, he accused me of being ungrateful (something he does regularly). What hurts the most is that when I question about his ex and her boyfriend, he immediately jumps in saying how she deserves a break, that they deserve time together as a couple. He’s even cancelled our date nights so she can go out on the town, at one point she left him with the kids for two weeks straight, I helped look after them but after a few days I told him I needed a break for a night and was going to go back to mine.

 

He kicked off saying I shouldn’t leave because I had “responsibilities” with him. Aka, helping him with the kids. However not once did he contact her (she literally disappeared on a partying binge with no word and refused to tell him when she’d be back), and yell at her for shirking her responsibilities as a Mother. Meanwhile if I can’t help him with the kids, I get the silent treatment while his ex gets sympathy. I dread anytime I’m ill, recently I had a horrendous tooth abscess that lasted a week. He was supportive, but I stayed at home until it eased up. When it cleared up and I came to see him, he barely acknowledged me like he was angry with me and told me I’d be spending the weekend helping him with the kids. He was snappy and agitated the whole time, yet when his ex calls, he can muster up the ability to be decent to her, yet not to me. If I say the I need a break from the kids and want us to have a night together, he says “Yeah well, kids are a part of life.” Meanwhile when his ex says the same thing, he has literally driven her to parties, and even given her money towards taking herself on romantic getaways with her boyfriend! Then he complains that I’m not emotional enough, or that I don’t put enough effort into the relationship, or I don’t make him feel wanted. I dont have a problem with his kids, and I’m happy to help, but I feel like I’m more of a convenience than a partner. Am I out of line and having unrealistic expectations of a dutiful Dad, or am I being made a fool of??

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What's the financial situation between the two of you? Yes, it definitely sounds like he's taking you for granted, but that, in his mind at least, the situation affords him that entitlement. And for the life of me I couldn't understand why you'd stay if not for there being an element of convenience for you.

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Meanwhile when his ex says the same thing, he has literally driven her to parties, and even given her money towards taking herself on romantic getaways with her boyfriend! Then he complains that I’m not emotional enough, or that I don’t put enough effort into the relationship, or I don’t make him feel wanted. I dont have a problem with his kids, and I’m happy to help, but I feel like I’m more of a convenience than a partner. Am I out of line and having unrealistic expectations of a dutiful Dad, or am I being made a fool of??

 

Did he go right from the ex to you? I ask because if these are toddlers, did she give birth to one while he was with you already? Unless you have a different idea of what toddler age is? To me a toddler is 14 months old to 2. Maybe 3 if you really push it and the kid is a little later with their walking and basic stuff.

 

It seems like you are the childrens' nanny - except he has sex with you, also. I would not be putting up with any of this. You should be dating at 2 years in, not being the babysitter. Its one thing for him to pay the ex's ticket so she can take the kids to a specialist appointment in another town, but not to have a romantic getaway.

 

I would leave. The way he talks about "your responsibilities?" he doesn't sound like a reasonable guy and are probably really confused since you have been introduced at such an early age. Honestly, you should be someone at this point that the kids don't see all the time because you are the girlfriend.

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So you've already talked to him about leaving. Good! You don't need him to agree to break up with him. He is using you. He is taking you for granted. And he doesn't seem to care when you point that out to him. You could have a partner who doesn't do those things. You life would be easier without him.

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Wouldn’t say there is a financial situation, whilst I stay with him, I live with my mother. He works, im a part time carer. I’ve been putting off moving in with him because all he really talks about is the financial aspect and how he’ll need my help to pay for a mortgage which kind of sucks because typically you’d expect your boyfriend to live with you because he wants s to, not because of finances.

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In his defence he’s not always so bad. There are days of genuine affection, and when I discuss it with him he does make an effort for a while, until it falls back into the usual routine.

From what I’ve gathered he claims his affection and loyalty to his ex is because he feels guilty for breaking up with her when she was pregnant. When she fell pregnant the first time, she admitted she did it on purpose in the hopes he’d marry her. Naturally he was not impressed, so he broke up with her, but decided to be a part of his child’s life. Then 18 months later, they had a one night stand which resulted in her second child. She was hoping they’d get back together, he didn’t want to. That’s why he says he feels guilty and therefore tries to keep her as happy as possible.

He and I got involved when his youngest was approx. 6 months. It wasn’t exactly a planned relationship, and I often feel ashamed that I got involved with him so soon after him having a new child, I suppose I should feel ashamed. As for why I’ve stayed with him, it’s simply because I love him. I know, I sound like a lovesick idiot!

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Sorry to hear this. Stay with your folks and don't consider this. He's not a good person, bf or father. Run. He wants a free nanny, housekeeper and whipping post while he continues a relationship with his gf/mother of the kids..they are not done sleeping with each other, as you know. Certainly you can find a better guy without all this guy's laziness, attitude, problems, etc. Talk to your folks about this insanity.

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If he wants sex, his way of initiating it is simply taking his clothes off and throwing a bottle of lube at me.
When he does that, what do you do?

 

If we’re out shopping, He’ll just walk off and leave me with the kids, or when he invites me up his he’ll simply say “You’re turn” and leave me to keep an eye on them whilst he does other things.
When he does that, what do you do?

 

He also has me paying for days out, and food for the kids. If they ask for money for ice cream, toys, etc. He’ll just point to me and say “she’s got the money.”
And what do you do when he does that?
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This man has learned he can use you. If you want a man you have to expect a man. Your kind heart and lovely personality has definitely been taken advantage of. It sounds like he may have not gotten over his ex and therefore, isn't seeing your value and worth. Please realize you are worth so much more! It's not your responsibility to do anything for this man and his children. He hasn't put a ring on your finger and married you. He hasn't committed to living a lifetime learning to love you with all he has. Instead, he has continued to honor his ex unity. It's sad his kids are involved. They will miss having such a loving wonderful influence, should you walk away. Perhaps he will wake up if you take an absence. I found setting boundaries for what I was and wasn't going to put up with anymore helped me to stay focused on what a relationship should look like. I would say things like: " if you talk to me that way again I'm leaving. If you don't put as much effort in this relationship I'm done putting effort into it, as well. I am not your nanny. I am happy to help from time to time but I am not your slave. I am interested in a relationship with mutual respect, if you want to work on that and see where this goes, great!"

 

People will only value you to the point you value yourself. You are your greatest ally or enemy. You have probably been through enough in this life than to need another enemy? You deserve life abundant, cherished, and help not a hinderance. Sometimes walking away means a time to think and a restart. Sometimes, it means that person was never meant for you and so much better is waiting to cherish you! Big hugs!

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In his defence he’s not always so bad. There are days of genuine affection, and when I discuss it with him he does make an effort for a while, until it falls back into the usual routine.

From what I’ve gathered he claims his affection and loyalty to his ex is because he feels guilty for breaking up with her when she was pregnant. When she fell pregnant the first time, she admitted she did it on purpose in the hopes he’d marry her. Naturally he was not impressed, so he broke up with her, but decided to be a part of his child’s life. Then 18 months later, they had a one night stand which resulted in her second child. She was hoping they’d get back together, he didn’t want to. That’s why he says he feels guilty and therefore tries to keep her as happy as possible.

He and I got involved when his youngest was approx. 6 months. It wasn’t exactly a planned relationship, and I often feel ashamed that I got involved with him so soon after him having a new child, I suppose I should feel ashamed. As for why I’ve stayed with him, it’s simply because I love him. I know, I sound like a lovesick idiot!

 

Sorry, any man who breaks up with a pregnant woman is a tool. I think its all BS - to say that he wasn't in a relationship with her, basically, each time. Also, by dating someone with an infant, you interfered with him getting back together with her. He probably treats her the way he does because he tells her you are just a placeholder. LOVE is not enough (and it is definitely not self love for yourself). He doesn't respect you! And what's to love about a man who pawns his kids off on a girlfriend and doesn't at least *try* with a woman who had his babies.

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