Says he loves me (after less than a month) but I don't love him back :/ How to get out?

Okay, so I've known this guy for almost two years but have only really gotten close to him during the past two months. At first, it seemed like things were going really well. I loved talking to him, I wanted his attention, and I really cared about him as an individual. The problem is, though, he told me he loved me only a few weeks in, to which I replied with that I didn't really think what he's experiencing is love. We're both eighteen, and I've had a really disastrous experience before with someone who got too attached too quickly and that's made me even more wary. Recently, he's been showing me a lot of affection (says I love you and compliments me a lot, and tries to hold hands at moments where I don't want to) and it's actually made me really uncomfortable/put off. I feel like if things continue this way, I won't think that the positives outweigh the negatives any longer and will just feel suffocated. I know that this attachment partially comes from the fact that he has an unstable family life and has never really had a romantic experience before - so he's most likely clinging on to whatever he's got. This makes it difficult for me to sort of step away, because I really don't want to hurt him. I'm completely lost and disillusioned. Any advice?

You are probably correct. He's way too clingy Too much too fast.

Best to just start to distance.. so he gets the vibe you are really not interested.

Or explain simply... it's not going to work.. and you want your space.

You are probably correct. He's way too clingy Too much too fast.

 

Best to just start to distance.. so he gets the vibe you are really not interested.

Or explain simply... it's not going to work.. and you want your space.

Him and I are both graduating in a few months, however. And I've been helping him recently in terms of getting his grades up and making sure he pays attention to his work. I'm scared that distancing myself is going to upset him so much that he's going to neglect his studies and hinder his future :/

A lot of red flags.

Step away.

You are not responsible for his grades. he is.

A lot of red flags.

 

Step away.

 

You are not responsible for his grades. he is.

I still somewhat feel that I should accommodate his familial situation and be empathetic, but I don't know. How do I step away without completely hurting his feelings?

bump......

Sweetie I know you don't want to hurt him, but sometimes it just can't be avoided.

Sometimes we get hurt, sometimes we hurt others, that's the nature of the beast (dating).

He will be better off in the long run; by staying you are misleading him and that will ultimately be more hurtful.

I still somewhat feel that I should accommodate his familial situation and be empathetic, but I don't know. How do I step away without completely hurting his feelings?

You can't. The kindest thing you can do is break up with him.

If you get the vibe that he is too clingy, end it. I lost contact w/my friend due to a controlling partner. She complained about him in the beginning all the time and I told her to leave. Months later she stopped seeing me and cut off contact. Leave before you get in too deep, you don't owe him anything.

If you get the vibe that he is too clingy, end it. I lost contact w/my friend due to a controlling partner. She complained about him in the beginning all the time and I told her to leave. Months later she stopped seeing me and cut off contact. Leave before you get in too deep, you don't owe him anything.

I think that you, and the rest of the people on this thread, are right. I just think that I've really made a mistake - I shouldn't have shown that I was into him when I had an inkling that things could go wrong/might not work out. And because of his insecurities, he made me promise that I wouldn't leave him until the end of the school year. And everything is just so messy and difficult to think of. I kind of feel like I don't have the right to pull away at this stage.

I think that you, and the rest of the people on this thread, are right. I just think that I've really made a mistake - I shouldn't have shown that I was into him when I had an inkling that things could go wrong/might not work out. And because of his insecurities, he made me promise that I wouldn't leave him until the end of the school year. And everything is just so messy and difficult to think of. I kind of feel like I don't have the right to pull away at this stage.

You are a free individual, with the right to leave when you want. You don't need to pull away and fade out - be direct (but kind) and tell him this isn't working and it's time to break up.

The promise to stay with him at least until the end of the school year was unwise, yes, but it speaks volumes about the unhealthy dynamic of this relationship. Nobody should stay only because they promised to be there, but rather because they want to be there.

You won't do any favours to him or yourself by staying for all the wrong reasons.

I mean....you could just be honest and tell him that his behavior is over the top and suffocating to you and that if he doesn't back off, you'll walk. It might help.

Ultimately, it's important that you understand that you are NOT responsible for what other people do or don't do with their life and that they are responsible for learning how to deal with and control their own emotions. You are not this guy's mom and you are not his keeper. He needs to study or fail on his own. He needs to learn how to express himself in a healthy way and how to control over the top emotions. If you put up with what you don't like, you become an enabler of bad behavior. When you are not happy and you've communicated that and things aren't better, the kindest and greatest favor that you can do to that person is walk away and not look back. It may not seem like kindness immediately, but looking back they'll thank you for it.

Remember this - we learn when we fail. When you are young and learning how to talk, you fall down many times. If your parents were stopping you from falling down and learning, you'd still be crawling around not able to walk. So, stop doing his work for him. He needs to study on his own. He needs to keep up himself. He needs to learn that being clingy and manipulative results in getting dumped, etc.

You are a free individual, with the right to leave when you want. You don't need to pull away and fade out - be direct (but kind) and tell him this isn't working and it's time to break up.

 

The promise to stay with him at least until the end of the school year was unwise, yes, but it speaks volumes about the unhealthy dynamic of this relationship. Nobody should stay only because they promised to be there, but rather because they want to be there.

 

You won't do any favours to him or yourself by staying for all the wrong reasons.

Thank you. I really needed to hear this.

I mean....you could just be honest and tell him that his behavior is over the top and suffocating to you and that if he doesn't back off, you'll walk. It might help.

 

Ultimately, it's important that you understand that you are NOT responsible for what other people do or don't do with their life and that they are responsible for learning how to deal with and control their own emotions. You are not this guy's mom and you are not his keeper. He needs to study or fail on his own. He needs to learn how to express himself in a healthy way and how to control over the top emotions. If you put up with what you don't like, you become an enabler of bad behavior. When you are not happy and you've communicated that and things aren't better, the kindest and greatest favor that you can do to that person is walk away and not look back. It may not seem like kindness immediately, but looking back they'll thank you for it.

 

Remember this - we learn when we fail. When you are young and learning how to talk, you fall down many times. If your parents were stopping you from falling down and learning, you'd still be crawling around not able to walk. So, stop doing his work for him. He needs to study on his own. He needs to keep up himself. He needs to learn that being clingy and manipulative results in getting dumped, etc.

I've told him before that I'm uncomfortable when things happen too quickly. He started asking me if I found long distance feasible, and if I thought I would still have feelings for him after a year of long distance. This all happened after less than a month. I told him that none of these things were on my mind, and that they shouldn't be on his. His well-being and his future in further education should be his top priority right now. I'm not sure if the message fully translated, however. He did apologize later on and said that he didn't want to upset me or stress me out. I don't think he's a bad person at all. But I also don't think this dynamic we have right now is sustainable in the slightest - I can't find it in myself to reciprocate such attention/affection.

I appreciate your reply!! Thank you.

Unfortunately you are encouraging his dependence on you. Have you examined that? It would be better for both of you if you encouraged his independence, such as telling him he can do fine with grades, etc. Also you need to stay and get more involved in your own life and be busy with your own friends, family, interests pursuits, etc. Stop making him the center of your life.

I still somewhat feel that I should accommodate his familial situation and be empathetic, but I don't know. How do I step away without completely hurting his feelings?