Do I do what is best for my wife?

Hi all,

I don't know where else to turn and I appreciate I may come across like the bad guy but I don't know what else to do.

My wife and I have been married for 18 months but in a relationship for 9 years. To say it hasn't been easy is a huge understatement but I thought we'd been through all the difficult times until this week.

The relationship started well, or so I thought, until I found out she had been lying to me about huge issues. It took many years but I managed to forgive, forget and move on so why am I mentioning it now? I feel I will be judged but just want to make it clear, I am not flipping out with the first big issue we've come to as it is not the first.

My wife was told 16 years ago that she couldn't have kids and tried in a previous marriage with assistance but still no luck. I don't want kids and never have so I made this clear from day one. My wife has mentioned she had considered adopting in the past and I said that's not something I wanted and if she was serious about it to let me know.

I've just made some huge decisions in regards to my career and our future assuming it would just be the two of us so it was a huge shock to find out she was pregnant this week and to be honest it's not what I want.

I can't ask a woman who has been told she'll never have kids to give up this opportunity however it's not what I want so what do I do?

I'm scared that if I ignore my feelings I could end up resenting the kid and I know how that feels as I've been there. I don't want her to resent me if she decides not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

So far I've told her to make the decision as to what she wants to do but I know what she wants and her doubts are because of my feelings. I know there are so many people out there who would love to have a kid and are more deserving than me but I am trying to think about everyone.

Does anyone have any comments to make? If so it would be much appreciated

Can I ask if you were so adamant about not having children why you didn't get a vasectomy and put an end to the chance of one happening?

Water under the bridge now, I suppose so she has wanted children from the beginning of her relationship so I suggest you be supportive in the pregnancy and during child birth and you be honest with her that you may not be able to adjust to the new normal.

I suggest you either get a vasectomy or always use rubbers if you don't want anymore children or put another woman through what you're putting your wife through now.

We always used protection anyway as I was so adamant which again is why I feel so bad and confused. Part of me thinks how the hell did it happen with protection when previously without she'd had no luck

If you both used protection and it happened anyway ..... she went by your wishes.

I would NEVER NEVER recommend a person who wants kids and a person who never wants kids get together and get married. That is begging for resentment. Nothing you can do now there is a little person on the way. Either you can live with it or you can’t .

I would suggest a vasectomy.

Why didn't you get a vasectomy?

What were the big issues she lied about previously? Are you having doubts now as to her truthfulness about this situation? Was she in charge of bc ?

We always used protection anyway as I was so adamant which again is why I feel so bad and confused. Part of me thinks how the hell did it happen with protection when previously without she'd had no luck

Are you sure she is actually pregnant? Are you sure she wasn't sleeping with someone else? Are you sure she wasn't lying to you about not being able to get pregnant?

What was the issue she was lying about that you had to get over?

Personally? I so strongly don't want children that if I was in your shoes I would explain that I was on the hook for child support but I wouldn't stay in the house or the relationship if she chooses to have the child. As hard is that is to say, think or feel. But you were very clear about what you were up for when it came to children. And personally I think it's worse to share a home and a parent role if you resent your kid then to bow out.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Are you sure she is actually pregnant? Are you sure she wasn't sleeping with someone else? Are you sure she wasn't lying to you about not being able to get pregnant?

 

What was the issue she was lying about that you had to get over?

 

Personally? I so strongly don't want children that if I was in your shoes I would explain that I was on the hook for child support but I wouldn't stay in the house or the relationship if she chooses to have the child. As hard is that is to say, think or feel. But you were very clear about what you were up for when it came to children. And personally I think it's worse to share a home and a parent role if you resent your kid then to bow out.

 

I'm so sorry you are in this position. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Thanks for your understanding, I really didn't expect that.

Yes I am sure she is pregnant and I am confident she hasn't slept with someone else but I suppose I can't be 100%. I don't think she lied about not being able to get pregnant as this has been discussed in front of her family but who knows.

She lied at the beginning of our relationship by telling me she was single when she was actually married, when they split up she told me she lived with her parents but she still lived with her ex and it got worse. I know I should never have put up with that and believe it or not we moved passed that. I'm not going to say it was easy as it took a lot of hard work but I finally thought we were on the right path now until this.

Op: Why don't you get a vasectomy? *asked for the third time*

It's unfortunate that you think you married a liar.

If you don't want to be a parent, then don't be a parent. Divorce your wife and move elsewhere. However, you will probably still be on the hook for child support.

And yeah, you really should have gotten a vasectomy.

But how could you be on the right path if your life goals are diametrically opposed ? That makes no sense .

Did you guys get married thinking that the other would change ?

When we got together I told her I didn't want kids and she said she couldn't have them so we got married with the same views. She had in her head she couldn't have kids and therefore she had not planned them in our future so we still used protection as a backup as neither wanted kids.

Yes I should have done more about it but we've been intimate for years and were still using protection so didn't see the need.

I feel we were on the same path but obviously this news has stirred up feelings she had deep down

So she had a medical diagnosis of infertility? Difficulty conceiving / carrying to term and infertility are two completely different things. If she was diagnosed infertile, combined with you using protection anyhow... sorry to say but my spidey sense is more than just tingling. You're talking pretty cosmic odds there. It's safe to say you two are going to have more than a few uncomfortable talks in the near future.

Being diagnosed infertile and not wanting kids is different. And acquiescing because you feel you can’t have kids is also something different . It is not the same as not wanting kids . Not wanting kids is a decision you make not being able to have kids is a decision made for you .

When we got together I told her I didn't want kids and she said she couldn't have them so we got married with the same views. She had in her head she couldn't have kids and therefore she had not planned them in our future so we still used protection as a backup as neither wanted kids.

 

Yes I should have done more about it but we've been intimate for years and were still using protection so didn't see the need.

 

I feel we were on the same path but obviously this news has stirred up feelings she had deep down

I'm wondering if she poked holes in your protection.

It seems to me she lied in the beginning of your relationship so it's possible that she lied about not being able to have kids. She became the person you wanted, because she wanted you.

I agree with Rosephase. Better to separate and pay child support. Your views might change, but you don't want to depend on that. Parenting can be difficult even when the parents were always willing to have kids, so I imagine it would be even more hard for people who initially didn't want them. You're right in that you don't want the child to pick up on that.

I'm sorry this has happened. I wish you the best.

Yeah, being told you would have difficulties conceiving is NOT the same as "I don't want kids".

I can conceive like a mofo but have an awful time carrying full-term. So, I didn't say I didn't want kids when I was single and dating, just that it would be difficult. I did end up conceiving while dating, and I knew the man involved was not interested in another child (he already had 4 and was adamant he wanted no more). I made the decision to have the child on my own and to set up a legal support agreement with the father. Sadly, I lost the child, but I was prepared and willing to raise the child alone.

Given that she has a very big history of lying, I am going to speculate she fudged with the condoms. Again, in hindsight I'm sure you know a vasectomy would have been the best course of action. I suggest getting one right away.

I'd separate and divorce, with the understanding you will contribute financially to the support of the child. And agree between the two of you whether or not you will be involved in the child's life.

Contraceptives are never 100% effective.

You might never have kids is not 100% either unless you have no uterus.

I'm thinking this: you put in tones of work to forgive a woman who lied to you about major things. So imagine if you put in the work to move beyond any misplaced feelings of resentment you may towards your child.

In the first scenario, you were choosing to stay engaged with an adult who knowing deceived you for her own interests.

In the second, it would be about putting the interests of an innocent child first.

Staying with your wife or not is a seperate issue from how you will choose to contribute as a father. You don't have to stay with your wife to be a dad. I know it doesn't seem fair, but at the end of the day, any time any of us have sex we do so understanding there is a chance pregnancy can occur. So we still are responsible. If you come to terms with that, it will be harder to hold resentment. And any resentment you do feel, well therapy could help sort out so it is not misplaced on your child, if you are willing.

It's not about what your wife wants or is good for her but what is good for a baby? Every child deserves to know, with actions, they are wanted. If you put yourself in those booties, things could look different as far as what you need to do.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice.

So after a long discussion, she was told it was highly unlikely that she'd have kids so when she tried with her ex husband in her early twenties and nothing happened she convinced herself it was never going to happen. As most of you have said, not being able to have kids and not wanting is different and I respect that.

Regardless of how it has happened it has and I'm now focused on that. She has told me she would terminate the pregnancy if its not what I want but I don't know if I could do that to her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want kids in the slightest but now the unexpected has happened can I really take this away from her? Regardless of what happens I'll man up, own my mistakes and stay by her side

You can look at how long of odds it is but my friend was a surprise and his dad had a vasectomy and his mom had tubal ligation and the claimed they even used protection.

Apparently organic tissues can actually heal in a way to allow limited flow. Both with tubes and vas deferens it is possible.

So everyone harping on him to get a vasectomy, it doesn't drastically help your chances if two forms of control are already in place.

Also, I am 30 with 2 children and I cannot for the life of me find an urologist who will give me a vasectomy because they claim I am too young and their libility insurance won't cover me

I have been to 4 and they all tell me to wait and get back to them when I am older. If you try to get one and don't have any children they will even more adamantly so no.

Sorry with my little rant but it apparently is very hard to get one done under many circumstances. They have no issues tying my wife's tubes but I can't get fixed for the life of me.

My husband was able to get a vasectomy at age 30. He explained to the doctor that his wife (me) would become life- threateningly ill if she became pregnant (which was true).

 

She has told me she would terminate the pregnancy if its not what I want but I don't know if I could do that to her. Don't get me wrong, I don't want kids in the slightest but now the unexpected has happened can I really take this away from her? Regardless of what happens I'll man up, own my mistakes and stay by her side

What disturbs me is she is saying "if that's what you want." Honestly, you say you didn't want to be a dad, but you do know about the birds and the bees, right? Unless you get a vasectomy (and there is a small chance that it doesn't take) or she gets her tubes tied or cannot have kids because she had a hysterectomy, etc, it is still a possibility. What are your real reasons for not wanting kids?

You never know - you could fall in love with the child that is placed in your arms. But really, now you do not have a choice - you are going to be a dad.

It is very selfish if you tell your wife you want her to get an abortion knowing that she *did* try with he first husband. Fertility treatments are very costly. She obviously very much wanted a child before. She may have decided when she met you that she had to give up on wanting a child in order to do so - but now that it happened, and sometimes it DOES happen despite birth control. The makers of it will tell you that its not 100% foolproof even with perfect use. Life sometimes happens unexpectedly.

You can look at how long of odds it is but my friend was a surprise and his dad had a vasectomy and his mom had tubal ligation and the claimed they even used protection.

 

Apparently organic tissues can actually heal in a way to allow limited flow. Both with tubes and vas deferens it is possible.

 

So everyone harping on him to get a vasectomy, it doesn't drastically help your chances if two forms of control are already in place.

 

Also, I am 30 with 2 children and I cannot for the life of me find an urologist who will give me a vasectomy because they claim I am too young and their libility insurance won't cover me

 

I have been to 4 and they all tell me to wait and get back to them when I am older. If you try to get one and don't have any children they will even more adamantly so no.

 

Sorry with my little rant but it apparently is very hard to get one done under many circumstances. They have no issues tying my wife's tubes but I can't get fixed for the life of me.

You can also have your wife get a fertility monitor - that way between birth control and that it will be a little bit better peace of mind