He has ghosted on me. What now?

Dear members,

 

I have been seeing a guy who I met through a mutual friend. I saw him just as a new friend and was not ready for a rs. We have been seeing each other

for about three months. We have been hanging out and he even took me to celebrate Christmas at his parents place. During the new year we have been hanging out some more regurarly and I started to have feelings for him. He would call me or I would call him and share things about family, friends and work for hours. He would talk and talk.

 

I started to feel more for him. We were getting closer and he would stay the night and sleep on the couch very often and stay until the next day and leave late as his shifts start later at the day. We never even kissed. He was always very respectful. So was I.

 

I started feeling an attraction for him, and two weeks ago I took the courage to tell him how I was feeling face-to-face. He told me that he was very surprised. Shocked. He said that he was happy that someone you meet would have such feelings for someone. But he did not say how he was feeling for me. Not directly such as: I feel for you too, or I don't feel for you. He kept on talking how nice it is hearing such a thing. And he told that he was glad that I took it off my chest. I told him that I felt akward about it as I am usually shy about such matters. We are near the same age. He is 42, and I am 38 years old. We both don't have kids. We share similar values, but not completly. He said that we could continue as we were, and continue doing things like we used to do: cooking together, making collages, etc. Which sounded hopeful, but he did not directly express whether he was having the same feelings. He left me in the dark in a way. Maybe he was being polite. The next day I called him again to ask him how was feeling. He said that usually when someone hears such a thing one would run or stay. He continued by saying: As you can see, I am still here?! I laughed and felt at ease at that moment. Maybe he was signaling that we should continue this way as a way in: let’s just keep doing fun stuff together?

 

He also asked when I started having feelings for him. I thought that was a strange question. He said he did not notice anything about me? How can he be so blind? OK I did not text him everyday nor send him hearts, I was casual. Just calling out how he was doing?

I felt very courageous for doing such a thing. But I have started to feel resentful in a way. He hasn't contacted me since two weeks... I feel very angry, and haven't slept all night.

 

He has left some huge bags at my place with some things we were supposed to keep doing together: making collages. He initiated that idea, and was really excited, but this was a month ago, and we never progressed finishing those.

Since he has not contacted me in the last two weeks I texted him last Friday in which I wrote to him: Hi X, I have a short question for you. Would you mind picking your bags please as they are standing in my way. Best Regards, Y.

 

I haven’t heard from him in more than 48 hours nearly. He usually responds promptly. I guess my message was kind of distant and cold? He did read it. But he has not responded yet.

I have cried to tears that I send him this message really… I feel at loss. How can someone once be so warm and turn so cold and distant? Was it all a play? I mean I never expected to having feelings for him but I did?

I do not know what he is thinking, but it does arouses lots of emotions. For this reason I want him to pick up his stuff as there are private letters in it as well, so I can let him go?

 

Why is love so hard?

Well, at 42, he is too gentlemanly. I wonder if he has autism or Asperger's, or is the proverbial 42-year-old virgin. That would explain why he couldn't read your emotions or made a move on you.

 

You know, every day people are writing into ENA about partners who are broken in one way or another. At 38 years old, you shouldn't have to settle for someone who can't show love. It will only cause problems later on. He may be hiding right now. If you have a storage cage or something, dump them down there and see if he surfaces.

It sounds like your confession genuinely took him by surprise. It might be that he needed some time to process what you said and consider how that changes the relationship between you. Unfortunately, your confession means one of two things: He must either reciprocate the feelings (or explore whether that's possible), or he will need to walk away. If he continues with the friendship, it would mean you continue developing feelings.

 

I'm not sure why he didn't contact you for two weeks, it could be any number of things that he is thinking about that may or may not be outright rejection. BUT the important thing is that he was not in a position to continue your friendship with the same momentum that it had been gathering. I am sure he has been thinking of you regardless, because even if his feelings are platonic, you have had some good experiences together.

 

Your message to him was very cold if it was worded exactly that way. It sounds like you are asking him to collect his things so that you can boot him out of your life permanently. And further to that, you've made up his mind for him because you are perceiving a rejection and end to the friendship, since he hasn't immediately reciprocated your feelings.

 

Personally I would not contact him further, or if you do, be extra careful that there is a neutral/friendly tone to your messages. Your confession put him in a position of having to "run or stay" and if you pressed him for mutual feelings that might have caused him to run. It would be unfair to now punish him for that by being resentful of his decision. Wouldn't you rather he go if he doesn't feel the same way?

 

Also, are the private letters things that you have written to him? If so, I would urge you to take those OUT. Putting any kind of pressure on someone will almost always have the opposite effect of what you desire

That's really hurtful but if he was truly your friend, he'd be honest with you and say something.

Even if you have feelings that he can't return, he could be man enough to say it. It's possible to be friends

as long as you know he doesn't feel the same. Then you know to not think of him in that way anymore and

find someone who feels the same as you. He's most likely trying to figure out what he feels or doesn't. If he

truly bailed out of the friendship because you confessed feelings, he was never a friend to begin with.

He left me in the dark in a way.

No, no he didn't. His no reciprocation was loud and clear and yes, I'm truly sorry to say that he has chosen to run, he is not "still there" if you haven't heard from him in two weeks which followed directly after your confession of feelings.

 

I don't think it's ever a good idea to confess feelings to someone who you have not shown romantic bonding rituals to and they have never shown them to you. If a guy is into you, it's usually very clear that he wants you more then just a friend.

 

Try, in future to keep your heart off your sleeve and play your cards a little closer to your chest.

 

He'll likely get in contact with you again with an apology and an excuse for his silence when he thinks you've gotten over your crush on him.