Anfisaa Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I just found this site and thought I might say what's been bugging me for a long time now. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now and he is the best except for the fact that he is racist and homophobic. I am 23 and he is 24. I only found out that my boyfriend is racist/homophobic about 6 months ago. He thinks that being gay is unnatural and wrong because of the following reasons: a man and a woman were created specifically to reproduce and be attracted to one another for that reason so gay people have something wrong with their head and must have went through a traumatic event for them to "turn" gay. I support his opinion but what I don't like is when he says things like "omg ew they're gay", "he's ing weird" and plenty of other negative things when he sees gay people. He says that he wouldn't like to be friends with gay people because he doesn't like them. I told him that it is wrong to discriminate against people especially if they can't change something and give them a chance at least but he said no. I even asked if what would you do if you found out I was bi and he said that I would still love you but I wouldn't like it. He said that if it makes me upset he will stop but I don't want to stop because I still know deep down how he feels and it hurts me. As for him being racist, he hates black people. He says every black person he met is loud and annoying and he wouldn't like to associate himself with those kind of people. I told him once again that he has to give people he doesn't like a chance and stop judging them for being someone they can't change and he wouldn't change his mind. He thinks that I am too sensitive and should stop protecting people I don't know and that those people that I am "protecting" would never fight for me like I do for them if something negative was said about me so I should stop doing it. I told him that it's not the fact that I care bout those people but it's the fact that someone I love so much thinks in such a negative way about people in general. I don't know what to do in this situation. He said he respects my opinion and that I should also respect his but I just can't. Even though he said he'll stop he still sometimes makes those stupid remarks. About a week ago we were shopping and there was a group of loud black people and he got really mad and whispered "ing stupid people" which really hurt to hear. Should I break up with him and see if he changes his mind? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 People don’t change beliefs because you break up with them. You just don’t tolerate hate against people. If you do then you are complicit as well. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Should I break up with him and see if he changes his mind? No, breakup with him because you're incompatible. Link to comment
Anfisaa Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 I really don't want to break up with him because I see a future with us together. I don't see my future without him. Is there a way I could change his mind somehow? He actually told me that if he had a kid that turned out to be gay he would still love him and wouldn't try to change him. He's not a violent person and never says stuff he told me to others because he knows that most people are against his opinion. Is there no way at all to save our relationship? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Is this something you want taught to your kids? Because you teach your beliefs to kids intentionally and unintentionally. Link to comment
Anfisaa Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 He doesn't stop me from being friends with black or gay people. I have gay friends and he said that he will talk with them normally and won't ever be mean to them. He said himself that he respects my beliefs and isn't trying to change them and I am the one pushing my beliefs on him. I know that he wouldn't teach his kids to be against a certain group of people because that is up to the kid to decide. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 It is naïve to think that kids won’t pick this up . Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 I also suggest you educate yourself on why people are gay. They are born this way. It is not a traumatic event, or choice. This is who they are. How old are you? Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 It's always a bad idea to stay with someone hoping they will change. Link to comment
Anfisaa Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 It was my boyfriend that said that and I myself have told him that they are born this way. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 It's always a bad idea to stay with someone hoping they will change. Exactly. And people don’t often change their integral beliefs once they are adults. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 You said you "support his opinion." What opinion is that? Link to comment
Anfisaa Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 Sorry, english is not my first language. I didn't mean to say support. I meant "support" as in I acknowledge his opinion on the fact that some people who are gay might experience a trauma of some sort because we watched a documentary on that. Like I don't know how to change his mind on something that he already seen was proven right(in the documentary there was a guy who was forced to be gay by a mother who wanted a daughter and he thaught it was right) in some cases. So I was ok with only that but not with everything else. Link to comment
Anfisaa Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 I told him that was one incident where a guy thought he was gay but wasn't and that in real life there are people who actually are gay and can't help it. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Well. I don't think that this hateful and narrow-minded thinking will ever change. How can you have any respect for someone that thinks like this? His thinking is disturbing. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Sorry, english is not my first language. I didn't mean to say support. I meant "support" as in I acknowledge his opinion on the fact that some people who are gay might experience a trauma of some sort because we watched a documentary on that. Like I don't know how to change his mind on something that he already seen was proven right(in the documentary there was a guy who was forced to be gay by a mother who wanted a daughter and he thaught it was right) in some cases. So I was ok with only that but not with everything else. One documentary doesn’t make something fact. Link to comment
Cope Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 This is a fundamental difference. You should break up. No, he won't change his mind, it will only get worse, break up or not. Are you proud when you are with him in public and he says these things? You should be proud of the person you are with. Never break up with a person to see if they change their minds for any reason. If you pay closer attention you will probably see that he isn't that perfect on other areas also. You have your whole life to find a person you can really see a future with. Also, there is always a future without a person. Link to comment
Anfisaa Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 He knows that most everyone would hate him if he told his opinions to someone else but he shares them with me. He never says those things out loud to hurt anyone. I just wish I could change his mind on this. Is there not tips at all to open up his mind? I never met anyone like him, he cares a lot about me and I can see it. I told him one time that I would break up with him if he keeps saying those offensive things and he was deeply hurt by that and said that he just can't seem to change his opinion but he loves me a lot. Link to comment
j.man Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Look. He's racist and doesn't like gay people. Those are the facts right there. If it's worth it to you to keep dating him despite those facts, then you do you. Personally, I couldn't, which is why I wouldn't hang around hoping they change. Take it or leave it. It's really that simple. Link to comment
Cope Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 What j.man said. It's simple. He won't change his mind. If just met him and you heard him saying those things, would you care to change his mind? I mean, maybe you would, but would you get in a relationship with him? Heck, would you even befriend him? I would never consider to have a friend like that. He seems to care a lot about you but do you know the saying "a person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person." Be careful. Even if he is sooooo nice to you, like others mentioned above, your kids will probably pick up this behavior. Do you really want to, literally, breed this type of thinking? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 People are not born racist. This is LEARNED behaviour and from whom? Usually our first teachers ie , our parents. Link to comment
veneratio Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 I'm gonna tell you something that I really don't like revealing to people. I grew up in a somewhat racist home. It was racist. I can't say somewhat. I got my behind beat for playing with kids of certain races. I have consciously tried to change my upbringing, but I feel it affecting me still sometimes. If you're truly concerned about your kids beliefs or possible beliefs then you've gotta be honest with the idea that this will affect them in some way. And just because he says that he'd accept a gay child doesn't mean that he truly will. Words and actions are two entirely different things. If you love him then stay with him, but don't expect him to change. Those are his beliefs, whether wrong or right, and don't expect it not to affect your children if you two make it that far down the line. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Unfortunately what you see is what you get and his opinions were formed long before you came along. Dating is not about debating or changing people. If his views offend you then you break up. I am 23.Should I break up with him and see if he changes his mind? Link to comment
thealchemist Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 Blind hate is pretty big red flag for me. I live in an area with a lot of people like that. I hear young children use slurs because their parents do. It is infectious. If you are with a person like that then it will affect your children, without a doubt. Why do you think it is still so commonplace but geographically related? What if your children chose a partner of African descent, or are gay? They will know his opinions and know he doesn't approve of them, whether he is actively putting them down or not. Link to comment
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