7+ years no proposal

Hello. This is my first post and I'm feeling pretty low as I'm writing, but hoping for some advice/support here...

I've been with my current boyfriend "on and off" for the last 7+ years (we met in 2008, started dating summer of 2010, and I'm writing this in march 2018). I am 27 and he is 28. We have lived together for the last 2.5 years.

I say "on and off" because we've broken up twice in the past - once after our first year dating, we were both in college, and broke up for 1-2 months before getting back together. He said he "wanted to be single" but came crawling back... Second time we broke up was when I graduated from college before him and moved to a different city to work full time while he finished school. We were long distance for about 3 months before he decided he didn't like long distance and decided to end it. That break up lasted a year, but we got back together in Feb 2014, so have now been consistently dating with no break ups for 4 years.

Because we've been together for so long, of course we share a lot of the same friends. I'm close with his family and vice versa. I definitely do not think he is cheating on me - that really isn't even a thought in my mind just to take that off the table before anyone suggests/asks.

I'm writing because I find myself increasingly filled with depression & anxiety over the fact that he hasn't proposed. I know I want to be with him (and have known that all along). He tells me he loves me, talks about having kids, our future home... etc... so I am led to believe that he wants to be with me in the future, as well. I've told him many times that I'm ready to get engaged/married, and he has even asked me to show him rings that I'm interested in. However we've had conversations like this for at least the last 6-9 months, and still nothing.

My friends/coworkers tell me this is ridiculous. That if he wanted to propose, he would have done it by now. One of my friends even suggested that HE MIGHT BE GAY?!! and that is why he hasn't proposed, but I refuse to believe that. I have never had that thought and it's just disturbed me ever since she brought it up (FYI she has only met him once or twice, really does not know him very well). I try to remain hopeful and patient, thinking that we are still relatively young, and he is probably saving up money. But, I've noticed that I've become very insecure towards him and our relationship because of this. I turn little arguments into a huge drama, because I'm upset that "maybe this is the reason he hasn't proposed". It's hurting my self confidence, and I'm normally a very confident person.

In the time we've been together, SO many of our close friends have been engaged & married. Even couples who started dating much later than we did... (ie we are going to a wedding shower this weekend for a couple that's been together 2 years). I try so hard not to compare, but every time I see an engagement announcement I get jealous & bitter about my situation. What should I do? Should I stick around and hope that eventually he will propose? Is this a lost cause? Someone please give me some advice and/or words of encouragement. Happy to answer any questions you may have about our relationship if that helps as well...

Well, there's a couple of things. First of all, I don't hear anything about being in love. You're saying you've invested 7 years in the relationship and you're owed a proposal and the typical female response of "all my friends are getting married." (I've never heard a guy say this -- ever.) That doesn't sound exactly like a great relationship here.

Second of all, have you brought up the topic of marriage. I can tell you for a lot of guys marriage is the last thing on their mind. If you haven't said anything, about 99% of guys aren't going to bring up the subject. If he thinks you're happy with the relationship as it is, he isn't going to ask you to marry him.

The third point is, are you sure you want to get married. Even if he says yes, are you going to be happy? That's for you to answer because I don't know the details of your relationship. Are you happy in this relationship? Is this the guy you want to be married to? Or can you do better? So it's all something to think about.

This relationship limps along and will continue to waste your time until you decide enough is enough. If it is important to you to get a marriage proposal and possibly start a family, then this guy is not the one to do it.

I agree with your friends.

In the time we've been together, SO many of our close friends have been engaged & married.

Stop right there. Everyone is on a different timeline. I think that's the true crux of the matter over anything else. Don't just want to get married because everyone seems to be doing it. As far as the person who has just been together two years -- when they met they were both ready to marry and find a husband/wife. When you met your guy, you were college students just starting to figure life out.

When you moved in with him - what was your motivation? were you both on the same page about what it means?

If marriage was important to you, you would not have moved in expecting him to propose because you did it.

You say you talked about kids, etc, but did you ever talk about when you saw yourselves married?

I don't think its unusual to have had the first breakup when you are in college and figuring out your direction - and get back together - but breaking up the second time - i think that is telling.

I agree - you need to decide if you will be happy married to him or are just thinking you should be married because everything seems to point to it happening next.

It's unclear why you are freaking out about this when this ring talk 6 mos ago? Did you show him rings? How is your relationship? What do you mean by "big drama"? Can you afford a wedding at this time? Do both work full time and feel set in your careers? How is the living together situation? Do you generally get along?

We have lived together for the last 2.5 years. He tells me he loves me, talks about having kids, our future home. I've told him many times that I'm ready to get engaged/married, and he has even asked me to show him rings that I'm interested in. However we've had conversations like this for at least the last 6-9 months, and still nothing.

However we've had conversations like this for at least the last 6-9 months, and still nothing.

Chillax!

I'd ask myself this question, "If I knew that this was the most BF will ever offer--no less, but no more--would I stay or would I go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are. If the answer is go, the next question becomes, "When?"

My bestfriend's husband took over 6 months to propose even after he got the ring because he needed to get the ring resized, and then to get the dad's permission, but the weekend he was going to, her sister got engaged, so he postponed. So it got delayed. All the while, he only told me, and she didn't, which about she drove me crazy how much he sucked for not proposing, and I had to keep my mouth shut until he did. UGHHHHHH.

But you are asking him the wrong questions. It's not a matter of if he wants to marry you; does he have the things he needs before you can get married, checked off. In a lot of cases, many men are convinced they need a house, or savings, or savings and a great diamond ring, and, or savings for the wedding. Ask him when he sees you two getting married.

So what if your friends are getting hitched. This journey is about what you two need to do to feel secure with a coming together in a legal binding partnership.

Has he said anything about not wanting to get married? Has he expressed any doubts about your future together?

I was once in a similar position, with about the same time-frame and at more or less the same age as you. My ex had taken me ring shopping twice (his idea, both times) and a year after the second shopping trip we still weren't engaged. Obviously I was starting to wonder what was going on. Friends and family were doing that annoying thing they do when a long-term couple isn't engaged, and "joking" about when we would finally tie the knot.

I decided we needed to talk. And that is when he finally revealed that he had been having a lot of doubts about us getting married, and didn't know if we were right for each other anymore. By that point, I had started to wonder the same. We stayed together a few more months trying to see if we could make it work, but it was a depressing few months, which I knew would precede a final break-up. And that's what eventually happened.

My point is that if you nothing transpires after a few more months, talk to him. Take your relationship's temperature and see how he's feeling about a future together. Don't ask him why there's no ring, but do communicate about whether or not you're still on the same page.

he finally revealed that he had been having a lot of doubts about us getting married, and didn't know if we were right for each other anymore. By that point, I had started to wonder the same

This is actually more accurate of a situation I was in prior. Everyone wondered what was taking so long. He asked what rings I liked, talked about when we might get engaged, but in reality, he wasn't sure about us, and I had already been unhappy with his constant gaming. He promised me the moon to manipulate me into getting an abortion, which afterwards, only a week later, he asked me to move out.

Length of a relationship does not determine if you two are right for each other.

If you want to be married, perhaps you are the one that needs to propose.

That will get you the info you actually seek here. You know, instead of playing the endless game and waiting for everyone around you to do what you believe they “should be” doing.

Please do not propose to him. At the stage you are in this relationship, it would be a sad and desperate woman who proposes to this man. As you have already been told, if he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed already. You surely dropped enough hints on top of it being 7 years. There isn't any reason that he or anyone else can contrive that would legitimately explain this long of a delay except that he simply doesn't want to for whatever reason(s). It doesn't take 4 years to decide. If you have the money to live together, then you have the money to be married. Since he can't seem to make up his mind, it's time you put him out of his misery.

I like to spend time YouTubing Steven Harvey's "Ask Steve" segments from his previous shows. On one of them, a lady tells Steve and his wife, Marjorie, that she and boyfriend have been together for X number of years (I think 10 but don't recall exactly). She said they have children together but she hasn't been able to get him to marry her. Marjorie answered the lady (and Steve agreed), "You don't require marriage. If you required it, you would be married."

And that's all your problem is - you didn't require marriage. Instead of making that requirement of him, you went along with his program and dropped hints that went entirely ignored. You didn't know you weren't supposed to let him drag you through 4 years continous after the prior breakups, and you weren't supposed to drop hints either. You need to learn how to take control of your life, instead of allowing men to use you.

I had rules/standards that I and the men I met and dated had to live by. One of my rules was that I wouldn't date a guy more than two years because that is long enough for two people to know if they want to be together. At the 2-year point was time to evaluate the relationship to determine what it actually was as opposed to what I'd spent that two years hoping it would be.

If I were you (which I would never let a guy string me along this long), I would have to let him go at this point. Breaking up with him would prompt him to propose because that's what breaking up does to people, but I couldn't accept his proposal under that kind of circumstance. There's no way I would allow him to later throw up in my face that I forced him to marry me. So I think you should make a clean break and tell him, "I have loved you for 7 years and I love you still, but I have decided it is time to move on to give each of us the opportunity to find what we really want in life and to find the people we really want to build our futures with. I know I have a great life to look forward to with someone who truly wants to spend it with me, and I know you do too. This is very hard for me because I thought you were my soul mate and life partner, but I have grown resentful that you have not been honest with me and have only been stringing me along for your own purpose. I don't want my resentment to affect my affection for you because I hope we may remain on friendly terms and cherish all that we shared together. We will have to work out the particulars of the separation, and I really wish you well. I want you to be happy and loved the way you need to be loved."

As I said, he will likely want to propose after that but you shouldn't accept it, so don't do this if you don't mean it just to try to get a proposal out of him. I know you will and likely won't break up with him, but it's time you began living for yourself and looking out for yourself. Consider your own needs and the next man you date, find out within the first year what his intentions are and whether the two of you want the same things from the relationship.

...I wouldn't date a guy more than two years...

This guideline, plus rejecting PopC's silly 'trial run, live together' lie, would save millions of wasted years.

Thank you StarFires, for one of the best posts I've seen on this board. Ever.

Helpful, insightful, kind. Thank you.

Thank you StarFires, for one of the best posts I've seen on this board. Ever.

 

Helpful, insightful, kind. Thank you.

That was very kind of you, LHGirl. Thanks so much, and you're very welcome.