Just after some advice

Hi all,

I've never posted on one of these dating advice sites and I'm fairly sure I know what your answers will be but I'll ask for your views and advice anyway.

So I'm 35 and I met what I thought was the most lovely 30 year old woman. She has a 1 year old child and is currently going through a terrible divorce. (I know you guys are thinking already "stay the fk away")

When I first met her, she wasn't in a position to be in a relationship and I understood that but we became very good friends. She'd call me every night, message me everyday and it felt great. She'd tell me all about the horrible things this guy was doing.

After 4 months, the inevitable happened and we became more than friends. In hindsight I should never have allowed this.

We stayed together as much as we could, I took her and her child on and was super happy. For 8 months she had a lot of crap from her currently divorcing husband and some of this was nasty, real nasty. Nevertheless, I stuck by her, I made sure she was OK.

She made sure she had all her locks in her home changed so that he could not get in. She called the police on him. She showed me all the terrible messages. You get the picture.

She used to tell me everyday that she missed me so much and loved me more as the days went by. She even said she hopes this divorce is over soon so that her and I could be together properly like a family. She said she wanted a baby with me someday. She invited me to her country to see her family, which was really nice.

Anyway two weeks ago it changed overnight.

This guy is now allowed back into her house and he is still trying to get back with her. She assures me that this will never happen and she is not in the slightest bit interested in him. It's purely for her daughter. Yeah, I know what you're all thinking.

On a thursday night she told "I miss you so much xxxxxxxxxxxx" and on Friday she suddenly told me we could be friends but that's it and that we she only loved me as friends. This came as a shock.

Naturally like anyone, I had questions. Questions when asked, she just gets all bad tempered.

Well I asked if she ever loved me and I get the "well there must of been something there" followed by the "we are just not right for each other, I never wanted a relationship, it just happened" etc etc.

I thought this was just her having a bad mood, or a funny event and that she'd get over it when we saw each other in person. So we did.

So it's one week before we are going on holiday to her family's place and she came clothes shopping with me and gave me the "I love you so much" speech and so I thought yeah she's snapped out of it. I was wrong. As soon as she went home, the bad started again.

For the whole week we were arguing and something didn't seem right. She told me again that she didn't love me anymore and that she had no fun around me which really hurt my feelings.

I showed my friends these messages and they advised me to not go away with her and to just cut her off. I didn't listen. Dumb me.

On the wednesday, 3 days before we are due to go away, she told me that her family were excited to meet me which felt really nice.

So along comes Thursday and I find out her ex who she is divorcing is taking her to the airport. I find this out last minute and so I ask why he is taking her. Her response was "It's easier for me as he can drop me and the child off at the airport directly so that I don't have to mess around with buses with the pushchair"

So Friday came, the night before we are due to go away. I didn't hear a thing from her, not even a "are you all set and ready to go" I got nothing. So I messaged her and she was reading my messages but not replying. My brother said she's ignoring me and clearly didn't want me to go and I should just tell her to do one and keep my head held high.

Subconsciously I'd been distancing myself so save some hurt.

I asked her at 9pm why she is being quiet, I didn't get a response for hours. At 11pm I asked if she still wanted me to go. The response I got was "I want to sleep"

After I asked again I got "yes"

That was it, nothing more until we were in the airport security bit.

I got on the plane with her and she was all smiles and I kinda thought everything will be OK. No way was it.

We got to her parents and in the evening when it was all quiet, I asked her what's been going on and she said "I just don't want you anymore", "it's not working"you know the sort of stuff.

So the next day I got the lecture of "I have only ever loved you as a friend", which you know you then ask "why did you tell me you wanted a future and babies with me someday?" This just makes her bad tempered and say "I don't wanna talk about it" which makes you think bad and suspicious.

Anyway I thought I'm not fool and jumped on a plane home and told her where to go.

She does the blocking and unblocking thing, why, I don't know.

I have been home for 5 days and had numerous texts like "don't talk to me", "how was the movie with your niece?" Weird right?

Now I don't need this situation with somebody going through a divorce, I would of stood by her through the whole thing but I don't need the bullsh!£ lines like "I'm doing this to stop you getting hurt". What insulting bull****!

Then I get the let's be friends. OK I would like to know a few things. So I ask and then no we cannot be friends. Apparently me asking things makes me come across as some sort of victim (who knew?) and pushes her away.

I can't keep up with it.

Anyway today I receive more screenshots of nasty messages from her ex.

I told her given the situation I don't want to be in a relationship anyway, so can't we just be normal friends like how we used to be when we first met. "No, have a nice evening" she says. I've not heard more from her since that which was 30 minutes ago.

So in the space of two weeks, she's taken literally everything away yet continues to message me and ask me how my day was and to send me screenshots of this other guys messages, even today!

I don't get it.

My brain can't quite work it all out, maybe it's the shock to the system, I don't know but do I just tell her to do one? or do I try to make some sort of friends?

Now I'm not heart broken as it had only been 8 months and the situation was hard but at the same time I feel as if I lost some one who once was decent and very loving.

I feel as if I have been a rebound.

What would you do?

Forgot to add this morning I woke up to a Whatsapp saying "I think we just were together because we picked each other up when we were down. This is how I know there is no romance between us hence you got over it fast and good morning :) " what did I get over so fast?

I ask what? and get "just leave me alone" to later get "how was the movie with your niece"

I feel a little gutted and my pride is hurt but I don't feel heartbroken. It does feel weird without her calling me at night anymore.

Well.....not sure what your question is. What you are dealing with is textbook classic why you don't get involved with someone who is going through a divorce.

They aren't capable of being a good partner, they aren't emotionally stable, they will use you and abuse you (not because they are a bad person but because they are going through an emotional roller coaster from hell and it's just all part and parcel of it). Basically, you are there to fill a void, to be her punching bag, to be her entertainment, her crutch, etc, etc, etc. In the end, it's just an unworkable madness and ultimately, once the divorce is final OR once they hubby and her decide to reconcile, you will be ruthlessly discarded and cast aside.

Please do yourself a huge favor and block her, heal, move on and take it as a hard lesson learned - stay the fck away from these kinds of situations no matter what. You thought your story would be the exception, but now you know that it isn't.

Sorry this happened. Her blowing hot/cold is because she's in the throes of divorce and well, all over the place. There's no logic or sense with any of this as a result.

Thanks, it sure helps when somebody from outside tells me things.

Yes, you were most definitely the rebound. She's not even really done with her husband, regardless of what she says. Her actions speak far more loudly. She uses you for emotional support when he's being a jerk, but then drops you like a hot potato as soon as things are smoother with him.

No, don't bother even trying to be friends with her. She doesn't treat you well enough to even be considered a "friend."

Wayne, reading your story, I'm thinking you are a good guy, you helped this lady out when she needed something, and you should have no regrets about stepping up and doing that but ...

on Friday she suddenly told me we could be friends but that's it and that we she only loved me as friends.

She friend-zoned you.

Get out of that zone, or she'll just keep you hanging around for emotional support while she starts seeing someone else. That is just toxic for you, you can't move on if you are there.

Next time she sends you a text, send one back that says - "After what has happened between us, I can't just be your friend. That is not how this works. I'm moving on, so don't contact me again."

Note: no pleasantries, no apologies. Be direct and firm.

And then block her number.

Hi all,

Thanks for all your replies.

Just a quick update.

When you get questions on your mind about why something has changed, it's only human nature to ask why. Everytime I'd ask a question on this she would get bad tempered which was obviously because she couldn't BS up an answer.

Well today she told me she will never share with me anything that this guy does to her and she couldn't be my friend because I stress her out by wanting to know things. It's been 8 months of my life so of course I want to know stuff.

Well approx 1 hour ago, she whatsapp'd me asking me for advice and sent me some screenshots of what this guy was saying to her. It was bad stuff!

I asked why am I being shown this as it's not my problem.

Apparently the guy wants to talk to me and she wants me to lie for her and tell him that me and her were never romantically involved.

I've refused and said I won't lie. I get told this is not what a friend would do (oh the irony).

My blood just boiled, I woke up, told her that just a few hours ago she did not want to be my friend or share things with me and that it's about time she just fked off out of my life and that I didn't need a deceitful, user of a friend like her.

She is now blocked.

I miss her face but I don't need anybody that's going to use me and make me feel like I am worthless as the stuff she would say was quite confidence destroying.

Thank you all.

You certainly made the right choice by blocking her. Just be careful not to cave, as she'll continue to throw the bait as long as you're there to catch it.

Respect yourself...

This woman was bad news.

Keep her blocked. She is lying to you and her husband.

Hello Wayne,

Sorry you are going through this rubbish.

MissCanuck is absolutely spot on.

Let her go completely and move forward from here and don't look back.

Thanks all, it really helps to vent.

So it's the next day now and we still have each other blocked which I know is a blessing.

I let her have it last night and told her exactly how I feel that telling me she wanted a child with me, to live with me, to be together and to of actually been stringing me along for 8 months was just a sick thing to do. I couldn't do that to anyone.

I felt proud of myself for stopping the crap and removing myself from this situation but at the moment I do miss her but I am constantly reminding myself that all the good times were fake and that she's really not a good person.

8 months of going out together every weekend for this to be the result. It feels gutting and hurtful.

I guess I'll never understand that type of person.

She's a hot mess that has no respect for herself, so of course she won't give any to you.

Leave her alone forever. Her issues with her ex are not your issues. She didn't want to be with you, so let her find how to deal with life now. She's not a friend, don't fall for her bs. She's a user that wants sympathy when she's in a mess.

It's hard dealing with an ex when you share a child, but seems she was turning on you when he'd be better to her, only to repeat his same patterns again. She shouldn't even be dating.

I felt proud of myself for stopping the crap and removing myself from this situation

Good. Keep it up.

So it's been two days with the whole no contact thing.

I've been feeling quite guilty as to how I left it with her, it's not in my nature to tell anyone to go away and so I left her a friendly voice message apologising for how I spoke but I did it because I was hurt and as much as I miss her, I need to remove myself from the situation.

Telling her that I don't resent her for how she treated me actually made me feel better. Plus life's too short to bare a grudge towards anyone.

I am at the point where even though I know there was no chance for a future, I do miss her and the days out, and the little things she used to do.

On the plus side, I've been with women for much longer than I was with her and been dumped before and so I know I'll get through this and will one day think nothing of this experience.

I am finding myself questioning it all, all running through my head which is quite irritating as I will never know the real answer.

For me the toughest part is knowing I'll never see that person again.

The real answer is you got involved with a married woman and she was telling you what you want to hear...pretty desperately.... The harsh answer is that you thought that if you save her, you'll get to keep her. Life NEVER works out that way.

Btw, stop being a doormat. Telling her off was the right thing to do. Calling her to apologize for what was right is actually wrong. It's you acting wishy washy, looking for attention yourself. What a mess.

Please lose her number and don't ever do this again.

Totally right. I just thought I'd try to be the bigger person and not show hard feelings.

I have deleted all contact details and even photos to let go.

All I feel is gutted as I thought it would work out. I don't feel heartbroken or unsettled like I did when I broke up with my previous two partners. Not really sure why....

Sounds like you are lonely, she came on hot and heavy and was telling you what you want to hear. You kind of got swept up in that and the gutted feeling is the result. Kind of a dream fantasy thing just got shattered by reality. The not feeling heartbroken...because there was no real love. Just some highs and lows and the addictive power that kind of roller coaster ride has. You'll be over this sooner than you think.

Wayne,

Wow! You are a good and decent person and you have done enough and dealt with too much. You do not deserve any of this.

You've done the right thing by blocking and go completely no contact, forever.

Mitch

Thanks both of you.

I'm the kind of guy that really hates hurting others feelings, it makes me feel guilty later on yet I talk to my brother and he says similar to you all, that I shouldn't feel guilty and that he would of said a lot worse than I did.

As the days go by I care a little less, I think it's the hurtful stuff she said is playing on my mind. Conveniently I get this treated the day after her divorcing ex moves next door to her with his new gf. What a weird setup.

"As the days go by I care a little less, I think it's the hurtful stuff she said is playing on my mind. Conveniently I get this treated the day after her divorcing ex moves next door to her with his new gf. What a weird setup."

Weird indeed, and you don't need to be involved in the weird setup.

I would just stay away from all of this.

Mitch

There is a difference between not wanting to hurt people's feelings and not being able to stand up for yourself.

I am not saying you should be rude to her, but rather that you shouldn't be the one apologizing. She is awful and played you.

Thanks all

I never realised that talking to people would help but its actually helped me so much.

Thanks all I really appreciate it.

Most people don't want to hurt someone and feel guilty if they do, but no one should be a doormat either.

Your ex has a great deal of issues. It's best to leave her to figure them out because she was pretty awful to you.

While feeling guilty, you shouldn't forget the pain she brought upon you too.

So after two weeks of NC she unblocks me. I didn't send any messages, wasnt really tempted either, but at the same time I like to find out how people tick.

She messaged me asking who the little boy was in my profile pic, which was my nephew.

Ive recently just got back in touch with my family and had been putting status video things on WhatsApp and she watches them, it shows.

So I asked "why have you unblocked me?" to which I get the response "I don't know why I have unblocked you"

I've not replied to this.

She's also changed her profile pic a lot these days (and usually never changes it). I've not been stalking but she shows on the first page of my WhatsApp.

Who unblocks someone and doesn't know why?

Breadcrumb.