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Thread: Advice/Thoughts/Advice on not taking husband's surname

  1. #1
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    Advice/Thoughts/Advice on not taking husband's surname

    Hello everyone!

    I hope you're all well. I was wondering if I could get some advice/thoughts on the topic of not taking your husband's name when you get married.

    We are going to be getting married late 2019, but I've been thinking about this for a while and I have spoken to him about it. It's just now I need to make a decision rather than it being just a thought (thankfully there's still time to mull it over).

    I love my name. It's the name I was born with, what I've grown up with for 31 year, it's who I am. It's not that I dislike my husband-to-be's surname, I just like my own more because it's part of my identity.

    There's no issues really with me keeping my own name, he understands where I'm coming from and said it the roles were reversed he would have the same thoughts as me.

    My main worry is what do we name our children? We thought of adding the two surnames together, but without telling you what they are, they just do not sound good as a double-barrel surname!

    Has anyone here kept their name when they got married? If you had a family, which surname did you end up using for the children? If you picked your husband's surname for the children, did you feel any disconnect/sadness that you have a different surname to your children?

    Thank you for reading! :)

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    In my culture, women keep their name when they get married and it's totally normal, but the children take the name of the father usually. It's the way i imagine it to be when I'll have children myself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I am engaged and will be keeping my name. Our child will have my name. This is because there are no children to continue our family. It's important to me to have that connection and it makes sense to both of us that a child would take a maternal name rather than a paternal one. It's not traditional in either of our cultures but it's how we want to do it. The first name will be chosen by my fiancé.

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    I kept my name, my daughter has her father’s name. Most of my friends have operated similarly, unless they took their husband’s names. I only know one couple who hyphenated and as the children got older they drifted toward one name because their last name was really unwieldy.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My ex SIL kept her name and my brother’s kids have his last name.

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    In my father's family particularly, there was a tradition of giving the sons their mother's surname as a middle name, and the daughters got their mother's middle name as their own middle name. But over time that has faded away.

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    Bronze Member Smoothie58's Avatar
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    I had a lot of the same thoughts as you. I always imagined taking my husband's surname but then when time came to do it, I really panicked. I felt like my name was "ME" and I spent my whole life with this name and why did I have to change it??? I didn't like the idea that just because I was getting married I had to remove my last name and it seems unfair that its usually on the woman to take the last name. I also wasn't crazy about my husband's last name either which didn't really help matters. I thought it over for a long time and eventually decided to change my name because I wanted to have the same last name as my child. I know many people who don't have the same last name as their child and its obviously no issue at all, but I for some reason just felt like I wanted to have the same last name. I also didn't want to do the hyphenated last name because I thought that was more of a "hassle" for my child, especially if/when my child gets married and has to deal with last name issues of his/her own. I know many people do, but it just wasn't for me.

    Ultimately, I decided to change my last name and I can honestly say now that its over and done with and several years later, I don't even think about it. It doesn't phase me and I've seamlessly become this "new" person and am actually glad I did change it. I can 100% relate to the difficult decision.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    My mom's family is from Spain and wives don't take their husbands names, while children are given a name from both parents (though typically from their respective paternal lineages). So I have three last names, two Spanish (mom gave me both hers for whatever reason) and then non-Spanish (my dad's). It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue during the transition there. Just because your kid might have two last names doesn't mean they have to go by both, so it really doesn't have to be a big deal if they don't blend well when spoken. Personally, I use one of my mom's names for social purposes and my dad's name for formal purposes. I never just rattle off my whole name like the cliche news anchor, though.

    Funny enough, it was I who wanted my fiancee to keep her name and to give our children both names, keeping with the custom I know. She really wants to take on my name, though. Doesn't really matter enough to me to want to make an issue of it.

    Also, simply for ease of logistics for things like hospital visitation, for example, it's probably good to have both names for official record if you are deciding not to take on your fiance's.

  10. #9
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I know for me as a child I did not have the same last name as my mom because my mom remarried. I was mocked all.the.time. Mind you this is so common place now no one blinks an eye.

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    And in Québec women are not allowed to take their husband’s surname unless they were married before 1985 and the children commonly have the father’s surname.

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