Advice/Thoughts/Advice on not taking husband's surname

Hello everyone!

I hope you're all well. I was wondering if I could get some advice/thoughts on the topic of not taking your husband's name when you get married.

We are going to be getting married late 2019, but I've been thinking about this for a while and I have spoken to him about it. It's just now I need to make a decision rather than it being just a thought (thankfully there's still time to mull it over).

I love my name. It's the name I was born with, what I've grown up with for 31 year, it's who I am. It's not that I dislike my husband-to-be's surname, I just like my own more because it's part of my identity.

There's no issues really with me keeping my own name, he understands where I'm coming from and said it the roles were reversed he would have the same thoughts as me.

My main worry is what do we name our children? We thought of adding the two surnames together, but without telling you what they are, they just do not sound good as a double-barrel surname!

Has anyone here kept their name when they got married? If you had a family, which surname did you end up using for the children? If you picked your husband's surname for the children, did you feel any disconnect/sadness that you have a different surname to your children?

Thank you for reading! :)

In my culture, women keep their name when they get married and it's totally normal, but the children take the name of the father usually. It's the way i imagine it to be when I'll have children myself.

I am engaged and will be keeping my name. Our child will have my name. This is because there are no children to continue our family. It's important to me to have that connection and it makes sense to both of us that a child would take a maternal name rather than a paternal one. It's not traditional in either of our cultures but it's how we want to do it. The first name will be chosen by my fiancé.

I kept my name, my daughter has her father’s name. Most of my friends have operated similarly, unless they took their husband’s names. I only know one couple who hyphenated and as the children got older they drifted toward one name because their last name was really unwieldy.

My ex SIL kept her name and my brother’s kids have his last name.

In my father's family particularly, there was a tradition of giving the sons their mother's surname as a middle name, and the daughters got their mother's middle name as their own middle name. But over time that has faded away.

I had a lot of the same thoughts as you. I always imagined taking my husband's surname but then when time came to do it, I really panicked. I felt like my name was "ME" and I spent my whole life with this name and why did I have to change it??? I didn't like the idea that just because I was getting married I had to remove my last name and it seems unfair that its usually on the woman to take the last name. I also wasn't crazy about my husband's last name either which didn't really help matters. I thought it over for a long time and eventually decided to change my name because I wanted to have the same last name as my child. I know many people who don't have the same last name as their child and its obviously no issue at all, but I for some reason just felt like I wanted to have the same last name. I also didn't want to do the hyphenated last name because I thought that was more of a "hassle" for my child, especially if/when my child gets married and has to deal with last name issues of his/her own. I know many people do, but it just wasn't for me.

Ultimately, I decided to change my last name and I can honestly say now that its over and done with and several years later, I don't even think about it. It doesn't phase me and I've seamlessly become this "new" person and am actually glad I did change it. I can 100% relate to the difficult decision.

My mom's family is from Spain and wives don't take their husbands names, while children are given a name from both parents (though typically from their respective paternal lineages). So I have three last names, two Spanish (mom gave me both hers for whatever reason) and then non-Spanish (my dad's). It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue during the transition there. Just because your kid might have two last names doesn't mean they have to go by both, so it really doesn't have to be a big deal if they don't blend well when spoken. Personally, I use one of my mom's names for social purposes and my dad's name for formal purposes. I never just rattle off my whole name like the cliche news anchor, though.

Funny enough, it was I who wanted my fiancee to keep her name and to give our children both names, keeping with the custom I know. She really wants to take on my name, though. Doesn't really matter enough to me to want to make an issue of it.

Also, simply for ease of logistics for things like hospital visitation, for example, it's probably good to have both names for official record if you are deciding not to take on your fiance's.

I know for me as a child I did not have the same last name as my mom because my mom remarried. I was mocked all.the.time. Mind you this is so common place now no one blinks an eye.

And in Québec women are not allowed to take their husband’s surname unless they were married before 1985 and the children commonly have the father’s surname.

My name is First, Middle, Last, and His Last Name. No hyphen, so I can legally go by First and Last. First, Middle, and Last. And First Middle, His Last. Or First, Last, and His Last, or First and His Last name. My husband jokes because I have endless aliases, and it makes me giggle that I do.

If you use a hyphen, they you have to use the full last name. Kiddos have his last name only. Taken a man's last antiquated. I updated mine because I wanted to. And I didn't have to change my name on any of my cc's, taxes, banking or license; just my social security card and my health benefits.

So, I hate to be cliche but whatever works for you as a couple is what you should do. I was fine giving up my name because I liked his name and in that way we are both traditional. Here's what I don't love - I don't love when my friends call me by a hyphenated name (my maiden name is three times as long as my husband's last name!) even when I explain that I changed it or sign it as changed. I do list my maiden name as an alternate on certain social media and business sites in case someone from the past needs to find me. My maiden name was so long that restaurants used to hyphenate it lol.

Sometimes I do miss my maiden name and I am glad my son has our last name -just makes it easier. Zero stigma these days - so many of his friends do not share the same last name as one of the parents or hyphenate. It's all a big Whatever.

My brother in law's wife didn't take his last name. At the wedding, the co-officiants introduced them as "May we present T. and H." Maybe so we would all know not to call her Mrs. T.

My other brother in law's wife didn't take his name because she was becoming a doctor and wanted her original name on her medical license.

Their children are all hyphenated with His last name-Her last name.

The ONLY reason I took my husband's last name is because no one could pronounce my "maiden" name and I was also tired of having to spell it all the time! His last name has been so much easier to spell and pronounce. However, people are surprised when they meet me in person because they are expecting someone Caucasian and I am Latina. Sigh...

He added my last name as a middle name, and I added his as a last, and we gave our kids those same middle and last. In other words we all have the same middle and last name. I felt no need to change it after we divorced and neither did he. I liked that we, as a family unit, had the same names. It feels like a powerful message, like we are in this together. I would have felt like the "odd man out" if we had kept different last names. Since our kids are boys, I was already the odd man out at times, being the only female. Names are symbolic, they aren't who we really are, but they help connect us and identify us.

Would your husband-to-be be willing to add your name to his so you both make a change in name, sharing that connection (and both "sacrifice" a bit of your old identity in order to create anew)?

I was very lucky. My husband and I had the same last name. Our birth last names are exactly the same . ( no we are not related at all )

I was very lucky. My husband and I had the same last name. Our birth last names are exactly the same . ( no we are not related at all )

I know of a few other examples of that. Was it really cool when you met and realized that?

I know of a few other examples of that. Was it really cool when you met and realized that?

The day we met I asked his last name and he told me. I laughed and said no .... me too!!! His grandmother also married a man with the same last name as her. ( which is our last name as well)

Thanks for your stories everyone! :) It's good to read over them.

My mind might change closer to the time, but for now I'm stuck on wanting to keep my surname. The main thing I think will make me change my mind is that I would want to have the same name as our kids (hopefully we'll have some).

I asked my mom too what she thought and how she felt when she got married. She kept her name for a little while and had my dad's surname after it. Not double barreled, just there. But she dropped her maiden name after a while because it was easier, rather than signing different names to different things.

It's interesting to hear too what it's like in different cultures :) Thanks again for sharing!

Traditionally the child takes the father's name, in my experience, though there are some cultures where the child takes both names. Anything can go, I guess. When I got married, I added my husband's name and kept my own, no hyphen (I had no idea the legalities around a hyphen). My husband wasn't happy about this, and I told him if it's that important that someone changes their name, he can change his...no? You don't want to do that? Neither do I. Get over it. :) So I kept mine, took on his, and largely during our marriage just identified as first name, married last name, and now that I'm divorced, I typically identify with only my maiden name, but on documents and such, obviously both. My middle name got reduced to an initial on the SS card.

The children took his name. It didn't occur to me to do differently, it's just how it's done.

My name matches theirs because I did add my husband's name. After the divorce, I kept it. It's just easier if your name matches your children's, IMO. My mother had to prove her parenthood on a few occasions due to the non-matching names after she dropped it in the divorce. I don't know how problematic this is anymore in this day and age where couples don't necessarily get married and with single parenthood, but I didn't want extra hassle and didn't want the "experiment." At some point I will drop my married name, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest that my name wouldn't match theirs. If I could go back in time, I might consider using both names, however. We don't have any boys left in the line to carry the paternal family name on my family branch. I don't know if it would do any good though, as I don't know what the grandchildren would ultimately be called. :)

Little update to anyone who might find this board :) The wedding happened August this year and I have decided to take his name in the end. I still use my maiden name is some areas (such as work) but I can see this changing over time to my new surname. I thought I would mind more, but the closer it got it didn't bother me that much anymore.

I've heard of issues with mothers travelling with their children when their names don't match. It's a bit old fashioned in my opinion that the mother needs proof, but since his family live in another country, if I ever want to visit them with any future kiddos by myself, I'd rather not have any issues!

I have his name on paper, but I'm still my maiden name in my heart

Thanks again for all the replies everyone! :)