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Thread: Advice/Thoughts/Advice on not taking husband's surname

  1. #11
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    My name is First, Middle, Last, and His Last Name. No hyphen, so I can legally go by First and Last. First, Middle, and Last. And First Middle, His Last. Or First, Last, and His Last, or First and His Last name. My husband jokes because I have endless aliases, and it makes me giggle that I do.

    If you use a hyphen, they you have to use the full last name. Kiddos have his last name only. Taken a man's last antiquated. I updated mine because I wanted to. And I didn't have to change my name on any of my cc's, taxes, banking or license; just my social security card and my health benefits.

  2. #12
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    So, I hate to be cliche but whatever works for you as a couple is what you should do. I was fine giving up my name because I liked his name and in that way we are both traditional. Here's what I don't love - I don't love when my friends call me by a hyphenated name (my maiden name is three times as long as my husband's last name!) even when I explain that I changed it or sign it as changed. I do list my maiden name as an alternate on certain social media and business sites in case someone from the past needs to find me. My maiden name was so long that restaurants used to hyphenate it lol.

    Sometimes I do miss my maiden name and I am glad my son has our last name -just makes it easier. Zero stigma these days - so many of his friends do not share the same last name as one of the parents or hyphenate. It's all a big Whatever.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My brother in law's wife didn't take his last name. At the wedding, the co-officiants introduced them as "May we present <Husband> T. and <Wife> H." Maybe so we would all know not to call her Mrs. T.

    My other brother in law's wife didn't take his name because she was becoming a doctor and wanted her original name on her medical license.

    Their children are all hyphenated with His last name-Her last name.

    The ONLY reason I took my husband's last name is because no one could pronounce my "maiden" name and I was also tired of having to spell it all the time! His last name has been so much easier to spell and pronounce. However, people are surprised when they meet me in person because they are expecting someone Caucasian and I am Latina. Sigh...

  4. #14
    Platinum Member journeynow's Avatar
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    He added my last name as a middle name, and I added his as a last, and we gave our kids those same middle and last. In other words we all have the same middle and last name. I felt no need to change it after we divorced and neither did he. I liked that we, as a family unit, had the same names. It feels like a powerful message, like we are in this together. I would have felt like the "odd man out" if we had kept different last names. Since our kids are boys, I was already the odd man out at times, being the only female. Names are symbolic, they aren't who we really are, but they help connect us and identify us.

    Would your husband-to-be be willing to add your name to his so you both make a change in name, sharing that connection (and both "sacrifice" a bit of your old identity in order to create anew)?

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  6. #15
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    I was very lucky. My husband and I had the same last name. Our birth last names are exactly the same . ( no we are not related at all )

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I was very lucky. My husband and I had the same last name. Our birth last names are exactly the same . ( no we are not related at all )
    I know of a few other examples of that. Was it really cool when you met and realized that?

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I know of a few other examples of that. Was it really cool when you met and realized that?
    The day we met I asked his last name and he told me. I laughed and said no .... me too!!! His grandmother also married a man with the same last name as her. ( which is our last name as well)

  9. #18
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    Thanks for your stories everyone! :) It's good to read over them.

    My mind might change closer to the time, but for now I'm stuck on wanting to keep my surname. The main thing I think will make me change my mind is that I would want to have the same name as our kids (hopefully we'll have some).

    I asked my mom too what she thought and how she felt when she got married. She kept her name for a little while and had my dad's surname after it. Not double barreled, just there. But she dropped her maiden name after a while because it was easier, rather than signing different names to different things.

    It's interesting to hear too what it's like in different cultures :) Thanks again for sharing!

  10. #19
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    Traditionally the child takes the father's name, in my experience, though there are some cultures where the child takes both names. Anything can go, I guess. When I got married, I added my husband's name and kept my own, no hyphen (I had no idea the legalities around a hyphen). My husband wasn't happy about this, and I told him if it's that important that someone changes their name, he can change his...no? You don't want to do that? Neither do I. Get over it. :) So I kept mine, took on his, and largely during our marriage just identified as first name, married last name, and now that I'm divorced, I typically identify with only my maiden name, but on documents and such, obviously both. My middle name got reduced to an initial on the SS card.

    The children took his name. It didn't occur to me to do differently, it's just how it's done.

    My name matches theirs because I did add my husband's name. After the divorce, I kept it. It's just easier if your name matches your children's, IMO. My mother had to prove her parenthood on a few occasions due to the non-matching names after she dropped it in the divorce. I don't know how problematic this is anymore in this day and age where couples don't necessarily get married and with single parenthood, but I didn't want extra hassle and didn't want the "experiment." At some point I will drop my married name, and it doesn't bother me in the slightest that my name wouldn't match theirs. If I could go back in time, I might consider using both names, however. We don't have any boys left in the line to carry the paternal family name on my family branch. I don't know if it would do any good though, as I don't know what the grandchildren would ultimately be called. :)

  11. #20
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    Little update to anyone who might find this board :) The wedding happened August this year and I have decided to take his name in the end. I still use my maiden name is some areas (such as work) but I can see this changing over time to my new surname. I thought I would mind more, but the closer it got it didn't bother me that much anymore.

    I've heard of issues with mothers travelling with their children when their names don't match. It's a bit old fashioned in my opinion that the mother needs proof, but since his family live in another country, if I ever want to visit them with any future kiddos by myself, I'd rather not have any issues!

    I have his name on paper, but I'm still my maiden name in my heart

    Thanks again for all the replies everyone! :)

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