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2 months ago, I travelled to the Middle East alone for a weeks break from work.

 

I am a 30 year old female.

 

On my very first day, I start chatting to a group of guys and INSTANTLY connect with one.

 

We spent the whole week together and we had the most amazing time. He never once felt unfamiliar. We connected on so many levels: conversationally, intimately, emotionally, intellectually. I've never felt a connection as strong as this.

 

I fell in love with him. It took 6 days.

 

I came back home and we spoke every day. Calls, texts, FaceTime. At every opportunity, we were on the phone in some way.

 

I had to go back. So I did. I flew back out to see him for a weekend. I was really nervous but as soon as I saw him, I just felt it all over again. It wasn't just a holiday romance. It was real. That's why I went back. To make sure.

 

I told him that I was in love with him and he told me that he felt the same.

 

However, this situation is far from easy. He is on deployment in the Middle East with the military. He also has a fiancé at home. His relationship at home died a long time ago. They don't make plans to see each other. She stopped wearing her ring. I believe she may have been unfaithful throughout their relationship. I clearly see a broken man when he talks about it. It seems done.

 

But he won't end it. He doesn't know when he'll be home and he feels helpless right now. I can tell it's really stressing him out.

 

Just to make this even more difficult. He is American and I am British. So he will go home to the states and I am here. We won't see each other for a while.

 

I am completely in love with him. Head. Over. Heels.

 

But this situation is killing me and I don't know what to do.

 

Should I give him an ultimatum? Or be patient and wait to see what happens in the future?

 

My heart is impatient but I'm trying my best to challenge that and just let it play out exactly as it's meant to.

 

But every day, I'm beside myself.

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You talk about all of this as if it's something out of your control. You chose to hook up with someone who was not available. You chose to develop feelings for him despite the fact that he was engaged. He is cheating and that makes you a willing accomplice.

 

You do not know for a fact that she doesn't wear her ring and I am not sure how it's up to you to suggest that she's been even unfaithful. Do you have any proof of any of this? This is likely a line of bull to keep you hooked while he takes his time between the two of you.

 

If he's a broken man as you say, then he's still in love with her. That makes you a distraction.

 

You live in different countries and he'll go home to her. Whether or not they work things out remains to be seen.

 

But you chose to take all these risks and when you live on the edge, you'll feel `beside yourself'

You can't make all these bad choices and complain about how uncomfortable it is at the same time.

 

What would your ultimatum be anyway? Do you think either of you will leave your country for this?

If you can't wait to see how this plays out, then put this to rest and give him an ultimatum.

 

In the future, chose to date closer to home and choose to date men who don't have fiancé's.

That way you'll avoid all the anxiety about which one he will ultimately choose.

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Look sweety there's few things as off putting as a cowardly grown arsed man who'll gladly settle with not factually being with anyone as long as he can lull his immature self into a reverie where both you, and his (NOT)ex and anyone who gives him the light of day are simoultaneously there. And both you women stoically turned his regressive dream into reality by going along with it.

 

Nobody can ever get a good new thing by holding yesterday's rotting leftovers. Don't be like him, leave this nonsense behind you and aim higher next time.

 

If you think you're emotionally unable to unhook yourself, consider this will ultimately culminate in something that even at your most blindly infatuated you organically cannot stomach, and *poof* you'll want anything but him.

Hopefully you won't wait and continue trying to build tolerance - if you're bothered now, you'll be physically sickened as it continues.

 

He's taking you for an idiot.

 

Leave him to his unsatisfying wife to be, and let him enjoy love as he sees it. You aren't on this world to settle for that misery.

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Well, I hate to say this, but what you've written is exactly what an American guy who is cheating on a wife or girlfriend back home would say and who is just leading you on. If you can separate your emotions out of it, you would see this too. And the fact that he has told you flat out that he's not leaving his girlfriend should tell you where you stand in this "relationship." Additionally, you're in the "honeymoon" phase of dating. You're both on your best behavior, and you won't see this guy's bad points until you're over this period. And it sounds like you may be reaching that point if, as you said "I can tell it's really stressing him out."

 

This guy is a taken guy and you're going to get hurt. I would tell you to break off contact with this guy and move on. You'll save yourself the big breakup argument and the heartache that's coming if you try to give him the "her or me" ultimatum. Face the fact that you had a fantasy affair and now it's time to face reality.

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In my defence, I did not know this person was in a relationship right away. I didn't set about myself to fall in love with a man in this position.

 

I think your responses mostly are really negative. The situation is definitely far from ideal, I get that, but no one really gives him the benefit of the doubt?

 

What if, actually, he is going to end the relationship when he returns to the US and is waiting to do it face to face? While I'm not being stupidly optimistic here, I do try to be realistic and sometimes people are actually good. Perhaps that's the only way he knows how to deal with this situation?

 

Rather than call her up and break up with her on the phone while he's away.

 

I'm just trying to look at this from a few angles here.

 

You don't need to know someone inside out to feel love for them. So then, if we both feel love, what should we do?

 

People meet someone special when they're already in a relationship all the time. Why'd you all have to jump on the man/woman hating wagon so quick?

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I think your responses mostly are really negative. The situation is definitely far from ideal, I get that, but no one really gives him the benefit of the doubt?

 

That's because the situation is very negative. Why should an adult man get the benefit of the doubt when he is clearly two-timing his fiance? Don't fall prey to the very common cheater's gimmick that sets the other woman (you) up against the cheater's wife/fiance/girlfriend. This is not a competition; it's three people's lives. He doesn't seem to care if he makes a mess of his life, your life, or his fiance's life. Some people simply don't care about that stuff. Do you care?

 

Perhaps that's the only way he knows how to deal with this situation?

 

What I'm reading here is, He can't help it. He's incapable of dealing with life matters. Do you really want to take care of a man and show him the difference between right and wrong?

 

So then, if we both feel love, what should we do?

 

Calm your hormones and think critically about this.

 

People meet someone special when they're already in a relationship all the time. Why'd you all have to jump on the man/woman hating wagon so quick?

 

People who value their relationships do not allow themselves to become involved with other people. They have a sense of responsibility, and they do not permit the "it just happened" BS to dope them into cheating. You are involved with a man that does not value relationships. It has nothing to do with his fiance, nothing to do with you, and nothing to do with who is the better woman. It has to do with him and his values.

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You don't need to know someone inside out to feel love for them. So then, if we both feel love, what should we do?

 

People meet someone special when they're already in a relationship all the time. Why'd you all have to jump on the man/woman hating wagon so quick?

 

OK, so you are ignoring some reasonable and reasoned commentary regarding your own best interests and what this man is doing with you.

 

The question is, why?

 

There are no new angles at how to look at this.

 

You are infatuated with a man that yo are convinced is your true love. Despite he cheating on his fiance back home in America, you live in the UK, and you have only met for two short periods of time.

 

I'm sorry you feel as though since you didn't intend to link up with a guy in a committed relationship--that that matters even if he did not come to the party with that same attitude.

 

Look down the road. Let's presume that there is "something" there for you and he.

 

You will have to take the word of a liar and a cheat. And one of you will have to give up a life and move to be in the other's life. What will you do? Especially if you are the one to uproot yourself and then find the leopard has not changed his spots?

 

Don't settle for being a convenient plaything.

 

On holiday you had some fun that your infatuation is telling you is something more than that.

 

Take a deep breath and think logically about it.

 

The answer will grow clearer by staying away from him, no contact.

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I can see you choosing to go forward with this, uprooting your life to be with him, then being completely shocked when he either doesn't break up with his fiancee OR he cheats on you with someone else because the poor guy just didn't know how to end things with you.

 

There must be some great men in the UK who aren't engaged lying cheaters.

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So he contacted me last week and told me that he was very stressed with the situation and being in the Middle East and not being able to do anything is very difficult.

 

He needs to "work out what is the right thing" in his life at the moment and that we should go our separate ways for now.

 

I was really upset but understood that the situation was also not healthy for anyone involved and know deep down it is the best thing.

 

I guess I will just wait and see if he contacts me.

 

What do you think about his girlfriend? Should I tell her? I've hovered over the send message button on Facebook a few times but didn't since it's pretty selfish.

 

I do try to put myself in her shoes and often find myself thinking that I would want to know, if I were her .....

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Well you didn't leave him when you found out he was engaged, instead, you hoped, and still do, that he would choose you over her

 

So don't fall into the ego trap of portraying contacting her as doing her a favor

 

Can you leave someone you're not with? Physically or emotionally?

 

I told him I didn't want to continue after I found out but he continued to say that his relationship was "pretty much over" and he's just waiting to get home as he can't do it while he's away.

 

I know my main motivation is because I am hurt and it isn't me doing her a favour. But she should know ....

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It’s not that he can’t break it off he won’t. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If he truly saw potential with you he would have stayed loyal to his fiancée and not hooked up with you until they were over. That way he would have made surectourcrelationship was appropriate and free of the baggage that comes from cheating. Are you really going to ever trust him especially in a long distance arrangement since he so easily cheated on his fiancée with you? No I don’t think cheaters get the benefit of the doubt in the way you are saying. Certainly his fiancée could choose to do that if he returned to her and they worked on their relationship but he is someone you’ve been in person with a very short time and on that very short time he’s shown you that he doesn’t honor his commitments. So - no - no benefit of the doubt. I bet he’s actually married.

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yes, you can stop engaging with them completely, even if, or moreso, if they are selling you BS.

 

when people are in relationships with emotionally and physically distant people, unfulfilling ones, as you describe theirs, they know it. i highly doubt she's oblivious to his lack of commitment, and its implications.

 

i think rejecting this ungrateful persona and position he has offered you by leaving it behind and pursuing better things for yourself would help your feelings more.

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It’s not that he can’t break it off he won’t. People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If he truly saw potential with you he would have stayed loyal to his fiancée and not hooked up with you until they were over. That way he would have made surectourcrelationship was appropriate and free of the baggage that comes from cheating. Are you really going to ever trust him especially in a long distance arrangement since he so easily cheated on his fiancée with you? No I don’t think cheaters get the benefit of the doubt in the way you are saying. Certainly his fiancée could choose to do that if he returned to her and they worked on their relationship but he is someone you’ve been in person with a very short time and on that very short time he’s shown you that he doesn’t honor his commitments. So - no - no benefit of the doubt. I bet he’s actually married.

 

 

I totally appreciate what you're saying and agree on some points.

 

But you are crediting him with the rationale that seldom ever controls ones decision making when they meet someone they desire.

 

Human emotions are powerful. Perhaps sometimes more powerful than their ability to control them and think rationally in the moment.

 

I've done plenty of things impulsively that later, were in hindsight, very bad decisions. This is probably one of them.

 

It's a scientific fact that when a person experiences strong feelings of desire or lust, that the executive part of the brain (in this case, decision making) just completely shut down. That's why so many people commit infidelity

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I totally appreciate what you're saying and agree on some points.

 

But you are crediting him with the rationale that seldom ever controls ones decision making when they meet someone they desire.

 

Human emotions are powerful. Perhaps sometimes more powerful than their ability to control them and think rationally in the moment.

 

I've done plenty of things impulsively that later, were in hindsight, very bad decisions. This is probably one of them.

 

It's a scientific fact that when a person experiences strong feelings of desire or lust, that the executive part of the brain (in this case, decision making) just completely shut down. That's why so many people commit infidelity

I disagree. When you commit it’s not “unless I feel a strong emotion”. You commit to choosing not to act on emotions of attraction by cheating. We as humans have the ability to control our actions of not our feelings (well there is some “control” over certain feelings if you do certain work on jet but talking solely about reactions to feelings). When I took my wedding vows and when we got engaged it wasn’t “unless we meet someone who lnocks our socks off and we can’t help but get naked and cheat”. At least that’s not the vows we took or anyone I know took. And when I’ve agreed to exclusively date someone or get engaged it’s the same thing other than not in front of a marriage officiant.

 

So I give humans far more credit than you do to choose their reactions to feelings. So is it ok if your future husband throws you across the room because he felt so angry at that moment that he couldn’t help but act not by throwing you across the room? Ok if he does that to his children ? Or what if the guy you just hooked up with feels that way about some 30 year old woman who crosses his path - then it’s ok for him to have sex with her because of how powerful his emotions are? Certainly if you truly believe that then perhaps you’ll find someone who wants an open relationship where it’s ok to act impulsively with the excuse of “my strong emotions of desire/anger overtook me. “.

 

That’s fine in your personal relationships as long as no one else is being hurt. And as long as this guy is free to have sex work anyone else he has a strong desire for given your standards and view of human choices.

 

People commit infidelity because they choose to react to their emotions by getting naked. If no one could control their reactions as you claim there would be no reason for wedding vows. Temptation is all around us daily. It’s your choice whether to act on it. If you are a person who has a disability that doesn’t allow you (the general you) to choose a reaction then that person likely wouldn’t be fit for marriage or for any similar standards that require a typical human choice of reactions.

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2 months ago, I travelled to the Middle East alone for a weeks break from work.

 

I am a 30 year old female.

 

On my very first day, I start chatting to a group of guys and INSTANTLY connect with one.

 

We spent the whole week together and we had the most amazing time. He never once felt unfamiliar. We connected on so many levels: conversationally, intimately, emotionally, intellectually. I've never felt a connection as strong as this.

 

I fell in love with him. It took 6 days.

 

I came back home and we spoke every day. Calls, texts, FaceTime. At every opportunity, we were on the phone in some way.

 

I had to go back. So I did. I flew back out to see him for a weekend. I was really nervous but as soon as I saw him, I just felt it all over again. It wasn't just a holiday romance. It was real. That's why I went back. To make sure.

 

I told him that I was in love with him and he told me that he felt the same.

 

However, this situation is far from easy. He is on deployment in the Middle East with the military. He also has a fiancé at home. His relationship at home died a long time ago. They don't make plans to see each other. She stopped wearing her ring. I believe she may have been unfaithful throughout their relationship. I clearly see a broken man when he talks about it. It seems done.

 

But he won't end it. He doesn't know when he'll be home and he feels helpless right now. I can tell it's really stressing him out.

 

Just to make this even more difficult. He is American and I am British. So he will go home to the states and I am here. We won't see each other for a while.

 

I am completely in love with him. Head. Over. Heels.

 

But this situation is killing me and I don't know what to do.

 

Should I give him an ultimatum? Or be patient and wait to see what happens in the future?

 

My heart is impatient but I'm trying my best to challenge that and just let it play out exactly as it's meant to.

 

But every day, I'm beside myself.

 

He does not know when he will be going home?

OK... Enlightenment here from a guy that spent two tours in the sand... Iraq and Afghanistan...

Yes. We, do know when we are going home... As a matter of fact, he probably has the date written down somewhere on a calendar... We exactly know that....He is just not telling you, or giving you a BS story about it...

Just my 2 cents....

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He does not know when he will be going home?

OK... Enlightenment here from a guy that spent two tours in the sand... Iraq and Afghanistan...

Yes. We, do know when we are going home... As a matter of fact, he probably has the date written down somewhere on a calendar... We exactly know that....He is just not telling you, or giving you a BS story about it...

Just my 2 cents....

 

Interesting! This is the same for US Navy deployment?!

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Interesting! This is the same for US Navy deployment?!

 

Yes.

All American military has a set time on a deployment...

Sometimes the date may shift a day or two to the right or to the left...

But the policy is pretty much a 6 month deployment, a 8 month deployment or a 1 year deployment... It never goes over a year... (Not allowed by regulation)...

By him telling you that he has no clue when he will be home?... That is a lie... He has a clue... Very much so... Already on the calendar, and probably his family at home and his fiancé knows when he will be home... He is just making sure you don't end up showing up in the states looking for him...

I started my career in the US Navy... We deployed on a Carrier for 6 months around the world...

We often pulled into Australia for some R+R and I saw many of my married friends hook up with Australian women...

Then we got home and on the pier was the wife and kids and the Australian GF waiting... Imagine that cluster bong...lol...

I was young and not married, no GF and I am glad that I did not have anyone...

Seems that he is doing something similar....

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Sorry to hear this. There may have been an instant spark, but he's engaged and lonely in his deployment so the opportunity for no-strings sex was a real boost for him. Telling his fiance, will make you look like a fling who feels scorned. He will deny it and claim you are a fatal attraction case, one nigher, etc.. Keep in mind sex with you a few times does not even come close to what he has with his fiance back home.

He needs to "work out what is the right thing" in his life at the moment and that we should go our separate ways for now.

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Sorry to hear this. There may have been an instant spark, but he's engaged and lonely in his deployment so the opportunity for no-strings sex was a real boost for him. Telling his fiance, will make you look like a fling who feels scorned. He will deny it and claim you are a fatal attraction case, one nigher, etc.. Keep in mind sex with you a few times does not even come close to what he has with his fiance back home.

 

He won't be able to deny it. I have photos of us hiking together, going for dinner and countless messages from him about how he feels and what he hopes will happen.

 

Also, booking/paying for my flight to go back out there is quite significantly more serious than "no strings sex", surely?

 

He could no strings sex with anyone.

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