Finally decided to end communication with my brother

Hey everybody, hope you all are doing well. I don't know that I'm necessarily looking for advice, maybe just support or confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

In my last post, I told you all a little about what's going on with my brother. Got married on a whim, stationed in Alaska (army), wife and three kids who've been in Ohio for the better part of the last 2 years, 2 affairs, rarely calls his kids...around November, he asked for a divorce. Via text message. Wife agreed to do a dissolution until his child support checks started bouncing 2 months later and she found out he had a live-in girlfriend (who he swore up and down to me, was just a friend) whom he added to his bank account. Now she's pursuing divorce. They've never even had a conversation about this, all done via text/mail.

Where I come in: He's supposedly leaving the military and coming home this summer. This girl he's living with, is married to someone else. Got married about 5 months before leaving her husband to move in with my brother, added to his bank account the day she moved in. My brother is still married as well, and has seen his kids only for 2 weeks in the last year, and again, doesn't ever call them.

I found out he's seriously considering bringing this girl back with him this summer to live in my parents basement until they can find/afford a house. And after a 2 year custody battle when his oldest was born (that my parents paid for), he's now signed full custody back over to his wife. I'm disgusted. Marriage clearly means nothing to either of them (brother and new girlfriend), being a father clearly isn't his priority, and he's so selfish and ungrateful and I'm just done. Everytime I learn more about his life, i just get so angry. We weren't raised like this. This is trashy, messy, and I just feel for his kids. I love them, they're great kids, and they deserve better. So I've decided that I just need him to not be in my life for awhile. All I ever feel toward him is anger and disappointment. I didn't understand how hard it is to make that decision, and how much second guessing would follow. I will always be there for my nephews, and I have a great relationship with their mom now, but I want nothing to do with him anymore. I'm willing to revisit once I see that he's grown up, but that's a year or more down the road.

This keeps me up at night. We were a close family. I just grew up and he never had to, so he didnt. How do you make peace with a decision like this....

Just because you are related, doesn't mean you have to be in each others business. Distancing yourself in this case is healthy for the both of you. The alternative will be constant fighting and growing resentments, which will wreck your family relationships even worse and extend to your parents and more distant family. I wouldn't look at this as totally cutting your brother out of your life so much as simply giving yourself a healthy amount of space and only dealing with him in small chunks that you can handle without losing your mind. If you look at it from that perspective, then you have nothing to lose sleep over because you are doing what's actually good all around.

You made the right decision.

Those poor kids.

Wow. What a sad and terrible story. And the worst part is your parents enabling him in his antics. Actually bringing his married girlfriend home to live in the basement? For the sake of their daughter-in-law and grand kids, they should shun him. You shouldn't lose sleep over disowning him. He deserves it.

DancingFool, you're 100% right. My parents are angry at me for doing this, but at the end of the day, it would've just kept getting worse. Thank you for that perspective.

HollyJ: Thank you for the reassurance. It's helpful to know I'm not being overly judgemental in a society that seems to allow anything these days..

DanZee: I feel that way too, if my son treated women like this and was such a lazy father, I'd light him up for it. I can't make my parents address this though, and they've been nothing but wonderful to me, so I try to suppress those feelings. I don't want to ruin my relationship with them as well, but I do feel they should've said something to him about all this. Maybe they did, idk.

Indea,

Your parents have a different position than yours. They are his parents, you are not.

Give your best to your brother’s kids, they will need it.

My 2 cents: I agree with Seraphim....give those kids everything you can. They deserve to have another adult that proves they are loved and cared for.

Unfortunately your brother is not going to see the error of his selfish ways for a while, if ever which is unfortunate.

I learned a long time ago that for my own mental health it is best to distance one's self from toxic people, whether they are blood relatives or not.

I will keep you in my thoughts...

Thank you all so much. It helps immensely just to hear that others can understand and agree with my decision. Hopefully eventually, my close family will be able to set their emotions aside for just a second to understand this is what I needed to do for now.

You guys are truly wonderful. :)

But why are you involving your family in this at all? Distancing yourself from your brother is kind of a private decision and you just do it? Literally reduce all communication and that's that. You don't need to be putting your parents in the middle of this or telling them that you are cutting him out, because that's kind of dramatic and of course they won't respond well to that. Who would?

My brother took a screen shot of our conversation and sent it to my parents in a group text. My dad responded saying that "this needs to stop, it's not good for our family." That's when I told them I'm done interacting with him and will revisit when I see changes. They werent invloved until then, and have been relatively cold/distant since. I worry that they will try to force our (my brother and I) relationship once he's home, but I will cross that bridge if/when I come to it. I hope they will just respect my decision and this will be the end of it.

I cut my brother out of my life for completely different reasons than you have. So I understand what it feels like to feel the need to remove a sibling from your life. Your parents should respect your decision to not have anything to do with your brother, whether or not they approve of it. Your feelings are your feelings.

Stay in contact with the kids and their mom. Dont let anyone pressure you to associate with your brother if you dont want to. Being a relative doesnt mean you have to like them.

My brother took a screen shot of our conversation and sent it to my parents in a group text. My dad responded saying that "this needs to stop, it's not good for our family." That's when I told them I'm done interacting with him and will revisit when I see changes. They werent invloved until then, and have been relatively cold/distant since. I worry that they will try to force our (my brother and I) relationship once he's home, but I will cross that bridge if/when I come to it. I hope they will just respect my decision and this will be the end of it.

Oh....geez....lol....so he basically ran to mommy and daddy and told on you like a kid and your parents kind of responded accordingly. I know it's not funny to you, but...it kind of is. Honestly, you'll just have to be the only adult here and stick to your guns. Politely explain to your parents what you are doing and why and keep reiterating it until they get it. Don't let them get under your skin about this.

Now that you guys have confirmed that you also think my decision is reasonable, I think I will feel much stronger in maintaining my stance in all this. I already feel much less conflicted over it. I don't like to emotionally react to things, I prefer to be more logical, so when something like this affects me, it just helps for someone to reassure me that my emotions haven't completely taken over and this still makes logical sense. Almost like I need permission to feel the way I feel, which is something I'm trying to improve upon.

What do your folks say about his behavior?

The kids are lucky to have you!

Isn't adultery illegal in the military?

My parents, unfortunately, don't talk about his behavior with me, so I have no idea what they've said to him, if anything. I've approached my dad several times hoping he would be able to explain a point of view that I haven't considered (he's usually good about doing that) and help me understand my brother's actions, but he knows my opinion and just refuses to discuss. I cannot fathom, at all, what has possibly happened or has been said that would make them okay with all of this. These are upper middle class, better get straight As, always do the right thing kind of people, so I'm stumped. I don't even know if they've agreed to let him bring the girl to stay there or not. The only way I can see them agreeing to that is if she's pregnant. Sweet Jesus I hope that's not the case...

And boltnrun, yes, if his staff sargent found out, he'd be in huge trouble. Lucky for him, his wife needs no revenge and just wants to be free of him so she hasn't said anything. I warned him SO MANY TIMES to keep his nose clean until the divorce is final. At this point, whatever happens to him is his own problem, nothing but a product of his own decisions.

Wow! I can imagine your confusion.

There are some parents out there who will stand beside their children no matter what they do.

I know what your brother is doing is not on this level, but I saw a press conference with a mother after her son hit and killed a child because he got impatient and drove through a crosswalk at a school, then drove away and hid. She said "He just left because he was SCARED! And you all want to crucify him!" No compassion for the dead child or the dead child's parents. Because that was her son and she was going to say he was right no matter what he did.

It's not easy...I've told my children that I love them, but there are some things that I would call the police on them myself if they did, including murder, assault or providing drugs to school children. I love them but I know they are not perfect. I've had to have stern talks with them at times and I've taken another party's "side" when they've screwed up. But it's not easy, especially when my stern talk has resulted in tears in one of my kids' eyes. But still, there's right and wrong and they needed to learn that lesson.

It's unfortunate, but it seems your parents have decided to back your brother no matter what he's done. You can't do anything to change that. You can just decide to surround yourself with people who have a good moral compass and if your brother is not one of them, so be it. It's a shame, but there it is.

Now that you guys have confirmed that you also think my decision is reasonable, I think I will feel much stronger in maintaining my stance in all this.

Your decision is not only reasonable, it's necessary. For your own sanity and peace of mind, this person does not belong in your life at this time. Blood relative or not, this is not the type of human being who deserves your brain space.

Sure, be there for his kids, and for his poor soon-to-be ex-wife, but him? I'd delete the S.O.B. from my phone.

Will he one day wake up and be the doting, loving partner to his new girl? Not likely. Leopards & spots & all.

I am so very sorry that this is who he is. You've done all you can do.

No matter how flawed and messed up, he is their child and that will never change. Some parents can do the tough love thing, but the absolute majority simply cannot when push comes to shove. Life in general just isn't so black and white.

What you should brace for is that they will probably spend a lot of time, effort, and resources trying to prop him up and fix him. It may feel to you like they care more about him more than you at some point, but don't let that get into your head. The thing is that you are the child who turned out OK and he is the child who is far from that and trying to help the messed up one is every parent's instinct. They may try to rope you into helping him too. It's another those bridges you'll have to cross when you get to it.

For the time being, I would just back off and let things calm down. Realize that from your parents' perspective, they already have their hands full of problems with him. Now on top of those issues you and him appear to be feuding and it's all just too much for them. From their stance, now their good child is acting up too......

That's very true, DancingFool.

I was the "good kid" in my family, but my brother was the one who was placed on the pedestal and referred to as "my number one" by our mother even though he was the one with arrests and DUIs. And if I ever spoke against him, boy did I get the wrath from Mom! She called me some pretty awful names because she felt I should just shut up and stay out of everything even when it affected me.

Sometimes it is best to just distance yourself entirely for a while.

Indea, do you live with your parents?

My dad responded saying that "this needs to stop, it's not good for our family."

And doesn't your dad see that "our family" includes your brother's children? What a heartbreaking situation. Hugs to you, idea08.

Thank you all for all the support. DancingFool, I feel you've been through something similar, as your advice is excellent. I will try not to add insult to their injury. As long as they leave me alone about my decision, I will not do anything to make this harder for them.

Boltnrun, heck no I don't live there. If I did, and all this was going on, I'd be WAY more beligerant about being forced into this situation. It still sucks that I won't be able to go over and hangout with my parents without him there, or just let my daughter go spend the night there whenever with no worries. This will just make a lot of things uncomfortable that I really enjoyed and took for granted before. I'm praying he doesn't bring her.

This keeps me up at night. We were a close family. I just grew up and he never had to, so he didnt. How do you make peace with a decision like this....

I would consider what, exactly, I'm trying to accomplish. Then figure out how boycotting brother would bring you any closer to reaching that goal.

If the goal is to communicate your displeasure to brother, figure out what that buys you--or anyone.

If the goal is to be supportive of brother's children, then figure out how boycotting him might deprive you of sharing his company with his kids in the future should he reestablish a relationship with them.

The girlfriend is irrelevant beyond SIL's lawyer establishing her fair share of assets. Either brother's relationship with GF will work out, or it won't, but that's not your job to prescribe.

Figure out where you'll want to spend your holidays going forward if you ostracize yourself from your family household, and what you or anyone else will gain from that.

I'd just keep my mouth shut and tell parents that I love them, I respect their choices, but I don't want to hear a single complaint about brother. If they have anything constructive that they can use your help for, you'll be glad to contribute, but beyond that, your goal is harmony, and listening to gossip about brother doesn't accomplish that.

Head high, and keep your eyes on your own paper.

I agree with catfeeder.

You cannot change your parent's opinion, nor can you force your brother to behave like an adult. But you can control how you react to it all. I would also aim for harmony.