Listen Up, 'Cause I'm Not Joking ...

Hi.

I was once a regular contributor here. I originally joined in 2009. I've posted thousands of times, I think, just not lately. Look me up, I dare you.

Like lots of people here, I had a broken relationship when I joined. But unlike most, mine was truly long term: 19 years. You read right. And you don't just walk away from something like that (I don't anyway), and I spent a lot of time and effort and energy trying to mend what was broken. No regrets.

This is the post that everyone here wants to write one day. Indulge me.

Here's the short version: You're gonna survive. You're gonna get stronger every day. You're gonna be a better person for what you're going through right now. But here's what no one may be telling you: You may one day recognize that your breakup may have been the best thing that ever happened to you. You're still reading right. Best. Thing. Ever.

I tried. I swear I tried. But feelings change. Your perspectives change. What once dominated your thoughts (what may dominate your thoughts right now) marginalizes over time. Getting your ex back may seem like the focus of your life today, but that's not gonna last. I'm not right about everything, but I am right about this.

So what happened to me? After several years of occasional contact with my ex (and one near-hookup), she and I fell out of circulation entirely. I haven't seen or spoken to Carrie (that's her name, 'cause what's the big secret?) in more than five years. Do I wish I could have a drink with her now? Sure, why not? I'm not a bitter person, and it'd be fascinating to see how she is today and how she's grown. But that's it. I've always hated to use clichés, but we've "moved on." I'm a better person, and I hope she is too.

It's been nine years since we split. What did I do all that time? Nothing special. I did all the things you read about here; those ideas are correct. I finished my master's degree, I focused on my life, purely for me, and I simply pulled my act together. Most significantly, I went from being fitness conscious to an absolute gym rat. Fitness is my center of gravity these days. I cross-train, and my regimen includes group classes, classes that happen to attract more than 90 percent women. Do you see where this is going?

Enter Marie. I met her more than two years ago, and -- odd as this may sound -- she became my Sunday weightlifting partner. (We do chest lifts on Sundays, and that requires a partner/spotter to do right.) Just exercise partners. Just friends. That became friends to die for. Two years. And we totally fell in love with one another. Nobody planned any of that. "Stuff" really does happen. Sometimes that stuff is awesome.

Had I never split with Carrie, would I have ever met Marie? Would I ever have been in that exercise class on those Sundays when I got to know her? Very unlikely. But, dear god, she has changed my life. I haven't been in love with anyone in a long time, and it is an exhilarating feeling. Marie is an amazing person, so "right" for me that I question how it's even possible, how she could even exist. (And I hate to say this, and I hate delving into pointless comparisons, but she's a person of far better character than my ex. Every bit as beautiful too.)

But here's what I am not telling you:

• "Exes never get back together." Nonsense. People split up and reunite all the time. I have two friends who are married (with children, no less) to women with whom they had been split for long periods when they were dating. Reconciliation happens; it's not right for everyone -- I know now it wasn't right for me -- but it happens. It may not be right for you either, but no one here knows, not even you. Time will reveal everything.

• "Everything happens for a reason." More nonsense. Life is entropic. It's a perpetual web of random events. Everything happens because it happens. So let it. There's something good in there for you, one way or another, if you're prepared: Success is where opportunity and preparation cross paths.

Don't be thinking your ex is "The One." There is no "One." It's a big, complex world, and there's someone else out there (maybe several someone elses) with whom you can find mutual happiness. I found mine. And you're gonna find yours. And maybe one day you'll come back here and post a message telling me I'm right. 'Cause I am right. About this one thing.

My simple advice: Live your life. Grow personally. It's a helluva ride. It's worth it. If I could have the past nine years over, I wouldn't change a thing.

And to quote my favorite songwriter ... Don't Look Back in Anger.

~ Gary

I remember you Brownstone*

Thanks for that post. I needed a boost today.

I'm glad you are well.

Regards

Carus*

Dunno, man. Not many women would make a good bench spotter, imho. Imagine if you were doing dumbbells instead. Better chest development, but no Marie.

Just messing with you. Good post.

Dunno, man. Not many women would make a good bench spotter, imho. Imagine if you were doing dumbbells instead. Better chest development, but no Marie.

Just messing with you. Good post.

Nah, man, there you're wrong. We mix up our routine (flat, incline, decline and flies), and we swap the bar and dumbbells. She lifts to failure, just like a guy, and she's good at the dumbbell elbow spot. She is a keeper.

Wonderful post Gary.

Much appreciated. I'm glad you found your happiness!

Very insightful! Glad you are doing great. Not many people return to post about their after-life after being a regular poster on ENotalone.

Good job. Keep it up!

Really enjoyed reading this. Reminded me of a friend who was in a bad marriage, got divorced, and met her future husband in a kickboxing class. She is under 5 feet tall and he is over 6 foot. They are adorable together. I love when couples meet while doing some kind of dance or fitness thing - makes for a great story!

Bumping this thread.

I remember you so well Brownstone!!! You are a legend on here. Amazing post