When you hurt someone

Hey, Trev here. This is going to by my first and long post, any tips and help is appreciated - let me start by saying that I’ve always been the shy guy and I have enormous commitment issues, my main priority has been to confirm myself since I need to work before letting anyone in.

I talked to a girl for 2 months after a trip in LA that I met at a coffee shop through a friend this year and we had amazing chats and I liked her, at the same time I talked to other girls but it felt good having her to talk to - I didn't have any relationship thoughts since I’ve been living alone for quite some time, you meet someone and go on and it has worked well – I also have things I need to work on with myself before letting someone in and I was unsure about our future as well due to some reasons like not wanting to have kids etc. We met only 3 times but talked almost every day – we didn’t knew each other that well yet other than that we had fun chats and I started to get some feelings that I wasn’t ready for.

I'm also currently battling an ongoing depression and I abruptly had to end it - she wanted exclusivity and I wasn't ready for that, I hadn't had the guts to speak out about my insecurities .. until we had sex which was a big mistake since it was a big trust thing for her and I’ve been very pushy since I didn’t thought it was a big deal, before the sex we agreed to see eachother more - but the day after i broke down. I was scared and depressed at the same time. I felt that i promised something i couldn't keep.

I feel worthless for not realizing how I’ve hurt another person by not being clear of what I want or how i feel.

I wanted to stay in touch since I really liked her but couldn’t offer a relationship right now.. but that wasn't an option and since she already had problems trusting guys I feel more like - this wasn't a girl that was used to dating and I had started it all off with the wrong reasons. It's in the same city with some mutual friends.

I haven’t been able to forgive myself just yet and feel bad for my actions towards a really nice girl. I did everything after to say how sorry I was and explained my past and how I feel and she seemed to understand but I still feel like , it’s been almost 2 weeks now – I just couldn’t keep being unsure and stay with her for another 3-4 more months and slowly drift away i had an urge to end it after 3 months - it didn’t seem fair since she wanted a relationship and I wasn’t ready to commit yet. I’ve talked to friends and family and everyone says that I should go on and learn something from this but it’s not easy.

I have mixed feelings of guilt and that I miss talking to her - but I think that I made the best thing (but not in the best way) of ending it since it would of been harder for both the longer it went on.

I still don’t feel ready for a relationship since I want to find myself first. Has anyone gone through something similar and how did you deal with that? How can i forgive myself?

Wow. I agree, I don't think you're ready for a relationship because you jumped from simply dating a nice girl to imagining you were going to get married and have kids with her and you weren't ready for that! That's quite a leap.

I think you need to get your depression under control because you did hurt an innocent girl with your overthinking things. You probably shouldn't ask anybody else out until you straighten yourself out. Keep in mind that dating is all baby steps. You go on a date. You go on another date. You get to know the person. You never know how it all will turn out.

Wow. I agree, I don't think you're ready for a relationship because you jumped from simply dating a nice girl to imagining you were going to get married and have kids with her and you weren't ready for that! That's quite a leap.

 

I think you need to get your depression under control because you did hurt an innocent girl with your overthinking things. You probably shouldn't ask anybody else out until you straighten yourself out. Keep in mind that dating is all baby steps. You go on a date. You go on another date. You get to know the person. You never know how it all will turn out.

You're right. I think i might also been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome - i'm going to a checkup next month. A diagnose is no excuse for bad behaviour but it might explain things to myself a bit more - i never want to hurt anyone i just go in very bad depressions and hurt myself and others.

I'm just worried sick about her and I want the best for her - we left on a good note and i held in my tears (i know you should'nt stalk) but i checked after 4 days and she had deactivated her social profiles - i'm curious if this is a normal thing to do? We only dated but it has affected me in a big way - i'm finally brave enough to seek out help for my problems and I want to be able to handle my emotions better.

I would do anything to make her happy again but I guess all I can do know is to know that I did wrong and hurt someone and let her recover and not writing more. I'm just so worried how she feels - i want to be there but at the same time i can't.

its good you recognize the issues you have with yourself. try not to beat yourself up too much. there's no good time to break up with someone. it hurts. we all take chances and is hard to not let past hurts make us crazy or scared. everyone goes through it. I'm sorry to say-- you're not all that special : )

one good thing- you recognize you hurt a good girl. you have a heart. sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.

don't reach out to her. let her go. work on your own issues. in time maybe you will cross paths again.

think of it this way - if you reach out that sends a mixed signal. It sets back her healing process and yours.

work on your issues so that you don't do this again. when you work on yourself many good things happen. stay the course...

 

don't reach out to her. let her go. work on your own issues. in time maybe you will cross paths again.

 

think of it this way - if you reach out that sends a mixed signal. It sets back her healing process and yours.

This! You cannot make her happy and reaching out just to try to make things better for her is cruel. You honestly feel bad about it which is obvious. Stop beating yourself up as you did the right thing by her more than you realize.

Thanks for the replies guys - it's been a huge wake-up call. My feelings of guilt have now when I really thought it through turned to feelings - this as indeed a keeper even tho we didn't know eachother that well yet. I miss her. Now i have second thoughts about my previous messages but that was what i felt at that time, the depression distorted everything. I have grown as a person a lot when it comes to relationships and handling things.

I still feel emotionally unavailable for a relationship but i do miss her - I also know realize that i went this far due to having feeling (i never told her this) and i ended it saying i wasn't 100 sure about us to help her go through this better - i suggested a coffe 1 week after to tell my story and she was up for it but not if I was going to draw out the friend card again. At that time I wasn't emotionaly ready to get her back and invest so I suggested going NC and delete numbers.

Would it be a good idea to move on and if the feelings still persist after 1-2 months of NC should I reach out again (IF I feel like i'm ready and have handled my depression)? Or should I accept this and move on and do better at the next relationship?

If she would of messaged me after all this mess I would take her back instantly - but I don't think she has those emotions for me, and after how i've acted and what iv'e said it would take a lot for her to contact me again.

Oh - a follow up question:

She still has tinder (and me in her matches) but she has removed me from other social media (and has deactivated her facebook) - am I overthinking things? Has she perhaps deactivated facebook in order for me to not look her up? (We've never been facebook friends) but how come she still has me on tinder?

Should I let her go? What bothers me is that I never got the chance to get to know her

Don't contact her. She's blocked/deleted you from social media and maybe forgot to delete you on tinder. Was this a long distance thing? Why only 3 dates and so much chatting? It's best not to string women along for sex. Plenty of women will hook up and not want anything more. You need to be more upfront.

You can date with honesty and integrity by not being pushy about sex, making empty promises, then dumping them. This has nothing to do with finding all sorts of psychiatric and neurological problems to explain yourself. It's simple selfish behavior presenting things one way, then after you get the sex you pushed for, giving her lines about being incapable of relationships.

We met only 3 times but talked almost every day... we had sex which was a big mistake since it was a big trust thing for her and I’ve been very pushy since I didn’t thought it was a big deal, before the sex we agreed to see each other more - but the day after i broke down. I felt that i promised something i couldn't keep.

I did everything after to say how sorry I was and explained my past

Saying it to her doesn't cut it. You need to demonstrate to her, by your actions, that you are dealing with your problems.

i suggested a coffee 1 week after to tell my story and she was up for it but not if I was going to draw out the friend card again.

You are going to have to do some work to regain this woman's trust - work it sounds like you want to do for yourself, even if you don't get back together with her. She is inviting you to man-up, so get to work on yourself first.

You were talking about contacting her in 1 or 2 months. Rather than focusing on a specific time frame, focus on what you need to do to overcome your insecurity - get some professional help on this. When you have done it, and if you are ready to give her what she wants, then contact her. Don't try and string her along - it will hurt her more. Don't tell her what you are doing and expect her to wait. Just do it. If she contacts you during this process, post here again and get some more opinions

And if she still says yes to that coffee in the 4-6 months or a year that it takes you to get there, you stride in there like Ron Spiers at Foy, brimming confidence, and tell her you are ready to commit to her. Then demonstrate with more actions - one of which might need to be a geographical relocation to be near to her. And don't talk about what you have been doing to get to that point, talk to her about the future.

Why do you think you may have Aspergers syndrome? If this is the case, you should absolutely leave this woman alone whilst you come to terms with your diagnosis. Aspergers will have serious implications for your relationship abilities. What traits or symptoms have materialised for you to feel you have ASD?

I was at a doctors appointment and in my file I had records of a previous unfinished aspbergers diagnose from when I was a kid - we had a screening and he saw the symptoms, I will re-visit for a full evaluation next week.

Iv'e never said "i love you" to someone, i never had a relationship and I have insecurities. I read what you all say - and all I can do now is to ACCEPT the NC and not hurting this girl anymore, I can't take back my insecurities and my way of handling emotions - what I can do is to promise myself to lay out these insecurities beforehand and work on myself before pursuing anything serious again.

She might hate me for all reasons, she might just be sad. I can't change anything now, i love her as a person and shes kind. I will ONLY give it a chance if she decides to contact me, we both need to heal. I miss her, i haven't broken up before and my actions (in my head) was to be fully honest and stop leading on, it wasn't after 3 month the word "couple" or "where's this going" even came up. I got scared and dealt with my emotions immaturerly.

Good man Trev.

We all have to learn.

I am trying to, and it seems you are.

The learning process never stops.

I have Aspergers but I don’t have problems making a commitment to people so please don’t spread misinformation about autism. It’s a communication disorder first and foremost.

I sympathise with anyone who has depression but I don’t sympathise with pressuring a woman for sex and then telling her you don’t want to be with her. Try to get some help with your mental health. It’s not unusual for Aspies to suffer from depression because we have to try all the time to fit in. I find sertraline very useful to keep myself feeling well. Even if you do have AS it’s not an excuse for hurting people. But you should seek a diagnosis if you think you have it because it will help you understand yourself better.

To be clear here, I really liked her - still do - a part of me wanted to try to see where it was going and the other part just wanted to run, I talked to friends and family on what I should do multiple times - i fell in a huge depression mid-way, would it be better to waste another good 1-2 months and then slowly drift away due to my unresolved insecurities? I had a battle with myself - and yes, the timing was horrible. I didn't just run, i stayed in contact 2 weeks after and met up again and explained how I was feeling and offered to be her friend for now and she said she understood but don't wanted to be friends and go NC.

I didn't want this to happen - I was the weaker one in this scenario. This time she wanted and I was unsure. I must be inhuman wanting to advance when all the dates existed of making out for hours, no going out or any activities and it was 3 times. No relationship talk, we weren't there yet. And i'm not laying it all out on any diagnosis but it greatly affects my way of conveing my emotions - I have a hard time reading what people want, if someone says they want a relationship or to be exclusive i get that - but "let's see what happends" doesn't translate to that in my book.