How to proceed after the first date...

Hey everyone :)

I met someone from OLD on the weekend that I thought had potential. Date was good, he is cute, funny, and we have lots in common. He texted right after the date, and I followed up the next day with a text. Nothing from either of us yesterday.

I am trying to change my approach when it comes to dating. I tend to be a bit alpha as a female, and this has caused a few problems in my life; if I meet someone I like, I take control of the situation and make my interests known pretty much right away. The problem with this is that I often end up pursuing men that "aren't all that into me" (they respond/spend time with me because I make it easy for them) or I scare them off completely.

So I am trying to change this behavior, to let go, and to allow them to come to me.

What I am confused about, is how do I make it clear I am interested in them without being aggressive? Or should I always be letting the man be the one to show interest first, and to come to me to ask me out? Should I always assume that if they don't follow up with planning a second date right away that they probably aren't interested?

To be clear, I am not panicking here, I realize it's only been a couple of days... and I am also talking to a couple of other people so not putting my eggs in one basket. It's not even about this guy really, it's more just a general question about what to do or what others have done, cause I know what I have been doing doesn't really work lol.

Thanks everyone!

I am really old fashioned when it comes to dating. I think the guy should do the pursuing for the most part during the initial stages, if you go on a first date he should ask you when he can see you again that kind of thing and if you're interested he'll know based on your responses to invitations or just your general vibe towards him. If he's not asking to see you again, he's not interested. If you went on this great date and he goes MIA for a while that's not good because if you really like someone you would want to keep that vibe going in between dates.

I too hate the feeling of pursuing a man, I was recently in a situation where the guy would give me handshakes after the dates and I wanted things to be a little like romantic because our dates seemed like business meetings lol. I think I came on too strong and now he's distant. So I'll stick to the guy pursuing me.

It can be as simple as just letting him know at the end of the date that you had a great time and would love to do it again and then being prompt and responsive to any further contact from him.

Above aside, the I need to show him that I'm interested is very much aggressive, take charge kind of thinking.

So maybe change your perspective a little. Instead of worrying about showing him that you are interested, focus more on being interesting enough on the date that he wants to see more of you. Does that make sense?

He texted right after the date, and I followed up the next day with a text

Honestly, calling it "pursuing" or alpha in any way to simply let someone know you had a great time and would like to see them again would be like me calling the two-minute drive to Burger King a road trip.

Don't think too much. If you want to see him again, let him know.

I do neither. Pursue or wait to be pursued.

I just strive for a balance of equal interest.

You text last. It's his turn and so on.

It's ok to take risk once in a while. But I may do that once and if it still ends up landing in my court to take the lead, I'd just leave it there.

There is rarely any question if a guy is really into you. He'll let you know.

I've been told in the past that I don't give off much sign of interest, so now I make sure I do it when I am with them - so I am not wondering how to make up for electronically after the fact.

I do neither. Pursue or wait to be pursued.

I just strive for a balance of equal interest.

This. Just go with the "flow".

Here is how I made it clear:

I saw my responsibility on the date to keep up at least half of the conversation. I made good eye contact. i listened well. I was appreciative if he treated/offered to treat or did anything else that was thoughtful but without gushing. I said a sincere and heartfelt thank you after the date (because I really did appreciate the time and whatever else). If he indicated interest in seeing me again I responded with enthusiasm -again, not gushing/over the top. I never sent a thank you email (back then I had no cell phone) or message unless I also planned to ask him out on a date -to me it's the same thing basically.

Exception was if I forgot to say thank you or if something happened at the end where we were so rushed we didn't get to have a proper goodbye (like a taxi arriving early, a train arriving, etc). I never asked someone out on a date after a first meet as best as I can remember. I did ask out men on dates and I did suggest first meets (because to me a first meet is not a date in the least,not in any meaningful way). Just never did so after a first meet.

More than half of the 100 plus men I met wanted to see me again. I wanted to see more than half again (not the same half but there was overlap!!).

I remember one time -our coffee first meet lasted three hours. Intense convo, nice level of attraction. He walked me toward my home and I said I was stopping at the market first -he wanted to go shopping with me so I joked that I didn't shop on the first date - he said he would call to go out again. A few days later, no call. I asked my best guy friend (who met his wife through a dating site) if I should call. He said no. I'm glad I didn't. Of course it's surprising when that happens but it happens. I never had expectations that there would be a real first date following a first meet unless we had a time/place planned. Then my expectation was that he would follow through and show up, etc. If nothing was planned I said good night and moved on. Just neutrally. Then if he called to ask me out on a real date that was nice and I would go.

I agree with not approaching dating like an "alpha female" or like you'd approach a job you really wanted. I do think dating has changed over the last 10-15 years or so as far as men being less put off or turned off by women who initiate a lot of the early on dates. I was good at and comfortable enough asking men out. I learned back then it was not an effective way to find a long term relationship leading to marriage. Back then (meaning about 10 years ago) there was an article in a major newspaper about a woman who did all the "pursuing" and proposed. They were happy together. It was the first time ever I'd heard of a happy marriage (or committed long term relationship) where the woman did most of the asking out in the beginning. I've heard here and there anecdotally about other examples but it's rare in my experience.

Hang in there!!

What was his text and what was your follow up? More for if he planned / paid, did you send him a thank you afterward?

 

Honestly, calling it "pursuing" or alpha in any way to simply let someone know you had a great time and would like to see them again would be like me calling the two-minute drive to Burger King a road trip.

 

Don't think too much. If you want to see him again, let him know.

He initiated the meet up, and asked me if I had anything in mind... since it was St. Patty's day I wanted to avoid the bars so I suggested this amazing dessert place in his neighborhood that was open late... he was down with it, and went early to grab us a table.

We were there for probably a couple of hours chatting, lots of eye contact, we hugged hello and I gave him a hug good bye and said I had a good time... he said yes it was fun we should do it again. :) Then when we got home, I sent him a text saying I made it safely and thanked him for coming out... and he sent me one back saying he had a wonderful time.

We had a brief exchange on Sunday, initiated by me, and nothing since then.

Here is how I made it clear:

 

I saw my responsibility on the date to keep up at least half of the conversation. I made good eye contact. i listened well. I was appreciative if he treated/offered to treat or did anything else that was thoughtful but without gushing. I said a sincere and heartfelt thank you after the date (because I really did appreciate the time and whatever else). If he indicated interest in seeing me again I responded with enthusiasm -again, not gushing/over the top. I never sent a thank you email (back then I had no cell phone) or message unless I also planned to ask him out on a date -to me it's the same thing basically.

 

Exception was if I forgot to say thank you or if something happened at the end where we were so rushed we didn't get to have a proper goodbye (like a taxi arriving early, a train arriving, etc). I never asked someone out on a date after a first meet as best as I can remember. I did ask out men on dates and I did suggest first meets (because to me a first meet is not a date in the least,not in any meaningful way). Just never did so after a first meet.

 

More than half of the 100 plus men I met wanted to see me again. I wanted to see more than half again (not the same half but there was overlap!!).

 

I remember one time -our coffee first meet lasted three hours. Intense convo, nice level of attraction. He walked me toward my home and I said I was stopping at the market first -he wanted to go shopping with me so I joked that I didn't shop on the first date - he said he would call to go out again. A few days later, no call. I asked my best guy friend (who met his wife through a dating site) if I should call. He said no. I'm glad I didn't. Of course it's surprising when that happens but it happens. I never had expectations that there would be a real first date following a first meet unless we had a time/place planned. Then my expectation was that he would follow through and show up, etc. If nothing was planned I said good night and moved on. Just neutrally. Then if he called to ask me out on a real date that was nice and I would go.

 

I agree with not approaching dating like an "alpha female" or like you'd approach a job you really wanted. I do think dating has changed over the last 10-15 years or so as far as men being less put off or turned off by women who initiate a lot of the early on dates. I was good at and comfortable enough asking men out. I learned back then it was not an effective way to find a long term relationship leading to marriage. Back then (meaning about 10 years ago) there was an article in a major newspaper about a woman who did all the "pursuing" and proposed. They were happy together. It was the first time ever I'd heard of a happy marriage (or committed long term relationship) where the woman did most of the asking out in the beginning. I've heard here and there anecdotally about other examples but it's rare in my experience.

 

Hang in there!!

Good insight, thanks B :)

He initiated the meet up, and asked me if I had anything in mind... since it was St. Patty's day I wanted to avoid the bars so I suggested this amazing dessert place in his neighborhood that was open late... he was down with it, and went early to grab us a table.

 

We were there for probably a couple of hours chatting, lots of eye contact, we hugged hello and I gave him a hug good bye and said I had a good time... he said yes it was fun we should do it again. :) Then when we got home, I sent him a text saying I made it safely and thanked him for coming out... and he sent me one back saying he had a wonderful time.

 

We had a brief exchange on Sunday, initiated by me, and nothing since then.

That sounds perfect other than maybe in the future say your thank yous after the first meet in person and express your interest in seeing him again if he expresses it first. Then leave it be. No need to thank him for coming out - in fact you made it easier for him and you were thoughtful in picking a place that wouldn't be full of smilin' Irish eyes ;-).

He initiated the meet up, and asked me if I had anything in mind... since it was St. Patty's day I wanted to avoid the bars so I suggested this amazing dessert place in his neighborhood that was open late... he was down with it, and went early to grab us a table.

 

We were there for probably a couple of hours chatting, lots of eye contact, we hugged hello and I gave him a hug good bye and said I had a good time... he said yes it was fun we should do it again. :) Then when we got home, I sent him a text saying I made it safely and thanked him for coming out... and he sent me one back saying he had a wonderful time.

 

We had a brief exchange on Sunday, initiated by me, and nothing since then.

All good through the date and I am going to assume that after he expressed interest to see you again, that you did respond with some kind of a yes me too. That's more than enough to show that you are interested.

That said, there was no more need to text him that you got home OK, etc. That's already going too far and the two of you aren't in a relationship to be reporting in like that. It can also come across as you trying to get his attention, aka needy. Also, you shouldn't have initiated any exchange the next day. Sounds like this is where you go too far. This is where you should have been patient and let him take the initiative IF he is interested.

Be more patient about contact following a date. Maybe spend some time digesting the date, looking back to see if you really want another date or not. Realize that the other person needs to do the same and maybe also figure out their time, schedule, deal with other things they have going on. You've just met and the date might have been great, but you aren't at a point where you are a burning priority. IF the guy is interested, he won't forget to contact you within a day or two and arrange another date. Look to him to actually have concrete plans in mind and don't jump in with planning. Breathe.

I had the experience more than one time after a first meet and once after a fourth date where the guy asked me to call him to say I got home safely (if I was taking a taxi or public transportation). In the first meet situation I did, left him a voicemail and probably thanked him again. Never called again. Same with the fourth date (although later I googled him and learned that he'd passed away from colon cancer - and I surmised that he'd probably received the diagnosis shortly after our last date because of the timing of what was written). I do think some men are brought up to make sure the lady gets home safely even if he doesn't want to see her again . Or he is ambivalent at best.

I do neither. Pursue or wait to be pursued.

I've been told in the past that I don't give off much sign of interest, so now I make sure I do it when I am with them - so I am not wondering how to make up for electronically after the fact.

I've been told this too, which is I think why I am going to the other extreme now... I want there to be NO DOUBT whatsoever lol.... I need to find a balance somewhere in the middle.

I've been told this too, which is I think why I am going to the other extreme now... I want there to be NO DOUBT whatsoever lol.... I need to find a balance somewhere in the middle.

So I don't think you have to worry about "no doubt whatsoever" - in my personal experience what I suggested is more than sufficient. I laugh because my then extremely shy husband asked me out for lunch the first time because he said I showed interest by lightly touching his arm while we talked at an event for the company we both worked for. I had no recollection of doing that. He'd waited almost 9 months to get up the nerve to ask me out and that was the deciding factor lol. No doubt whatsoever runs the risk of seeming overeager, a turn off. For example, when I interviewed for my dream job over a year ago I had to make sure that while I showed strong interest I also didn't go overboard and come across as desperate. It's not a good look.

I don't think you play a game where you play hard to get - just show friendly, genuine interest that comes from a self-confident demeanor. Short and sweet with eye contact that is not overwhelming - "Yes I would like that very much". And yes certain men love a challenge for sure but I'm not going to suggest that because why play games.

i just like it when the guy seems interested. so if the guy is not making his presence known in my life, i just keep dating others. the dates could be far and few between but i generally don't worry about the guys that don't contact me.

well except my most recent ex. that bothers me. lol

however! aside from that!

don't get hung up too soon. you had a good time. maybe you will together again.

its a more passive approach than alpha female for sure... guys do like to chase and they do it slower than a woman would! bawahaaa...

no action is an action... it's the hardest one.

you don't have to do or be anything but yourself.

all our mom's were right.

I think if active interest is shown its fine to be passive as far as waiting to be asked out.

I agree with Dancingfool 100%.

It's not about being passive, it's giving a man space to breathe think and play his part in the experience.

You'll get the most natural and accurate read of interest this way. Both your interest levels.

I agree with Dancingfool 100%.

It's not about being passive, it's giving a man space to breathe think and play his part in the experience.

You'll get the most natural and accurate read of interest this way. Both your interest levels.

Love how this is put. I agree. I needed external guidelines because I didn’t want to get too caught up in my inevitable insecurities if I was really into someone I just met. Those insecurities were part of me but not “me”. Reminding myself to give him space to court me is what worked for me when I was looking for something potentially serious. And space to get to know me over time rather than pants eelstoosnhip I’m seeing each other too much or chatting too much in the beginning. What “felt” right too often was what felt right as a smitten kitten not as “me”. So I didn’t follow my gut completely if the guidelines cautioned against it. Sometimes my mom or sister were the best people to pull on the reins a bit!

Yes ok that makes sense! You are so right... the urgency is about me being insecure. Just breathe.