Should I walk away?

Hi everyone,

I’ll try to explain quickly a bit about myself, I’m 42 and have a little girl who is 3. My daughters father walked away during my pregnancy so I decided to go it alone and bring her up on my own with the help of my wonderful family. We have a very happy, settled life and I decided after focusing pretty much 2 years of my life to raising my daughter that it was time to start dating again.

I’ve had counselling to talk about what happened to me, and I know when I meet someone I have to take it slowly.

I met someone in November, he is French and about to turn 39. He lives in France and was over here to do a course for 3 months. Initially I was very skeptical about meeting the guy due to him not living in the UK but he had a lot of attributes I like in a man (loves the outdoors, sporty etc) so I thought I’d meet him. Things slowly developed between us, we had small blips where I became worried mainly because of my past, but he has always been supportive and reassured me. I had tried to walk away a few times mainly because I didn't want to date someone who lived in a different country and the fact we seem to have different lives, he is a typical bachelor and I'm a mother with a busy life!

We have had contact almost every day, in the past two months. He has visited the UK for a long weekend and I’ve just got back from France for a long weekend.

He told me he loved me which was unexpected and felt lovely.

But I do have some concerns regarding the relationship. Whenever we discuss anything important such as him being introduced to my daughter he pulls away and disappears for a couple of days. When he comes back to me we talk about it and almost become stronger as a couple. I always allow him the space to sort his head out. But I think it’s concerning to me how he deals with difficult issues. In a healthy relationship people should be able to communicate easily.

On our 4th date he asked me over dinner if I would have a second child. It totally caught me off guard. I said potentially I would if the relationship felt right. But I was thinking inside I’m not sure how this would work with my age, but I didn’t voice my concerns at the time as I felt it was too soon in the relationship to discuss this in depth.

Now we have spent more time together I decided to bring up my concerns on my last night with him in France so we could speak face to face. I said to him that if he wanted a child of his own then perhaps I may not be the right person for him to be with. I’m 42 and I may or may not be able to have a child. I felt it’s important we discuss it early on without investing more time together and finding out 6 months down the line when we’re more emotionally attached that we are not on the same page. Basically I want him to decide if having a child of his own is really important for him, or is just me and my daughter enough for him. For me it’s too risky starting to involve him in my family and we have no future together.

Instead of reassuring me he said he would need time to think about everything. Which I respected. However the next day I travelled home it felt very awkward between us. Initially at his flat he was still very touchy feely with me. But When we said goodbye at the airport it almost felt like friends saying goodbye. No more I loves you, or I can’t wait to see you again. It was awful!

I sent him a message to thank him for his hospitality and wish him a nice day, he replied back saying a similar thing and wishing me a lovely weekend. And that’s it, I’ve not heard from him since - that was Saturday lunchtime. We normally communicate a lot throughout the day.

So he is pulling away yet again, I know he said he needs to think about things. But the way he handles important issues just baffles me and pushes me away.

He’s gone from saying he loves me to not even caring if I got home in the snow safely and I’m pretty upset about it to the point where I feel that I want to walk away. I haven't contacted him and I won't now. From my perspective, even if he doesn't want to be with me he should be a gentleman and end it properly. Not just disappear. Which incidentally is something he said he wouldn't ever do to me as he cares too much about me. Actions are definitely not matching to words I feel.

Am I being unreasonable?

He's not on the same page as you. He might not have taken this too seriously until now but it seems he's realizing he can't give you what you are looking for.

Do you mean commitment? I'm not looking for a child, I already have one. Or do you think this is about something entirely else?

Do you mean commitment? I'm not looking for a child, I already have one. Or do you think this is about something entirely else?

I meant that I don't think he necessarily wants to be involved in your daughter's life, either. It seems reality didn't really hit him until now, but I don't get the impression that he is eager to think about integrating himself into your already-established family unit. He also lives in another country. Did he express any desire to live in the UK at some point in the future? And yes, he might indeed want to have his own baby at some point in the future too; I'm sure he's thinking about it if he already asked you that question. All of that combined doesn't bode well, unfortunately.

He isn't reassuring you because he is doubting the future together too.

And that is completely fair enough. But he knew all along about my DD, he always asked after her. Wanted to see photos. He suggested he come in April over to see me again, I said sure and that it might be nice if he met my DD. She is so young that she wouldn't understand who he was to me. Like I said he pulled away. I said it's fine if he doesn't feel ready for it, but that when I start seeing someone it's with a view long-term for them to integrate with my family. And that if that made him in anyway uncomfortable then we should walk away, he said he didn't want me to walk away and that he will be fine with meeting my DD and glad I asked him. I even said I have time off in August and HE suggested that I bring my DD to his country and we all spend time together.

It's totally crazy how he has done a 360 u turn on me, said he loved me and now not even done the decent thing and told me how he feels. He has instead just vanished.

The fact that he has vanished says it all. Maybe there were other things giving him pause, but in the end, the result is the same.

I'm sorry, OP. I know it's hurtful but it's better that you know now that he doesn't feel this is a tenable situation anymore.

Do you think it was the right time to bring up the discussion? A few friends said perhaps it's too soon. But I just felt why spend the time and energy visiting each others countries if there is no future.

I think for me maybe the red flags where there all along, and I just wanted to ignore them. The pulling away at the first sign of conflict isn't a good sign to me. So perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.

Thanks for your replies Miss Canuck, as you can see I'm feeling a bit upset by it all today.

Do you think it was the right time to bring up the discussion? A few friends said perhaps it's too soon. But I just felt why spend the time and energy visiting each others countries if there is no future.

 

I think for me maybe the red flags where there all along, and I just wanted to ignore them. The pulling away at the first sign of conflict isn't a good sign to me. So perhaps I shouldn't be surprised.

 

Thanks for your replies Miss Canuck, as you can see I'm feeling a bit upset by it all today.

I tend to agree with you on this one. I think it was worth putting out there and letting him decide if this was a realistic proposition for him.

Would you have been interested in moving to France at some point, if this had continued? Or him to the UK?

No I don't think I would move to France and beautiful as it is. I visited this weekend and it made me realise that the grass isn't greener. I actually said to him when we first began chatting that I wouldn't move so I set the expectation then. He knows it would have to be him who would have to move. He is at a complete cross roads in his life, currently he isn't working (he is very wealthy and kind of having a sabbatical at the moment) he really wants to settle down and have the family life he feels he should have at nearly 40. He seems to be concerned about what people think of him not being married or having kids. So this year it feels like he is trying to focus on achieving that, his normal job is very senior and he doesn't really have time to date. He said to me it's the first time in a long time he has felt this way about someone and I genuinely felt that was true. Which is why this all comes as a bit of a shock to me. As he was paying for everything when we were together and investing in me. ah well you win some and you lose some I guess, the odds were against us.

I think he's not a bad person, but not the man for you.

He lives abroad, seems to want his own children, shies away from serious topics. Too much working against a sustainable relationship in the long run.

But do you think it's acceptable to not at least let the person who you have spent 4 months getting to know the outcome of your decision? We spent time in each others homes, it's was more intense in a way than a normal relationship at the start! Instead I'm having to work out his decision based on his actions. That to me is disrespectful and rude and not the traits of a nice person. A simple 'I have had time to think about things and feel it's best to go our separate ways' is surely simple enough? I brought up the subject after all and realise the answer may not be the one I wanted to hear. It's just the right thing to do in my book.

Oh yes and one rather big thing I forgot to add, is that we have never spoken on the phone once! All communication in between seeing one another is done via WhatsApp. It was me who asked him when he moved back home that in order for things to work we need to talk on the phone, and he said he was worried his English wasn't good enough. I didn't want to press the subject and thought we would just naturally work up to it, but we never did. When I told my family they said that is a major red flag! Either is is hiding something or he just doesn't want to get close. So maybe this is all making more sense now...

Personally, I think it's time for you to recognize the red flags for what they are and call it a day on this. It might have been a fun fling for a few months, but it was really a nonstarter from day one in terms of anything long term or serious.

As for whether he reaches out and talks to you in a few days or just disappears....honestly, you can't control what other people do and how they choose to handle these kinds of things. Best that you drop all ideas of "I expect or he should" and just stick to what you control - how you react. In other words, when someone decides to walk away, let them go regardless of how they do it. Don't fixate on how, only the fact that they no longer want to be a part of your life. Then again, in this case, you should be deciding the same - he doesn't suit you, so on to other dates and prospects.

Thanks Dancing Fool. Do you think it best that I just leave it and if he contacts me, I then send him a message to say it's over. Or just send the message now? I know it sounds silly, but I just don't want him thinking he has affected me. I would prefer to bow out gracefully with my head held high. I'm not sure the best way to do that.

Thanks Dancing Fool. Do you think it best that I just leave it and if he contacts me, I then send him a message to say it's over. Or just send the message now? I know it sounds silly, but I just don't want him thinking he has affected me. I would prefer to bow out gracefully with my head held high. I'm not sure the best way to do that.

If he contacts you, then I would let him know that this isn't going to work for you and be clear and don't try to be friends or anything. End it cleanly. Otherwise, silence speaks for itself quite eloquently. Since he hasn't spoken with you at all, for you to suddenly fire off a break up communication into that silence would make you look at bit goofy in this case and like it has affected you more than needed.

Personally, I don't do silent treatments at all and sounds like neither do you. So just be more strict about it going forward. If a guy disappears for a few days on you, call it a day on the whole thing and don't bother with letting him come back. If you don't like that kind of behavior, refuse to tolerate it at all and send them packing. Dating is rough in that you'll have to weed through a whole lot of incompatible people before you find the right one, so try to limit how much time you waste on those wrong ones.

Thanks DancingFool. Very wise words. I've just had a a massive cry. I guess I just feel hurt that I'm not good enough. But my feeling is this goes deeper than just the issue with children. Him coming on very strong at the start, saying I love you so quickly and doing the hot/cold thing just feels more like he may have commitment issues. I know people like to accuse men of that when things don't go their way, so I'm wary of using it. But I think on this occasion is might be the case. He was engaged to a girl in his 20's and she left him for someone else. This quite possibly has affected him and he is scared of getting close to women now. Maybe I'm wrong but it feels like that.

Next time if a guy does pull away a lot then I'm going to end it earlier like you said.

Thanks DancingFool. Very wise words. I've just had a a massive cry. I guess I just feel hurt that I'm not good enough. But my feeling is this goes deeper than just the issue with children. Him coming on very strong at the start, saying I love you so quickly and doing the hot/cold thing just feels more like he may have commitment issues. I know people like to accuse men of that when things don't go their way, so I'm wary of using it. But I think on this occasion is might be the case. He was engaged to a girl in his 20's and she left him for someone else. This quite possibly has affected him and he is scared of getting close to women now. Maybe I'm wrong but it feels like that.

 

Next time if a guy does pull away a lot then I'm going to end it earlier like you said.

What's in bold will get you in to an awful lot of trouble. Please please rework this in your mind. It's never about being good enough or not good enough. Relationships aren't about that. Relationships are ALL about mutual compatibility. Print this out, stick on your fridge.

The point of dating is to assess compatibility. In this case, you saw the red flags and all the issues yourself that made this impossible. Your job to see, evaluate for YOURSELF and walk away because you know it's not working for you. You aren't some passive wallflower that some man picks or discards as not good enough. There is literally no such thing. When you see damaged, you walk away. Seek out a man who is healthy and in a healthy place to form a relationship. It doesn't mean that it will be with you though and that's not a commentary on your worth. People have different tastes, different ideas, different preferences and wants and likes and dislikes and so on. It's complicated and why finding that one right person is so difficult. Regardless, when you start out with men who are in a good place for a relationship, you are giving yourself a better chance to find that right and good match. Also, the faster and more ruthlessly you weed out the wrong matches for you, the less you'll feel bad about things because you won't be so invested like you are now. Definitely a lesson here to walk away much much faster. You are in control of your dating life and don't you forget it. :)

Thanks sooo much Dancing Fool. You are so right and have made me feel 100 times better. The crazy thing is I do know all of this, but when you get a bit emotionally involved you forget to sort of sense check yourself. Plus he said and did (sort of) all the right things.

I know deep down this isn't about me, or in fact even about my age. I honestly think the guy has been like this for a long time now. The distance, the fact we only used WhatsApp was his safety net. Next time I'm going to date someone who lives closer to me!