Is he in a rebound relationship? Do you think it will last?

Okayyyyy so. For some reason my last attempt posting this from my phone didn't work, so here I go again, lmao.

Almost a month ago (February 23rd) my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for a little under 5 months, and it was a very intense and involved relationship, and during that time we had amazing memories, and he introduced me to many new experiences. He is the first person I have genuinely loved, and he has even told me himself that he has "never felt this way for anyone else". When things were good, they were great! However, we had some bad problems. He had trust issues, and became controlling, and would blame me for every little thing he got mad at me for instead of considering it could be his over reactive nature, which he even admitted that he has. At some point we had an argument (which he started), he said things that I'm sure he regrets, and blocked me. He then unblocked me, looking to resolve it all. He didn't want to lose me, but I told him I that if his trust issues are never resolved, we shouldn't be together, which made him upset, and accused me of things I didn't do. I absolutely did not want to end our relationship, but I told him that he can believe what he wants, that I'm exhausted, and that it seems like we ran our course. Without even another word, he blocked me on everything. We haven't spoken for just about a month, and the whole time I've been completely grieving the end of our relationship.

Little did I know, just 10 days after we broke up (March 5th), he got himself a new girlfriend (funny enough the same day that we first saw each other in person after the break up), and they have been dating for just about 2 weeks. I am heart-broken. I still love him. How could he just move on so fast? Is it a rebound? Do you think it will last? I know a lot of you will want to tell me "you shouldn't care!", but I just want some opinions. Discussions like these threads are comforting to me, even if it's something I don't like to hear. So, yeah, I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Honestly, in the future I would even consider being with him again, but honestly for right now, I just want some opinions and discussion.

TL;DR- Boyfriend of almost 5 months got a new girlfriend after just 10 days of breaking up. Rebound or no?

Let me guess, he came on strong and it was so intense. He swept you off your feet and you both rushed in.

And then the real issues crept out - he's controlling and accuses you of cheating and challenges your integrity.

Things go from intensely hot to cold and then back again. He upsets you and then apologizes and wins you back.

Then poof, he disappears and finds a replacement. Is that about right?

He's pretty textbook and toxic.

Please learn a lesson from this. Toxic controlling people sweep you off your feet and bamboozle you with intensity so you'll hopefully won't catch on and see how flawed they really are. He couldn't afford to take his time and work up slowly because you would have seen his issues a lot sooner and never would have considered getting involved with him to begin with. When he realizes that the fog is starting to lift and it's possible you might be onto him, he finds another willing playmate and starts the cycle all over again.

Bottom line, the control and insecurity doesn't go away. It actually gets worse. Him not wanting to deal with it tells you how out of control it is. The fact that he can replace you so easily is not a reflection of you or your worth. It's actually an indication of how fragile and messed up he is.

I get that it hurts. Breakups are never easy and you cared about this guy. Honor that and be kind to yourself. Don't confuse the grief as a sign that you need to return to him.

You asking if it's a rebound pretty much begs that you are wondering if he'll return. It doesn't matter what his intentions are. They just are not healthy. That's all that matters. Be thankful he's gone and heal from this experience.

Do you want this guy back?

Wow, y'know it's really hard to argue with any of that, and you make a lot of sense there. Thank you for that response, because that actually kinda hit home.

Honestly, I think my emotions kind of blind my rationality. If he was asking me back face to face, it would be very hard to say no, but honestly, I would probably have to say no.

Honestly, I think my emotions kind of blind my rationality. If he was asking me back face to face, it would be very hard to say no, but honestly, I would probably have to say no.

and because you can admit this, you need to create some distance and with time you'll see things more clearly.

Right now it just hurts. And rightfully so. Sometimes we are tempted to return just to make the pain stop. I call it `making a deal with the devil'

But making the pain stop and getting him back because someone else has him is never reason enough to deal with the stuff he has and will put you through.

You're definitely right. Thank you so much for taking the time and being so helpful :)

You're definitely right. Thank you so much for taking the time and being so helpful :)

It hits a nerve with me. I am pretty sure I dated him. Him or his twin brother.

What makes you think that he is relationship material, or that things would be any different: "He had trust issues, and became controlling, and would blame me for every little thing he got mad at me for instead of considering it could be his over reactive nature, which he even admitted that he has."

He is manipulative controlling and emotionally abusive. I think that you should focus on why you are not certain that you do not want him back.. Did you grow up in an abusive household?

You should have broken up with him, when he started this behavior.

What makes you think that he is relationship material, or that things would be any different: "He had trust issues, and became controlling, and would blame me for every little thing he got mad at me for instead of considering it could be his over reactive nature, which he even admitted that he has."

 

He is manipulative controlling and emotionally abusive. I think that you should focus on why you would want to have this guy in your life. Did you grow up in an abusive household?

 

You should have broken up with him, when he started this behavior.

I think she knows this. But she is confused by his wanting to get back together and then being replaced so quickly.

That can cause most people to second guess themselves, especially when they are feeling vulnerable.

I think she knows this. But she is confused by his wanting to get back together and then being replaced so quickly.

That can cause most people to second guess themselves, especially when they are feeling vulnerable.

I know. But this dude is bad news.

I know. But this dude is bad news.

absolutely

^^ Exactly. Both of you definitely aren't wrong, either way. I'm just messed up over it I guess. He really convinced me that he gave a sh-t about me, and I really do believe he did. I know he didn't like worrying all the time like he did. We talked about it countless times, and a good amount of those times weren't arguments. He was aware of his problem. In all honesty I don't think he's an absolute horrible person, but he justified all of his anger and trust issues, and was stubborn about it. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong, so he wanted me to do all the work in order for him to not be so paranoid. He didn't want to stop and consider maybe helping me help him, and trying to help work on these problems. He was cheated on a lot in the past, so it seems like I was paying for his past girlfriends' mistakes.

It is not "worrying," it is control and manipulation. Big difference.

If he wanted to do something about it, he would seek intense therapy, and not blame you. It is not your job to help him. You are not a doctor.

Block this guy. Stop excusing this away.

Any of this seem familiar:

https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201610/9-classic-traits-manipulative-people

^^ Exactly. Both of you definitely aren't wrong, either way. I'm just messed up over it I guess. He really convinced me that he gave a sh-t about me, and I really do believe he did. I know he didn't like worrying all the time like he did. We talked about it countless times, and a good amount of those times weren't arguments. He was aware of his problem. In all honesty I don't think he's an absolute horrible person, but he justified all of his anger and trust issues, and was stubborn about it. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong, so he wanted me to do all the work in order for him to not be so paranoid. He didn't want to stop and consider maybe helping me help him, and trying to help work on these problems. He was cheated on a lot in the past, so it seems like I was paying for his past girlfriends' mistakes.

My last bf was the same way and when we broke up I went and spoke to my therapist who helped me through my divorce several years ago.

It's his job to work on his trust issues, not yours. You would acquiesce to one demand and he'll just move the goal posts.

By accommodating to his insecurities you are just rewarding bad behavior. You didn't cause them, you shouldn't pay for them.

My ex had a long list of things I should or should do. It didn't change anything and things just continued to escalate. We broke up and got back together and seemed better. Or at least it seemed. He actually just got better at hiding it, he thought. But you could feel the tension build until he would pop and run away. At some point he just got tired of the anxiety and insecurities.

People like them continue to search for the perfect partner that won't trigger them. I suppose they are out there, but they'd have to be totally selfless and give up essentially who they are to make these bottomless pits feel safe.

You just aren't that girl. Take a moment and be thankful

It's a shame really. We all have issues. Wouldn't be easier and lot less painful for everyone involved if you just worked out own your sh*t before you dated, instead of taking it out on everyone else?

 

My ex would say this as if that was some excuse. I told him in the end `you aren't unique' Most of us, especially at this age have been cheated on.

I have been and when I feel insecure I check myself. I don't make my current partner pay for it. Not if I want him to stick around for very long.

It hits a nerve with me. I am pretty sure I dated him. Him or his twin brother.

I dated him too lmao. I swear I experienced the exact same intensity and passionate relationship, and we too ended in february after 9 months together. If there is one thing I have learned about intensity so early on in a relationship is this, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

Any of this seem familiar:

https://liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201610/9-classic-traits-manipulative-people

Yeah the ones in the second one especially were a little more accurate

 

My ex would say this as if that was some excuse. I told him in the end `you aren't unique' Most of us, especially at this age have been cheated on.

I have been and when I feel insecure I check myself. I don't make my current partner pay for it. Not if I want him to stick around for very long.

 

It's an awful situation! I'm glad someone else can relate to it so closely. It brings a lot of prospective. I really don't know what makes someone think it's someone else's responsibility to fix everything. He'd tell me he does so much for me and put in so much effort, and he needs the same effort for me without question, and apparently because I was upset about his "rules", I didn't care about him, and didn't respect him enough to even try (even though I did try lol)

If there is one thing I have learned about intensity so early on in a relationship is this, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

I that is absolutely insightful. That's a very good lesson, actually. Thank you for that!