The limbo of being separated

I was in a nine year marriage. For some reason, I could never trust my then husband and gave me reasons to believe he was cheating on me. Out of revenge, I decided to do the same. Met a complete stranger and met up for sex. Instead of feeling even with my then husband, I felt really guilty but I couldn't stop doing it. This went on for three months, where we would meet every couple weeks. Slowly, we got to know each other and I caught feelings. I have a feeling that he does too, but he holds back.

I know, cheating is never acceptable, there is no justification. However, my marriage was dead and I told my then husbad I wanted a separation. He didn't even try to stop me, which confirmed my suspicious that our marriage was over before it ended. It has been a month since then, the other person still thinks I am married. How should I tell him? I don't want him to feel pressured or anything.

So, despite not having 100% evidence of he cheating on you, you decide the best course is for you to cheat? and further, because he is not fighting you on a separation, you think that means he was? And now you want to tell him you are cheating?

Whew! Lots of confused decisionmaking.

I recommend that you stop cheating and not use his "maybe" behavior as justification.

Then do a couple of things.

1. Get into individual counselling to figure out your life choices better.

2. Informed by your counselling, decide on whether to divorce.

3. Pursue that.

As for telling your husband you are cheating? That depends on how much you want to hurt him. OR if it a constructive activity as identified in your counselling.

I was in a nine year marriage. For some reason, I could never trust my then husband and gave me reasons to believe he was cheating on me. Out of revenge, I decided to do the same. Met a complete stranger and met up for sex. Instead of feeling even with my then husband, I felt really guilty but I couldn't stop doing it. This went on for three months, where we would meet every couple weeks. Slowly, we got to know each other and I caught feelings. I have a feeling that he does too, but he holds back.

I know, cheating is never acceptable, there is no justification. However, my marriage was dead and I told my then husbad I wanted a separation. He didn't even try to stop me, which confirmed my suspicious that our marriage was over before it ended. It has been a month since then, the other person still thinks I am married. How should I tell him? I don't want him to feel pressured or anything.

You are still married aren't you? What do you want or expect from this other person? Is he married too?

Let me add some context...I have seen threads of conversations where it was obviours he deleted messages with other women, I found an app he had where texts disspear within some time, recently found a photo of a woman, he would shave his balls when going on trips, such little things. I never bothered to look further or hire someone to check him. We have gone to counseling together but it seems we were back on a rut. We married after only 6 months of knowing each other and found out we have not much in common. When we separated, some time later he told me that he would be having sex with women even before finalizing the divorce and that I should do it too. So I felt relieved that I made the right decision. My counselor adviced me not to tell him because my intention is not on improving the marriage.

I mean how to tell the other person.

He is not married. Sorry I meant he still thinks I am living with my husband. He doesn't know know I separated a month ago. I feel we have a lot of things in common and I feel we have a connection. I don't know if this will lead anywhere. I just left a long relationship and I don't know if he would even want something more serious based that this did not start well (cheating involved). And I am fine with taking things slow. I just don't know how to tell him so he does't feel pressured.

Does it matter what you tell him? Do you really expect him to treat you as a serious long-term relationship prospect when he knows you're not above cheating on someone you've exchanged vows with?

I'd take some time off, focus on yourself, wipe the romantic slate clean, and someday start a relationship no built on a foundation of deception.

True, I need time to figure out what went wrong and not apply the same mistakes in the future.