Men are like Rubber bands? Are they?

I have been reading up on this over the last week because I have been getting comfortable

with someone who came back my way 6 months ago..-- but, he has gone quiet a couple of times.

We were involved a cpl years ago, for about a year.. things went downhill.

He moved onto someone else fast enough and that came to and end mid last year.

We again got close after that... road trips (short) and hanging out.

I admit, I backed off a cpl times as I was in fear he wasn't feeling the same as me, and

I did explain to him, after a cpl days.

He backed off once when he was ticked off at me for something I said, which offended him.

He went quiet for 4 days- but came back.

This time, seems different though. He distanced himself thruoghout a week, where he would

only speak to me once or twice a day. Total switch to how he usually was. :/

( No real joking around, lacked in good night texts- basically talk about work- small talk..?).

I have messaged him twice and left him alone. And left one email explaining how I am

concerned with his distance my way... not sure how to take it except that he is

no longer wanting me around?

That I would leave him be and respect his choice, should he choose to move on.

I never got a response to that either.

Anyways, I am still confused with what is going on.. so I have been reading up on

how men are like rubber bands. That they can pull away at times, but if they miss you

and you leave them alone, they will come around again.

Has anyone experienced this?

Or any guys do something like this?

I was thinking I may give him one more week then just ask him if he's done with me...

or give up.

Not sure, but I will not bother him anymore with texts.. so he can see how things

are without me.

Not this man. When I'm done, I'm done.

THIS is what I am referring to.....

>>"Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.

Most women are surprised to realize that even a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle.

----------------------------------------------

When a man loves a woman,periodically he needs

to pull away before he can get closer.

--------------------------------------

Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn't trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.

Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons, but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her, and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man spring back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn't feel any need for a period of getting reacquainted again."

I think the "rubber band" theory is just a way to make people feel good when their guy is mildly interested. A lame excuse and very damaging. When a person is into you, they are into you. They don't pull back. Sure this may not apply to all, but still. Also, the most important part, are you ok with this? Him disappearing for 4 days or more?Doesn't matter what anyone says if you are not ok with this.

I backed off a cpl times as I was in fear he wasn't feeling the same as me, and

I did explain to him, after a cpl days.

 

He backed off once when he was ticked off at me for something I said, which offended him.

He went quiet for 4 days- but came back.

It sounds as though you're both like rubber bands.

After a while, the elasticity of a rubber band diminishes. Sounds like his rubber band wore out.

Not the "rubberband" garbage. I'm sorry, he just isn't into the relationship.

Let this go for good.

I think there is something to be said about a new relationship moving forward and then taking a moment to step back and reevaluate.

It's not to be confused or abused by someone you've known for some time who chooses to emotionally and physically ignore you from time to time.

You've been on again and off again and tolerate him blocking you. He comes back because you tolerate it.

Aside from trying to figure him out and what he needs and accommodate to that, what do you need and is this meeting your needs?

Look, he shown that he's willing to risk losing you over and over. This isn't what that `rubber band' theory is remotely about. You are interpreting it in an attempt to justify his bad behavior and you continue to miss some very important signs.

I was thinking I may give him one more week then just ask him if he's done with me...or give up.

If he ignores you for a week, please don't contact him asking if he's really ignoring you.

If someone ignored me like this, whenever he got around to calling I'd tell him not to bother to again.

I know your situation is its own beast, but to clarify the concept you're trying to extrapolate your relationship dynamic into...

It's not about pulling away. It's about enjoying our space. And it's not necessarily a gendered matter. But, sticking with the generality, men desire and often require their own space. Once they have it, they've emotionally recharged, and quite naturally are more eager and happy to reach out and share space with you. But, really, so long as you've got your own healthy social and professional life and your own hobbies to keep you busy, it shouldn't take a real effort to provide a man that space, as you'd be asserting your own just as well.

I know your situation is its own beast, but to clarify the concept you're trying to extrapolate your relationship dynamic into...

 

It's not about pulling away. It's about enjoying our space. And it's not necessarily a gendered matter. But, sticking with the generality, men desire and often require their own space. Once they have it, they've emotionally recharged, and quite naturally are more eager and happy to reach out and share space with you. But, really, so long as you've got your own healthy social and professional life and your own hobbies to keep you busy, it shouldn't take a real effort to provide a man that space, as you'd be asserting your own just as well.

Yeah, that is what I reading up on. So, I guess i came across all of that when searching in confusion as to what is going on.. from a shown deep interest for 6 months.. to him distancing like he has.

I've known him for about 4 years, so we're familiar with each other already.... so, I'm stumped as to why he's acting like this with me.

He did come back this way again, 6 months ago. So, I got thinking.. well you know me! What's up now?

I will respectfully leave him alone now.

I am guessing if he doesnt come around in another week or so, that he won't? I don't know :(

The passage quoted was written by John Gray taken from his Mars/Venus series.

SooSad, "Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" was written specifically for married couples or couples in a committed long term relationship. He wrote a whole n'other book for couples who are dating and not yet committed.

This "rubber band" analogy, JG calls it "caving" and SooSad, he only means a man needing space/lone time for a couple of *days,* NOT weeks or months, that is a whole different thing!

A man who periodically needs to "pull away" for weeks or months is more likely to have commitment/intimacy issues, that is NOT what JG is referring to!

Please don't justify (or tolerate) disrespectful behavior (and your BF ignoring you for weeks/months is quite disrespectful in my opinion) by adhering to a theory one man (John Gray) believes as to why *some* men need to "pull back" for a couple of DAYS from time to time when in a long term committed relationship or marriage.

I don't know your history like some others, what I do know is that when a man periodically disappears from a relationship for weeks or months, that is not "rubber banding" or "caving" - that is a man who either doesn't give a crap or has some serious commitment/avoidance issues.

Why do you put up with his push/pull behavior?

I think that is the key question rather than "do all men rubber band?"

This isn't what was meant by the rubber-band theory, OP.

The guy in your case just isn't that interested. Don't bother waiting around.

Agree. Gray is a quack. Another celebrity "doctor" but whose degree is from a diploma mill. Don't date rubberband man or any variation of someone who can't or won't sustain a relationship.

Not this man. When I'm done, I'm done.

Doesn't sound like he's your BF, more like a friend. And possibly he met someone else and that's why he pulled way. He's preoccupied. Or maybe he felt pressured so he just goes silent because you treat this like a relationship and he doesn't consider it such. Don't think it's about him needing time alone or anything, sounds like he's just not that into you anymore.

Just sexist bullsh*t.

I never "rubber banded" or anything.

That isn't something I relate to as a gender thing but as a "not super into you" thing.

Or just some people have higher levels of independence in a relationship and need to adjust to partnership. Still that is just a personality thing.

STOP! Just stop what your doing. Your stereo typing us men. Generally ANYBODY can be like a rubber band. its more to do with their personality type. To just say its men is unfair.

Most men can be "hot and cold". if we don't like something. We go quiet. Remember not all men are great communicators. Some like their own space for a while.

No one is asking you to tolerate this but its how you deal with peoples behaviour that can either bring them closer to you or drive them further away.

John Gray isn't a "quack" if you understand his writings correctly.

As j.man said, *some* men in a close intimate committed relationship *do* need a bit of lone time/space at times (my own dad was this way - I witnessed it myself growing up), and when his partner/wife doesn't understand this, and encroaches on that time seeking reassurance, it might cause him to distance himself further.

The best thing to do is respect his need for that "space" -- a couple of **days** -- NOT interrupt that time by chasing, asking questions, seeking reassurance, and he will return to his loving self giving his partner/wife what she needs.

Like I said, my own dad was this way from time to time. Not often but enough for me to have noticed.

He never left our home but he distanced himself in other ways. He explained to my mom it had nothing to do with her, but he just needed this "time" to get back to his autonomous self (not those words), constant closeness and intimacy can be somewhat engulfing for **some** men (certainly not all).

Problem with books like this is that people (like the OP) misinterpret its context and use it to justify disrespectful poor behavior.

JG certainly did *not* mean a man disappearing for weeks or months, good grief. Or even one week. Beginning stages, that's different, he wrote a different book for that.

But the particular passage that OP quoted came from his book for married couples or couples in a long term committed relationship.

And he was referring to a couple of days not WEEKS.

SooSad, your guy either doesn't give a * or has commitment issues. JG addresses that in another book, for singles who are dating, the stages of dating leading to a "relationship."

I would suggest reading that one.

I have NO idea why he did this like he did :(.

I have known him 4 yrs and we were involved before... and he came back my way, again.

Was obvious interest.. until a week ago. Where its like he backed right off... I am shocked.

Sad, cause he is no gods gift, but had a gal who really did like him.

Yes, his choice. He can deal with it!

I tried.. again. But to go from 100 to 0 in a day is unreal.

I'm done... sigh.

Yeah I have a friend whose boyfriend pulled *disappearing acts* off and on for seven years, I've posted about it previously.

Weeks, months, then would return.

The guy had serious "commitment/avoidant" issues!

He admitted as such to her, but she mistakenly believed with love and patience she could "help" him - big mistake!!

My friend kept taking him back, things would be good, only to have him disappear again.

Seven years this went on until he just decided to never return.

She was devastated and last I heard she is still unable to develop a healthy RL with a man.

There are tons books/articles written about this too, why focus solely on John Gray?

Just for the sake of argument, I am woman that `rubber bands'

After having a certain amount of couple time, I need some alone time to regenerate. It might take day or sometimes two.

I don't ignore my man, I do not, not return his phone calls or texts.

Matter of fact, I will initiate contact but maybe on a little more limited basis than usual - all the while hunkering down for some' me' time.

It's all done in such a way that it's sensitive to the another's feelings and while being respectful.

I have NO idea why he did this like he did :(.

I have known him 4 yrs and we were involved before... and he came back my way, again.

Was obvious interest.. until a week ago. Where its like he backed right off... I am shocked.

Let's move on from all these theories and philosophical jargon. It goes back to "root cause". Was it a great relationship in the past, and what caused the breakup? If it was a solid foundation, and the problem was fixable, then things should be better than they were in the past.

Since, there are still problems, then things weren't so good in the past and it's time to move on, unless you have nothing better to do with your time and just like his company whenever he pops up.