Am I in denial?

This is going to be a long post.

My boyfriend of 10 months decided to pull the plug on our relationship 3 weeks ago. Everything in the relationship was mostly good, but he later told me that he was unable to fall in love with me and he doesn't know what's holding him back apart that he's scared to go through another heartbreak.

About him:

He's 38, hates his job, hates where he lives, generally hates where he is in life. I think he's going through a midlife crisis honestly.

About me:

I'm about to be 32, and took the risk with him. I don't feel there's anything wrong with me as he kept assuring that this is all him. I'm 100% comfortable in my skin.

About us:

This relationship was mostly healthy. We had our bickering, but it was never a deal breaker. He told me 2 months into our relationship that he suffers from depression and as someone who goes through the motions from time to time, I was really understanding. We were very complimentary in a lot of ways. We had the same sort of humor as well. I spoke to a friend of his after we split up and he was saying how my ex would always say how lucky he was, how I get along with his friends (which was super important) and that it always felt like I was meant to be there. Out of all of his girlfriends, I am the only one to make him feel safe and comfortable and he doesn't have to fake it.

Throughout our time together, we nurtured one another. He was always doing things for me, going above and beyond, and I would always tell him that he doesn't need to, but he enjoyed it so I just let him. When he would go through his mood swings, I would always hold space for him and be there for him or not, depending what he needed. Overtime, his moodiness started to trickle into our relationship and sometimes he would snap at me then apologize later. I put my foot down to tell him that this was not acceptable after repetitive apologies. He's been going to therapy for several years and I don't think it's helping him much. I'm not the type to be clingy, ask him where he is, what he's doing, etc. There was a lot of trust and no infidelity. And the weird thing is, I don't have the urge to call him or anything since our breakup. Communication has been mostly figuring out logistics.

He's constantly anxious and nervous about life in general. I've met his mother once a few months ago and we have plans to go to his home country next month. It's been a hard break up for me to process because I wanted the future with him. He's been adamant about telling me that he doesn't feel anything and that he's breaking up with me for us and our sanity. He decided to not change his flight and we are to face one another in 2 weeks. The first time we'll see one another in over a month and he's placing me in his friend's apartment. We'll be 45 mins away from one another.

I do feel hopeful, but he tells me not to be. He would use to tell me that when he's with me, he feels good, but when he's not with me, he doesn't think he misses me. I told him a few days ago that I think his job is the thing that is making him unhappy which feeds into other areas of his life and he thinks it's crap. He's overly defensive and I've always tried to show him different perspectives on things, not change him because that's not my place. He also went on a 10-day silent meditation retreat last month. When he told me 6 months ago he was going to go, I told him not to and that he was going to break up with me when he got back. I just felt that he was not strong willed to go because he was already in flux with things generally and going into confinement for that long could be damaging. He's not particularly open to spirituality as I am and I could sense this happening before my eyes. We did get into our one and only huge fight on his return and I'm not the type to lash, but I surely did this time. Telling him that what's it going to take for him to realize that he needs to push and break out of his cycle, if he needs us to break up to realize and that I was going with him to stay with him and his family and he's never told me how he's felt. He said the trip wasn't pressuring him at all with his decision. Also, we land the day before our would-be anniversary. I told him to not speak to me at the airport. I've been mourning to the point where I can't cry anymore

Today I'm feeling a lot of rage because all I want to do is fix fix fix, but I feel that this break up is good for him to recognize and reflect down the line. He told me I was the best girlfriend he's ever had and that I'm everything anyone would want, but I don't understand why he would give up such a good thing. He would always say I was such a positive influence in his life. Is he low on his self-esteem? Does he feel unworthy?

I just feel in my heart of hearts that this is not over, but I can't decipher if this is denial or my intuition. I'm nervous to see him in a few weeks. Also, I saw that he updated his dating profile though he says he wants to be alone and stay busy. This doesn't even bother me as I feel that maybe he does need to go out there and see what he's missing and how judgmental people are. He mentioned he hasn't processed our breakup either. I feel like he is running away, which he is good at as he's admitted to me that he goes into fight or flight mode and would rather go for the latter, but knows it's not good for the long term. Plus, he is moving out of his place end of this month to the neighborhood next to where I currently live.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. If he wants to run, you ought to let him. In the long run, it won't help you to keep someone who doesn't want to be kept.

I've met his mother once a few months ago and we have plans to go to his home country next month. It's been a hard break up for me to process because I wanted the future with him. He's been adamant about telling me that he doesn't feel anything and that he's breaking up with me for us and our sanity. He decided to not change his flight and we are to face one another in 2 weeks. The first time we'll see one another in over a month and he's placing me in his friend's apartment. We'll be 45 mins away from one another.

Telling him that what's it going to take for him to realize that he needs to push and break out of his cycle, if he needs us to break up to realize and that I was going with him to stay with him and his family and he's never told me how he's felt. He said the trip wasn't pressuring him at all with his decision. Also, we land the day before our would-be anniversary. I told him to not speak to me at the airport.

Why are you still going with him on this trip?

I initially planned to go and meet my writing partner and he wanted to sync up his schedule with mine. So we planned to take a few days in his hometown, meet the fam, and celebrate our anniversary. But now that's over, I'm just not excited to see him at the airport. I'm starting therapy today to snap myself out of this funk.

Same question as Jibralta, why are you still planning on actually going on this trip? That isn't a good idea; not the way it's been rearranged anyway. If you cannot change your ticket, do not stay at his friend's apartment. Find your own accommodation, and make zero plans to see your ex.

I think he doesn't have the heart to come out and say he just doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him. That might be compounded by the depression he has, or he might be experiencing some of these mood swings because he's been wanting to end it and not had the courage to cut the cord. If he's updated his dating profile, he's still on the hunt.

I am sorry you're experiencing this, in any event. Let him go if that's what he wants. It hurts, but it won't help you to try to fix anything if he doesn't want to.

He told me that he'd change his flight and when it came down to it, he decided not to in the end. I don't plan to see him. I think he's just needing to boost his ego by having casual encounters, which I'm not upset about. But how do you go from nearly a year relationship, straight into dating?

Yeah, I've given up on wanting anything. I just feel hopeful and I know it's stupid, but it's how I'm feeling since it's still fresh and delicate.

I told him awhile ago I hadn't found a place to stay yet and that's why he offered for me to stay at his friend's place.

I see. That makes sense, but is inconvenient. Can you change your flight? I agree with MissCanuck that you should find a place to stay that isn't connected to him.

But how do you go from nearly a year relationship, straight into dating?

My guess is that he disconnected from the relationship well before he let you know about it.

I can't change my flight as I lose a day of work.

Is he low on his self-esteem? Does he feel unworthy?

I would say so... I think because of his depression he'll always push those close to him, away..sadly :(.

Depression can get very difficult on everyone. Especially him.

Best thing I feel is to continue to respectfully give him distance, unless or until he possible reaches out again.

Maybe, if he's feeling your loss in next cpl of months? Don't know.

As for updating his profile? I am sure this is something he does not need....But, his choice. And he'll probably be the same way with the next one.

Just think on how long they would last.. once she gets a bit of time with him. ( unstable?).

And on it goes?

Poor guy.

He would always tell me that I was the least problematic thing in his life, but that he couldn't stand to see me suffer. He claims he's almost 40 and is freaking out as he doesn't know what's going on in his life. He's been in this lull since his last break up and as he was able to finally break from that, that's when he met me and told me he felt he had to be with me and wanted to know where it was going. But because of our differences, he was constantly surprised how well we got on and that the relationship was still going. I do admit that in the beginning, he was all gung-ho, asked me about marriage and kids, but as time went on, I saw that he was doubting if having a real relationship was what he truly wanted. When he was breaking up with me, he would say that he could always imagine himself single and he'd be fine with it :(

. He's been in this lull since his last break up and as he was able to finally break from that

How long had he been single when you met him?

I'm his most recent girlfriend and his last one ended in 2015. He said that relationship hurt him the most. They were together for 3 years or something and he noticed his depression. Their last year, they argued a lot and he realized that he wasn't being honest with himself and with her so he also fell out of it. She hates him and wants nothing to do with him. When we dated, he kept telling me how much more compatible we were than him and his ex. He always felt that he couldn't keep up with her and I'm guessing he was pretending to be someone for her. I also asked him if he was still in love with her and he would say no, just that he was scared to go through another heartbreak.

Unfortunately, all the things he told you during the relationship no longer apply.

I recommend finding a hotel to stay in rather than at his friend's place.

Good on you for starting therapy.

BTW, I get the whole being a "fixer" thing (I can relate ), but if the person doesn't want to be fixed (and isn't interested in "fixing " the relationship ), it's best to realize this and let it go.

Yeah, it's just that he feels guilty as I was supposed to stay with him that's why he's putting me somewhere else. I never wanted to change or fix him and he knew that. I just always encouraged him to get things done at his own pace.

Yeah, it's just that he feels guilty as I was supposed to stay with him that's why he's putting me somewhere else. I never wanted to change or fix him and he knew that. I just always encouraged him to get things done at his own pace.

That's fine, but the smart choice would be to decline that offer and find somewhere else that has zero connection to him.

Yeah, it's just that he feels guilty as I was supposed to stay with him that's why he's putting me somewhere else. I never wanted to change or fix him and he knew that. I just always encouraged him to get things done at his own pace.

This is what you wrote on this thread earlier which is why I made the "fixer" comments:

"Today I'm feeling a lot of rage because all I want to do is fix fix fix"

But I still think it would be better for you to book your own accommodations rather than relying on him to set them up.

You may be right and I will just need to accept this, but I'll look into something elsewhere.

He's overly defensive and I've always tried to show him different perspectives on things, not change him because that's not my place. He also went on a 10-day silent meditation retreat last month. When he told me 6 months ago he was going to go, I told him not to and that he was going to break up with me when he got back. I just felt that he was not strong willed to go because he was already in flux with things generally and going into confinement for that long could be damaging. He's not particularly open to spirituality as I am and I could sense this happening before my eyes. We did get into our one and only huge fight on his return and I'm not the type to lash, but I surely did this time. Telling him that what's it going to take for him to realize that he needs to push and break out of his cycle, if he needs us to break up to realize and that I was going with him to stay with him and his family and he's never told me how he's felt. He said the trip wasn't pressuring him at all with his decision. Also, we land the day before our would-be anniversary. I told him to not speak to me at the airport. I've been mourning to the point where I can't cry anymore

 

Today I'm feeling a lot of rage because all I want to do is fix fix fix, but I feel that this break up is good for him to recognize and reflect down the line. He told me I was the best girlfriend he's ever had and that I'm everything anyone would want, but I don't understand why he would give up such a good thing. He would always say I was such a positive influence in his life. Is he low on his self-esteem? Does he feel unworthy?

 

I just feel in my heart of hearts that this is not over, but I can't decipher if this is denial or my intuition. I'm nervous to see him in a few weeks. Also, I saw that he updated his dating profile though he says he wants to be alone and stay busy. This doesn't even bother me as I feel that maybe he does need to go out there and see what he's missing and how judgmental people are. He mentioned he hasn't processed our breakup either. I feel like he is running away, which he is good at as he's admitted to me that he goes into fight or flight mode and would rather go for the latter, but knows it's not good for the long term. Plus, he is moving out of his place end of this month to the neighborhood next to where I currently live.

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Read the things I have bolded.

I think you need to read up on codependency. It just seems like there are similar themes --- you did not trust that he could make the right decisions about his problems and his life and when he told you that it isn't working, you decide that "his job is the problem" and the problem is that HE doesn't think so. You say "its not your place to change him" but you are trying to in a way by doling out unwanted advice - you are not his life coach and you can't mold him in a way to suit.

another thing -- He likes spending time with you, but when he is not with you he is not preoccupied with missing you. This can mean that he is just not feeling it and it has nothing to do with anything else - or it could be a healthy thing... it is not a bad thing for someone to really enjoy spending time with someone but not "miss" them when they are not with them. I look forward to seeing my guy at the end of the day - but since i know i will see him at X time, I am not "missing him so much" - i look forward to seeing him but i am not longing and pining away that he is not with me that second. For you --- if you don't want to be with someone that isn't sitting at work thinking about you and missing you - then that's perfectly fine, but you should not be together because of that fact -- not psychoanalyze a number of other reasons behind why he is not feeling it so that you don't have to deal simply with the information that he's just not feeling it.

You think "its not over" - but you have to have good boundaries and decide that maybe whether he wants to get back together or not - that this is not the right relationship for you. To me, he might not be "running away from intimacy" but might just not want the life tips.

Most people who are depressed are not relationship material. At all. At least, unless and until they're treated professionally and can establish and maintain a reasonable degree of stability.

You can't fix or help someone's depression. It's a chemical disease. Helpful suggestions come off as criticism and erode the confidence--and nerves--of a depressed person. What seems like common sense can feel to that person like you're asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. So I'd skip the investment in ex's behavior--that's his own battle to take on, and it's apparent that he doesn't want an audience.

We can't help who we love, but we can recognize when some people are best loved from far away. I'd move my focus away from investing in ex's behavior and consider instead whether I've been investing in him to avoid putting that focus into my own life. I'd trust that if we were ever a meant-to-be deal, maybe we'll meet on higher ground someday, but we'll both need to reach that place on our own. Then I'd make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to build a fabulous future for myself. That's your percentage play because if ex ever wants to reach out to you, he'll make sure that you'll know it, and if not, then you've moved yourself into healing rather than ruminating yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

I'd skip the trip.

Head high.

Thanks everyone. I started going back into therapy after 16 years just to figure out how I can get over this. I know I need time to fully commit to detaching. The trip is completely separate from him and has always been. Like I've mentioned earlier, he synced his schedule to mine. So I stand firm that this is now my trip.

Thanks everyone. I started going back into therapy after 16 years just to figure out how I can get over this. I know I need time to fully commit to detaching. The trip is completely separate from him and has always been. Like I've mentioned earlier, he synced his schedule to mine. So I stand firm that this is now my trip.

But you are still planning on staying with his friend?

The apartment is vacant, but I'm looking at other options.