Lusting over ex-girlfriend

It's been close to 2 years since our breakup. Wow, how time has flown. I was a complete and utter disaster for many months flowing bu. Any hoot, I'm now at a state where I won't say I'm over her completely because I still think about her everyday, but the pangs are certainly gone. What I catch myself mostly feeling now is lust. Crazy, powerful lust. My ex just drove me wild when it came to her attractive meter in just about every facet. Her body, face, smell, eyes, voice everything just turned me on like a power plant. That's what I've been thinking and missing most; the sexual nature of our previous relationship. I mean I was very lucky to have had sex with her many times but now I just find myself constantly lusting over her and wishing to just nail her hardcore in a sleazy motel, lol. I have many times masturbated with her as primary thought just to rid her of my thoughts but within a day or so she comes popping back sending me in another lustful loop.

I know many of you will say "You'll just have to find someone just as attractive to replace her." That is true, obviously, but it's been hard. I don't really go out much, if at all and I only been using Tinder as my main form of connection to other women but it's been unsuccessful thus far. I do get at least 1 like per day but they're never as attractive as my ex. I've vowed to myself that if I don't feel attraction from the start then I won't waste our time. And the ones that I have matched with, which are rare, end up either not working out or unresponsive. This really depresses me. My ex's hot looks and attractiveness has literally ruined it for me with other women because now I'm way to picky but I also don't want to settle. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Now I feel like I won't be satisfied with a possible match unless she's just as hot, if not hotter than my ex. And the truth is I have very slim pickings. I'm 43 and just feel that I'm at that age where I don't have that wide variety like I once had. Dam, getting old really sucks.

Have any of you had this problem? If so, how did you deal with it? Did you eventually meet someone that did match your sexual desires just as much as your ex if not more so?

Just about the only thing that kept me attached to my horrible ex was the fantastic sex. I stayed way longer than I should have just to keep that going. After he dumped me we would occasionally hook up when he fought with the girl he'd dumped me for. After a few times I stopped because I realized what a d-bag he really was and I lost my physical attraction to him.

And yes, I did have fantastic sex with a different man later on.

This sounded like a trolling post until I saw you've been a member for two years :)

Looks fade! How about going after intelligence, independence, and kindness?

Sexual chemistry is important, but you know some of the most innocent looking women can be wild in bed.

Don't just go on outside appearances, because even the most beautiful can be downright ugly inside.

You'll find someone you consider equally as hot, if not more so, if you stop focusing on looks!

Just because someone is hot doesn't guarantee they are good in bed either! Maybe they are afraid of getting

messed up! Lol :)

I think at least half of people that ended up in a LTR probably did not match up with the person who gave them the best sexual experience. There are windows in all of our lives that stay open for a while and then close. And the truth is, that window may never open again for you. Ever. And the view from the other windows in the house aren't quite as good. However, consider the entire relationship. You're going to spend only a short amount of time having sex with your partner. The rest of the time is going to be spent doing other things. And those other things are going to have to be meaningful on some level. You're got to make sure you don't throw away a future fulfilling long term mate simply because one part of the relationship isn't quite as good as what you were used to during a short period of your life.

You deal with it by learning to value aspects of the relationship that may not lead to this rush of endorphin release. I think as you age and your sex drive lessens, you'll focus less on physical aspects and more on the compatibility of the soul.

This sounded like a trolling post until I saw you've been a member for two years :)

Looks fade! How about going after intelligence, independence, and kindness?

 

Sexual chemistry is important, but you know some of the most innocent looking women can be wild in bed.

Don't just go on outside appearances, because even the most beautiful can be downright ugly inside.

You'll find someone you consider equally as hot, if not more so, if you stop focusing on looks!

Just because someone is hot doesn't guarantee they are good in bed either! Maybe they are afraid of getting

messed up! Lol :)

What made you think this was a troll post?

What made you think this was a troll post?

It was the "nail her hard in a sleazy motel" comment you made.

Seriously, that sounds like hardcore prostitute level way of treating or talking about a female.

At any rate, I think you'll be finding yourself fantasizing about you ex when you're with others.

I dated a girl who was crazily attractive.

I mean, I'm not too shabby myself, but she was a slow d@mnnnn.

My wife doesn't look as attractive as that girl. She is very cute and I think she is very attractive. But d@mnnnn are we great in bed. Like, all the the freaking time.

Looks don't equate much to sexual desire with me now.

Not to be rude but you do seem to have a more shallow viewpoint. Seriously, if the girl isn't as attractive that doesn't mean anything. Doesn't mean you can't have great sexual chemistry.

I think you are limiting yourself by the way you are framing your ex in your mind.

I don't know about you, but in my life experiences, woman(or men) who are a bit over the top on attractiveness frequently have gotten through life without having to develop themselves much.

You can easily find someone with great sexual chemistry, and you are severely limiting yourself by only pursuing very attractive people.

When I was in High School, I dated a hottttie...After we broke up, it took me a long time to recover.. Saw her years later and I was like... Glad I didn't settle with her... She was still cute, but she lost that WOW about her...

Later on in my life, again, I had a hotttie GF... We broke up and it took me over a year to get over her... And again, saw her years later and I was like...WOW she really lost it... And by that time I was with someone else, and found her even more attractive...

I am 43 also, and life does not end...

I was married for 14 years, now divorced over 5 years... In the last 5 years I have dated a few women... Two of them were super hotttt and sex was beyond great... One of them wasn't as great looking but still great in bed...I also discovered that these women had no substance... They all have gone through divorces, had an Army of kids, they had nothing solid about them in order to bring to the table other than a load of drama... Sex may have been great, but a lot of it was selfish on their part, as it was a show in order to secure that better than OK life... It was to do exactly what you are going through...To keep you stuck and fixed on that... This woman you were with knew exactly what she was doing... However, she is a hollow, ugly human being on the inside, just as I discovered about the ones I dated after my divorce... I discovered further that post divorce women that have no substance, they rely heavily on their looks and sex in order to secure themselves that guy that has the life that they want and that is just pure co-dependency... However, they get caught, the relationship is short (never lasts) and they never end up settling down because they kick that can down the road from one guy to the other...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when you are 43, single parent and you want a stable future... Sometimes you might have to re-think things... Might have to go for someone maybe less attractive, but rather someone that has it all together... Looks fade... :)

So other women, because they aren't as hot as your ex, aren't attractive to you at all? Assuming you want a long lasting relationship, I think you need to dig a lot deeper than looks alone. Yes, you need to be attracted to this person but if she needs to be a 10+ just to get her foot in the door you are looking at a long stretch of single-hood IMO. You have idolized your ex and put her on a pedestal solely due to looks/sex, or at least that's what I gather from your post.

I read your past thread and it doesn't sound like you were compatible otherwise. You have experience that it takes more than looks to keep a relationship going. Are you smoking hot? Think about other qualities that could cause attraction to build even more over time. Get out more and meet women in real life - those smoking hot ladies have a boatload of options on Tinder and all those other dating websites. If you aren't a 10 yourself, that may be why traffic is so slow for you. You could be a 6, but turn out to be an 8 or 9 after someone gets to know you. Stop marinating on thoughts of your ex and get out there and mingle. You may find that when meeting women live and in the flesh, and getting to experience a bit of their personality you may be more attracted to them than if you only had a pic looking back at you. Also, keep in mind that some people may look better in person than in pics...and for the smoking hots, the opposite could also be true!

Believe me, I hear all of ya and a lot of ya made incredible sense. It's just been hard for me because for some dam, annoying reason I feel like I have unfinished business with my ex. It's stupid and meaningless, I know but my ego keeps nudging me back to thinking about my ex and how everything went down. She set me up last Sept.

She sent me a fb message out of the blue, after 1 1/2 years not spoken, to speak with me over the phone. I thought she had come to her senses and wanted to work something out so I was excited. But I didn't show it over the phone when she called. She gave somewhat of a half-arse apology, spoke for 40 min then hung up. I thought we were going to take it slow from there so I didn't bring anything up from the past because I figured when I see her and if and when the time was right I would then but other then that I kept our convo very cool and light. But I never heard from her again. She totally ghosted me.

I sent her 1 message to hang out couple weeks after the phone call and nothing. Then in Dec I sent her a final text saying Merry Christmas, blah, blah, blah and still nothing. In fact she went back to blocking me on facebook, FOR NO REASON!!! lol. So she calls, apologizes, ghosts me then blocks me!? What was the dam point??? Well, selfishness I suppose. Total selfishness.

She knew very well I wanted to work things out with her but instead she called for her own selfish reasons to rid herself of guilt then ghosted me. But you know what, I've totally forgiven her. I'm no longer mad or hung up on her anymore. I only think about her but feelings are just about gone, honestly. At this point I'm just holding on because of ego. I just wish I could've at least spoken my mind on that last phone call had I known it would've been our last time spoken. That's what sorta holds me back because I felt like once again she walked away with all the power. But I suppose it doesn't matter anymore at this point. I'm totally beating a dead horse. But ya, all I mainly think about with her now is just lust. I just wish I can meet someone as hot as her, if not hotter. Thank you guys for your input, please keep them coming if you guys have more. I do enjoy reading them.

Why is "hotness" such a high priority for you?

Is your ego trying somehow to "stick it" to her by dating someone "hotter"?

You do know she would never find out the hotness level of whoever you date. Or if she does find out, how do you know she'd even care? Does her ego match your own?

You guys are misunderstanding me so sorry if I worded things wrong. What I'm saying is I'm simply lusting for her because our sexual chemistry was amazing. I just miss it, that's all. Unfortunately for me when I'm not attracted to a woman on the same level as my ex it's just hard for me to maintain my attention. I'm not even asking much too, believe me. As long as I "feel" some kind of physical attractiveness towards a woman I'm all in. Of course kindness, respect and integrity is important and yes, those are attractive traits, and those are expected but I'm also talking about sexual attractiveness. It's like this; my ex's personality was pretty bad. she had a pretty high level of BPD. But for some reason when I was with her I felt happy and right. I just wished that she wasn't so dam unpredictable and selfish. Physically she was everything I wanted and on certain emotional levels as well, but by in large she was emotionally very bad. In the end she was just too disrespectful and I didn't trust her so that's why we ended in a pretty bad way. I acted out of character and made a complete fool of myself. My ego just wants some power back after 2 years but at this point I'm sorta over it, to be honest. Anyway, that's the past. It's over and done. I just hope this lusting part goes away too. I sorta wish I can see a recent picture of her looking like crap so that I can be like "ohhh, that's what I've been lusting over!?" lol. Anyways, I'm sure I'll meet someone that'll knock my socks off. Just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

You guys are misunderstanding me so sorry if I worded things wrong. What I'm saying is I'm simply lusting for her because our sexual chemistry was amazing. I just miss it, that's all. Unfortunately for me when I'm not attracted to a woman on the same level as my ex it's just hard for me to maintain my attention. I'm not even asking much too, believe me. As long as I "feel" some kind of physical attractiveness towards a woman I'm all in. Of course kindness, respect and integrity is important and yes, those are attractive traits, and those are expected but I'm also talking about sexual attractiveness. It's like this; my ex's personality was pretty bad. she had a pretty high level of BPD. But for some reason when I was with her I felt happy and right. I just wished that she wasn't so dam unpredictable and selfish. Physically she was everything I wanted and on certain emotional levels as well, but by in large she was emotionally very bad. In the end she was just too disrespectful and I didn't trust her so that's why we ended in a pretty bad way. I acted out of character and made a complete fool of myself. My ego just wants some power back after 2 years but at this point I'm sorta over it, to be honest. Anyway, that's the past. It's over and done. I just hope this lusting part goes away too. I sorta wish I can see a recent picture of her looking like crap so that I can be like "ohhh, that's what I've been lusting over!?" lol. Anyways, I'm sure I'll meet someone that'll knock my socks off. Just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

What part of this did I misunderstand?

"I just wish I can meet someone as hot as her, if not hotter. "

What part of this did I misunderstand?

 

"I just wish I can meet someone as hot as her, if not hotter. "

Boltrun, you are very literal and one dimensional. Obviously I want the other things as well, like respect, selflessness, etc, but I ALSO want the physical attractiveness. I'm NOT going to go out with a woman I''m not physically attracted too even though she's got the emotional traits, sorry. You might but I won't. And I'm not even asking much on the physical level too, just certain things I find attractive that I look for, that's all. Stop making me feel like an A-hole okay. I believe this is typical of most people's mindset. I'm sure a big part of you is like this too so please don't go there and don't pigeon hole me.

Maybe part of what you found so irresistible about her was her instability ? It seems a part of you is still struggling to heal and move on, not so much from her but the emotional roller coaster you were on while with her.

The sex was the one thing that was really good, so if you find yourself somewhat obsessing about that, it may be a way you are protecting yourself from dealing with the emotional damage you sustained while in this relationship.

You mentioned she has strong BPD traits . Have you talked to someone about being in a relationship with someone like that? It's rather rare someone walks away unscathed after being involved with someone so unstable.

The very things that excite you about her might be things that are hurting you still, even with her no longer in your life.

I'm sure you've heard before about the intense sexual connections people often feel with extremely unstable partners. It's often a part of that dynamic and what keeps the person going back for more. The fact you are having trouble connecting with anyone else is reason enough to look into that as a possibility. There's no reason you can't have great sex again ! But it's like a person accustomed to cocaine learning how to enjoy healthy highs of life again. Of course it will not have the same voltage .

Ahh, Justin. You should look her up then and see if you can find a recent pic on her media because people do change in two years time. It does makes sense now with The BPD , many feel like they want that person so badly and do return because they are very addictive to be with, even though it's bad at times. That sounds wrong, not passing judgement on anyone with BPD or any mental disorder for that matter, but the sex drive and chemistry felt with BPD is pretty intense from what people report in research but it can also be destructive when sex drives are no where near matched during the reckless episodes they can experience. You found her addictive. That's what was attractive, more so than her physical beauty.

Probably why you aren't feeling the same level of attraction now, because two years is a long time to still be thinking about this.