Traumatized by my first time- Please help

My boyfriend and I began dating in high school. Within 11 months of dating, he expressed to me that he wanted to have sex. I was not at all ready at the time. For me, sex has always been a big deal. He told me he wouldn't pressure me at all, but as time went on he became more and more insistent. I eventually gave in during my last year of high school and we began trying. For me, it was extremely painful to the point where we could never completely go through with it. I was so afraid of the pain and so nervous that I would tense up every time we tried. We just continued trying for about two years. At this point we were already in college. One morning, after trying again, he got so angry at me that he pushed me away and told me he could not do this anymore and I began to cry. I was having such a difficult time adjusting to college that at the time the thought of losing him was too much. He was like my security blanket. That moment was a turning point for me. I told myself that no matter how much it hurt, I would just let this finally happen. And I did. I remember it being so painful that I was clenching the bed sheets while it happened, telling myself it would be over soon, until it was finally over. After it was over, I expected to feel different but he just acted like nothing special had happened and I felt the same. I had always imagined the first time I would have sex as something really special, but it was nothing like I imagined. I am now graduating soon and we have been together 5 years. I think I am still with him out of security more than love. He treats me well now but ever since I lost my virginity to him I have almost been traumatized by it. I have never had good sex with him and sometimes I have these flashbacks of what happened and I cry. Am I being dramatic? Is this all in my head or did something traumatic actually happen to me? I have no to talk to about this. I have never told any of my friends and I couldn't tell him, he just wouldn't understand. Let me know what you think.

Thanks

He manipulated you into having sex basically knowing you weren't ready and it hurt you. You have every right to feel traumatized. If I were you I would kick his butt to the curb! He is not a good guy! He showed you no respect.

Lisa

That sounds terrible.

I would go to an obgyn and get checked out .

There are many abnormal things that can lead to that amount of pain.

I think you would have to have a physiological issue to cause that.

As far as dealing with such a traumatic first time, and every time from the sound of it, I think you might want to see a counsoler.

It sounds like you have developed some PTSD from it.

There are actually sex therapists; maybe one of them could help you? I think your boyfriend probably just doesn't know what to do and is frustrated, and you aren't ready, relaxed, or comforted enough to have sex. If you can't get professional help, maybe do some research and find some articles or books? Ask him to be patient and experiment with you to figure it out? Can you get a vibrator to use during sex, and try a good romance novel or movie to get you more relaxed and in-tune with the good feelings sex can bring?

My first few times hurt some. Then I got into it. I also felt pressured by my boyfriend so the first time wasn’t the best. We weren’t well matched because he was upset with my not wanting to and not being ready (I was really attracted to him and felt in love but I’d seriously considered waiting till marriage so it was a big deal to change my mind). I didn’t seek a doctor’s help but you might want to and also e plots using more or different libricstion. But not with him. I don’t think it’s worth it given what you wrote to work on the sexual part given how things are between you. If you meet someone else and want to try with that person it might be worth getting professional help. I suspect if you’re with someone who cares and is kinder and more compassionate your body might adjust a lot. Dryer.