Told office crush about feelings and overdid it

Grown-up man here. Told my office crush (a younger woman whom I can’t believe I share a planet with, such is my infatuation) about my feelings in the form of asking her to go for coffee, in a handwritten note that took all my courage to write and give to her, calling her “fascinating”. She’s the one who first smiled at me, repeatedly I should add. In a text, she acknowledged my courage, but friendzoned me pretty clearly. I could have left it at that.... But noooooo, I had to reply to her with a series of text that explained my feelings - bad idea in hindsight, as that spooked her (rightly so) and she let me know, which I acknowledged. I respect her very much still, so short of never talking to her again (we’re a few offices away), is there anything I can do to make her feel comfortable again and undo my dumb outpouring of emotions?

I should add that the whole experience left me in a shambles, and still I so regret having been annoying to her. :(

I don't know if you can "undo" it, but you can honor her wishes by keeping the boundaries she wants. Hopefully that will quell any fear she has towards you. In the mean time proceed to act as normal as possible. No groveling...ever. Just small talk and no more texting unless she texts you first. Use this as a learning experience.

Get in tune with yourself. Have fun. Do things you like. Date other people. Next time you see her, make it fun and light, laugh at yourself and do not shy away for having liked her. You are a man and that is normal.

So wait - after being super intense and her telling me as much in no uncertain terms ("please just give me a break, this is a bit much right now"), I just act normal? My first instinct would have been to avoid her, look at the floor if she’s around, if not try and work from home to spare her from my presence.

I'd ignore her honestly because she has a note in handwriting plus texts and you don't know what she will do with them.

Be professional and don't cross that line again.

Well, what's "normal" for you at work, OP?

I'd just stay focused on the job and steer clear of your colleague.

If she wants to talk to you, she'll approach you.

Remember to be civil, though. Don't appear angry or bitter over what happened.

Acknowledge her if you cross paths, but I'd leave it at that.

She could have called the cops on you and maybe have you charged with something. From here on in dont text her and dont write her any notes. Keep it professional. Say hello and keep going. You need to redeem yourself. I hope you have learned from this.

I would also advise not addressing the subject again with her, or in any way "trying to make her feel comfortable", other than just acting like nothing happened. If that means trying to avoid her as much as possible until you feel better about it, then do that.

Does your common law wife of 10 years know you asked this office crush out on a date?

Does the HR department at work have any rules about dating in the office? Can this woman file a complaint against you?

Yup. Not only are you trying to cheat, but you've just committed sexual harassment. You better hope she doesn't go to HR. Keep your head down and stop bothering the women in your office.

Just leave her be, OP.

You can be professional and civil without pretending like she doesn't exist. You're going to make the situation even more awkward if you run away or stare at the floor when she's in your presence.

Avoid her when you can, of course, but don't make a show of it.

If that makes you all feel better, I have concrete suicidal ideation because of what I did. So yeah, I know that I shouldn’t have.

If that makes you all feel better, I have concrete suicidal ideation because of what I did. So yeah, I know that I shouldn’t have.

Why would that make anyone feel better?

OP, in kindness, you need to get a handle on yourself. This shouldn't be enough to push you into suicidal ideation, but since it has, you need to speak to a qualified professional who can help you cope. What's really going on here? This has triggered something deeper in you that urgently needs to be addressed.

EDIT: I just went back and read your previous thread. You have a lot of issues to sort out, the first one being your crumbling relationship with your common-law wife. You didn't return to that thread, so may I ask why not? What did you tell yourself to give yourself permission to ask another woman out when you're not single?

Hopefully she won't go to human resources and file a harassment claim. Work is not a singles bar or dating app. The note is creepy. She told you that. That's a huge warning that she'll make a formal complaint. Stay far far away and leave her alone.

Don't stare or hang around. Just nod/smile politely if you do run into her and keep moving along. Also brush up your resume just in case and get on some dating apps to find viable available dating opportunities.

Told my office crush a younger woman about my feelings in the form of asking her to go for coffee, in a handwritten note that took all my courage to write and give to her, calling her “fascinating”. as that spooked her and she let me know

Important: the note itself didn’t spook her, and in fact she "admired my courage". What did put her off was my trying to close the loop in an attempt to make sure *she* was OK because I felt bad.

OP, you crushed on a work colleague. It's no big deal! We've all been in situations where we've crushed on someone and those feelings weren't reciprocated.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Suicidal ideation is not the answer. It never is.

Let what happened at work roll off your back. It happened.

Now focus on yourself and your life, particularly what you can do to make yourself happier.

Also, please speak with a professional asap regarding this suicidal ideation.

OP, you crushed on a work colleague. It's no big deal! We've all been in situations where we've crushed on someone and those feelings weren't reciprocated.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Suicidal ideation is not the answer. It never is.

 

Let what happened at work roll off your back. It happened.

 

Now focus on yourself and your life, particularly what you can do to make yourself happier.

 

Also, please speak with a professional asap regarding this suicidal ideation.

You need to read his other threads. OP has a common-law wife.

You need to read his other threads. OP has a common-law wife.

Why? How does that help anybody? He's not worthy of human kindness and empathy?

Yes, he shouldn't have done it. You go ahead and cast the first stone then.

is there anything I can do to make her feel comfortable again and undo my dumb outpouring of emotions?

Definitely abandon all ideas of trying to "make her feel comfortable." That can easily be invasive, and you've already crossed her boundaries two too many times. Try to erase this from your mind and behave professionally, as though nothing ever happened. If it's helpful, work from home for a while until the awkwardness fades.

Why? How does that help anybody? He's not worthy of human kindness and empathy?

 

Yes, he shouldn't have done it. You go ahead and cast the first stone then.

Advice is vastly different for someone who is common law married vs someone who is freely single with a crush. The whole chain of events - from the first note - was inappropriate. Where it would not be as inappropriate to ask someone for coffee (aside from the workplace thing) if he were freely single. The fact that he was a little aggressive to her despite NOT being single is very concerning. its called being a cheater - and there are kids involved, to boot. If you want to dole out the empathy - give it to his kids who need some.

You need to read his other threads. OP has a common-law wife.

Yes, I know.

OP acknowleged that what he did was wrong. He then made comments regarding suicidal ideation.

If that isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is.

Therefore, the purpose of my post was to let OP know that tomorrow's another day, he'll be okay, that suicide isn't the answer, and to suggest that he get help immediately.

Advice is vastly different for someone who is common law married vs someone who is freely single with a crush. The whole chain of events - from the first note - was inappropriate. Where it would not be as inappropriate to ask someone for coffee (aside from the workplace thing) if he were freely single. The fact that he was a little aggressive to her despite NOT being single is very concerning. its called being a cheater - and there are kids involved, to boot. If you want to dole out the empathy - give it to his kids who need some.

Kids? I don't believe there are kids involved.

Kids? I don't believe there are kids involved.

Maybe i misread the other thread. Either way, this is infidelity. Kids or no kids. Its inappropriate to the young lady that a man who is living with his for all intents and purposes wife is pursuing her (most likely it is known he is in a long term relationship). It has to be known by others at least in the office that he is living with his common law wife, unless he just started working there yesterday. If i was that young lady, I would wonder if he was wanting to entice me into some weird threesome arrangement and would be uncomfortable, and so would cheating. But its not about her, its about him crossing the line.

What happened isn't fair to his common law wife or his colleague.

We all get that, and I'm pretty sure that includes the OP.