Feel stuck in life and don't know where to start.

Hi, firstly apologies this is long, but I'm hoping for advice about something that's on my mind for a while.

I'm from tge UK, I live and work on a family run farm, now 29. This past few years I been feeling rather down, wondering why I bother, feel I'm missing out a lot in life, feel I'm doing something because I have to, I can't say I'm a natural farmer, I find it boring at times, some things are ok, like fencing, today I been painting insulation paint on the house and plastering with a little help from YouTube. I found it more fun and interesting than sheep or cattle.

Farming around here in the hills is not profitable, you spend more than you get in, like shearing which is tiring or lambing season when things can get out of your control or with cattle, or docking/cutting wool off tails of sheep and fiddling with yucky things like getting rid of maggots in summer that eat some alive if you don't treat them, and the only things giving you income to carry on are government grants for wildlife conservation and renting out.

I am actually more interested in wild animals, birds wolves bears and all that than farm animals.

Most farmers according to the news are over 50.

But it's more than farming not being profitable. It's more of the feeling that I am missing a lot in life. The thought of doing the same thing until I get really old scares me. Going to 30 years old in September scares me already. I feel I need some fun in life.

I had social anxiety shyness, failures to fit in throughout school and college, innability to socialise and always think differently and perceive the world different to others, sometimes I think I may have something more than just social anxiety and lack of confidence skills.

I don't blame people who use to make fun of or humiliate me in school and college but I do get angry and sad sometimes, but more with myself, plus I've had a bad image of society, comparing people to people, i.e thinking someone might make fun of me, or if I work with someone, they may get angry and tell me how useless I am if I do something wrong, like this teacher once said or my dad once said years ago.

I used to be a pleaser, always wanted to be nice and respectful even to those who never respected me back then, and sometimes it hurts that I let it eat me inside.

Some people especially the neighbours, I feel they think I'm a little slow. Even my parents and my sister too.

Only two years ago I managed to tell a doctor about some of my feelings, I tried online CBT by the NHS,

it worked temporarily, when I do it I feel postive then, the next day, I feel negative.

I did some volunteering with the wildlife trust who the helper with the CBT programme recommend I try to help with confidence building and all that... it was good and it help a little.

As for what I'd like to do instead of this same cycle of life on a farm...I really don't know what I'd like to do, it's hard to know.

I haven't got much qualifications, don't feel like going back to college, especially in town.

I did ask a builder if I could help around when they were re-roofing the house, he wasn't very keen on letting me do anything. Maybe health and safety I don't know.

Would people employ you and train you to work for them?

I don't know if this is realistic, but I've always wanted to travel, get out of here, stop being in the same cycle and do something different, experience new things, improve my confidence and get more sociable.

I been doing research, many years ago now, planning a working holiday (for 18-31y/o) to Australia or Canada, doing temporary work and travel round the place, but never managed to do it, just didn't have the confidence, it's getting a late now.

Been learning myself Spanish and German, but never been to Germany,Austria or Spain, I just have interest in those places.

Just could never push myself. Only time I travelled abroad was to the USA to visit relatives with my mom.

I did ask if I can go to Spain even the US, but she rather I go to my aunt's place in America than some place I don't know or go with my cousin, as for Spain, not so keen on that.

I don't know if I'll enjoy travelling or backpacking or whether it's a silly or unrealistic idea, especially at nearly 30.

I don't know if I'll like doing a different job or what I can do, if I'll like doing volunteer work/help exchange, like the people etc.

And whether it would be selfish, especially my parents getting old.

But again it's something I feel I'd love to do, and always wanted to experience for a long time.

Maybe it's time to try and forget it and carry on?

I'm always reminded by my mom that their getting old, that I should take more responsibility on the farm, my dad is 72 now my mom in her 60s.

A family friend and neighbour once told my dad it's about time he retires. He's already fed up with farming too, complaining it's unprofitable, the costs of things, but still carries on, still used to his "old fasion" ways....but that doesn't mean he'll be happy if I decided tommorow I don't want to be a farmer or ask to sell the place, or move to live in town..

I guess it's not easy leaving your home?

Regarding travelling, other things pushing me back are, sometimes I get thoughts of things like accidents and other scary thoughts sometimes, the feeling if I go, be happy and enjoy myself too much, something bad might happen, especially at home, and it would be my fault for being selfish.

I think about if I go travelling or work elsewhere, who's going to help on the farm.

At the same time I feel that I keep doing the same boring things every year, and wonder if it's all worth it.

If I left farming, leave home, I don't know if I'll regret it either.

My parents would likely be dissapointed, the people renting the house which we have for rent would have to leave. Everyone will have to make changes because of me.

One of the neighbours who tried to steal part our land many years ago would be happy to buy the place if we sold it. My dad and grandad had to go to court to claim it back.

We have 4 dogs all together, they're not very sociable either, 2 are already old, got a new pup in the hope he listens to me, not very much of success. Don't know what they'd have to do with them.

It's not so easy, I feel stuck and unable to know what to do, forcing myself to just carry on like this feels mentally stressful, especially with time flying past me like a rocket,which is scary and regretting a lot of things from the past.. And it's not so easy to talk about it.

I don't think they'd understand either, they don't understand my mental disorders like generalised anxiety and social anxiety and physical pains I keep getting occasionally for no reason.

I'm going to be a little blunt here. Before that though, I have to say I can relate to A LOT to what you wrote and that's why I feel like I can be blunt.

Your parents can't understand your anxiety because they are the ones that created it. Throughout you whole post, you mentioned them quite a lot and how they have been controlling your life. The thing that hit me most is how useless they think you are, or at least your father. Having a parent think you are useless is a HUGE thing, it marks you for your whole life. Our parents are our everything when we are growing up so they basically establish our worth in the world; or so we think. IT DOES NOT MEAN IT'S TRUE. You are useful and deep down inside you know it. You were not meant to take over your father's farm and it's obvious the way you talk about that work. They are guilting you to take it over. You are not old. I changed jobs at the age of 34.

I beg you to start therapy again with a different therapist this time and if they don't suit you, change them again. That's the first step. Believe in yourself. You are A LOT more valuable than the people around you have made you believe you are.

Keep us updated!

OP, you're young, and if you're interested in exploring other job avenues or travelling, then do it!

You aren't here to live your life for your parents. You're here for you.

You can't let your fears, age, negative thinking, or what other people think of you get in the way of what you want to accomplish.

It's also not right for your parents (or anyone else) to guilt trip you into staying where you are and to expect you to continue farming if you don't want to.

Listen OP, we only go this way once. It may be tough to do, but you have to stand up for yourself and pursue YOUR passions. You can't live your life for your parents.

As long as you continue down this path, you might look back with regret. It's time for you to take a long, hard look at your life and make some changes.

I don't think you're stuck. I think you're maybe fearful of change. You have to learn to adapt though and do what's best for you.

Don't be scared of change. Embrace it. Sounds like it's what you need!

Thank you for your advice. I'll try to plan it out, I think it's going to be tough, but I'll do my best.

Knowing where to start first is tge difficult part.

Hey Josh, with Monsanto and other big corporations taking over farming, it's not as easy to make it there. You have to adapt to the society we live in now, and channel your passions into a profitable enterprise. Are you good at farming? Do you have a green thumb? If so, I'd suggest that you start teaching people how to do urban gardening. How to successfully grow plants in the city in small boxed gardens of raised beds, both in a yard and in rectangle troughs people can place on their apartment balconies. Systemize your process into step by steps, create youtube videos about it, build a following, create a membership website and sell courses online on how to do this. You can create a stream of residual income from any skill you can break up in a teachable course, in video form, and free you from the 9-5. Take that backpacking trip, meet new people, let your heart expand, do some research on how to modernize your skill set into an urban environment and get paid to teach what you know.

I did a big backpacking trip alone (Eastern Europe, Latin America and the Middle East) when I was in my mid to late 20's and it was pretty common to see people into their mid 30's backpacking. Unless you are hanging out in party hostels that are targeted towards 18 year olds, you will definitely not look out of place or feel too old backpacking. I am introverted (and have a little social anxiety) and found that backpacking did wonders for my confidence, socially. Being around other travellers was one of the few times in my life that I've felt like I could be true to myself and had little judgement. I made a lot of friends with some really interesting people who I still keep in contact with.

So if you really want to travel, you should do it.

Btw, 29 is not too old to apply for working holiday visa (at least in Australia). As long as you apply for it before you turn 31, you're good for a 1 year visa at least. My friends got their working holiday visa to Canada when they were 30.