Trying to fix an Age-Gap, Marriage Mistake

My wife and I have been married for almost two months and it’s not going very well. I think I made a big mistake and I don’t how to fix it without hurting her emotionally and financially. We met online, and we fell in love online and over the phone without actually meeting each in person. She is a lot older than me and we lived in other states. After eight months of dating online, I flew out to meet her and we spent a week together at her place.

We had a good time and we got along well when I went out to meet her, but she wasn’t truthful about her dating profile and it was painfully obvious when we met. I think I knew in my heart that she wasn’t right for me, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that. I remember thinking it would either fizzle out on its own or I’d get over my cold feet.

For starters, she lied to me about her age and about being an ex-smoker. She used her photographs, but they were not current. She told me she was fifty-five, but she was really sixty-seven. She explained the cigarettes by saying she got nervous about meeting me and had started back but she would quit again after I left to go back home. That should have been the end of it, but of course, it wasn’t. She also lied about her financial security. She told me she owned a house, but she rented a trailer. She told me she was employed as a hair dresser, but she only does it part time and most of her income is from social security.

I was thirty-five when she contacted me online. I had been divorced for four years to a woman who was my age and we have two kids together. I think one of the reasons it didn’t work out with my first wife is because I’ve always been attracted to older women, but I’ve never been totally comfortable with my attraction to older women. It took two years after my divorce to get up the courage to write on my dating profile that I was looking for an older woman. I wrote that I wanted to meet a non-smoker who was ten to twenty years my senior.

Her excuse for not being truthful was that once I got to know her I’d forgive her for her “white lies”. In a way, she was right. She’s really a nice woman, and she’s actually very attractive for her age. But 67 isn’t 55 and 67 is 32 years older than me and its five years older than my mother.

As I said, I’ve never really been comfortable about my attraction to older women. I didn’t tell my parents about her until she moved in with me, because I knew what they would say, and I was right. My parents had a lot to say, especially my mother. But I went ahead with the marriage and we got married by a justice of the peace. By the way, she did not quit smoking like she said she would. I don’t think she even tried. She smokes two packs a day, just like my mother does, and I pay for them because she really can’t afford them. It was cold when she moved down, so she asked me if it would be okay for her to smoke in the house. I didn’t want the whole house to smell, so I bought an air purifier and put it in our bedroom, and that was probably a mistake, because the air purified doesn’t work that well and the damage to the room has already been done.

I have mixed feelings about the marriage and the possibility of getting a divorce. A part of me feels bad, because she has no where to go if we get divorced. She doesn’t have kids. And that’s kind of bad unto itself because she takes out her motherly instincts on me, and I don’t need another mother. The thing is that she’s not a bad person, she’s like one of the nicest and sweetest people I’ve ever known. But we’ve been married and living together for two months and I’m not getting used to it like I hoped I would. I don’t think I changed my mind about being attracted to older women, but it’s weird going to bed every night with a woman who is older than my mom and who smokes like my mom. Those two things together just blow my mind. But if I don’t think about that it doesn’t bother me, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’ve already written too much but I feel like I’m not finished because there is so much to say and think about it. I don’t know if I should be talking to a lawyer, or to a marriage counselor, or to a therapist. Before I post this, I think it’s only fair to say I do have feelings for her, and for better or worse, I do love her, and she’s been a lot better wife to me than my first was, and the sex is much better too, and a lot more frequent. I’m just having a hard time with the paranoia I’m feeling. I know what people think when they see us together and it bothers me. If I could change that I wouldn’t have to change anything else, but I don’t see how that can happen. I just wish I could make up my mind for once and for all and not look back. It would be great to go forward, but I feel like I’m running in place and I’m not getting anywhere.

You need to talk to a therapist. You married someone you barely know, who lied to you... and you did that because of a kink you aren't even comfortable with.

You need some outside help.

Why did you marry her, OP?

I mean that as a genuine question.

It sounds like if it wasn’t hurtful to her, then you would want to end the marriage.

She lied to you about key things that were requirements for you but something in your head (love?) allowed you to move forward with what your logic told you was wrong.

Now, you’re in a scenario that you can’t easily sort out.

You need a personal therapist.

After you see the therapist, if you decide to stay together, then I’d say you need a couples therapist to sort out how she’s disappointing you with smoking and that she lied to you about her age.

Why is she comfortable with her lies by the way and why are you justifying that the lies are ok??

Also, an issue to cover with the therapist is how you’re going to cope with her quickly fading into old age while you’re still in your healthy prime.

I’ve had relationships with some similarity—the discomfort of what looks like a mismatch to others. The age lies. The smoking lies. Other lies. So I’m interested to see what is suggested to you.

Why did I marry her?

If you knew me, you wouldn’t have to ask, but you don’t, so you deserve a genuine answer since you asked a genuine question.

1) I’m not good with women. I’m very shy, and I have a speech impediment- stuttering. Older women have always had more patience with me than girls my age. They seem more understanding and less judgmental. And my wife fits that description to a tee. She really is kind and sweet, and I’m very drawn to that. And she doesn’t treat me like I’m dumb because of the stuttering.

2) I’m an optimist. I always want to think things will work out. Its like when I buy shoes that seem kind of tight, I hope they’ll loosen up after I wear them a while, because I don’t want to take them back. But marriage isn’t a pair of shoes, so it’s a bad analogy, but it describes my personality of always hoping for the best.

3) I knew she needed me. I’m not very good at turning blind eye once I see somebody in need. I’m either a sucker or my heart is too big for its own good.

4) She made me feel loved and appreciated like nobody else ever did.

5) I’ve always been attracted to older women, but I’ve never been comfortable with it because it felt wrong and I was always afraid of what people would think of me. I was hoping those feelings would go away after we got married but they didn’t.

6) I never thought she was unattractive and I’m still attracted to her today. I just feel weird about it.

7) She lied to me before I met her, and that was wrong, but I forgave her. And I knew exactly who she was when I agreed to marry her. I just thought I’d be able to deal with it better than I have.

I think a big part of my problem is that I don’t know how to express my feelings to her. Part of it is because of my stuttering. Another part is because I’m just afraid of what she’ll think of me. For example, I was surprised when I found out she smoked, but it was never a deal breaker with me. As a matter of fact, I think she looks sexy when she smokes. I know that sounds weird and it is weird, which is why I’ve never said anything about it to her. And if I did try to say something, it would probably come out all wrong. It’s the same thing with her age. I like the way she looks. It makes me feel funny. But I like it and I feel guilty about it. Trying to spit it out the way I talk would make look crazy. I think I’d probably feel like that with anyone I was with, because I felt that way with my first wife.

I agree with the others above - you need outside help to sort out all of these issues. There's too much going on on a much deeper level which will not be solved on your own.

1) I’m not good with women. I’m very shy, and I have a speech impediment- stuttering. Older women have always had more patience with me than girls my age. They seem more understanding and less judgmental. And my wife fits that description to a tee. She really is kind and sweet, and I’m very drawn to that. And she doesn’t treat me like I’m dumb because of the stuttering.

When I read the above it gives me the impression of someone looking for a mother figure, someone who would love you like a mother loves a child. Would you agree with that?

But your shyness and stuttering didn't hinder you from finding your first wife.

I agree, you married a prototype of your own mother. I'd explore that with a therapist.

Suggestions

—You are able to write out your ideas clearly. So use writing as your tool. With your wife-and with your therapists.

Perhaps look into the online therapists (advertised on tv). That would all be on text anyway I think.

I agree with the others above - you need outside help to sort out all of these issues. There's too much going on on a much deeper level which will not be solved on your own.

 

 

When I read the above it gives me the impression of someone looking for a mother figure, someone who would love you like a mother loves a child. Would you agree with that?

I don’t think that’s a fair question the way you phrased it. I think “LOOKING FOR” and “SETTLING FOR” are two different things.

When I changed my dating profile to Looking for a non-smoker 10 to 20 years my senior, that describes a mother figure, but not a replica of my mom. I was not looking for a woman who would love me the way a woman loves a child, so I don’t agree with what you suggested. I knew exactly what I was looking for, but I chose a woman who didn’t fit the description of what I was looking for, and I rationalized my decision by hoping it would work out.

I do admit I was looking for a “mother figure”, and I believe that made me vulnerable to accepting a woman who was more similar to my mother than I was really comfortable with. Believe me when I say she didn’t twist my arm to marry her. I had a choice, but my thought process and my decision making process was tainted.

As a kid, I knew how bullying made me feel and I knew how compassion made me feel. I know my comfort zone and attraction to older women goes back to the way I was treated by adults when I was younger. My mother’s friends, my teachers, my neighbors… they were all mature, nurturing, compassionate women. That’s the kind of “mother figure” I was looking for. My wife fits that description, but she also exceeds it.

Getting back to your original question, I did SETTLE FOR a woman who loves me the way a woman loves a child. YES, YES, and YES! My mother and my wife share many of the same compassionate qualities and that’s a great thing as far as I’m concerned. But their similar ages (mom is 62 and wife is 67) and the fact that they’re both heavy smokers is too much of a coincidence.

I knew she was too identical to my mother when I married her. But I was so emotionally drunk on the love that I tricked myself into believing that maybe no one would notice the obvious similarities and that I would get over and past the similarities myself.

I do love my wife and I’m very attracted to her. My problem is that I’m ashamed and embarrassed by my love for her. I feel like I’m walking around with a huge sign on my back that says a lot of disparaging and immoral things about me. I just want to get that sign off my back. Divorce is an option, but I know it wouldn’t be good for her and I’m not sure it would be good for me either. I try to convince myself that I was vulnerable and allowed myself to settle for the extreme, but there’s another voice that whispers to me that I really wanted this. And if so, that doesn’t say much for me.

Not surprisingly, the biggest problem I deal with is my relationship with my parents, especially my mother. My parents were disappointed in my decision to get married, but they supported it and have been nothing but kind, cordial, welcoming, and polite to my wife- even though I know it disturbs them. I’ve lost track of how many times they’ve told me that they want me to be happy.

My mother has tried to broach the subject with me multiple times. I’m naturally tongue tied from the stuttering, and if anyone can understand me it’s her, but I would have a difficult time talking to her about this without a speech impediment.

I’ve got to go, or I’ll be late for work. This definitely feels unfinished.

It sounds like you've got a good handle on the real issue, which is your own internal conflict about your preferences. You know, I really don't see anything wrong with it. Prefer what you prefer and feel good about it. Personally, it makes me happy to see people living out loud in their life. You're not hurting anyone, are you?

Since you are now clearly saying that you love the love and nurturing you get from your wife, you’re attracted to her, etc I also applaud you for figuring out what you want in life and getting it. It would be a shame if you ended it just because of what others think or what you imagine they are thinking. You did marry her and your marriage should be respected by all.

The awful thing about this website is coming back the next day and reading what I wrote the day before and seeing what other people have to say. It’s a good thing, but it’s a bad thing too, because I see how totally F**ed up I am! It’s nothing new to me. I know what I’m like and who I am. But it looks and feels even more messed up when I stand away and look at it from another angle. I feel like I put myself up here to be judged by you and by myself.

Before I say anything else, I want to thank Jibralta and Chelsea for their comments after my last post. This isn’t about what will make me happy. It’s about trying not to be ashamed about what makes happy, and my wife makes me very happy. Without a doubt, she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I cringe over it, because of how it looks to other people and because I’m afraid to deal with it close to home with my parents. And that’s where it really counts.

I wish I could open up my mind and my heart to my parents and let them look inside. I wish I could make them feel what I feel instead of trying to explain it to them, because words don’t always describe the feelings. But I haven’t even tried to explain it to them. So much of this is plainly obvious, and I’m talking about the mother figure part. My parents know better than anything what I went though when I was younger. They see how gentle and compassionate my wife is with me. But I don’t know if that’s enough. The similarity between my mother and my wife is the biggest and most gigantic elephant in the room, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Do we all just walk around ignoring the elephant and pretending it doesn’t exist? Or do we talk about it? Will talking about it and acknowledging it make it worse or better? I have not even talked about this with my wife, because it’s so embarrassing! Absolutely! Sure! My wife knows I have mother issues. But for starters, they’re not bad issues? The issues are not rooted in abuse or neglect. For the most part, they’re very positive.

I have been tip toeing around my fears ever since my first post. So maybe it’s time to be blunt. Maybe I need to write this now and read it the next day. That big sign on my back that I wrote about yesterday has the word Oedipus written on it with big huge red block letters. And it bothers the living hell out of me. People don’t say it to me. But I know what they’re thinking. I know what my mom is thinking. And that’s why I have a difficult time making eye contact with her.

I don’t have those kinds of immoral feelings for my mother. And if I did have them, I would think they’re wrong. This is where I wish I could open up myself and expose my feelings instead of trying to put them in words. This is also the thing that makes me doubt myself. People have a tendency to tell you what you want to hear. I’ll admit that Chelsea and Jibralta told me what I wanted to hear. What if all along I’ve been telling myself what I want to hear about this? How do you deal with something like that? Do you accept it and convince yourself that its okay and just live with it? Or do you try to erase it with divorce or annulment and pretend it never happened? And if you do that, do you ignore the consequences? She needs me. And I know that I need her. Even if I divorced her, I couldn’t ignore those needs. They would haunt me forever.

I spend a lot of time thinking about “what if’s”. What if my wife did this, unlike my mother does it? What if my wife didn’t do this, the way my mother does it? What can I do to get my wife to be unlike my mother? What can I get my wife to do or not do that would get that damn sign off my back? How fair is that? How realistic is that? And would it even work? How can I take the easy way out and avoid dealing with the feelings that aren’t going anywhere?

Honesty is supposed to be a good thing. But is there a limit on it? Does honesty become toxic to a point? As far as I’m concerned, honesty is important to me. I’m trying to be as honest as I can with myself because ignoring it is not helping one bit. Ignoring it is making it worse. But how much honesty should I share with my wife or with my mother? Are some things best left alone? Are some questions best left unanswered- just to be wondered about? That doesn’t seem to be working either.

And now it’s time to leave for work again and this is going to take up all sorts of room in my head the way it has done for months. This elephant follows me everywhere.

Its not all about the age - its the fact that you moved someone in and married them without even knowing them. Why when they revealed their age and smoking habits on the first date did you not walk away? I mean, if a guy smoked and lied bout his age by 10-15 years, the first date would be the last unless i called a friend to rescue me. The alarm went off inside you but you forced yourself to go on a second date out of duty or out of desperation. There is a wide gap between being attracted to older women and turning a blind eye to things that affect you well being. There are plenty of active, vital, women who are 50-ish that you could date that are honest.

At 2 months, i would get the marriage annulled/get a divorce.

3) I knew she needed me. I’m not very good at turning blind eye once I see somebody in need. I’m either a sucker or my heart is too big for its own good.

You need to look up codependency.

You are fighting a stigma that you must realize most people in the world are too busy to have any care about. Just for example—consider past & current struggles of hay couples, or mixed race or religion couples sorting out their family’s reactions. You can understand that these are just people who love each other and perhaps the decided to get married based on their love. What is so different about your situation?

I’d say the difference is you have two conflicting thought processes. One is focused on what you want, which is your wife and marriage. The other is is a script you or someone else gave you which constantly tells you that what you want is bad. You need to get yourself to a therapist to sort it out and banish the script.

Please also try to get your wife to quit smoking for both of your health.

And. I didn’t say these things because it’s what you want to hear.

Its not all about the age - its the fact that you moved someone in and married them without even knowing them. Why when they revealed their age and smoking habits on the first date did you not walk away? I mean, if a guy smoked and lied bout his age by 10-15 years, the first date would be the last unless i called a friend to rescue me. The alarm went off inside you but you forced yourself to go on a second date out of duty or out of desperation. There is a wide gap between being attracted to older women and turning a blind eye to things that affect you well being. There are plenty of active, vital, women who are 50-ish that you could date that are honest.

 

At 2 months, i would get the marriage annulled/get a divorce.

 

3) I knew she needed me. I’m not very good at turning blind eye once I see somebody in need. I’m either a sucker or my heart is too big for its own good.

 

You need to look up codependency.

I second this post. These are the issues which need to be looked at and sorted out, because they will be carried forward into every future relationship (imo).

I have been tip toeing around my fears ever since my first post. So maybe it’s time to be blunt. Maybe I need to write this now and read it the next day. That big sign on my back that I wrote about yesterday has the word Oedipus written on it with big huge red block letters. And it bothers the living hell out of me. People don’t say it to me. But I know what they’re thinking. I know what my mom is thinking. And that’s why I have a difficult time making eye contact with her.

 

I don’t have those kinds of immoral feelings for my mother. And if I did have them, I would think they’re wrong.

For a long time in the US, interracial couples had to hide their relationships. Gay couples had to hide their relationships. Someone said, "Interracial is wrong. Gay is wrong." And people listened. Even the gay and interracial couples accepted it. But some people didn't accept it, and slowly things began to change.

There's nothing wrong with preferring much older women. It's just uncommon. If this relationship works for you, then I suggest you get comfortable with yourself and your preferences. Your preferences are part of who you are. If you pretend to be someone you're not, just to satisfy what you think people are thinking, you're going to make yourself miserable. Despite what you think, you really don't know what everyone is thinking. Chances are, people are more accepting than you think they are.

There is no one "right" way to conduct a relationship. As long as it is between consenting adults and there is no abuse or one partner harming the other, who is anyone to judge?

I know a couple where the woman has known the man since he was in grade school. She not only is much older, but she is extremely overweight (like, 600 pounds). Lots of people didn't understand when she married the young man she used to babysit. And lots of people didn't understand how he could be physically attracted to such an older, morbidly obese woman. But they're happy together, so what others think isn't relevant.

I know another age-gap couple, where they started seeing one another when she was 32 and he was 18. They just celebrated 17 years of marriage.

So, if it's a problem in YOUR mind, get some clarity by working with a therapist. Yes, it's a little on the odd side that you seem to have chosen a woman so very much like your mother. But again, that is something you can explore with a therapist to better understand yourself and your choices.

Its not all about the age - its the fact that you moved someone in and married them without even knowing them. Why when they revealed their age and smoking habits on the first date did you not walk away? I mean, if a guy smoked and lied bout his age by 10-15 years, the first date would be the last unless i called a friend to rescue me. The alarm went off inside you but you forced yourself to go on a second date out of duty or out of desperation. There is a wide gap between being attracted to older women and turning a blind eye to things that affect you well being. There are plenty of active, vital, women who are 50-ish that you could date that are honest.

 

At 2 months, i would get the marriage annulled/get a divorce.

 

3) I knew she needed me. I’m not very good at turning blind eye once I see somebody in need. I’m either a sucker or my heart is too big for its own good.

 

You need to look up codependency.

I copied this entire post because for one thing, I guess I didn’t explain my situation very well. And the other reason is because it kind of leap frogs into the issues (not a problem) that I have with her smoking.

By the way, my wife’s name is Mary. I feel bad about referring to her with pronouns.

Abitbroken, you accurately described the kind of woman I was looking for when I made my dating profile- nonsmoker between 50 and 55. I chose this group because as you said, in general I would have expected active, and vital, yet mature.

You asked why I didn’t walk away when I saw that Mary was 67 and a smoker? Yes, the alarm did go off inside my head, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. I was not turned off by her age and I was not turned off by her smoking. The alarm in my head had nothing to do with her lying to me, although I doubt I would have gone out to visit her if she had told me the truth. I understand why she lied about her age, her smoking, and her financial strength. She didn’t have cable TV, so I don’t think she got inspired by watching Catfish. She was lonely. She thought I was cute. She knew we weren’t a match, but I was looking to meet someone older. I don’t think it was a game to her, but she didn’t think she was hurting anyone by corresponding with me, and she didn’t think I’d travel a thousand miles to call her bluff. Eight months is a long time to play a game. Real feelings start to emerge after eight months. Like I said earlier, she hoped I would forgive her “white lies” after I got to know her.

Alarm bells signify danger. I knew right away that Mary was dangerous because she was so similar to my mother. She was five years older than my mom and she smoked like my mom. When most people hear an alarm bell, they run away. I didn’t run away. I ran right into her arms…because subconsciously, she was and is everything I ever wanted in a woman, but was afraid to admit until just recently.

The alarm bells didn’t stop ringing after I introduced Mary to my parents or after I married her two months ago. The alarm bells consist of shame and embarrassment because in a figurative and visual sense, I married my mother. When I first posted here, I thought about turning off the alarm by divorcing her or annulling our marriage. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t want to do that because I need her as much as she needs me. I think some people, including yourself, called that codependency. If so, what’s so bad about that? Aren’t successful marriages and partnerships based on a mutual fulfillment of needs?

The other day, I started writing about “what if’s”. What if my wife did this, unlike my mother does it? What if my wife didn’t do this, the way my mother does it? What can I do to get my wife to be unlike my mother?

Their similarities are internal and external. Internally or in terms of their personalities, they’re both strong, dominant women, who seem to know what’s best for everyone. They’re both kind, compassionate, and affectionate. Externally, they don’t look like sisters, but they both have gray hair, large breasts, paunchy bellies, and big hips, and they both smoke like furnaces.

Thinking about the “what if’s” are an exercise in futility because I know you can’t change people. You either resist them or accept them as they are. Chelsea suggested that I convince Mary to stop smoking. I laughed when I read that, not because it’s not a “good and healthy wish”, but because that’s a big issue with me and because she’s never going to quit. She is exactly like my mom in that regard. They both say what’s politically correct about wanting and needing to quit, but it’s just lip service. Neither one of them has any real desire to quit.

Mary and my mother both smoke the same brand of cigarettes- More Menthol 120s, the long brown cigarettes in the green pack. My mother has smoked them for as long as I can remember, so I strongly associate them with her. They stand out because you don’t see them a lot. My dad has to special order them from the grocery store for her and I do the same for Mary.

When I met Mary, she was smoking generic menthol cigarettes, because that’s what she could afford. If I have time, I’ll get into my childhood issues with smoking and how they affect my marriage, but for now, I want to finish what I started. Mary ran out of her generic cigarettes on the night I took her to meet my parents. As you can imagine, everyone was extremely stressed about the introduction. The stress of introducing Mary to my parents was enough to make me remember that night for as long as I live, but it became more infamous to me because of the smoking.

My mother was very strict about not wanting me to smoke or be friends with smokers when I was growing up. She was just being a good mom, but she probably went a little overboard with it. I think I was just as nervous about Mary being a smoker as I was about her age, because of how I grew up.

Like all mothers, mine was/is a bit of hypocrite. She was a “Do as I say and not as I do” kind of hypocrite. She lectured me constantly about not smoking. Phrases from my childhood include: I wish I had never started. I would quit if I could. If I had known then what I know now. Smoking is an adult habit. Only grown-ups should smoke. Only bad kids smoke. Trashy girls smoke…

I was a kid and I was very impressionable. My mother instilled the fear of God into me about smoking. At the same time, she instilled a sense of curiosity and fascination, because she turned it into a taboo.

I was never good with girls, but when I was a junior in high school, a very plain and unpopular girl asked me to take her to the homecoming dance. I said yes, even though I knew my mother wouldn’t approve of this girl because she smoked. Like most things, I hoped it would fly under the radar and be okay. I didn’t tell my parents right away about my date. The girl bought a very expensive dress. She was very excited about going to that dance. I told my parents a week before the dance, because I needed a new suit and because I didn’t have the money for the tickets, and it wasn’t like I could sneak out.

When I told my parents who I was taking to Homecoming, my mother knew who she was, and she knew she smoked. She told me I couldn’t see her. I had to tell that girl I couldn’t take her to the dance after she spent the money on her dress, but I couldn’t tell her why I couldn’t take her. That would have been too embarrassing. I stuttered like a lunatic when I told her I couldn’t take her to the dance and I couldn’t give her a reason why I couldn’t take her. It sucked, and I felt humiliated. I’m sure getting rejected like that and not knowing why couldn’t have been good for her self-esteem either.

Mary was the first and only smoker I’ve ever dated. And yeah, the alarm bells went off when I saw how old she was and that she smoked. The bells screamed, “Oh no!” and “Oh yes!” at the same time. And of course, I only wanted to hear the “Oh yes!” bells.

I would describe our first kiss as terribly gross and terribly exciting. I was terribly excited by the idea of kissing a smoker because it was such a big taboo with me. And of course, I was terribly grossed out by the taste of our first kiss for obvious reasons. I’m absolutely certain that I was motivated by the taboo to turn the negatives into positives. On one hand, I was dating the bad-girl smoker that my mother had always warned me about. On the other hand, I was dating a woman who smoked just like my mom. I remember feeling very important and accomplished, the first time I lit her cigarette. She thought I was being a gentleman and said so. She didn’t know what a big deal it was to me. I’ve never mentioned these things to Mary, and I’m sure she’s oblivious to it. Since Freud has been on my mind a lot, I’ll say that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes a cigarette is just a cigarette. But in some cases, like mine, it has deeper meaning.

Okay, so I wound up taking the time to visit my childhood issues about smoking. I was uncertain about sharing that, but I think it’s important. Getting back to the day when I introduced Mary to my parents and I told them we were engaged, I said that Mary forgot to bring her cigarettes. Obviously, my mother came to her rescue and gave Mary one of her cigarettes.

I don’t think Mary put 2 and 2 together like I did. To her, a cigarette was just a cigarette. She loved my mom’s cigarettes. Turns out she used to smoke them herself back when she could afford them. Mom gave Mary an entire pack and she took it home with us. Mary loved them so much that she asked if I could buy them for her. Remember those alarm bells? The bells were deafening, but I loved the sound of them. My trouble with the bells is that I don’t know if anyone else can hear them, and I worry that they will. I especially worry about my mother hearing them.

I seriously doubt my mother expected Mary to change to her brand when she politely gave Mary one of her packs. If it bothers her to see Mary smoking the same cigarettes she smokes, she never said so to me. For all I know, I’m just being paranoid. Like I said, I think Mary is oblivious to the connection. The only thing my mother ever said about Mary’s smoking was when she asked if it bothered me that Mary smokes. I told her it doesn’t.

I’ve reached the point in my thought process that my marriage is about having my cake and eating it too or having my cake and not eating it. Either way, I’m going to keep the cake, which is my marriage.

The two people that I’m most concerned about are my wife and my mother. I feel like a criminal who is being interrogated by the cops, even though they’re not interrogating me. But they might be thinking about it, and maybe I’m being paranoid, but neither one of them is stupid. The criminal always feels better when he confesses. The load is lifted from him, but then he’s escorted to prison.

When I think about therapy, I think about a person who needs help figuring out why they feel the way they do and how that relates to the decisions they make. I wouldn’t tell a therapist any more or any less than I’ve told anyone who reads this. I feel better because I’ve placed my issues on the table by writing somewhat publicly about them. However, I don’t know if that’s enough, because I haven’t put it out on the table for the two most important women in my life, for fear of their reaction. But the elephant in the room is still there. If I see it, they have to see it too. Don’t they?

I’m going to say one more thing about the smoking before I go to work. I’ve never outgrown my childhood curiosity. I never tried a cigarette when I was living at home, because my mom watched me like a hawk when I lived at home. I never tried a cigarette after I moved away from home, because my mother’s words haunted my conscience, and I never put myself in a situation where cigarettes were easily available. That’s not the case now that I’m married. I think about it a lot now. But I don’t sneak one because I’m afraid of getting caught. And I’ve never asked Mary to try a puff from her cigarette, because that would be like asking my mother, and I’m sure as hell not going to do that. But then again, Mary isn’t my mother.

This is like one step forward and two steps back.

A therapist can help you deal with the "shame and embarrassment" you feel for what you describe as marrying your mother.

I found an therapist online today who agreed to email and chat communication because of my stutter. I sent her copies of my letters that I posted here. Have not heard back from her yet, but hopefully will by Monday, maybe even tomorrow. Kind of nervous about it, which is why I am not asleep. Therapist is local so I can visit in person or bring Mary with me if necessary. I am hoping i won't have to do either.

That's good. Make sure you find a therapist that you are comfortable working with.

Consider this. You do not smoke but you are probably addicted to second hand smoke.

I was reading your last long post & it made me recall a time after both of my parents had quit smoking together; when I was sitting across the table from friends who were smoking—what an unexpected thrill to inhale their exhaled smoke!

Some of your description of various bells going off sounds like an addiction asking to be fed or being met.

I’m glad you’re sticking with your marriage. You’ve said many times how much you love Mary and it doesn’t matter one iota about the “why” of it. But part of her allure just might be her smoking & 2nd hand smoke.

I heard back from my therapist on Friday. Emailing the letters I wrote here helped…but not enough. She wants to see me in person on Monday. The appointment will be for me alone…but she wanted me to tell Mary that I’m seeing a therapist because she wants to see us as a couple and separately after my solo appointment.

Doing in person therapy was not what I had in mind, so I’m kind of disappointed, but I’m very aware of the problems that happen when you do something halfass. My marriage is the most important thing to me and I know I need therapy to be able to enjoy it and not feel guilty about it. The same goes for Mary. I broached the subject of therapy with her last night and she is all for it.

She and I don’t communicate as well as we could and should. When I told her about seeing a therapist for our marriage, the first thing she thought was that our marriage was in trouble and that I wanted a divorce. I don’t blame her for thinking that because she gets paranoid too. She can tell I’ve been bothered, but since I won’t talk about what’s bothering me, she naturally assumes it’s because of the age difference or because I’m unhappy with her.

Last night was good for us. I didn’t go into details because the therapist suggested that I keep it in general and stick to the goal rather than the issues that are keeping me from reaching my goal. I told Mary point blank that she’s the best thing that ever happened to me and that I love her more than life itself. I told her that I love her and that I’m attracted to her and that everything about her is perfect and that I wouldn’t change a thing about her. I let her know that I want to stay married to her until death does us part, just like we said in our wedding vows. I also told her that I would be by her side through anything and that I was fully committed to our marriage. I told her all the things I hoped she knew and assumed, but I said them to her face. It just took me a long time to get the words out (LOL).

I did give her a preview of the therapy without going into all the details about my mother issues. I told her it was age-related and that I needed therapy to deal with what I think people are saying or thinking behind our backs because of the age gap.

Guess what? It bothers her too and she has similar concerns and problems with our age difference. But…and this is the big but that I wanted to hear. She loves me too and she wants to stay married to me for the rest of her life. I liked hearing her say that to me as much as she liked hearing me say it. That was big, good, and important. We both cried last night but they were good and happy tears.

Last night was good for us as a couple and today has been great too. I think we both felt a lot of relief knowing that we both want to be together. And when I put it like that, I really shouldn’t be bothered that my therapist put me up to the in-person therapy sessions and telling my wife.

That was big for me because I’m so used to keeping things inside myself and not sharing them. I carry a lot of secrets with me and those secrets get heavy. I have to keep reminding myself that my secrets aren’t bad secrets. They are definitely weird and I don’t believe they’re normal, but it’s not like I killed anyone or want to kill anyone. My secrets are about wanting to be happy and in love with the woman I’m married to.

I don’t think any of this is going to be easy to talk about, but after last night and today, I think we’re both going to feel better about us as a couple. Today feels good!

I don’t know how far therapy will take me in terms of brutal honesty. That’s one of the things we’re going to discuss on Monday. The therapist said a lot of that depends on Mary and what she’s capable of handling. The third spoke in the wheel is my mom and I don’t know where she fits in- if at all. I just know I want to be able to look her in the eye when she talks to me. And I want her to know I love her and that how I feel about Mary doesn’t change the way I’ve always thought about her.

Here's the thing, if you are ok with her that's all that matters. You barely know each other so perhaps your doubts are more due to that factor.

Consider this. You do not smoke but you are probably addicted to second hand smoke.

I was reading your last long post & it made me recall a time after both of my parents had quit smoking together; when I was sitting across the table from friends who were smoking—what an unexpected thrill to inhale their exhaled smoke!

Some of your description of various bells going off sounds like an addiction asking to be fed or being met.

I’m glad you’re sticking with your marriage. You’ve said many times how much you love Mary and it doesn’t matter one iota about the “why” of it. But part of her allure just might be her smoking & 2nd hand smoke.

Thanks, Chelsea. Reading your post meant a lot to me and I wanted you to know that. I don’t know if it’s possible to become physically addicted to second-hand smoke, but it appears that I’m emotionally addicted to it. And I definitely agree with what you said about her smoking and the second-hand smoke being a part of her allure to me. If I were pressed to define the allure, I’d say it was strength, confidence, and maturity. Those things are sexy to me, and that’s the way I perceive her when she smokes. Weird but true.

The therapist didn’t say anything about Mary’s smoking on Friday. But I’m sure it’s bound to come up at some point. Like I said, I’d be happy and supporting if Mary chose to quit for her own health because I think it would mean more healthy years together. But she’s been very vocal about not wanting to quit “now”. She says that if she is going to quit it’s going to be because she wants to quit in her own time and not because someone tells her to. At the same time, I know she’s self-conscious about it because I don’t smoke. For the most part, I’ve played it safe by not saying much about it either way. I don’t know how she would react if I admitted I have positive feelings about her smoking.

I’m pretty sure smell plays a bit part in how I feel. I’ve always heard aromas and smells trigger good memories and bad memories. For me, its good memories about my mother. It also obviously triggered the taboos and curiosity from my teenage years.