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Questions that keep picking at my mind...


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Heya forum,

A little over 6 months since he left, I'll save the story but pretty much I'm still a mess. Not as bad as initially, but a lot of new questions have been flooding my mind the last few days and I really need to get them out there:

 

1. (Not at all to sound selfish) I am an EXTREMELY sweet and affectionate person. My ex's and I's origin story is literally from a fairy tale (all of our friends and family always called it that when we told our story). So why did he have to make himself hate me so much after he left? Like he treaed me as if I killed someone, when liertally in his room was a $60 promise ring I gave him and multiple letters to make him feel good while I was away (it was LDR). He also turned his friend against me. I am nothing but a sweet person and I still to this day wanna be good friends with him again. Why can't I be sweet to him and all his friends again? I'm willing to swallow it all and help work it out with him if he wants to, although he ruined my life since he left, I'm such a good person that I can quickly (not forgive) but restart.

 

2. Why do I have to hate him? A main piece of advice I've gotten along this time was that I need to hate him and block him and everything. Yes, he is not very affectionate and cannot hold a relationship. But I met his whole family and they all loved me, same with his friends. I don't hate him and I dont want to hate him.

 

3. Why can't there be a happy ending? I'm off to college soon so I'll never be able to actually go out with him again, but why can't we get close once again and reminisce all of the amazing time and all the great things we did. Our relationship stood for a lot and we went on many adventures. But now all of a sudden it's never to be spoken of again.

 

4. How can I go about asking him for a restart? (as ask to have a adiolague again) Again it's been 6 months and I don't plan on talking to him for another 4 months before I leave for UND. But I hope over the 10 months that we go never talking he will be able to forget about what I said when he left (again, I was a mess because I still loved him). But yeah, in my mind theres still a lot about him I'm interested in, and his intersts and his hobbies. I'm not at alllll talking about begging for him back, but I legit like him as a person, and his friends, and I'm interesting and nice, I dont see why the thought of restarting is taboo or is so hated by everyone.

 

Thank you... I'm sure I'll have more but I've been feeling (not sad), but very melancholy these past few days. But overall I've made a TON of progress compared to the end of last year.

Dmitri.

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I'm starting to think to think I'm the only one not pining over my ex around here anymore lol.

 

You don't have to hate him, and you can forgive him because that puts you at peace.

But wanting friendship, it usually doesn't work. You're reminiscing back to better times and having good thoughts,

but the relationship you once had , its dead. You've been apart for a while so it's like even if you talked there's nothing to reset. You start from scratch basically. You are probably both different people in some ways now, and time apart most often kills feelings. I hope when you leave for college you have a great time and meet many new people, you'll find he will just fade out of your mind for the most part.

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Some things we don't get answers to, some questions we aren't entitled to ask. I still wonder why the people I called friends in school all faded me out (it still hurts and I'm more than ten years down the track with my own life and new friends).

 

Do the whys really matter with your ex? The end result will remain the same and it is that that chapter of your life has ended.

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Well, you didn't write much about your ex boyfriend, so I have to ask what did you argue about that you called him a lot of names. Quite often what the argument was about is what was wrong with the relationship.

 

One thing I sense about your post is it sounds like you are so sweet and affectionate, you could fall in love with The Beast in Beauty and The Beast. It's quite possible this was just the wrong guy to fall in love with. He didn't feel it with you. You have to keep in mind that we're not in complete control of our emotions and you may have loved him more than he loved you.

 

Also, where you're so young, these early relationships are often the deepest, but there's a fantasy element involved, especially in a long-distance romance. Boyfriends are rarely the Prince Charming girls are hoping for. And at 18 guys are immature and they mostly don't understand what girls want.

 

You're going to go to university. There's going to be plenty of interesting guys there. Stay no contact. Forget about this guy. New opportunities will open up for you soon.

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I would do anything for the chance to forget that we ever communicated knowing this is how it would be. I don’t know why I can’t shut up and move on. I just can’t. Him and his significance as a person to me is too great. It’s been over 6 months, and I don’t know when my mind will finally give up. I just need to talk to him again. Not to talk about the past, not to ask for another chance. But to just freaking talk.

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There would be no point in talking though, OP.

 

He knows you didn't want to break up, he knows you want him back, so he's doing the right thing by not keeping in contact as he knows even a casual chat would give you the wrong idea.

 

Unfortunately, being sweet does not guarantee a relationship will last. And based on what you wrote here and in other threads, you're confusing sweetness for emotional dependence on him.

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1. [...] I am an EXTREMELY sweet and affectionate person. [...] So why did he have to make himself hate me so much after he left?

It's unfortunate but common for people who are about to change a relationship to either act out and cause a confrontation to fuel anger that's seemingly disproportionate or otherwise latch onto any mistake, disagreement or perceived slight and stoke extreme anger out of that. People who haven't learned how to manage their emotions often reach for anger rather than allow themselves to experience alternative ways of coping. Anger is energizing, and justifying anger is distracting. That's why you'll often find coworkers or classmates who've gotten along well for years will suddenly have a major upheaval right before a job leave or a graduation. They just find anger easier to cope with than what's unknown.

 

2. Why do I have to hate him? A main piece of advice I've gotten along this time was that I need to hate him [...]

 

You don't need to hate him, and you won't. We can't always control who we love, but we can recognize that some people are best loved from far away. In this case, that's necessary out of respect for his wishes. This doesn't mean that his anger will be frozen in stone for the rest of your lives, it just means that the person who cares least controls the relationship. By telling himself that he's angry, he can pretend to care less, and that allows him to feel in control of this outcome. Trust that time and distance have healing powers, and a firmly held perception today isn't likely to be the same for either of you in the future.

 

3. Why can't there be a happy ending?

 

I've always found it helpful to trust the future to teach me whether I'll reconnect with someone on higher ground someday. People tend to cycle out and back into our lives over time. When you've lived long enough to enjoy some reunions, you'll come to trust this as part of a natural course. Meanwhile, it's up to each of us to focus on what we need to learn in order to reach higher ground on our own.

 

4. How can I go about asking him for a restart?

 

Avoid cornering him with such a question. People who feel cornered tend to react defensively with knee-jerk rejection, so skip that. Instead, you can leave him with an open statement that asks nothing from him. You can tell him that you'll always think of him as one of the best people you know, regardless of how he feels about you. If he ever decides that he feels less angry and more open to thinking of you fondly, he will always be welcomed if he wants to let you know.

 

Head high.

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