In a relationship for 3 years, crush on someone else for 6 years…

Hello everyone,

I’ve had a crush on someone for 6 years, and I am now 30 years old. When we first met he had a huge crush on me too. I cannot explain why, but ever since I met him, I feel like we’re supposed to be together. But he had a long term girlfriend so nothing happened even if we both admitted to one another that we liked each other.

For years we bump into each other and have that same amazing connection and attraction. He eventually splits up with his girlfriend, and finally asks me out. This time I’m the one in the committed relationship and reject his proposal as I am falling in love with someone else.

While I’ve been in a relationship for three years with a very good man, I’ve seen him be in short term relationships, sometimes with girls I know. If we bump into one another and we’re with our respective partners, we spend time talking with one another and still have that amazing connection. But we never talk online or over the phone, we just bump into each other and that’s it.

Recently I’ve had a lot of dreams about him. I cannot believe that six years in, I’m still totally into him. Otherwise, things are going super well with my boyfriend but I’ll admit I am bored and crave excitement. I just can’t get that other man out of my head. My crush and I have been talking online over the last few days for the first time. I haven’t seen him in a year. Our conversations are 100% platonic. He probably doesn’t even know I fancy him still, thinking I’m totally happy with my long term boyfriend. I recently heard that he's split up with his latest girlfriend.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether i should try and meet up with the guy, to see if there’s still something there. Should I be upfront with him? I’m afraid I’ll look pushy and obsessed. And I have no idea if he still feels the same towards me. And clearly this isn’t fair towards my boyfriend.

Thank you so much for reading.

Well, it's a tough decision. Do you want to give up the current boyfriend in favor of your long-term crush which may or may not last very long? And if it doesn't work out, your previous boyfriend probably won't take you back, so you're giving that up permanently. I have a feeling your crush feels something for you, since he's talking to you on the Internet. On the one hand, if you're not totally into your present relationship, it's not fair for your boyfriend. On the other hand, the usual answer would be to have an affair to see how it goes. But it's up to you depending on your morals and ethics. How deep do you feel it for your crush, and what are your feelings for your boyfriend?

Why do you feel you two have an amazing connection? It doesn't sound as though you have spent much time together in person (correct me if I'm wrong) so I am curious where these feelings are coming from.

Also, if things are stale with your boyfriend, seeking attention outside the relationship is going to lead to nothing but problems. Don't be that girl. Either address the monotony in your relationship and quit the chats with this other guy, or break up with your boyfriend.

I’ve seen him be in short term relationships,

Careful what you wish for.

It's easy to have chemistry with someone. It doesn't take any effort since it's biological. The fact he told you he had a crush on you when you first met, while he had a gf, shows he has poor relationship boundaries. And if his longest relationship has been something like 6 months, you can predict that's how long you two would last, since he might have a dating pattern that's consistent.

Why is your relationship stale. It takes two people to keep the spark going. If it's him that has let the ball drop, have you communicated your wishes, and ask for what you want to get the romance up to speed again? Or is it you that has let things fade away, because you don't care enough.

If you wouldn't want your bf to communicate with a woman he'd always wanted to date, but it never happened, then why are you crossing relationship boundaries and doing something that's horrible for your relationship? You can never go wrong with treating people the way you'd want to be treated. Either break up with your bf so he can eventually find a woman who is crazy about him, or inject some new life into your relationship (articles about that are abundant on the Internet) and stop communicating with the crush.

It seems to me that you are idealizing this guy. You are infatuated with your "idea of him". How close are you with this guy? How often have you hung out with him?

Otherwise, things are going super well with my boyfriend but I’ll admit I am bored and crave excitement

No wonder you are looking at an alternative. If you are bored, you aren't completely satisfied. What are you specifically bored of and what sort of excitement are you after? You don't need to answer those questions here, they are more for your self-reflection.

How deep do you feel it for your crush, and what are your feelings for your boyfriend?

Thanks for your reply. I guess I must feel quite deeply for the crush as it's been going on for so long. My boyfriend treats me like a queen, supports me emotionally and financially. The thing is the physical aspect is not there anymore, when it was really good at the beginning. I've felt rejected for two years and often I feel we're more like roommates than lovers, which is probably why the crush came back stronger recently. I don't feel intellectually stimulated either, which is something everyone has warned me about at the beginning. Friends and family sensed I needed more from from a bf, intellectually. The crush would be a better match for me from that standpoint. But I don't know if intellectual stimulation is more important than kindness and patience...

Why do you feel you two have an amazing connection? It doesn't sound as though you have spent much time together in person (correct me if I'm wrong) so I am curious where these feelings are coming from.

 

It's true, i don't have much to rely on apart from that weird random sense that we should be together. Maybe it's just lust, but it's been going for 6 years and generally my crushes last at most a week...

Seems that's all he's good for.

 

Careful what you wish for.

Apart from the four year relationship he was in when i met him, he's only been in shorter relationships... I do wonder why and i guess it's not a good sign.

It's easy to have chemistry with someone. It doesn't take any effort since it's biological.

I agree. And it probably says more about what i am missing in my current relationship.

My boyfriend is very committed to me but somehow I feel a little trapped. It's maybe just me being selfish and craving excitement, but I wonder if there wasn't something there from the very beginning telling me that eventually I would get bored. Because in this relationship, despite all the love and kindness and support I get from him, i am not intellectually stimulated. We don't have much of a mental connection, and everyone could see it at the beginning. I was told by so many people that within three years I'd get bored because of this, and now it's happening i feel very silly.

Why was everyone around you telling you that you would get bored of your boyfriend? It seems like an odd observation to come out of the blue. What was the context of these comments?

I think you are projecting your desire to be desired on to your crush. You haven't spent much time together, so the mystery is fuelling your excitement. You're confusing that mystery for some sign he must be a good match for you. Not necessarily true at all. I think it's been going on a long time because you've been bored in your relationship a long time too. You want to be wanted, as we all do, and you are assuming your crush would satisfy that desire. He might - or he might turn out to get bored of you after the itch has been scratched, but that isn't the real problem.

The real problem is that you don't sound like you really want to be in your relationship anymore.

Late response but if I were you I'd go out with this other guy. Sounds like your relationship has run it's course otherwise you wouldn't be putting so much thought into the other guy. If you don't go out with this other guy you may regret it later on...