Boyfriend being selfish?!

Hello

Please bare with me, I am new to this forum.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for many years and we met when he lived in my city. He was having financial issues and was homesick so had to go back home due to this problem. I said I’d stand by him and just see him on weekends which we managed to do for 7 months. I eventually left my city and moved to his to be with him in June of last year.

I was recently diagnosed with depression due to many issues of my own. I’ve been signed off for several weeks to get myself back on the mend as it’s been building up for a few years.

I’m thinking of moving back to my home city to get myself sorted, this could be several weeks or months and then I’ll move back to his city to start a fresh. Plus, I too will have financial issues as I’m thinking of leaving my job and getting one in my home town until I’m ready to move back. He’s said several times in the past if I ever move back to my city he’ll leave me.

I don’t see how this is fair?

I stood by him when he moved back but now it’s my turn (which will not be permanent) he wants to threaten me with this.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I can’t rant to him about this and I need advice from the outside in.

Many thanks guys

I think you need to work on yourself, and lose the guy. Yes. he is selfish.

Do what you need to do. Move home and take care of what you need/want to take care of. Yes, it's unfair for anyone to expect someone to stick around for an indefinite amount of time while they "sort themselves out". What is the real reason you are leaving him?

I’m thinking of moving back to my home city to get myself sorted, this could be several weeks or months and then I’ll move back to his city to start a fresh. Plus, I too will have financial issues as I’m thinking of leaving my job and getting one in my home town until I’m ready to move back. He’s said several times in the past if I ever move back to my city he’ll leave me.

Thank you for replying!

I’m not wanting to leave him, I’m just wanting to leave to get myself better before I come back and start a fresh, the issue is he is saying if I leave he’ll finish me.

We will still see each, only on weekends for the time being.

Yet, he knows I need to work on myself but pretty obviously isn’t supporting me at moving back

I think more information is needed

How long have you guys been together and how long ago was his instance/ Also are you guys living together now? and how far is it away? also how old are you guys

I mean just saying is together say 5 years and 4 years ago this happened with him and you guys been living together for 3 years it is kind of different instance then his no? therapy can be had anywhere and sometimes family don't understand how to help just saying

We’ve been together 5 years.

We used to live together and then he had financial issues and was homesick so he moved back and I had to move back in with my family before I eventually moved to his city which took 7 months to do due to finding an appropriate job, so we just saw each other on weekends until I moved there.

I didn’t have issues with it, if anything I thought it made us closer as the time we spent together was amazing and he felt the same.

We are both 26.

He lives approx 1 hour 30mins away from my hometown.

Find a new bf. He does not seem to care about your well being.

What other issues do you have with him? I think that there is a lot that you are not expressing.

It sounds like he is rather insecure, doesn't want to be without you and can't cope with having a long distance relationship and so is threatening what he thinks will be inevitable if you leave anyway. Reassure him that you will still be there for him, still love him etc but you need to do this for you. He could be just calling your bluff in hope that it works, but this isn't a nice thing to do to someone you love in the first place.

You must do what is best for you and stick to it. If you stick around because he's threatening leaving you, it could make you very bitter towards him as he's not supported you with doing what's best for you. It could all end in tears if you stay also.

We’ve been together 5 years.

 

We used to live together and then he had financial issues and was homesick so he moved back and I had to move back in with my family before I eventually moved to his city which took 7 months to do due to finding an appropriate job, so we just saw each other on weekends until I moved there.

 

I didn’t have issues with it, if anything I thought it made us closer as the time we spent together was amazing and he felt the same.

 

We are both 26.

He lives approx 1 hour 30mins away from my hometown.

based on that only 1.5 hours and the rest of the statement I would say take care of yourself. If he cant understand that then he is not the man for you. I know love hurts but at the same time you need to be number 1

I think also once threats are made then it is done. manipulation is not a good thing it is abuse a way of trying to control. Which in itself would not help a depressed person. you need to be number 1 to yourself

Thank you all for your replies.

He says he has his own life to worry about and doesn’t want to sit in work worrying about me, but I never told him to?

It all seems to be pretty much about how he’s feeling at the moment and not me.

He sounds like an azzhole. He is done. You will find much better!!!!!!

You're doing what's best for you.

I think you need to take care of you first and foremost. Anyone who says they'd dump you if you move away is not worth your time.

I respected his wishes when he moved back and saw him purely on weekends for 7 months. He has job security for life so finding a job wasn’t hard for him when he went back.

For me, it’s totally different it took me ages to find a job in his city and he stuck by me. He says he doesn’t understand mental health and doesn’t get why I can’t just be happy and ‘snap out of it’

What's not inherently selfish or being an ***hole: If, logistically speaking, the doubling of whatever distance that's itself significant distance overcomplicating the relationship to the point he feels it'd be impractical.

What is being an ***hole: Him seemingly presenting it in ultimatum form. If this is something you need to do, he should be nothing but encouraging of it, even if it means your relationship becomes unworkable. At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself, and that should come first. He, more than anyone, should be able to relate to that.

It's unclear why you have to go back to your city to live for this reason. It sounds like there are deeper relationship issues and unhappiness that's not being addressed. What do you mean "come back for a fresh start" when it took you 7 mos to organize getting there in the first place? What went wrong when you got there that requires you to move home?

Is there someone else in your hometown that you need to be there for? This is the only reason someone has to take a break, move away to another place to "think" and "start fresh". In essence you are telling him you want to break up but claiming it's "just a break" to "sort things out". No most people would not stick around for that without a reasonable explanation. "I need to work on myself" means break up and both you and he know this..

I’m just wanting to leave to get myself better before I come back and start a fresh. he knows I need to work on myself but pretty obviously isn’t supporting me at moving back

Because I’ve been signed off work and the job I have at the moment isn’t the best for my state of mind so I’m contemplating leaving.

I have rent to pay and I will not be able to afford my rent if I am without a job, that is another reason.

Well.... I'm going to hold off on calling him selfish or any other names being thrown around here. Still not enough info to leap to that conclusion.

You've been together 5 years, you are 26. Seems to me that you are both at a point where you should be building a life together, getting married, etc and not running home to mom and dad like children. So, what are your relationship plans and goals? Do you have any? Have you two actually had any serious conversations about that?

Seems to me that you are looking to simply uproot for an indefinite period of time, quit your job even though you already know that it took you months to find a job from previous experience, so how long should he be in limbo land waiting on you? What is in your home town that you can't get where you are at in terms of mental health care? You are also coming across a bit like playing a t$t for tat game. I did this for you so now I'm going to do this to you and you must agree.

I don't agree with the ultimatum that he threw at you, but again, hard to judge in terms of what other communication issues and relationship issues are going on between you. I'm sure there is more context. Ye olde your side, his side and the truth somewhere in the middle.

Does he know you intend to quit your job, so can't afford rent?

Because I’ve been signed off work and the job I have at the moment isn’t the best for my state of mind so I’m contemplating leaving.I have rent to pay and I will not be able to afford my rent if I am without a job, that is another reason.

Yes whenever I tell him this is a factor he just responds ‘ok’

We have conversations all the time about our future, kids etc and we both want the same things but both not at this moment in time.

If he says "ok" does this mean he is willing to support you financially if you stay there? Do you feel as though you cannot focus on yourself there? If not, why is this?

Would you get a job when you move back to your home town? Or would you be financially supported by your parents whilst you get yourself help?

I don’t think I would be financially supported by my parents.

I think if I was in my hometown or in his city I would probably still have to apply for some sort of job seekers allowance.

I have money saved but it wouldn’t stretch far due to the rent.

I love being in this city don’t get me wrong, but I don’t see how I could survive long without a job.

Then why go home if you can't pay rent anywhere? It seems you are homesick and what to be with your parents, no?

I don’t think I would be financially supported by my parents. I think if I was in my hometown or in his city I would probably still have to apply for some sort of job seekers allowance.

Yes I am homesick but I want to make this work in this new city but I don’t see how I can if I can’t afford the rent?

I would have to go home eventually wouldn’t I?

I think you're getting lost in the details. It sounds like he's trying to find an excuse to get out of the relationship and that you're not hearing that. You think that if I do this, or if I do that, this will please him and the relationship will be better. But this may be why your depression is acting up. You know he's not into you anymore.

You should probably admit that the relationship is over and you should do what is best for you. Quit your job, move back home. Do whatever you need to get better. And then you can start over with a new job and a new relationship.