Divorce-I'm scared

Hi everyone, where do i start? I've been married to my wife for nearly 9 years. We have 2 lovely kids. Last night wife tells me she wants separation/ divorce. She says she doesnt love me anymore. hearing that really heart. since she told me this i've been falling apart. I can barely focus.

A little background. My wife has always had severe self esteem issues. The issues are so bad that she often doesn't even want to go out. Because of her self esteem issues its often a source of our fights. I feel like its almost monthly. I've always tried to support her through the problem by listening, telling her she is beautiful (and she is) and showing her when we go out as a family the focus is us. We as a family are having a good time. Often times when we are out she accuses strangers of staring at her and making comments about her looks. When this happens she gets in a bad mood and we generally fight. As I said this has been going on for a long time and we fight regularly about this. Its gotten to the point where she is the one that has given up on us. She says by making her go out she feels resentment towards me. She tells me we are not compatible, she doesn't love me anymore and there is no hope. She says she just wants to live alone.

I feel so betrayed by her wanting to leave me. I've spent so many countless nights discussing her self esteem issues and supporting her through hard times. Also I feel I'm a good husband although not perfect. I help with laundry, do dishes, help kids with homework and help bathe them.

In the end I love her so much and I can't bare to lose her.

How can I get her back?

I would ask her if she is willing to go to marriage counseling and if she refuses, I would go for counseling by myself. The counselor can help guide you through this.

What does she perceive that people say about her when you are out in public? Does she seem paranoid to you? chi

I would ask her if she is willing to go to marriage counseling and if she refuses, I would go for counseling by myself. The counselor can help guide you through this.

 

What does she perceive that people say about her when you are out in public? Does she seem paranoid to you? chi

She doesn't want to go to counseling as she feels there is no hope.

When we are out in public she feels people are staring at certain features of her face that she is self conscience about. When this happens she just gets in this mood that is hard to get her out of.

I would definitely see a professional counselor to guide you through this. It sounds like she may be paranoid and his suffering from some type of mental problem. That is pretty difficult to deal with and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Are the children aware of what is going on? chi

I would definitely see a professional counselor to guide you through this. It sounds like she may be paranoid and his suffering from some type of mental problem. That is pretty difficult to deal with and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Are the children aware of what is going on? chi

The children are not aware of the situation. I feel so bad for them. They think everything is normal when its not.

Do you have any suggestions on how I can help the situation? I really hoping she changes her mind.

 

Do you have any suggestions on how I can help the situation? I really hoping she changes her mind.

I think that talking to a counselor is your best bet. A counselor can access her mental stability based on the input that you provide. I am concerned that if you do divorce the children will be in her physical custody, and I am not sure that is a good thing.

Is your wife capable of supporting herself? chi

So do you participate in these monthly arguments? I mean, when she says how terrible she is, you tell her she's beautiful, and she argues with you that she's terrible? I don't see how these arguments go. What are you saying back to her? Since she doesn't want to go out, are you forcing her to go out? You say you want to show her how happy you are as a family. So do you force her and the kids to go out when she doesn't want to? Are you forcing her to do other things as well?

I'm just trying to get a sense of what's happening here. But the bottom line is I would focus on what she's told you: making her go out makes her feel resentment towards you, that you're not compatible, she doesn't love you anymore and there is no hope." That's your ultimate answer. You should think about whether you are playing a part in these reasons.

I think that talking to a counselor is your best bet. A counselor can access her mental stability based on the input that you provide. I am concerned that if you do divorce the children will be in her physical custody, and I am not sure that is a good thing.

 

Is your wife capable of supporting herself? chi

Unfortunately she wont go to counselor. We actually tried going a few years back but when it was time for to hold herself accountable for her actions she stop going.

Im concerned about my kids well being.

How many days or weeks should wait before i speak to my wife

So do you participate in these monthly arguments? I mean, when she says how terrible she is, you tell her she's beautiful, and she argues with you that she's terrible? I don't see how these arguments go. What are you saying back to her? Since she doesn't want to go out, are you forcing her to go out? You say you want to show her how happy you are as a family. So do you force her and the kids to go out when she doesn't want to? Are you forcing her to do other things as well?

 

I'm just trying to get a sense of what's happening here. But the bottom line is I would focus on what she's told you: making her go out makes her feel resentment towards you, that you're not compatible, she doesn't love you anymore and there is no hope." That's your ultimate answer. You should think about whether you are playing a part in these reasons.

Do i force her? Not physically. I generally tell her to come with us and try not to worry about her insecurities. If the outing does not go well meaning her insecurities get the best of her i do get the blame for forcing her out. She argues we should just stay home while i argue for example that going to eat a restaurant is normal and try not to let her insecurities get the best of her.

I guess i am playing a part in all of this. So should i be confirming to her ways to avoid arguments?

Have you thought of getting counselling for yourself? Maybe a professional's outside opinion could give you a new perspective on the issue and help you to communicate with your wife more effectively. You don't have to tell her you're going or pressure her to go. Just do it for yourself and your marriage.

"As I said this has been going on for a long time and we fight regularly about this."

- When was the first time she complained, and how soon afterwards did the fights begin? Be specific.

How old are your children?

What was her childhood/parents like?

Describe her looks. Have the changed after childbirth?

Were you both compatible and free to marry?

It sounds like she is severely depressed but unwilling to drag herself out of the pit of it. When some people feel that low and just won't help themselves, they will push people away that say otherwise. That's what I've found in my experience. My wife (before she actually decided to get herself help) would say to me she didn't love me anymore or "why don't you just leave me then" like a martyr type syndrome in hope that I would and then she would be justified.

One thing I found helpful is being told that I can NOT fix her. She has to do it herself. Be there for support if ever she needs it but don't push it on her. Spend time on making you the best person you can be and making you happy.

Sadly if she is unwilling to go for counselling herself then there is nothing you can do.

Time and space can do wonders for people so maybe say to her that you will give her the space and you think she needs to spend time on herself to help herself. Suggest she maybe leaves the kids with you to take this time to focus on herself. Suggest that maybe you just take a break for now so it's not so final and then come back and check in with eachother to see if she still feels the same? If she agrees, you could suggest that she still keep in touch with the kids each day but maybe it best for you both not to speak unless she feels she wishes to.

Sometimes I think people are constantly in the thick of it with eachother and need space to gain a bit of perspective and work through things themselves without interruptions from others and having to care or think about others. Which would be a good reason to tell her to leave the kids with you. That way she can focus on herself only. Not worry about kids and you.

Try not to let this drag you under too. This sounds to me like it is her problem and she must fix it herself. It sounds to me as though you have done all you can to help. Make sure she knows you are there if she needs you but take this time to see a counsellor to work through things for yourself as others have suggested.

Stay strong! If not for your sake, your kids sake

Claire

It sounds like she is severely depressed but unwilling to drag herself out of the pit of it. When some people feel that low and just won't help themselves, they will push people away that say otherwise. That's what I've found in my experience. My wife (before she actually decided to get herself help) would say to me she didn't love me anymore or "why don't you just leave me then" like a martyr type syndrome in hope that I would and then she would be justified.

 

One thing I found helpful is being told that I can NOT fix her. She has to do it herself. Be there for support if ever she needs it but don't push it on her. Spend time on making you the best person you can be and making you happy.

 

Sadly if she is unwilling to go for counselling herself then there is nothing you can do.

 

Time and space can do wonders for people so maybe say to her that you will give her the space and you think she needs to spend time on herself to help herself. Suggest she maybe leaves the kids with you to take this time to focus on herself. Suggest that maybe you just take a break for now so it's not so final and then come back and check in with eachother to see if she still feels the same? If she agrees, you could suggest that she still keep in touch with the kids each day but maybe it best for you both not to speak unless she feels she wishes to.

 

Sometimes I think people are constantly in the thick of it with eachother and need space to gain a bit of perspective and work through things themselves without interruptions from others and having to care or think about others. Which would be a good reason to tell her to leave the kids with you. That way she can focus on herself only. Not worry about kids and you.

 

Try not to let this drag you under too. This sounds to me like it is her problem and she must fix it herself. It sounds to me as though you have done all you can to help. Make sure she knows you are there if she needs you but take this time to see a counsellor to work through things for yourself as others have suggested.

 

Stay strong! If not for your sake, your kids sake

 

Claire

Thank you very much for the advice. I feel as though she has given up on trying to resolve her self esteem and insecurities. She tells me people cant change and she accepts her issues. She tells me that she just wants to live alone and get away from me as im a constant reminder of her issues. My feeling is she knows her issues are a source of our problems and its just easier to leave the marriage than deal with her insecurities.

I feel so hurt that she can just leave me hanging like this despite knowing how i feel about her. She says im a good husband a father but she is tired of the fights and is worn out. She tells me ill be happier and that ill find someone better.

I feel like ive lost her. What do i do with the love i have for her? I recognize i will have see her bc of the kids and when i do how do i control these feelings?

Sorry to hear this but she's right. You need to stop beating her up about "her issues". It sounds like you try to make her feel like a freak and therefore you want to drag her everywhere to fix her. Just stop doing this. If and when she wants to get help for this, she will. It takes 2 to argue and you seem to keep needling her that any and all of this is her fault and her issue.

she accepts her issues. She tells me that she just wants to live alone and get away from me as im a constant reminder of her issues.

Sorry to hear this but she's right. You need to stop beating her up about "her issues". It sounds like you try to make her feel like a freak and therefore you want to drag her everywhere to fix her. Just stop doing this. If and when she wants to get help for this, she will. It takes 2 to argue and you seem to keep needling her that any and all of this is her fault and her issue.

I partially agree. I fight with myself about this thought all the time. Am i the problem. Should i just conform to her ways and only go out when she wants? But i look at my kids and not being able to go out and do normal things seem so unfair. And when the wife not out with us kids often ask why she cant be with us.

Does she work or interact with family or friends? Perhaps she is not extroverted or more of a homebody than you? Or perhaps she has agoraphobia or body dysmorphic disorder, who knows.

The bottom line is your confronting and forcing her and nagging "for the sake of the kids" is contributing to the problem and in fact harming them with your chronic fights more than if you learned to compromise and back off.

Also she stated she doesn't love you anymore and wants out. That can happen with or without anyone's "issues". All you can do is go to therapy alone and for yourself to deal with your issues.

Am i the problem. Should i just conform to her ways and only go out when she wants? But i look at my kids and not being able to go out and do normal things seem so unfair. And when the wife not out with us kids often ask why she cant be with us.

If she doesn't want to go out, you go out with the kids and have fun. As others are saying, you can't force her.

My wife also says things like that from time to time. "You'll find someone better" etc. It's a bit of a self preservation thing saying things like that I reckon.

You don't need to rid yourself of the love you feel for her. It will take time to become less painful for you. Of course it will hurt and you will feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. Definitely get the ball rolling and contact someone to get counselling lined up for yourself to help you through this hard time. This is your opportunity to focus on yourself and making you as happy as you can at this hard time. Its easy for us lot to say this will happen or that will but no one knows. All you know right now is she has told you she wants out and you must let her do this. You can make suggestions as I say that you would like it not to go straight to "divorce" stage as yet and just let her have the time and space to figure herself out.

I think it would be good for you to maybe start planning some fun things for you and the kids to do together and some things you're able to do with friends/family and of course, on your own. Maybe draw up a bucket list and tick a few things off of it.

Whatever you do, do not sit around driving yourself crazy waiting for her. Try to get out and about and not become a social recluse or a hermit.

Claire

Does she work or interact with family or friends? Perhaps she is not extroverted or more of a homebody than you? Or perhaps she has agoraphobia or body dysmorphic disorder, who knows.

 

The bottom line is your confronting and forcing her and nagging "for the sake of the kids" is contributing to the problem and in fact harming them with your chronic fights more than if you learned to compromise and back off.

 

Also she stated she doesn't love you anymore and wants out. That can happen with or without anyone's "issues". All you can do is go to therapy alone and for yourself to deal with your issues.

She interacts with family but she has few or no friends. We both know she has insecurity issues but how we deal with it is the million dollar question bc it can detrimental to herself as well as people around her.

How "we" deal with this is not the question you need to be asking. It is how she deals with this. She needs to do it herself and clearly trying to do it on her own isn't working. Or she's not actually trying to fix it in the first place. Unfortunately until she gets the help to help her work through her issues, it will stay as is.

How "we" deal with this is not the question you need to be asking. It is how she deals with this. She needs to do it herself and clearly trying to do it on her own isn't working. Or she's not actually trying to fix it in the first place. Unfortunately until she gets the help to help her work through her issues, it will stay as is.

Like others have stated. Perhaps im the problem for forcing and pushing the issue. Perhaps if i want this marriage to work i have to accept there is no solution and find other ways to navigate her issues. Am i crazy for thinking this?

Agree. We all have to do this. I mean what if she became disabled or something and was dealing the best she could? Would you run her around to every doctor in town to fix her to make it more comfortable for yourself? No of course not. You would get advice from a pro on how you can navigate/cope. Now if someone had an issue with drugs drinking etc, then the same issue applies, you leave or they decide to do something about it.

Perhaps if i want this marriage to work i have to accept there is no solution and find other ways to navigate her issues.

There could be a solution, but if you feel you have done all you can on your end for yourself, then for you, you have exhausted all options. If anything is to change, it has to come from her. She is the one that is saying she wants a divorce, not you.

Right now all this is just words. She probably has made statements before and didn't follow through so don't make this easy on her. By that I mean don't file for divorce, don't move out, don't give up, don't agree that it is hopeless.

If she is set on leaving then you cannot stop her but don't do it for her.

There are often one sided stories on here where one spouse has given up but the other has not and still wants to fight for the relationship. The most important thing to accept what you can and cannot control. You can control how you feel, the help you seek out, the attitude and air you show, the unwillingness to give up and the steps you can take to turn this around. If you do all you can control and it still ends you can know that you tried your best and go on with less regrets.

The things you cannot control are her mental state, her dark views, her defeatist attitude and her attempt to feel better by ejecting you out of her life.

The best advice I can give you right now are these few things:

-First decide if you really want to try and save the marriage. I know you love her but you are married to a person that has serious mental issues that WIIL NOT seek outside help and wants to become a hermit.

-If you want to fight for the marriage do it silently like a Ninja. Everything you do will be hidden and left to be discovered or noticed by her.

-If she is intent on leaving let her plan it out, pay for it, file the paperwork, arrange meetings to discuss custody and financials and generally handle every facet of breaking up the family. DO NOT feel sorry for and try and make it easy on her, divorce should be hard!

Let us know what you want to do (give it some thought before you answer) and we will help you try and slow or stop the slide.

Lost

Right now all this is just words. She probably has made statements before and didn't follow through so don't make this easy on her. By that I mean don't file for divorce, don't move out, don't give up, don't agree that it is hopeless.

 

If she is set on leaving then you cannot stop her but don't do it for her.

 

There are often one sided stories on here where one spouse has given up but the other has not and still wants to fight for the relationship. The most important thing to accept what you can and cannot control. You can control how you feel, the help you seek out, the attitude and air you show, the unwillingness to give up and the steps you can take to turn this around. If you do all you can control and it still ends you can know that you tried your best and go on with less regrets.

 

The things you cannot control are her mental state, her dark views, her defeatist attitude and her attempt to feel better by ejecting you out of her life.

 

The best advice I can give you right now are these few things:

 

-First decide if you really want to try and save the marriage. I know you love her but you are married to a person that has serious mental issues that WIIL NOT seek outside help and wants to become a hermit.

-If you want to fight for the marriage do it silently like a Ninja. Everything you do will be hidden and left to be discovered or noticed by her.

-If she is intent on leaving let her plan it out, pay for it, file the paperwork, arrange meetings to discuss custody and financials and generally handle every facet of breaking up the family. DO NOT feel sorry for and try and make it easy on her, divorce should be hard!

 

Let us know what you want to do (give it some thought before you answer) and we will help you try and slow or stop the slide.

 

Lost

Lost thanks for your words. At this point my wife has not initiated divorce procedures and has not indicated she will be moving out in the near future.

I agree that i need to decide if want to save this marriage and not save it out of fear.

If i want to fight for the marriage what do you mean by fight for it like a ninja/ silently?

By that I mean you do it without trying to prove anything or get a response out of her. She has complaints about you pushing her to be more social right? Then stop all those attempts and seek out a self help group for partners of people with severe self esteem issues. I bet you can find one just by searching the web. Educate yourself on her condition so you can understand what she is going through so you can avoid the triggers she has.

If a person is overweight and everyone keeps giving them dieting tips and advice do you think it makes the overweight person feel better because these people care enough to try and help or do you think they feel worse because they are constantly reminded everyone thinks they are fat? Your attempts may have made her condition worse and then the fights are exhausting.

Once you learn about her condition/issues you may just find that there are things you can do to help draw her out but they need to be subtle. non judging and no pressure.

First things first is do not move out of the house, the bedroom or her life. If she says you need to sleep on the couch just tell her "you are the one that has given up not me, you should sleep on the couch" Be loving and nice but step back and focus on the children and the household not her.

Lost