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Need help talking to my wife about her weight


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Hi, I'm struggling at the moment and need some help. I'm a 28-year-old guy, and my partner (also 28) is very seriously obese. I'm worried about her health, but I'm finding it difficult to talk to her about losing weight as she gets very upset and defensive whenever I bring it up.

 

We've been together since we were 16, and she was normal weight (or maybe slightly overweight) when we started dating. We were a horny couple and a bit careless about protection, and she got pregnant at 17. She gained a LOT of weight during the pregnancy (about 90 pounds) and it never came off. She also developed some bad eating habits, which I may have contributed to, because I was young and stupid and thought I was being a supportive partner by buying her whatever junk food she asked for. She's been gaining weight steadily since then, and we had another kid 5 years ago, when she gained a similar amount of weight as the first one.

 

When our second child was born, she weighed 337 pounds, and has gotten much heavier since then. I don't know what she weighs now, but if I had to guess, I'd say she's now over 500. In the last few years, she's started to find a lot of things difficult because of her weight, and I'm increasingly having to do things for her. I've been worried for a while that she'll soon have very serious health problems and will die young. She's also started to get very shy and anxious, and avoids seeing any of our old friends (she has other excuses, but I think she's embarrassed for people to see how big she is now).

 

I don't think I'm enabling her (as in, I'm not bringing her tons of unhealthy food), and I'm not much of a cook but I try to make healthy meals, but she is able to buy whatever she wants when I'm at work. She is out of work now, but has access to my income and I don't want to treat her like a child by limiting her access or anything like that. Fortunately our two daughters seem to have my skinny genes and are normal weight, but I'm worried about them developing a bad relationship with food in the long run.

 

I'm not being superficial or shallow or anything, because I still love her with all my heart and don't find her unattractive. We still have lots of sex. I just can't find a way to bring up the subject of losing weight and improving her health, without her getting upset and trying to change the subject or just refusing to talk about it, and I'm getting stressed because I feel like we're running out of time. She always avoids topics to do with her weight, and even has trouble asking me for help when it's obvious that her size is the problem. I hate upsetting her, and I've been putting off taking a more aggressive approach. I tried to get her parents and her sister to talk to her, but that just made things worse.

 

How can I get her to even talk about the subject and start taking serious action to reduce her weight?

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I'm a huge "My 600-lb. life" fan. Have you ever watched it? Dr. Nowzaradan (who, incidentally, has written to me on a dating site.....aaack!!!....I digress).....is constantly talking about the enablers.

 

Many of his patients are truly bed-bound, so the enabler brings the food in. Your wife is still able to get around, so she's able to buy it herself, but she uses your income to do it.

 

You are going to be very honest with her and have a frank discussion about health and, yes, attraction. Start with the health aspect. You may have to sit down with her and a therapist to help figure out a strategy to get her to enjoy eating healthier foods.

 

I do not envy you being in this position.

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I have a coworker who is seriously obese. She is about 5'1" and weighs about 300 pounds. She is (of course) aware she is obese and told me recently "I eat my feelings".

 

Has your wife expressed any unhappiness that she may be covering by comforting herself with food?

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I'm a huge "My 600-lb. life" fan. Have you ever watched it? Dr. Nowzaradan (who, incidentally, has written to me on a dating site.....aaack!!!....I digress).....is constantly talking about the enablers.

 

Many of his patients are truly bed-bound, so the enabler brings the food in. Your wife is still able to get around, so she's able to buy it herself, but she uses your income to do it.

 

You are going to be very honest with her and have a frank discussion about health and, yes, attraction. Start with the health aspect. You may have to sit down with her and a therapist to help figure out a strategy to get her to enjoy eating healthier foods.

 

I do not envy you being in this position.

 

I agree, but he said he’s still attracted to her.

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I don't find her unattractive.

 

I agree, but he said he’s still attracted to her.

 

Saying he doesn't find her unattractive is not the same as someone saying they're attracted.

 

I suggested he start with the health aspect and add the attraction aspect.

 

A friend of mine (a guy) gained about 50-75 lbs. during his marriage. Very recently, he's lost well over 50 lbs. When I asked how he did it, he said his wife had a frank discussion with him and told him that she loved him dearly, but that the weight was affecting her attraction for him

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No, he said he doesn't find her unattractive. That's not the same to me as someone saying they're attracted.

 

I'm not here to pick at different sentences in someone's post. The fact is, his wife is at an extremely unhealthy weight, and he is asking for help in how to bring it up to her. If someone told me they were concerned for my health, and that it also is affecting their attraction level towards me, I'd take notice. If it's not advice you'd like to give, that's ok. This is mine.

 

I don’t know if I misread your posts but I find them strangely aggressive. I apologize if I misread.

 

All I’m saying is the health argument feels less hurtful to me than the attraction one. And if he isn’t explicitly unattracted, I wouldn’t mention it personally. One is a selfish approach, the other is one of concern for her. Just my opinion.

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I don’t know if I misread your posts but I find them strangely aggressive.

 

This is several times now, on this board, you've called me "aggressive", which is beside the point of the OP's post. For future, if you have something to say to me personally, please PM me. Thanks!

 

OP, do any of the above suggestions resonate with you?

 

Also, not sure where you live, but there are some terrific Eating Disorder therapists who could help your wife get to the bottom of her emotional eating.

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@Hollyj

Last time she was pregnant, she was told repeatedly she needed to lose weight, but she was quite active then and we didn't take it seriously enough. If a doctor has said anything to her about it since, she hasn't told me.

 

@LHGirl

I don't envy me either. I suppose I'll have to bite the bullet, send the girls to their grandparents for the weekend, and try harder to have a frank discussion - I've tried before, but I'll admit I tend to give up very easily when she's upset. I kind of feel like there's a barrier to get through before I can even try to bring doctors or therapists into it. I don't think I can honestly bring up attraction, as it's her health I'm worried about, and I'll love her whatever size she is.

 

@boltnrun

We've had a lot of trials and struggles over the years, and we've both been on anti depressants at various points. Having a baby at 18 isn't easy, and that's where it all started. It was rough at first but we're doing OK financially, although it's been harder since she lost her job. I know she's unhappy because of her weight, but she doesn't ever want to talk about it.

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I would come from a health worry place if I was you not an attraction place. As someone overweight I would not react as kindly to attraction as I would with health. Tell her you want to grow old with her and you're afraid because of her health that won't happen. Don't mention weight because she will feel hurt and take it as if you don't feel attraction. Tell her she's beautiful but her health has to be number one priority and that her kids and you need her.

 

Also I hate to say you are enabling her by letting her have access to your finances. Maybe say you want to save money and it should be used for emergency only?

 

Lisa

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@Hollyj

Last time she was pregnant, she was told repeatedly she needed to lose weight, but she was quite active then and we didn't take it seriously enough. If a doctor has said anything to her about it since, she hasn't told me.

 

@LHGirl

I don't envy me either. I suppose I'll have to bite the bullet, send the girls to their grandparents for the weekend, and try harder to have a frank discussion - I've tried before, but I'll admit I tend to give up very easily when she's upset. I kind of feel like there's a barrier to get through before I can even try to bring doctors or therapists into it. I don't think I can honestly bring up attraction, as it's her health I'm worried about, and I'll love her whatever size she is.

 

@boltnrun

We've had a lot of trials and struggles over the years, and we've both been on anti depressants at various points. Having a baby at 18 isn't easy, and that's where it all started. It was rough at first but we're doing OK financially, although it's been harder since she lost her job. I know she's unhappy because of her weight, but she doesn't ever want to talk about it.

 

Are you willing to lose her, because you do not want to upset her? This is serious. If she is having difficulty getting around and enjoying her family, it involves everyone.

 

Has she spoken to a therapist to get to the real issue? She needs professional help! There is a reason she abuses food. This is not for you to handle, as you are not a doctor.

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I think gastric bypass has a BMI/weight limit because they need to be able to provide appropriate medical equipment and whatnot.

 

Coming from someone who is active and slim (but grew up a bit overweight/borderline obese), I'm going to offer you my opinion on this...

 

You are enabling her. You are enabling her by tiptoeing around the subject and worrying about hurting her feelings. Because all you're doing there is letting her keep this layer of "privacy" to her actions, which is what lets her continue with habits that are hurting her! If it's not acknowledged, it's her secret shame that she can carry on with. People don't gain weight like that out of nowhere, it's scientifically impossible to pull matter out of thin air - it all comes from calories that are being put into the body on a regular basis.

 

I'm all for people accepting and loving themselves, but when that means living in denial about what you're doing to yourself and your children, that's where I draw the line. Children learn almost everything about health from their parents and it becomes so ingrained that it is difficult to change.

 

So, no, I don't think you should approach this gently. I think you need to have a very frank discussion with her, even if it's hurtful. And more importantly than that, I think you need to have that conversation on a regular basis. Consistent and persistent. You need to set a new norm, and that is going to be a conversation about health and wellness within the family. Make that your norm. Make it a big topic for you all.

 

What is she going to do? Get hurt and leave you when she can barely take care of herself or her children?

It'll hurt at first but be consistent, bring it up and keep bringing it up, follow through with actions for both you and your daughters, get outside help when you need to. Be proactive as hell or this is not going to change. It needs to be brought out into the open and acknowledged by all of you

 

If she is an average height woman her BMI is hovering around the 80s and that's seriously bad news for her, mentally, physically, emotionally, in terms of employment and social wellbeing... You are not doing her any favours by avoiding the conversation because that's obviously not working for her

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I have struggled most of my adult life with my weight, I started gaining in my late teens, and I can tell you that my family became very concerned and tried to approach it in all sorts of ways and all of them backfired. It is a painful and touchy subject and because I was so ashamed I always became defensive and very, very hurt. Now I didn't have a family of my own counting on me so I think that will definitely help in this situation because your family needs your wife to get well.

 

In my experience, for me to make any real, lasting change I needed to address the behaviour behind the eating. Any changes in food and exercise I have made all came in baby steps and that has resulted in lasting changes in my behaviour. Just a theory, but it sounds as if your wife has had much to contend with over the last ten years and food may be her drug of choice, as it may comfort her, so she turns to it in times of stress. If that is the case, she will need help in addressing the issues behind the behaviour.

 

I agree with the other posters who suggested not making this about attraction or looks. That is a tough pill to swallow and one that is not easily forgotten. I would put the emphasis on her health and what her health and longevity means to your young family.

 

Are you able to go to your family doctor or perhaps a therapist on your own so you can discuss how best to address the issue? You may find it very helpful to speak with someone who specializes in eating disorders. I understand that this can be very costly but there may be eating disorder clinics in your area that may be able to help with therapy, suggested reading, information etc.

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I actually agree with glitterfingers. You say you've attempted to broach the subject gently multiple times and she always becomes defensive. You've tried being sensitive, it has not resonated. It's time for you to explain to her exactly how selfish she's being. Does she want you to spend your 40's and 50's taking her to doctor appointments weekly, late night trips to the ER, holidays spent in the hospital? Does she want to be in a wheelchair, or worse, bed-ridden, for you to have to push her around at you kids' high school graduation? Does she want you to be a widow before you even retire??

 

I'm a nurse. I see families who live like this ALL the time. She has the ability to make changes to greatly affect the quality of life of THE ENTIRE FAMILY in a major way. And those changes need to start NOW. Before she becomes diabetic, which at her size, if uncontrolled could lead to a million terrible things. Non-healing diabetic ulcers, lost fingers and toes, kidneys shut down and now she's got dialysis three times a week, which wears her out so heavily that she has no energy for much else....you see how serious this will get if you let it go. And this is just one possible avenue I've described.

 

Americans have become so lazy in maintaining their health because we've made leaps and bounds in healthcare technology and disease management. But people don't realize that we can't cure/fix everything once it's happened. It's much easier to prevent than it is to treat. And yes, maybe some of these things are hard to hear, but DEAL WITH IT because if you don't, you're going to find its much harder to hear "we're going to have to take your leg," or "you're looking at maybe another 6-8 months to live." It's time to make your wife be accountable.

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I actually agree with glitterfingers. You say you've attempted to broach the subject gently multiple times and she always becomes defensive. You've tried being sensitive, it has not resonated. It's time for you to explain to her exactly how selfish she's being. Does she want you to spend your 40's and 50's taking her to doctor appointments weekly, late night trips to the ER, holidays spent in the hospital? Does she want to be in a wheelchair, or worse, bed-ridden, for you to have to push her around at you kids' high school graduation? Does she want you to be a widow before you even retire??

 

I'm a nurse. I see families who live like this ALL the time. She has the ability to make changes to greatly affect the quality of life of THE ENTIRE FAMILY in a major way. And those changes need to start NOW. Before she becomes diabetic, which at her size, if uncontrolled could lead to a million terrible things. Non-healing diabetic ulcers, lost fingers and toes, kidneys shut down and now she's got dialysis three times a week, which wears her out so heavily that she has no energy for much else....you see how serious this will get if you let it go. And this is just one possible avenue I've described.

 

Americans have become so lazy in maintaining their health because we've made leaps and bounds in healthcare technology and disease management. But people don't realize that we can't cure/fix everything once it's happened. It's much easier to prevent than it is to treat. And yes, maybe some of these things are hard to hear, but DEAL WITH IT because if you don't, you're going to find its much harder to hear "we're going to have to take your leg," or "you're looking at maybe another 6-8 months to live." It's time to make your wife be accountable.

 

Such a hard line to draw. Regularly I have to draw that line -because if my husband decides to eat old leftovers (too old IMO, not too old in his) and gets sick, there goes his ability to do child care that day, etc. - but how often can families pull the "your choices affect all of us" and to what extent. It's hard. I agree in this case drastic measures are needed. I agree in this case it's clear cut how this is affecting her spouse and kids, especially the kids who now have a terrible role model for eating. And she is her own person. She's basically acting in a suicidal way more or less. Maybe it is time to do ultimatums in a diplomatic way if that's even possible.

 

Thanks for the info on bypass and surgery -had no idea about those restrictions. Maybe there is potential in the future. I don't agree about "Americans" but certainly there are people who make bad choices and don't focus on prevention because of thinking there are easy fix-its. Many people I know are into fitness and healthful eating -or at least do their best. No need to go there and castigate "Americans".

 

Do interventions work in this case -can you get her family and friends on board?

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I would hire a dietitian to prepare meals for her. I would not have any extra food in the house or provide her money to purchase extra food of her choosing. Yes, you do need to have a serious talk with your wife about how you want her around for the years to come.

 

It sounds like an intervention would be ideal, but her parents were not on board? What happened there? chi

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You could cut her access to the atm card and sign her up for Weight Watchers meals programs. Let her eat all the Weight Watchers meals she wants, at least until she runs out. (Even if she eats twice as many WW meals, she'll lose weight.) She's eating for a reason, so the best thing to do is find out what the reason is. Maybe she thinks she is prettier and more desirable when she's this way, especially when she got a lot of attention when she was pregnant.

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I agree that there is probably some enabling on your part, Gregminster. Exactly what that dynamic is, I don't know. I think it's probably a deep-seated and complicated problem with no simple fix. I would definitely look into counselling with someone who specializes in this type of thing. ONLY a diet or ONLY gastric bypass is probably not enough.

 

I actually know a guy who went through gastric bypass surgery in October. The first couple of months were a dream. He didn't feel hungry at all. But now he's struggling with hunger again, and he recently gained weight. He never learned to manage the feelings associated with his need to eat.

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Everyone knows to lose weight, you have to diet and exercise. Everyone also knows how unhealthy smoking is, but may still do it. You have to treat the trigger and want to lose the weight or quit smoking. It might be time for you to tell her how you feel instead of how you think she feels. How things are affecting you, and how it impacts you and the kids. Would she agree to meet with a nutritionist?

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Thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions. I have a lot to think about. Luckily her parents are available to take the kids this weekend, so we can have some time and space to begin to work things through. I'm really trying to build myself up to persevere with the discussion and not fold like I always do.

 

There are too many replies for me to respond to each one individually, but I'll try to cover some points.

 

I hadn't really considered therapy, and it's definitely something I'll try to bring up. She has been to a therapist before, back in 2010 when she first went on anti depressants. Obviously, she weighed much less back then, and I don't think her eating came up, but she told me therapy was a waste of time and stopped going. I think it's going to be the hardest part to convince her to go again.

 

I started writing a defensive reply about the enabling, but you're all right, I am enabling her. I'm the one closest to her, who basically provides for her now, and it's not normal to get so heavy in only 10-11 years. It's tough to admit and I feel ashamed.

 

I don't know how to cut her access to money without it seeming patronizing, and she does buy a lot of the things we need for the house and the girls. I've always trusted her to spend wisely. We had to learn how to be very frugal early on, but it's been a few years since we had to really plan out our spending each month, and I'm optimistic about my career. I could say we need to go back to that and start saving up for things like a vacation, or college. Then I'd have more excuse to track everything we spend and set a budget for different things, and see that all our money is accounted for.

 

As for weight loss surgery, I was thinking that would be a last resort if diet and exercise didn't work. The truth is, she's never even tried to lose weight or go on a diet. I know there's no magic answer, and it's going to be hard whatever we choose, but surgery seems drastic to me, something to look at when everything else has failed. This may just be my over caution, as I'm nervous of any kind of surgery that might have complications.

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I agree with a lot of what others said.

 

One mention about weight loss surgery, usually you have to lose some weight and make drastic changes before they will even consider it. Post surgery it’s a veeeery strict diet and plan to follow as your body can now physically only handle so much. You need to be very very committed. If you can’t show you’re going to be able to make changes and stick to them, I don’t think you’ll qualify. Ie same as with organ transplants...if you need a liver transplant but can’t stop drinking, I don’t think you qualify (not 100% on this so apologies if I’m wrong).

 

Those surgeries are also haaaard on the body! I have seen it work for a few people, but many have lots of ongoing issues post.

 

But yes a frank discussion is much needed

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Someone I know at work was planning to have the weight loss surgery. But his surgeon told him he'd have to be under 400 pounds (he was approaching 500). Instead of working on that, he was spending just about every weekend at the all you can eat sushi restaurant.

 

Needless to say, he has not had the surgery.

 

I'm sure your wife doesn't feel well. Maybe she even wonders aloud why her feet, back, knees and sometimes stomach hurt. If she lost the weight those health issues would most likely disappear. Maybe sell it to her like that; you hate to see her in pain or uncomfortable, and losing some of the weight would help with all that.

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