Trials and Tribulations of Dating in your 40's

I thought I would start one of these, I feel like I probably don't talk enough about my dating experiences, partly because I don't have a captive audience to listen to my ongoing rants

In the last 2 years I have had a number of different experiences... what I am finding is that I am learning something each time about what I do and don't want. In the beginning of my dating journey, I was pretty naive... anyone that gave me the slightest attention I jumped all over! And, somehow I thought because I had always been passive in my marriage, I needed to try being the aggressor when it came to dating. What I didn't realize was that being the aggressor ensured that I was pursuing people that were not all that invested in getting to know me....instead, they were happy to have their egos stroked. The resulting behavior from their side was pulling away and ignoring texts for days on end.

My ex was a very aggressive person, so I think I have been attracted to men that are more passive. This has it's benefits and challenges.... I don't ever feel afraid of or suffocated by them, but I also find that I end up feeling massive anxiety because they aren't pursuing me in the way I am normally accustomed to being pursued.

I also think I have been very afraid of falling into a committed relationship, because I don't want to feel trapped. In my last relationship I completely lost my voice, and the strength of will to make good decisions for myself. I stayed for many years longer than I should have. I want to learn how to take risks and commit because sharing love with someone is a beautiful thing... without losing my voice. Easier said than done!

Happy PI Day! May your PI be infinitely and irrationally delicious :)

So I am back on OK Cupid, after meeting someone I was very interested in and finding out he wanted kids (he is in his mid 40's!), looking for someone both interesting and interested in me.

I was chatting regularly with two men, however as soon as we exchanged numbers they started with the sexual innuendos. Now I love flirting as much as the next person, but to start with these types of messages before we even meet is a turn off! I get pursued a lot for my looks, even at my age (so many guys seem to have a MILF fantasy ) and it makes me feel like I am not worthy of getting to know as a person. And yet, the other side of this is I have come into myself and become more confident sexually, so I want to experience that as well. I have been searching for someone that is able to give me the best of all worlds... sharing minds, hearts and physical chemistry. I am unsure if this is even possible but I am willing to wait to find out.

Maew,

Your words achieve something well beyond my reach, which is condensing my journey into a few engaging paragraphs. lol So very similar. Will be stopping in to catch up from time to time, even if I don't post as often.

What helped me most was reading about attachment styles, giving myself psychotherapy (I am sure Freud and Jung just flipped in their graves, there are so many things wrong with that phrase), unpacking my sexuality in terms values, gender, boundaries and who sets mine and why, and studying power and the various ways it is expressed.

Learning to love me started with identifying what I wished my parents - my father - had provided and forgiving him for not doing it, getting over it by telling myself I never had it, it isn't available, and I don't need it anymore, and appreciating myself for being a self-made adult. This process involved many psychotherapy techniques that I picked up from the net. I too had learned not to use my voice. I see now that it was an unintended byproduct of my place in my large family. Learning to use it continues to this day.

Learning to love me allowed me to love everyone, in a neighborly way. I began to make more intimate friendships. I focused on the law of attraction. I would attract to me mirror images of who I am, so I focused on becoming the person I want to attract. Finally, what I thought was naivete was inexperience, and also a lingering desire to be wanted. I began to invest in myself more, value myself more, pursue more goals simultaneously. Now, I am happy. I am attracting men all of whom I could date frequently, and maybe I just started something with a keeper.

I had to learn a new set of behaviors. Part of this was to learn to talk kindly to myself. To address the ways I get in my own way when pursuing a goal. I became human, not a list of failures/achievements. I see men as human in a way I never did before.

The journey has been incredibly rewarding. I love the way you embraced your journey with your opening post.

Carry on, learn, forgive, enjoy! Cheering for you!

I dated in my late 30s but not my 40s. I love how you described your marriage and your journey so far. I think you're going to do fine -great -because you have so much insight and self-awareness.

For me, I moved on as soon as a stranger made sexual innuendoes on line. Big turn off and not worth the safety risk. After we started dating then of course, it's part of flirting and banter so often - but again it depends on personal standards and boundaries. Had I not been looking for a long term committed relationship I might have been more ok with it.

I have always been a go-getter as far as my education and career. I also was a go-getter in my search for a spouse but more along the lines of my mother's wise words "chase him until you let him catch you" -which makes little sense as I never chased. You and I are similar in age and back when I dated being a go-getter as far as asking men out in the beginning of a relationship was fun and all and not that stressful for me but also an ineffective way to find a long term relationship that would have worked for me. Partly because I didn't want a passive partner and for other reasons too, similar to what you wrote.

Good luck and I look forward to reading!

I first want to say, I am grateful for this community. I come, I read, I feel much less alone with my thoughts and feelings. People are supportive. This is for sure one of the better forums I have seen in terms of positive supportive comments. Job well done to those that participate and especially to the admins that keep us all in line!

Yes, I am a discouraged dater. I date, it doesn't go the way I want, I get discouraged. I am working through my issues around this... arrogance and ego that I think every guy is just going to fall all over themselves to be with me; insecure and lonely which causes me to at times be slightly desperate in my search. When this happens I pull back, I reset, fill myself up with good things, and then try again.

This ties back to my first post.. I am still learning how to date in a healthy way. My pattern was always to throw myself at people just because they showed interest. Breaking that pattern is terrifying, because I fear being alone, because deep down inside, being alone validates my fears that I am unlovable and unworthy. And yet... I would rather be "alone" on my own than "alone" in a relationship. Because truly, I am not alone... I can choose to spend time with friends, or to meditated and connect spiritually, or to go on dates and enjoy the moment instead of obsessing about the future.

I write this because I am feeling discouraged, defeated, and hopeless now... but I also know it will pass eventually, because I have a life I am proud of, I work very hard on being a good and loving person to myself and others. I have the best friends and support a girl could ask for.

My hope is to get to a place of accepting that it's okay to feel these things... the demons will come, they always have, and that's okay... it's part of my story. My hope is that as I face my fears of rejection, and my fears of being alone, I can look those demons in the eyes and say... "you are WRONG about me!"

My hope is that, with practice, I will be able to handle these feelings with more resilience and more acceptance.

So does being "alone" equate with not being in a relationship? Does it affect the alone feeling to be among friends or acquaintances or colleagues, etc?

So does being "alone" equate with not being in a relationship? Does it affect the alone feeling to be among friends or acquaintances or colleagues, etc?

The fear of being alone is the fear of being entirely alone. Humans are social beings, and we need connection to thrive. Every human being has this fear in some form, and it can lead us to do crazy things in order to stay connected, including being in unhealthy relationships!

I've noticed in the last week, ever since I had the conversation with the 45 yo that wants kids, I have been contemplating my own situation a lot more. How did I attract this sort of person in the first place? What kind of energy / intentions am I putting out?

Today, I was conversing with someone I met on OK cupid. Cute, a fire fighter, 3 young kids, funny. He proceeds to start flirting with me, which I thought... okay flirting is cool and we talked about setting up a time to meet in person. Then he took it a step further... more sexual innuendos, until I started to realize that when he said he wanted to meet up he was wanting to meet for sex! I wondered... how did we end up on two totally different pages? Books even?! Then he kindly said... you have your OK Cupid profile set up to say you want hookups, you should probably change that. I had no idea, it was an error on my part... it definitely explained all of the messages I had been getting over the last few weeks though! lol

Anyway, it got me thinking. I think I can be impulsive and a bit reckless at times when it comes to dating. I want to have as many options as possible, however what I am realizing is that having all those options also means having interactions with people that are not on the same page as me. The guy that wanted the baby? Not someone I would normally have considered... but I pushed past my gut feelings, because I was attracted to him and feeling chemistry. This of course led to a rather uncomfortable conversation on both our sides and what feels like weeks wasted going back and forth.

Somehow I have been afraid to stand true to my values with dating, because I felt like I might miss out on opportunities... now I am coming to realize that I could have probably saved myself some heartbreak over the last couple of years if I had been clear with myself about what I wanted. Granted, I wasn't interested in a relationship really at all until this year. So this reflecting is more like a new awareness, and letting go of fear, and becoming comfortable with the idea of being serious with someone.

I am talking to 3 different guys online... we haven't met in person yet... I selected them because of their conversations, profiles, and their initial efforts to reach out to me vs. their looks. So I figure this is a good start for me to change my thinking about relationships and what I am seeking. I will try and meet one of them today, and one probably tomorrow... wish me luck!

What I did was Tory to keep my list of musts relatively short but I stayed true to that list. And I screened out anyone who brought up sex or expressed those innuendoes before we met. Once we’d been dating awhile different story depending on context and timing. It’s a balance - and requires sometimes reviewing your list to see if it makes sense to you and maybe even adding to it. I had marriage and family on my profile and onlyvresponded to men who wanted the same. I made one exception because he contacted me and claimed he meant to write marriage. He changed it for one week. When he changed it back I cancelled the first meet.

I like how you’re trying to be more self aware.

Alright, I am just going to throw it out there. Peri-menopause. There I said it. I am entering a time in my life when, literally, my hormones make me feel like a teenager (or sometimes even younger)! I haven't been talking much about it, except to my trusted inner circle. Now that I know it's happening, I have some feelings about it. There is the fear of getting old... for the first time ever in my life, I am actually faced with age related issues. And it's shocking to me! I am pretty sure I have been in denial about how old I am... as much as I am totally cool with telling people my age, at the same time, I don't think I have ever really ACCEPTED it. Then there is the stigma surrounding menopause, and the misunderstandings, and the misinformation... having dealt with a stigma for the last 21 years though I am up for the challenge around that one! Then, there is trying to date when I am having mood swings, hot flashes, struggles with sleep, and who knows what else.

I think the biggest thing I am struggling with lately is coming to a place of acceptance around this. I don't know of other ladies of a certain age can relate, but there is this sense of grief and loss... I am turning into a biologically different person, that will have different limitations and challenges. I feel like I am being forced to face and accept my age, and I don't being forced to do ANYTHING.

I look around and I know its not the end of the world.... I have many friends that are vibrant, beautiful, happy, that have come out the other side of this... and I am sure they all started where I am. I guess I just needed to share this, put it out there, all the feelings good bad and ugly, so that I can process this change and not feel so alone with it.

How did I attract this sort of person in the first place? What kind of energy / intentions am I putting out?

I'm older than you and back in the dating world, so I completely understand where you're coming from.

I want to respond to your point above.....how do you attract this sort of person? You don't. People with different goals and personalities than you (and me) are all around us, just as we are around them. The only thing you can do is get to know someone slowly to decide whether or not to proceed.

You don't attract the wrong person, but we often accept the wrong person. I had to learn that the hard way.

We can talk all day long about energy, or whatever, but bottom line: there are a lot of messed up people out there. And a lot of people whose goals just don't align with ours. And nice, honest people with whom we have no chemistry. We are finding a needle in a haystack, which is why when we find it, we cherish it so much. The proportion of people out there who aren't a fit is huge, so it's just something to keep working at.

You attract whoever you attract, but who you accept and let into your life is a whole 'nother story.

Example: Your firefighter, who revealed that he was looking to meet up for sex. You declined. He was attracted to you because he's looking for sex, and he found you an attractive girl that he'd like to have sex with. You did nothing to "attract" him, other than being your nice, cute self. But you know what you did? You declined, and you moved him out of your life, to make way for someone else.

So often, we keep people in our lives for fear of loneliness. I've done it, heck I did it in my last relationship. I kept asking the same thing....what did I do to attract this loser? When the question should have been....why did I allow this loser to stay in my life?

Alright, I am just going to throw it out there. Peri-menopause. There I said it. I am entering a time in my life when, literally, my hormones make me feel like a teenager (or sometimes even younger)! I haven't been talking much about it, except to my trusted inner circle. Now that I know it's happening, I have some feelings about it. There is the fear of getting old... for the first time ever in my life, I am actually faced with age related issues. And it's shocking to me! I am pretty sure I have been in denial about how old I am... as much as I am totally cool with telling people my age, at the same time, I don't think I have ever really ACCEPTED it. Then there is the stigma surrounding menopause, and the misunderstandings, and the misinformation... having dealt with a stigma for the last 21 years though I am up for the challenge around that one! Then, there is trying to date when I am having mood swings, hot flashes, struggles with sleep, and who knows what else.

 

I think the biggest thing I am struggling with lately is coming to a place of acceptance around this. I don't know of other ladies of a certain age can relate, but there is this sense of grief and loss... I am turning into a biologically different person, that will have different limitations and challenges. I feel like I am being forced to face and accept my age, and I don't being forced to do ANYTHING.

 

I look around and I know its not the end of the world.... I have many friends that are vibrant, beautiful, happy, that have come out the other side of this... and I am sure they all started where I am. I guess I just needed to share this, put it out there, all the feelings good bad and ugly, so that I can process this change and not feel so alone with it.

I am 51 and am probably going through this right now but I feel that I am in better shape than when I was in my 30s for very simple reasons - even more regular exercise, next to no diet soda (maybe one or two a year instead of two or more a day), and lots more water. And a lot of self-work on attitude, perspective, stress level (no formal therapy though). Much of this was motivated by being a new mom, and, secondarily, a new spouse.

I had to become the right person to find the right person and that also meant not being needy or desperate so that I could choose better because I wasn't choosing to settle instead of being "alone" (in quotes because I cannot stand defining "alone" as not being in a romantic relationship -what about friends and family, etc??).

I do feel a sense of loss as far as child bearing -even though I accepted, 11 years ago to the day almost when I started trying to conceive, that even if it worked I'd most likely be one and done there's a difference in knowing that there's really no biological choice once you're in your 50s -no safe choice anyway. But it's not a huge sense of loss. I do feel some loss of looks -my body is in the best shape ever - but I've let my hair/makeup/clothing choices go quite a lot and sometimes embarassingly so. I don't know how I'd do if I were out there dating now. I don't feel forced to accept much and in my 30s some of the really hurtful comments about my single status, my career choices, seemed to want to force me to make certain choices. Ick.

You'll get better at brushing off the jerky people like annoying flies, and brushing them off more and more quickly. And knowing your limits and standards. I wish you all the best and will continue to follow this if I can be helpful.

I realized it's been awhile since I updated, so here goes...

I posted something a couple of weeks ago about meeting a guy that I liked... he was nerdy cute, funny, we liked a lot of the same things and had similar values. He said at the end of the date... "we should do this again!" And I gave him a hug and said yes I would like that! I then became overwhelmed with anxiety because I didn't hear from him. I connected with him again a week later just to say hi, and he asked me out again... I said how about Sunday? At which point he seemed to disappear in a cloud of smoke.

I then went out with another guy the following week, he had seen me online a few times and was keen to meet... we were going to have coffee and then go to an exhibit at our local art gallery. We had coffee, and went for a walk, probably an hour and a half or so... at which point he says: "I think I am going to drop you off at the Art Gallery if that's okay (he had picked me up there because my car was nearby), I don't want to have to struggle to find parking and I really want to go to this spin class this afternoon." I was like... "okay sure." and he said "If you want to hang out again soon, let me know." I was a bit thrown I have to admit... wasn't sure if he was being legit or if he was dumping me off because he was in a hurry to get away from me lol.

Then just went out with a guy this week, he was pretty cool, turns out we worked at the same organization for years and didn't realize (this is totally possible as our local office has well over 1000 people working there, and we both work in completely different LoB's that don't interact much). He said, towards the end, "would you like to do dinner sometime?" And I said... "sure I would love that!" but I haven't heard from him since.

Then of course there was the guy that wanted to make babies in his mid 40's... but only let this information slip after we went out once. Coincidence? Or reality?

I think I am just feeling insecure about these one and done dates right now. The weird thing is that in my previous iteration of dates, I was meeting guys I had NO chemistry with at all... they seemed to want more but I didn't want to lead them on. Now I am meeting guys I have chemistry with but they seem to not want to follow up. I think my chooser is getting better because I am meeting guys I like... and perhaps if I had liked the others the same thing would have happened... who knows?!

At least I am becoming more accustomed to dealing with rejection so it isn't such a heart breaking experience!

I had many first meets that were one and done and several that were very surprising in turning out that way. I most often didn't feel rejected -these were near strangers! It could be any number of reasons and to me speculating on what it could be is a waste of time unless you think you're doing something that is a turn off (doesn't seem like that). I know it's a pain! The Art Gallery guy -as soon as he said that I would have assumed we were one and done especially since he didn't try to reschedule right then (meaning if it was a coverup and he actually felt ill but didn't want to tell you, etc then you would know because he would have wanted to reschedule ASAP). I know it can be frustrating! To me the end goal made it totally worth it.

Hi maew, I'm no expert but what I'm getting from your experiences is that you are allowing these guys to choose you, verses "you" choosing them."

I don't mean chasing, I only mean "you" making the decision to date them instead of being so focused on if "they" want to date you, whether or not "you" are good enough, worthy enough for them.

I think your fear of being alone is at the crux of this.

Contrary to what you posted earlier, not everyone fears being alone, and by alone I mean not in a romantic relationship.

I don't, never have. In fact, I prefer being alone versus being with a man who doesn't stir my emotions, rock my world, at least on some level so early on.

I'm dating someone now and mostly focusing my energy on him, but I've met and dated tons of guys (too many to count) these past 2.5 years since my long term ex and I split, and there have been maybe four, I wanted to move forward with.

Three I had very short term relationships with before deciding they weren't right for me, and one man ghosted me after a few dates (returned last summer wanting to pick it up but I declined).

Not to sound cocky or arrogant, but it's quite easy for me to walk away from a guy who isn't right for me, why?

Because I have absolutely zero fear of being alone, on my own.

I think your fear of being alone is at the crux of this, the "disease" so to speak.

Your negative dating experiences are the "symptom."

If you don't mind my asking, what do you fear about it?

What I am learning is that I don't need a man to "validate" my loveability and worthiness, that comes within myself.

Thus, when I meet a new man, whether on line or in real life, *I* assess him, I choose him.

HE should be doing same, assessing me, choosing me.

This is all done silently and it's when we both choose "each other" that we begin to date and continue assessing each other to determine whether or not we are right for each other long term (or even short term!).

But, you can only do this when you are not attached to the outcome!

Honestly, even when the man I dated last spring/summer (and REALLY liked) ghosted me, while I was very hurt and disappointed, and confused, I did not allow it to throw me off or rattle me, or negatively affect my confidence level. This was up to me, how I chose to handle it.

How was I able to do that?

By remaining grounded in the knowledge that I am a beautiful, loveable, worthy person, who has a lot to give (to the right man), feeling comfortable in my own skin and again, not being afraid to be "alone."

When he came back months later, I wasn't mad or resentful. We chatted for a bit, he wanted to start dating again, but I realized then, he was not right for me, so declined. MY choice.

We still text from time to time, I guess you could say we are "friends."

Anyway, I'm kinda rambling here but point is, I don't believe one can learn how to date *correctly* -- if one is secure and confident within themselves, comfortable in their own skin, not afraid of being alone or being too attached to the outcome, naturally and organically, you will makes better choices based on who *you* think is right for you, whether or not he is someone *you* want to date and get to know further, versus being so focused on what HE's thinking, whether you are right for him.

I hope this didn't sound too preachy but I've just learned so much these past 2.5 years, thus I'm not afraid to take risks, I may get shot down (and have) but nevertheless, I KNOW I will be okay because I'm secure, confident, resilient and strong!

Not that I don't have my moments, I wouldn't be human if I didn't, but for the most part, I am all those things.

Good luck maew and looking forward to following your journey!

Katrina what you say is (or was) true to a degree. I ended up in relationships in the past that were “good enough”.... because I allowed them to be the ones to choose vs. the other way around.

Without going into gory details, I dealt with being bullied for the majority of my early childhood.... including neglect by the parental units... which transitioned into being bullied in relationships later on.

Being bullied and excluded to that degree meant I essentially grew up with the idea that I was alone because there was something wrong with me. Having that core level belief influenced my decisions in life in a negative way for sure... including becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol to try and mask the feelings and to find a way to fit in.

Fast forward to two years ago when I made a decision to leave a toxic relationship... and over the last two years have been working very hard to undo all of the damage my choices caused. I have been in recovery for two decades now but it’s really only been the last couple of years I have been tackling my fears of being alone.

Let’s just say I have come a long way... and I have a long way to go!

I truly don’t mind being alone. And I am being very picky with who I date and commit to these days which is HUGE progress for me!

When I share my fears, it’s those voices in my head I am still trying to over come after multiple decades of denying my worth and value.

But, today I truly believe that no matter what those voices tell me I am worthy of someone that “rocks my world” so I will wait until that day arrives even if I have to go through these uncomfortable feelings every single time! Being in a crappy relationship just isn’t worth it to me anymore.

Wow -what an inspiring story and so glad things are going better.

maew, thanks for sharing and I'm so sorry to hear about your early experiences, parental neglect and bullying.

You should feel proud for working through all that and not allowing it to affect the rest of your life, moving forward, good for you! No easy feat!

My mom was not the best mom (very cold and distant) but I had a very loving and nurturing dad who more than made up for her lack of, so can't really relate to your experiences but can certainly empathize.

So, now that you are aware, the next step is turning that awareness into fruition, right?

Like the guy you had the Sunday date with -- when he made the snarky remark about deciding to go hiking because *he* had not heard from *you*, that's an immediate next.

You shouldn't even be questioning that, his attitude was piss poor, he's done. Next.

Just using that as an example, but hopefully you get my drift?

Just don't settle for piss poor attitude like that, or men who end dates early and then tell *you* to text them if you want to see *them* again (like art gallery guy), for me that would also have been an immediate next. No bitterness, no resentment, just next.

He's just not interested, and even if I find him attractive, a "good catch" if he's not interested in me, I am not interested in him!

It only works when we are *both* interested in each other (mutual chemistry), both are open-minded, flexible with good positive attitudes and both willing to make effort.

Personally, I don't settle for less and if it means I remain alone for a time, that is perfectly okay with me!

Believe me, it took me quite awhile to get to this "place" so be patient with yourself, you're on the right path!

Has anyone noticed that some people are on literally every dating site that exists?! I say that because at times I try different ones to see if there are different people but low and behold... it's all the same dudes for the most part.

There are a couple I prefer more than the rest... OKC has always been my go to, because I find a nice mix of guys on there that are pretty easy going and for the most part looking for a relationship... and Bumble, because it's easy and sometimes I get sick of getting attacked by messages in my inbox and like to be in control. :)

Anyway! This is about a guy I matched with on OKC about a month ago. We chatted a bit online, he asked for my number pretty much right away... so far so good.

He then starts to be very flirty. I enjoy flirty conversations through text, so I was totally engaging. It was St. Patrick's day and I remember he was teasing me about wearing green underwear. He then asks if I want to get together that night to discuss the colors of our underwear further...

Me: "Well this sounds intriguing but I'm busy tonight, and I prefer getting to know someone first before they see my underwear."

Him: "Well it's now or never. :)"

Me: "In that case, I guess it's never because I am not looking for a hook up."

Him: "I'm confused! Your OKC profile says you were looking for new friends and to hook up. Is that not what you were looking for? If not, you should consider changing it otherwise it's misleading."

Me: "OMG! Thank you for telling me! That was totally not intentional I have no idea how that happened! And it explains all of the crazy messages I have been getting lately!"

He was very apologetic and embarrassed... I told him I don't judge, there is nothing wrong with wanting to hook up, it's just not what I want.

I deleted his number and let it go...when someone wants to hookup I just decline and move on, thinking they aren't interested in anything else.

I didn't hear from him again... until last week. He saw me on Bumble, and sent me a text (he had my number saved somehow)... "Hey beautiful! I just saw you on Bumble, does that mean you are still single??"

I am like... "yes, are you surprised by this? lol" I didn't know who it was until later in the conversation. He couldn't figure out why we had disconnected until I reminded him of our original conversation... at which point he said... "I was so embarrassed by my actions, and by getting it wrong with you, and I couldn't think of any way to redeem myself, so I ghosted you... I am really sorry, that was ty of me, I am totally not just looking for a hookup, I only went with it because I thought that's what you were looking for." Like I have never seen anyone have such remorse for wanting a hookup.... leading me to assume that he is fairly new to the whole process :)

Any way. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and meet with him in person. Turns out? He is a genuine, humble, quirky and funny guy. He was an athlete and is currently a firefighter but he talked more about his kids and the things he is doing to his home than his job or his past accomplishments.

We talked for 3 hours... I have never spent that long with someone on a first meet up. He teased me and made me laugh without it being at my expense... he showed appreciation, for me as a person not just my looks, he paid attention to little things like my favorite non-alcoholic bevvies.

And to top it off, he planned another date a week in advance! I mean, so far this has been an absolutely unheard of behavior in my dating experience, so it's refreshing to meet someone that pays attention to these things. It's dinner at his place... I am curious to see what he is like in his own environment. I just need to make sure I send people his contact info etc. before I head over there, just to be safe.

I think I am writing all of this down so I can get it out of my head and not live in a fantasy. Realizing I still barely know him on the one hand, but on the other trying to just enjoy being treated well and having chemistry with someone.

Good for you on asserting your boundaries -- you got a nice date out of it. It looks good that he asked for a second date right away -- now that he has asked for a second date - now on the second date, decide if YOU want to go on another one. Have fun!

It's been a ride, a crazy ride over the last few months... we finally filed our divorce papers after two years and I just looked today to see that the paperwork had been completed last week. No big fanfare as they don't send divorce certificates here unless we specifically ask and pay for them.

When I filed the paperwork I was thinking oh, now I can finally let this go and move on... surprise! That isn't what happened at all. Turns out, I had been holding back on some feelings and they have all been unleashed over the last few weeks... triggered by the divorce, by the betrayal of a friend, so many feelings... dark angry ones, sad ones, feelings of loss. I met with a counselor thinking I was going insane... she was the one that said no these are normal! You have been holding back on all of these things for most of your marriage, locked in so tightly you were barely alive... and now you are coming alive and these feelings are part of it! I was very surprised... after two years of already grieving and feeling the feelings there are more?? Oh yes there are more... I was pushing these feelings aside for over a decade, trying to make something work that was never going to work, hanging on long past the expiry date...

And then there are the feelings about the divorce itself... the feeling of betrayal (wasn't this supposed to be forever??) and worthlessness (why didn't he fight for us??) and failure (why couldn't I make this work??). I couldn't figure out where all of that was coming from before but now it makes sense. No wonder I have been dealing with such low self esteem and rejection... my heart was just shattered all over again.

It all sounds so dramatic in my mind but in reality, this is probably a good thing... I have been so shut down for so long a little drama in my life gives it some color and vibrancy.

I am glad you signed the papers. And I am impressed and inspired that you sought help. Good for you. And yes it does sound normal from all I've heard and you are dealing with it in such a healthful way. I hope you feel more at peace soon.

I hope every person dating a married person, considering dating a married person, or considering dating while married will read post #21. It is exactly what i try to explain to people but have not put it into the words quite as effectively as you have. All of those threads "why did he pull away? I thought the divorce would be final and we'd move forward" and such would get a lot of good insight here.

I could not explain to my mother well enough that when she was encouraging me to say "don't say he left you -- say YOU left him" etc and was happy about it -- that it cut very deeply when it was final even though it was good that i was out of that abusive situation. I wasn't doing a jig.

you *truly* understand and get it.

I hope every person dating a married person, considering dating a married person, or considering dating while married will read post #21. It is exactly what i try to explain to people but have not put it into the words quite as effectively as you have. All of those threads "why did he pull away? I thought the divorce would be final and we'd move forward" and such would get a lot of good insight here.

 

I could not explain to my mother well enough that when she was encouraging me to say "don't say he left you -- say YOU left him" etc and was happy about it -- that it cut very deeply when it was final even though it was good that i was out of that abusive situation. I wasn't doing a jig.

 

you *truly* understand and get it.

This is so true and I don’t think most of us even know what it’s like unless we have been through it... I certainly didn’t and would read people’s thoughts about dating separated people and think they didn’t know what they were talking about but now.... I have been humbled.