Husband has photos of other women on his phone.

My husband has several hundred photos on his phone of other women, some dressed, some very explicit and several videos. He tries to hide it from me but I'm not an idiot and know what he's doing and I hate it but he see's nothing wrong with it. What also makes it even worse is that they are all young and blonde, mainly, and quite attractive. To me this is emotional cheating and I don't think I can stay with someone who is more interested in a picture than his wife.

How long have you been together/married? How old is he? How is your sex life, is he cold toward you? Are these real people he knows or images he downloaded to masturbate to?

I mean... who are the women? It's one thing if it's Tinda Balinda the internet model and another if it's Betty from work. Guys (and women for that matter) will "entertain themselves" to people other than their partner or spouse. While it's within your rights to establish that as a boundary (good luck to you there), that doesn't mean it's inherently a form of emotional cheating.

Also, how did you find these photos on his phone?

To me this is emotional cheating and I don't think I can stay with someone who is more interested in a picture than his wife.

This is what matters.

It doesn't matter who is on his phone. The bottom line is this bothers you. I would suggest couples therapy. If he can't agree and you continue to feel like this, then perhaps you need to seek a professional to help you through this.

At the end of the day, you need to feel comfortable and safe within your relationship.

So you told him it bothers you and he said he's not going to stop?

How do you "know what he's doing"? Have you gone through his phone?

If they were pictures of dogs, would you be as concerned? Would you ask, why is he looking at pictures of dogs when he can look at pictures of his wife? Or buildings?

Why is he looking at pictures of buildings when he can look at pictures of his wife? If these are just pictures of anonymous Internet women, then he likes to look at pretty women. Big deal. I like to look at pictures of pretty women. Look through Cosmo or any other women's magazine. It's filled with pictures of pretty women. I think everyone likes to look at pictures of pretty women, and most people like to look at porn.

The bigger question is, should someone stop doing something that they're doing because another person is uncomfortable about it? Especially something that doesn't hurt anyone? Isn't it really that you are worried about your marriage, or you feel you're not pretty anymore, or you are having issues of insecurity and self esteem? Or are you trying to control what he does and what he looks at?

Just as Scoe141 pointed out, the only thing that matters is that you consider it emotional cheating. You need to work this through if you think he is worth it in general. Is he a good person/husband?

If they were pictures of dogs, would you be as concerned? Would you ask, why is he looking at pictures of dogs when he can look at pictures of his wife? Or buildings?

Why is he looking at pictures of buildings when he can look at pictures of his wife? If these are just pictures of anonymous Internet women, then he likes to look at pretty women. Big deal. I like to look at pictures of pretty women. Look through Cosmo or any other women's magazine. It's filled with pictures of pretty women. I think everyone likes to look at pictures of pretty women, and most people like to look at porn.

 

The bigger question is, should someone stop doing something that they're doing because another person is uncomfortable about it? Especially something that doesn't hurt anyone? Isn't it really that you are worried about your marriage, or you feel you're not pretty anymore, or you are having issues of insecurity and self esteem? Or are you trying to control what he does and what he looks at?

Just out of curiosity DanZee, would you be ok if your partner had pictures of naked men on her phone?

The bigger question is, should someone stop doing something that they're doing because another person is uncomfortable about it? Especially something that doesn't hurt anyone?

Whether any of us agree or not on what constitutes emotional cheating, or whether she 'should be' hurt or not, the bottom line is she is hurt by this. That doesn't mean that you Danzee have to stop looking at porn, but her partner should take her feelings into consideration. He doesn't have to stop doing it, but maybe he shouldn't be with someone whose values are so different. Hiding it is not a solution.

What does matter is how you’re affected by what you partner is doing. I agree with other posts about seeking professional therapy to work out the mismatch on what you both want and his refusal to change. You do realize that porn can be an addiction, so unless he wants to change....its not gonna happen.

The only way he could have any idea how you’re feeling is if you put a bunch of male or female nude/sexy pictures on your phone & he got the idea that these are turning you on. If he knows it’s just to teach him a lesson then it will make no dent.

Perhaps answer to yourself if he’s keeping you happy inimayely? Is he happy with your efforts? Maybe he is struggling with ED and this is keeping him capable. Or, perhaps the sexual side of your marriage is suffering & this adventure into porn makes it possible for him to stay otherwise faithful in the marriage. If you cannot talk directly with him about what’s going on, then you will need a therapist, or you’re just going to suffer worrying about what it means to you—-while it means a totally different thing to him.

If she's hurt by the sheer fact he's got photos on his phone, I'd say the bottom line is she shouldn't be going through her partner's personal electronic devices if she's not particularly keen on finding something he's got the pretty simple decency not to flaunt in front of her.

OP. Were you looking through his phone? In my book that’s a no-no. Indicates a tirade of problems. I think you’re saying that he’s got pics on his phone and he basically doesn’t care if you know he is looking at them. Correct?

Why do you think he is doing that—so that you will see him looking?

I wouldn’t think he could be emotionally connected to these pics, unless there are 100’s to hide a few pics of someone he is/wants to have an affair with.

Sounds like he wants a reaction out of you. Not sure if it is to anger you or if it is to prompt you to be different in a positive way. If you can’t straight up ask him what it’s all about or can’t get a sensible answer, then that might lead you to a therapist if it is something that continues to bother you.