The Prison job - update

I just wanted to thank everyone for all their advice on my post about working in a prison and my partner doing his nut about it and all the other issues that were going on. We spent the following few weeks arguing a great deal and I was honestly starting to question whether this will ever work, worrying about the kids etc. But then this weekend I had an unexpected breakthrough. I went out with my friends on Saturday night (he was supposed to come but refused.) I got back late and on Sunday morning I woke up to him having some kind of epiphany. He said that he was moaning to his friend that that I said he was childish, stubborn and had little regard for my feelings when I express them. Also that I felt, for the most part, like a child in our relationship. He said that as he repeated my words to his friend, he suddenly realised that they were all true. He has apologised profusely, explained that he is just scared of the change and that he has been way too controlling completely because of all his own silly insecurities. He said that me being so determined myself lately, standing up to him, giving him some home truths etc has really opened his eyes. Also, that now he has experienced it he now knows how I feel with his ongoing stubborn behaviour. He can't promise not to have the odd sulk - that's just who he is - but he will try very hard not to. We have both agreed on what we need to do to change to make things better and also he said that he has not treated me as his equal with financial matters and that will (has already) change.

So I just want to say thank you for all the support as the comments gave me the confidence and determination to stand my ground and stick up for myself. I guess I haven't before as I worried that being so frank might break us but this is a lesson that you have to be strong and fight for what you know is right and far from it breaking us, it has really fixed everything. I am so happy that we are closer now than ever before, we do love each other very much.

This is why I have been commenting on so many other posts as I feel like I want to give something back to this little community that helped me so much. I am so glad I found it!

Oh and ps - turns out that I won't be teaching any violent criminals as I am not trained to do so (they have in-house, specially trained people for that) and that I will have a chaperone at all times.

Thanks for the update. It's nice to hear and I hope that once the high has worn off, things will continue to improve between the two of you.

As for the prison job, I would be less worried about the violent criminals and a whole lot more worried about the assorted personality disorders and you getting manipulated and mind fck'ed, pardon for being crude. A chaperone won't be able to help you with that. Since you are set on this, please read up and educate yourself a whole lot about various personality disordered and manipulative tactics they use on people. Most people have a very wrong idea of what that looks like until they are neck deep in a mess.

Thank you and yes I already have. After I quit teaching I did work with lots of people who had come out of prison and were trying to find employment and reintegrate themselves into their families and communities so I've had quite a lot of experience from that perspective. Their manipulation stemmed from trying to get me to get them funding they weren't really entitled to and trying to get me to arrange food bank deliveries on a weekly basis with sob stories etc but most of the time it was because they wanted to keep their money to score. I have done loads of research and also I have months of training before I even start. Plus this is contract work so if I don't want an assignment or feel uncomfortable with one I've started I can decline it and it and they will give me another one. Everyone I know, including family, friends and even my uni lecturers feel I am the perfect person for the job as I am empathetic but I'm no mug. Plus I've been around the block a bit - I haven't led a sheltered life!

good for you. don't ever lose your voice.

Excellent. Congrats. Never let some live-in partner who's not even the parent of your kids dictate this much. You are in fact legally a single parent and your responsibility, financially and otherwise is to your and your kids future. These jobs often come with good benefits, no? Don't allow pouting or sulking or other nonsense. He has to suck it up, that's all.

He can't promise not to have the odd sulk - that's just who he is - but he will try very hard not to. - turns out that I won't be teaching any violent criminals as I am not trained to do so (they have in-house, specially trained people for that) and that I will have a chaperone at all times.

Wow Wiseman2 I've just noticed how many posts you've made! Yes I certainly got stuck in a submissive rut and it wasnt helping either of us. I am confident that things will be different now. I said this to him - as we are not married should the unthinkable happen to him I would be left with nothing for myself or my children and that is not fair. Not only is it a well paid job that I think I will enjoy, I get benefits, I can continue to contribute to my pension etc. He is sucking it up now and I think although it shook him to the core he is also quite turned on and impressed with my pluck!

Also we live quite a deprived rural area in Southern England and well paid jobs are certainly not ten a penny here!

I hope it's not just BS he's giving you.

No definitely not I can assure you. I know him well enough to know - he doesn't lie. He just got so wrapped up in his own insecurities and I believe everything he has said.

I'm late to this discussion, but last year I started working as an Art Tutor in a medium secure forensic psychiatric hospital; I've had many years experience of teaching art in general mental health in the past. My partner was very, very worried when I started - and he really ISN'T the controlling type.

I explained that working in a mental health hospital is a lot less stressful than working in a school; adult mental health is a lot less stressful than working with children/adolescents; you're far more likely to be assaulted by a woman than a man and that medium secure is a much calmer, more controlled setting than open wards. Sure, I work with torturers, serial rapists and killers, paedophiles, and some of them are such eye-watering sexual deviants that they make your average pervert look quite conservative. However, the labels refer to a particular act or series of acts and ARE NOT how these people routinely conduct themselves. An occupational therapist I once met when I was freelancing in a hospital was about to get a job in a prison, and remarked that she would be safer there than where she was currently working!

I think it's important to remember that our loved ones are frightened on our behalf, quite apart from any issues about control, and to acknowledge that they're ultimately coming from a caring place - even if it's expressed inappropriately as it seems to be in the case of your fella.

Anyway, wishing you all the veryvery best with your new job, which I hope will be fulfilling and rewarding!

P.S. I have felt far more frightened in city centres after the pubs have closed and the streets are full of aggressive drunks than I ever have in a mental health hospital...

Thank you for the update!!!!

Thank you nutbrownhare, this is really informative feedback and very along the lines of what I have being telling him. The problem is he kept seeking out horror stories (obviously embellished with all the journalism thrills) from prisons to compound his argument. I did state that if he took the time to look up dangers working on buses in London, or being a Paramedic etc there are risks everywhere and these people don't even have a chaperone when things do turn ugly. I once nearly got punched square in the face by a sixteen year old boy when I had no choice but to intervene in a fight and protect a young man who was about to be knocked out cold by one of his peers. I was alone with a class of twenty dysfunctional teenagers - no chaperone there either!

If you read my original post - Partner doesn't want me to work in a prison - but why? You'll see the background and that this job was more like a catalyst which seemed to tip his insecurities and his need to keep control of everything right over the edge. It all started developing when his dad died very suddenly last September and the grief manifested itself into having to control everything else all around him and this snowballed very quickly. I don't doubt there is genuine concern also, of course there is, but he is a very intelligent man, educated to Doctorate level and his actions and arguments just weren't corresponding with how I know his logical mind to function normally!