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I can't stand my overly religious in-laws


mmendes

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So, guys, I'm more venting than anything else in this post, but I do welcome advice.

 

My boyfriend's family is making me crazy. They're from a extreme Christian cult and I'm everything they dislike: bisexual, marijuana smoker, with many tattoos and pink hair. Of course, I haven't told them any of this (except for the hair and tattoos, because one cannot hide those).

 

Said bf is not Christian, neither is he prejudiced like his family, but he keeps quiet completely quiet about his (lack of) faith to his parents and barely speaks out about his world views. He even goes to church to make them happy. I used to go with him, so that he would be a little less miserable during the sermon, but I gave up. I don't have anything against Christian faith- people are free to believe anything they want- but I couldn't stand to join a group where people are saying that being gay is a sin, and Evolution is a lie. Now, every time I go to my in law's house, they ask me why I missed last week's sermon and I have to put up with a quick excuse, because I guess I cannot say it was because I was really uncomfortable there.

 

That being said, they are polite with me and always treat me with decency when I'm there, but I know that his father has already expressed his lack of approval about our relationship: " you don't have to save this girl" (like that was what bf wants to do), "religion is the most important thing in a relationship" (like bf weren't an closeted atheist), "you're doing things I do not agree with" (he has no idea of how many of them :cool:). I think I'd rather have this said in my face, because then I'd have a nice excuse to do not come back there, but since they're polite, if I'm the first to break this silent tension, I will probably look like the "villain" . The only thing that his father openly does to annoy me is to misname me by the former gf's name, which bothers me not because I'm jealous - I'm actually friends with this girl - but because I think it's disrespectful.

 

Last Saturday I thought I would lose it: Me and bf were in the living room, while his parents listened to some pastor's podcast (?) with his uncle and aunt. The podcast quickly escalated to some paranoid lie that gay people are fighting to force Christian's to marry them. Then the pastor talked about how liberals want to make every child transgender and how dangerous that was. When he started talking about the dangers of relationships were one of the partners is not Christian, my mother in law quickly turned the volume down (I do sympathize with her a bit, because I think it must have been traumatizing to grow up as a woman in such environment, so it's easier to feel pity and not anger). By then I was really forcing myself to keep quiet, but my blood was boiling already.

 

My bf dislikes this kind of thinking as way, but he got used to it and likes to avoid confrontation as much as possible. I guess it's easier to tolerate intolerance when you're a straight white guy - even if you're not prejudiced yourself. I, on the other hand, I'm not used to it, and I'm the target of those speeches, so it's harder to stay quiet. I dream of letting his family know how many "ungodly" things their son has already done, just for the pleasure of forcing them to face the XXI century, but I can't, because my bf will be hurt by the drama that will follow. I do hope that they will figure out by themselves, though...

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Life is short and you don’t have to spend time with people who hate something fundamental about you.

 

If there was a way you could offer short social things that are structured and don’t involve hate talk (outings to coffee, theatre, movies come to mind), then you could lessen your unstructured time with them whilst still leaving the door open for friendliness. But really you can disengage with or without that.

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Stop going over there, then. It's one thing if you've got the Westboro Baptist Church taking up the street when you've gotta get past them to pull out rent money. It's another if you're voluntarily entering someone's home as a guest when you already know you don't like them or their beliefs.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't "tolerate" it because his phenotype and sexual orientation dictate as such. He tolerates it because it's his livelihood at stake, not yours. They're his parents, and, perhaps unfortunately, he can't exchange them. It's a minefield he has to delicately navigate, and if so much as an ounce of you is itching to throw him into the line of fire to satiate your own impulses, you've really got to do him the favor of staying out of that home. Unfortunately, given his proximity to his parents, that may speak to the relationship overall being unsustainable.

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Luckily, they are not your in-laws just your bf's folks. How long have you been dating? Does your bf live with them? Why are you hanging out there this much? Do the parents tell you this directly or is your bf relating this info to you? As long as they are polite to you, they don't have to accept you or your ways/beliefs any more than you have to accept them or their ways and beliefs. Your bf has no reason to confront them. Forcing you on them would be silly on his part also.Unfortunately you sound very incompatible with him, his upbringing and his closeness to his family.

Said bf is not Christian. He even goes to church to make them happy. they are polite with me and always treat me with decency when I'm there. My bf dislikes this kind of thinking as way, but he got used to it and likes to avoid confrontation as much as possible.
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If you are at their house what does it matter what they do?

 

I don't agree with what they do bit that doesn't mean i think they should be forced to stop. It is their house right?

 

Do you want your bf to disown his parents for you?

 

I have the same issues you do. I live in the South and am constantly bombarded with this crap.

 

My family tries to indoctrinate my children into their religious ways of thinking. Now with that I have threatened if they try to brainwash my child they won't be allowed to see them.

 

But I also am not going to freak out if they pray before dinner because that is just what they do. But taking them to church without my permission is a no tolerance issue.

 

But it sounds like you are fairly young and inlaws pushing your relationship boundaries shouldn't be such a fight.

 

If they annoy you then don't be around them as much. But they are entitled to be as racist and sexist as they won't in their own home.

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I know you said you've kept as to yourself as much as you are able the things you know they would disapprove of, so who knows how they would react if you were open about them, but from your description, your bf's family is interacting with you in a way that is normal and polite for conservative Christians. Since their son isn't honest about being an atheist, they assume he shares their beliefs (which he is actively encouraging them to do by continuing to attend church and not speaking up about his beliefs) and they are giving him wise counsel according to those beliefs. Obviously, since you don't agree with their worldview, you don't agree with their advice to him and you are bothered by the views that are openly expressed as normal in the household--but it doesn't sound like they are harassing YOU about behaving in certain ways or not being good enough, etc.

 

It's their house, their family, and their religious beliefs. It's not fair to ask them to change everything they hold to be right and true because you, a guest in their home, dislike it. Having said that, trying to hold your tongue and not make waves indefinitely sounds exhausting. There's really only two ways out of the situation - open up honest discussion or remove yourself from the situation. Both solutions have unpleasant consequences, of course, but there's no getting around that.

 

Your bf could come clean with his family, which would then clear the way for you to be more honest as well. There very well might be family drama, but the family could also surprise you both. At least then they would have the option to try to avoid offending you, whereas it seems now that they have no idea how you feel about their beliefs. If they respond badly, then it becomes easier to avoid spending as much time with them. Or, the two of you could agree to spend less time together with his family -- but if you see this being a ltr, that would cause its own problems down the road.

 

If for whatever reason, your bf hase no intention of ever letting his parents know that he's only pretending to be a Christian, and would react badly to you "stirring up drama" about being open about your own lifestyle and beliefs, then if you stay with him, then look forward to increasing pressure to silently conform to the family's expectations whenever you're around them. It's your choice whether to put up with it, spill the beans, or just remove yourself from the equation.

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This is an interesting point. Perhaps he's not being honest with her about being Christian. He may want to 'wait until marriage' with someone when he meets someone more compatible and in line with everyone and everything he knows..

Since their son isn't honest about being an atheist, they assume he shares their beliefs
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" you don't have to save this girl": you could choose to interpret this to mean "you don't have to TRY TO CHANGE this girl"

 

And the reverse can be true: "YOU don't have to change this boyfriend/these in-laws/other people"

 

Acceptance of differences can go both ways, despite the differences in beliefs or discomfort and inner conflict. You could set an example and they might learn something over time that they otherwise might never encounter. If you are not honest (by making up excuses or white lies when answering them), how will they know you? You don't have to be blatant or confrontational or disrespect their beliefs, and can go about just quietly being you and connecting WITH them where you can find common ground. Is there anything you like or accept about them? Can you dwell there when in their company?

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If the parents are nice to you and warm and welcoming when you are present, why are you having an issue with them? Not everyone will agree with everything we do or we are -- but how they treat us is what counts. Honestly, if my brother started dating a woman who smoked and was bisexual, I would be really concerned for him because he is my brother...And how they interacted with eachother in front of me -- whether they naturally played off of eachother/seemed like they were a comfortable fit or whether the woman he is dating seemed to want to go out of her way to seem edgy, their body language made it seem that there was tension between them, etc. was she hanging all over him inappropriately, etc. And obviously if i knew she was bi - i am a protective older sister and would be afraid of him being hurt.

 

I say if you love your guy then you find some common ground - if one of them is a foodie or into trying new foods/cooking and so are you -- if you know one of them collects something or they like a particular hobby - there is a way to connect.

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