I Don't Know If He's Cheating On Me? Or Am I Crazy? Help!!!!

Where do I even begin?

 

Okay so let me start with some background on myself. I'm a 19 year old girl getting involved in her first real relationship. I come from a dysfunctional family, so I never had the greatest role models in the world. My mom comes from dysfunction and so didn't have the time or the tools necessary for healthy, functional relationships. I had two abusive, toxic relationships with two girls, but it never went beyond much. I was four years younger than both of these women and 14 when I met the first one. It was just extremely abusive and toxic.

 

I had two years to work on myself. I didn't even think about dating. I made so much self improvement and I'm happy with myself. I'm finally happy and stable in my life.

 

Back in October, I met my bf. We didn't even think about dating. We were just friends. Ironically, his ex basically introduced us. We both hate mushrooms and started talking about food, because she was having a meal with mushrooms in it? She teased and said we should go on a date to talk about it. Funnily enough, I would be stealing him two months later. :3

 

I keep writing out our story, but I'll just get to where I'm struggling.

 

We just hit three months on the 7th. He's officially the longest relationship I have had consecutively. I can't say enough good about him. He's so sweet, attentive, and just amazing. He's not abusive, he had never once put me down. He's understanding and does nothing but lift me up and treat me like I'm his princess. We are a great fit. He knows about my trust issues and that I've been in abusive relationships. Because of all the self improvement, I broke the cycle. I know I won't continue the chain of abuse. I was given those tools and now I do see that I was attracting what I was familiar to. That's why this is so scary for me.

 

Everything is amazing. It feels too good to be true. He's just incredible. He's good for my mental health, he takes care of me. I take care of him. It's 50/50 but some days it's 80/20 when we have down days. We are flexible with the effort. He's so patient with me and too good.

 

This is where I'm having doubts. Because of my anxiety and past experiences, I am having these warning bells go through my head. "It's going too well! Something is wrong! He's probably cheating on you! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" Because I'm used to chaos and not actual love, I'm freaking out. I know this.

 

He's going through a lot and I'm supporting him through it. He appreciates it. I make it an effort to make him feel wanted and cared for, like he can rely on me. I was his pillar. He's making a lot of life changes and I'm proud of him. He does have perfect timing, though. (It's a joke of ours. His timing sucks.) the day before we hit 3 months he told me he loved me. I kinda knew it was coming. He was dropping hints and I could tell he wanted to say it when we would hang out. I didn't respond for a few hours because I did freak. I came to the conclusion I loved him as well.....my first real love. I freaked out.

 

Well, I was happy. I'm in love. Someone is in love with me. Yay! Shouldn't it just be that?

 

The day we hit three months, his damn ex shows up on a discord server we are on. I had never been a fan of her. I've known her longer than him, and I didn't know they had been together until after I got with him. This isn't a jealous girlfriend. I just never liked her. She doesn't sound like good girlfriend material, either. There's just something about certain people you just can't like....I don't judge people based on rumors or first impressions. I observe.

 

Seriously though, why did she show up the day after he tells me he loves me and the day we hit three months? I know they still talk. He told me when I got with him. We don't talk much about our ex's. I don't control who he talks to. I will never do that. If someone makes me uncomfortable maybe I will talk to him about it, but I will never tell him who he can and can't talk to. I just won't do that.

 

I've been up since 4 am and I just lost half of this post. I'm exhausted.

 

Anyways, I've been having anxiety about the relationship. Is he cheating on me? Whenever we are on call on discord I hear the notifications go off like crazy and he types a lot even while talking to me. We are busy people and don't get a lot of time together so sometimes I want him to not respond to them? He told me he's has people act passive aggressive with him because he didn't respond fast enough. Honey, no. You don't get to get upset because a taken man isn't giving you attention. He's my mine....I don't even get passive aggressive with him! I hardly ever double text! If I know he's not busy, I'll text him again after 4+ hours. I'm usually busier than he is anyways. I don't blow up his phone, I don't hound him for attention. We have a respectful and loving relationship.

 

Another thing that happened was we were bickering and teasing each other on chat like usual. It can come off as very mean and aggressive, but it makes us laugh. One new person said "awww is it just me, or do you two remind me of an old married couple who grew up in the time of memes?" That's funny because we love memes and have a great sense of humor. Anyways.....I told him we should tone it down because people are suspecting. I wanted to see how he would react. He told me not to worry about it and it just seems like normal banter....I kind of want people to know we are a couple....

 

 

What really had me seeing the flags was yesterday....

 

On the chat we are on together, I'm pretty popular. Especially with creepy guys. He teases me about it all the time. One guy was being disrespectful to me even though he knows I'm taken. We knew about this. When we first got together my bf said we would drop the bomb after one or two months. I forgot about it because I was just happy with my idiot. I also took a break from the online world for over a month. We just didn't want people meddling in our relationship. I don't want people to be in my business. That's my relationship so I was okay with it. (He was the one talking about how funnybit would be to see the creeps reactions.)

 

I wanted to avoid bringing it up for a while since his ex had showed up so I didn't seem possessive or like I'm trying to brag to her he's mine. It's not like that at all. I can't tell my family about us or his family, so I just want some people to know. I want to be a girlfriend someone can be proud of...I want security.

 

I asked if it would be cool to drop the bomb yesterday and he said "Nah, I don't want people meddling." I get that, I really do. I said "but you were the one who said two months?" He was saying he saw how chat reacts and doesn't want to have the creeps cause problems? Uhmmmm....Dude? You know how chat is? You knew before? It sounded like the weakest excuse and it hurt me...he said give it more time. How much more time?

 

Does he not want his ex to know? Does he still have feelings for her? Like it's just so shady how he was all up for seeing how others would react to us being together but now since she's been around he doesn't want to? She was the one who ended things....so idk. He's s great guy I don't know how any girl could hurt him. Does he not want other girls to know? He's a good looking guy and could have any girl really. He's introverted and doesn't go out much except to exercise or if it's with family....but still....it's online. He says he's fiercely monogamous like I am. I would never, ever put someone through that pain.....plus I have intimacy issues so it's like he's the only one I want touching me or flirting with me.

 

It just seems so damn suspicious. I just want to be a girlfriend someone can be proud of. I want to be his number one girl. His only one. I'm not saying I don't want him being friends withgirls. I don't think he even says he's taken. I don't think his ex knows. I was a dirty secret for the longest time. I don't want to be his secret. Ugh. I'm serious about this man and I love him. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to not trust him.

 

He's handled my anxieties pretty well. hes really too good to be true....ugh I just want to stop feeling like this. I don't want to put him in the same category as my ex's. Is he cheating?

So wait a minute, has he not told anyone you are his girlfriend?

 

If not, then yes, you are right to be worried. That's not how a guy in love behaves, OP.

I was four years younger than both of these women and 14 when I met the first one. It was just extremely abusive and toxic.

Just in case you didn't know, if you were having sex with these two women then you can have them charged with statutory rape if you were only 14. (unless of course the age of consent is 13/14 where you live). These were same sex relationships then?

 

I can't tell my family about us or his family,

Why is that, Takeachance?

 

Before I comment further, I think I'd like to know that answer to that question.

 

I will say that the two of you spend far too much time chatting on line with other people. You even chat online with one another when you could be doing what you're doing face to face without other women and men knowing your business. For someone who doesn't want people "meddling" you'd think he's stop needing all this online attention.

Right now I am in a time of my life where I have to focus on my family. I can't have a relationship and my mom and sister worry about me because of how I was treated by the first two. My mom is trying to build her business, and so I'm still at home working on helping her build/take care of my sisters. I'm in a state where age of consent is 18, and four years is a huge age difference in the teen years. I realize now how not okay it was. We never had sex (thank god) though one of them wanted to take me out of my state to go somewhere legal. Luckily I had enough common sense (as sick as I was) to not do anything stupid.

 

My mom and sister just know him as my friend. My sister likes him and she hates people and is usually a good judge of character . He is the only person I have been with who has won her approval. (Onlybone other guy has won her approval and he was amassing. That was my cousins bf so I do trust my sis.) but yeah, I'm going to wait a bit longer before I tell my mom about being in a relationship with him if we last that long.

 

Also, he's in the same boat as me with his family. They're not native English speakers, so there's a language barrier as well. I mean, I'm Mexican but never learned how to speak, and their Spanish is wildly different than the Spanish I grew up around.

Don't let your mother and her endeavours come between you and a good man. If he loves you (as he says he does) then there your relationship should not be a secret to your family, his family or stranger dweebs on the internet.

 

My suggestion: Tell him you are going to tell your family that you and him are dating and then gauge his reaction. If he tells you not to then you have something to worry about. If he's on board then good. Then once you've done that, tell him you would like him to do the same with his family and then see what he has to say about that as well. Once that's taken care of (and he agrees) then you can ask him to state his relationship status online in a few weeks down the line.

 

His response will either alleviate or confirm your suspicions. Your gut is telling you something or you're past relationship history is causing your anxiety. Best to figure out which one it is.

Yeah he hasn't told anyone. I mean we both don't have a large friend group and again there are circumstances that prevent us from saying anything. I at least would like him to say I'm his gf on the discord server we are on. We have the anonymity of the internet there. So yes there are red flags and it sucks. He's so healthy and supportive and pretty open about everything else. Only one of our mutual friends knows we are together, but that was by sheer luck. We didn't want to tell anyone. My friend found out because he's a scary scientist who just picks up on these things. People know I'm taken, I just haven't said who my bf is.

 

Now with your response I am definitely worried. I do love him. He's amazing to me....and this recently just happened. I don't know what to do. I freaked out on him yesterday (I was just emotional and told him that I'm not feeling secure because of my anxiety and I am sometimes afraid to speak my feelings because of my past experiences.) he handled it so well and was just supportive. He's so amazing. After my talk with him I was feeling like my normal self, but then I started thinking about his ex, and yeah. He usually has all the morals and opinions I do about relationships.

 

I don't know what to do. I do have a therapist but I won't see her until Friday. I'm losing sleep. I haven't been sleeping well the last three days. Is it my intuition? Or Am I just being horrible and unhealthy to him?

Is it my intuition? Or Am I just being horrible and unhealthy to him?

Probably your general anxiety but keeping one another a secret isn't helping with that.

 

Either you trust him or you don't. What is it?

We just really don't want our families to know. Right now he decided not to go back to college because he needs time to figure out who he is. He's been doing stuff for other people his whole life like I have. (We are both first born children from Latino families do we understand how it is.) I can't have a relationship that's open to them right now. I just would rather not tell them. I know I won't let my mom dictate my life. I'm a young adult.

 

However, I do understand what you're saying. Maybe I'll just tell him I will to see his reaction. He's really amazing, kind of dense at times. He's really sweet and softer than most guys I have met.

OP, a good relationship doesn't need to be a secret from the entire world. I have a feeling you're going along with it only because you are afraid he will bail if you rightfully want some general recognition as his girlfriend.

 

You two are young, but you're not children. He needs to put on his Big Boy Pants and act like you are his girlfriend.

 

There is no way I would accept being treated like a dirty little secret, particularly when it comes to his ex. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. What kind of future is possible if nobody even knows you're together? He's sending the wrong kind of signals to his ex. Not good.

Don't get addicted to being in a codependent relationship with your mother. Yes, you are a grown adult young woman who is entitled to have a life of her own and not lose herself in her parents life due to feeling obligated for her... she's is an adult as well and you can certainly keep helping her in her business while being in a relationship.

 

All parents who give a chit about their kids well being worry about who they are pairing up with so don't make that your excuse not to tell her. If this guy is the epitome of virtue that you paint him to be then they will be happy to know that you've hitched yourself to a good man.

 

Are you familiar with codependency? I think you would do well to look into it so that you don't learn unhealthy attachment, a need to fix or start caretaking which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregiving. You are currently in the mindset of a caretaker when it comes to your mother.

You hit the nail on the head. Yeah I'm going along with it because I don't want him to bail. I'm used to breaking up over the littlest thing with my ex's. This is the only thing I'm holding my tongue on. I don't want to lose him but I also feel like he's afraid it will come off as a "site relationship." I'm not someone who needs to constantly be like "hahaha he's my babe lol I love him so much!" We also don't want to make things weird on a public server, if that makes sense.

 

I do feel like I'm a dirty secret, but it makes me think that it's because I was a dirty secret to someone else. It could be my past relationship issues getting to me. I know I'm young, but I do know what I want. I don't like dating around so I just really want to find the right one for me. He's everything I could want. It's really only this issue. We haven't even fought! We don't even get upset with each other! He's only seen me angry at other people, never him.

 

I do understand his reasoning to an extent.

 

This was the conversation we had.

 

" Me: Can I drop the bomb when he's around so he backs off?

Him:Nah. Don't want people trying to meddle. If he keeps pushing, block him. He's part of the group that will be troublesome should they know.

Me: You were okay with telling people after like two months?

Him: Yeah. But after seeing how they behave?

Me: They?

Him: The chat, people. Let's give it a bit more time. And knowing *name*, I don't trust him regardless of him knowing we are together."

 

So yeah. All I'm asking is acknowledgement online. He knows I was the dirty gay secret for two girls yet he's making me feel that same way. Yet he's confusing me.

 

I just told him I needed a day or two to process some things and he said, "Well, you know you have my full support in anything. Let me know if there is anything you can do." I just don't want to seem possessive or clingy. I don't ever want to be toxic or abusive, so I think I'm going to the other extreme of just being passive again and letting my feelings fester.

I'm very familiar with codependency. I know I am in that mindset, she just does so much and doesn't have anyone else to help her. She has a toxic family and I'm just trying to help her with her dream. I have been working on putting up healthy boundaries. It's a slow, painful process. I really appreciate all the help and advice.

Is this an online relationship?

He's still chatting to his ex and doesn't want HER to know which is basing your relationship on lies. He's hiding you cause he cares more about her feelings.

OP, you already have a thread going on the same topic:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=548156

 

It would be better to stick to one thread so your readers can have the proper context.

At the moment it is since we are both so busy, but we are part of this discord server that has gotten quite big.

 

Yeah that's what some people have been saying. He's afraid to hurt her feelings which doesn't make sense since she has a boyfriend. (They were LDR but he still loved her.) I do love him and care about him deeply. He was a good friend first before we became more. We just naturally clicked....I didn't even know she was his ex until after we started dating. I don't know if he tells her or not. He doesn't tell me anything about who he talks to.

Ah, sorry. I'm new to this site and am just frustrated. >.

Ah, sorry. I'm new to this site and am just frustrated. >.

 

I think you are going to get the same responses here that you did in your other thread. Opening a new one won't change readers' perspectives.

What is a discord server?

How much do you see each other in person vs being personas on a gaming platform?

Let me get this straight, your biggest concern is getting him to announce you are both in a relationship on a discord server? That gaming hub where no one cares about anyone announcing anything like this and act like 8 year olds?? Your concerns are in the wrong place.

 

What you should be concerned about is how BOTH of you don't want to admit your relationship to the actual people that matter; your friends and family. Trust me, the online community could give two craps about this knowledge. However, those close to you do. They should be the ones you tell, all others are really not needed unless they hit on you. If there are people private messaging you, flirting, then it is up to that person to shut it down in a way they deem appropriate, such as blocking, not responding, stating they aren't single, shutting any flirting down by stating not to talk like that, etc. Any other public comments can just be ignored in general chat because it is just background noise (aka unimportant).

 

I believe you both are saying "I love you" to each other way too soon. Why? Being that early, even if you both feel it, is a red flag. You barely know each other (yes yes, I know you feel like you do in such a short amount of time where it felt right) and it's an unhealthy quick attachment. I would slow that kind of talk way down. Save it for later when you have given this enough time to properly know each other in the context of a romantic, committed relationship (6 months to a year) that will give the words a more heartfelt meaning.

 

Also, if he is still actively private messaging his ex, then he should state he is in a relationship with you. Not doing so is a bad sign, unless if his only interaction with the ex is on a public form.

How much do you see each other in person vs being personas on a gaming platform?

 

^Wanted to ask the same question. Is this relationship online?

 

I know how it is to be raised in a family like that. I'm 36 and I keep my relationships a secret from my mother because she would be devastated if she knew. Yes, devastated. Anyways, I just want to say that I don't find it weird keeping it a secret from our mother, but I do find it weird keeping it a secret from that online community. Heck, I find the importance you are giving this online community weird from the get go and I am a fan of technology and social media for years now. What is this place? Who are these people and why are they so important to both of you that your relationship needs to be hidden?

 

Someone who is in love doesn't keep their relationship hidden. That said,I do understand that if you tell people they do indeed tend to meddle, but that is easily controlled by how you handle it. In other words, if you don't want people to meddle, don't let them. It is possible.

 

I hope you're in therapy. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, combine that with a good therapist and you will get far very fast!