I still want him back

I need advice about my last “relationship”, if that’s how I can call it. Long story short, I met this guy online and before I could realise it I was head over heels in love with him. He’s 14 years older then me. He was charming, extraordinarily handsome and intelligent. But soon I learnt that he had more sides to him: he was controlling, manipulative, said he wanted me to be “obedient” and I felt like he had this double personality: a part was sweet and caring, the other was abusive. He has recently divorced, and I know he was violent and abusive with his ex wife. We never met, sadly, but he’d ask me to do things that I didn’t want to do, especially sexually (like sending him photos, buying sexy clothes and sex toys and so on). The whole thing only lasted a few weeks, then it came to the point where I forced myself to stop talking to him, since I was feeling completely drained. It was extremely painful, and a very hard decision to make, but I had no choice: I suffer from depression and the way he behaved with me worsened my psychological health. It’s been two weeks since when I last talked to him and I cannot get him out of my mind -I don’t wanna get him out of my mind. I still love him. I constantly think of him and play imaginary scenarios in my head and every day I fight the urge to call him back. I still find myself considering flying out to visit him (we live in different countries). I’m obsessed with him, I never felt like this with anyone else. But at the same time I’m aware he’s never going to change, and I don’t expect him to. If I gave in and told him I want him back, I know I’d have to endure all his “abuse” (I put the word between inverted commas because I’m not sure that’s the term I can use to describe his behaviour towards me), and I don’t have the strength for that. I just can’t do this anymore, I’m exhausted and I feel drained and more depressed than ever. I hope someone will give me good advice on the whole story.

Sorry to hear you got caught up in this. Immediately block and delete him from everything. Be grateful you never met. get a good profile and pics up on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting local decent men for coffee. Reflect on why you allowed a fantasy "relationship" like this to happen. What is missing from your life? Do not pursue contact with people like this who could be catfish, scammers or weirdos.

I know he was violent and abusive with his ex wife. We never met

That's not love, that's fantasy.

Block and delete him, and find someone local who will respect you.

Do not go visit him, you'll put your physical safety at risk.

No, no, no, no, no. This guy is some sort of sexual predator. You can fantasize about the danger he represents (the dangerous stranger), but if you go to him or keep in contact with him, you will be in real physical and emotional danger. This is not love. It's an emotional dependency driven by your depression. And if you're under 18, what he's been doing with you is a crime.

I’m not underage but I appreciate your concern. I understand that my mental state has lots to do with this. He’s not a sexual predator, that’s not how I meant to depict him

OP, you cannot love a man you have never met. You are confusing emotional dependence with love.

Are you currently in therapy for your depression? If so, print your post out and take it to your therapist. You need help in understanding why you attached yourself to such toxicity. If you are not, you need to see someone before you put yourself in harm's way with dangerous people like this cyber guy.

There is not getting him "back" as you never had a relationship to begin with. It's not sad that you never met; it's a darn good thing you didn't! You are unfortunately an easy target for an abuser. Please, do seek help, girl. Your view of love is very warped and unhealthy, it and will hurt you in the long run.

I'll join MissCanuck in saying that it's not at all sad you didn't meet, it's the best thing that could have happened. Real "charming, extraordinarily handsome and intelligent" men do not settle for online relationships and absolutely do not ask for pornographic material from the women they are interested in, unless they have an agenda. You need to be much smarter with your choices when it comes to online anything, romance included, because for all you know this man could have sold everything you sent - there's a whole nasty underground industry going on, and you basically put your fate in the hands of a complete stranger.

This was not a relationship, you are not in love with him, and you need to work on your depression so you can be ready to have a real life relationship with someone you can be with in the flesh and who knows how to treat a woman. This person was not it. In fact, he could be dangerous.

Whatever you do, do not contact him anymore, or you'll be setting yourself up to be used even further. It's great that you had the strength to cut it off when you did, now keep going and working on yourself and before you know it, you'll find yourself in a much healthier place. Just don't get discouraged and don't give in, you've done well so far!