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Thread: Small issues seem big

  1. #1
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    Small issues seem big

    This is a small issue but it creates huge problems. My boyfriend hates messiness and since I had my baby I知 not able to clean how he would like.

    It takes him 10 minutes to clean the room. It takes me 30. But when our family goes to look for our things, we can never find it.

    I had some important documents I needed for work, and they could have cost me my job. He discarded me without telling me because he said it look like Trash. It took me hours to get copies of that stuff.

    The other day my son went tplay his video game and all his games had been moved from the front room. We tore the house looking for them. It turns out his games were in my clothes closet. How does video games end up in a closet? Who would think to look there?

    Another time I had an important meeting. I already picked up my outfit and had it laid out. The next day when I went to get my clothes, everything was there except my blazer. It set me back 30 min. To keep from getting frustrated, I had to keep repeating to myself out loud, 的 am not crazy. Eventually I found my blazer in my panties drawer.

    I keep telling him that putting stuff anywhere so that they won稚 be in the way is not cleaning up. That is not how you clean up. His response is 的f you would clean up, I wouldn稚 have the chance to lose your stuff.

    It痴 so inconsiderate and disrespectful. I don稚 think he is being passive aggressive by losing our stuff. I know how much he hates clutter. I just need him to remember where he puts our things, or put things where they would most Likely be found. Like put medicine in the medicine cabinet, or file papers away in the filing cabinet... The places we find our things at never makes sense.


    I finally kicked him out. I can稚 believe I知 breaking up a family over a small issue as there are others that go through way worse but im looking for stuff almost 24 hours a day. I have to tare the whole house apart to find one item and by the time I find it the house looks worse than before.

    Another thing that also drives me nuts is that he changes events that happens or things that was said.

    A perfect example would be just last week I had a job interview because I知 not happy at my current job. He asked me to take him to work and I told him I didn稚 have time because it would make me late.

    He replied 添ou won稚 be late, my job is 5 minutes away from the interview site

    I know for a fact that his job is 20 minutes away from the place I知 supposed to be interviewing. We got into a argument about it but I went to the interview first and made him wait in the car.

    After the interview I took him to his job which took 20 minutes. So I said to him 的 thought your job was only 5 minutes away. What if I had listened to you? I would have missed the interview.

    He responded 的 never said that. What I said was, it was only a couple exits away.

    He does this so much to the point where I have to write what he says down or record him, because he is always cleaning up what he said. I feel crazy for having to record him but it痴 the only point of reference I have.

    What do I do? He had been gone for 7 days. These have been the best seven days of my life. No arguing. No looking for stuff.
    Last edited by Tinax; 03-09-2018 at 05:20 PM. Reason: Bad typos

  2. #2
    Gold Member Cope's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinax
    What do I do? He had been gone for 7 days. These have been the best seven days of my life. No arguing. No looking for stuff.
    Open a champagne and celebrate?

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Cope
    Open a champagne and celebrate?
    Yup! Absolutely!

  4. #4
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    He sounds unpleasant. Being unpleasant isn't a small issue. Who wants to spend time with someone who is consistently making your life harder and doesn't care about the negative impact it has on you.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by rosephase
    He sounds unpleasant. Being unpleasant isn't a small issue. Who wants to spend time with someone who is consistently making your life harder and doesn't care about the negative impact it has on you.
    I agree - it's how you look at it - if it was only the issue of clutter/neatness you could probably resolve it by hiring a cleaning service or some other logical approach. But as Rosephase wrote it goes deeper -it's why he is doing that. My husband and I each have annoying traits - I leave cabinet doors open, he has hoarding tendencies, he has little sense of time a lot of the time, I like to be punctual. But -we both do our best to communicate and to change - I actually pay attention the last couple of years to closing the cabinet door and he thinks he is doing better with clutter/hoarding. (lol). Basically if you felt your SO gave a darn you'd probably be willing to work out the details. But he does what he does because of an underlying lack of caring or wanting to get even - he throws your stuff away or puts it where you can't find it on purpose even if at the moment he's just throwing it wherever. It would make me crazy because I get what you're saying - you set things out the night before (as do I) in a certain way so that you can maximize your time in the morning and multi-task and not have to do too much pre-coffee actual thinking.

    Seriously, if my watch and water bottle aren't in exactly the same place each night for the next race to the school bus morning I'd be lost. And if he knows that about you then it's not a small thing if he deliberately sabotages that or doesn't care enough about your needs. You want someone who gives a darn. And if that person messes up, you know he meant well, if that person acts clueless and you know he meant well, it goes a long way. Especially if he genuinely tells you that he meant well (even if he doesn't get why it's such a big deal to you). You can work with that right? If you know you can/could then feel comfortable with your decision IMHO.
    Good luck.

  7. #6
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    I guess it痴 hard for me because he isn稚 cheating, or doing anything that would be considered a deal breaker by most people.

    And Like I mentioned he isn稚 been passive aggressive by loosing our stuff. He just doesn稚 care.

    The other thing I mentioned is big. He starts arguments and then cleans up what he says or he won稚 take responsibility for causing arguemtns.

    One Sunday night I was getting ready for Monday morning so I decided to get my babies bag ready to give me extra time in the morning. I went to get the bottles from the sink to wash and steralize them, but there were no bottles in the sink.

    I asked him where they were. He answered 的 already washed and sterilized them. They are in the drying rack

    Of course I knew they weren稚 in the drying rack, because obviously I would have saw them. But I went in the kitchen anyway to appease my boyfriend.

    I came back and said to him 鼎an you show me where in the drying rack are they? He looked at me as if I were stupid and told me I needed to find them myself.

    So I looked all over the kitcen. The cabinets, under the sink, and the broken dishwasher that we don稚 use. I came back to him and said 釘aby I looked for them. Since you already cleaned them can you just show me where you put them?


    He then replied 的f you don稚 see them then I don稚 know what to tell you. I知 done talking. He then gave me the silent treatment.


    Well I知 like since you are going to ignore me there is no reason to be here. I ended up going to my dads house to spend the night and left him with the kids.

    That started another argument. Everything got blown out of proportion.

    It turns out the bottles were in the babies diaper bag. He washed them SATURDAY and assumed they would still be in the drying rack SUNDAY. I知 not sure how he thought the bottles would be clean, as my baby takes about 8 bottles a day.

    When all the arguing was over, I said to him You know had you just went to the drying rack, and saw that they were gone we wouldn稚 have had anything to argue about.

    His response 滴ad you just looked there wouldn稚 be any thing to argue about.

    But the thing is, I DID look. I looked for clean bottles because he said they were clean. I wouldn稚 look in a diaper bag for clean bottles.

  8. #7
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    He has been calling me everyday to ask can he come home. It makes me feel so bad but we argue so much, and the root of the argument is always something small and could have been avoided.

    I know couples argue. People don稚 agree on everything and I知 ok with that, but what we do is not healthy.

    He keeps asking to come home because In the past he would leave. He would leave for one day, than two, and som on. The last time it was six days. I did not miss him at all but I needed help with the baby. Now my baby is older and I don稚 require all that help. He can stay gone.

    I feel bad for him, but I think that last time he was gone and I didn稚 ask him to come back he should have took that as a warning that I was getting used to being alone.

    He tried to be controlling by packing his bags after every argument (which was hard because it meant I had to do everything by myself) but it actually backfired to me realizing I do everything by myself anyway.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If you let him come back, it should be on the condition that he join you in marriage counseling and if after "graduation" he is still the maddening dolt that you have painted him to be, then leave him for good and don't feel sorry for him... he will have made the bed he's going to have to sleep in.

  10. #9
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    Is this his child too? Some of this might be communication and it might have worked better to write things out or post something on the fridge that says where things go.

  11. #10
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    It痴 his child.
    And I don稚 have to put a note on the fridge. He knows where everything goes he just doesn稚 want to put the effort into putting things away where they should be

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