Am I fooling myself into thinking this can really work?

I’m new here...I’m sorry this is so long...

My partner and I have been together for a year. Mostly great relationship, although he certainly has a temper and can explode over very small issues - he gets over them just as quickly though and doesn’t seem to agree he was ever that “mad” in the first place. The blowups are fairly few and far between and I’ve gotten good at sidestepping the minefields. Overall, fun, affection, care - best relationship of my life.

In the fall, he left his stable senior management role for a senior executive role within a small, privately held company - long story short, what was promised to him was a complete fabrication and he was quickly out of a job all together.

This put a big strain on us as we were just moving in together to his house and already spending our giant double income in our heads. Boom! It’s gone, and I’m footing all the bills for almost 4 months.

He doesn’t scrimp during this time - booze, lots of food, nights out with friends, we went on vacation and did some big house purchases. Bleeding my savings dry and stressing me out along the way. When I tried to talk to him about it he freaked out - fragile male ego for sure - about how he is a drain on us, he will pay me back and I can leave him, etc. I calmed him down and tried to just suck it up and remember it’s a temporary situation.

He finally gets a new job but it’s with a small start-up which can barely afford to pay him anything now, with the promise of a bigger salary “in the next 6 months or so”. So financially we aren’t much better ahead, and now have more bills (gas to work, dog sitter, etc) and he’s out a lot more often since the guys at the company like to finish work days with beers that turn into late nights.

He had to go out of town for work and when he came back, text messages kept popping up from the same woman - I asked him about it, he claims it was just one of their suppliers and all work related. I had my doubts - we’re talking texting at 11 pm on Saturday. I checked his cell bill (I know) and they were texting literally 100s of times per day. We got in a huge fight, physically wrestling to get his phone, and I read enough to see she was looking to leave her boyfriend, can’t stop thinking about my guy and his hug, blah blah. He claims he’d been so unhappy with me, feeling like nothing he did was good enough, that I was miserable with him, trying to control him, etc and that she was a sympathetic ear. I asked him to tell her it’s work only from now on and I think he did - I’ve seen a few emails that have been purely professional and she never seems to pop up on his phone anymore.

I should note there was one other instance of him basically sexting a girl he used to date after we had a big fight. He again claims it happened from moment of weakness and anger, and he cut it off quickly. In both cases, I do believe him when he says nothing physically did - or would - happen. But I think he likes positive female attention and needs it to feel good about himself.

A week after this most recent blowout - the worst blowout we’ve ever had - we found out we’re pregnant. He is thrilled. He’s apologized a million times for not being the partner I deserve, ever making me feel that I wasn’t his priority, read a million things about baby’s development and is treating me like a queen. By all accounts, we’re back to our former place as a strong team.

Is this too good to be true? Is it possible that I really busted him on the only two instances he’s been sketchy with other women? Can he really be this good and loyal now, or am I fooling myself into thinking the temporary elation of a new baby will carry us through a happy and peaceful future together?

Would love any feedback.

Sadly the answer is likely yes. Leopards do not change their spots. I suggest you do spy on him very meticulously. Read Gottman, he knows what successful couples do.

Shady doesn’t change because you have a baby.

Lots of shady cheating folks out there have kids , jus sayin’.

Sadly the answer is likely yes. Leopards do not change their spots. I suggest you do spy on him very meticulously. Read Gottman, he knows what successful couples do.

I will definitely check out his books - I hadn’t heard of him. Thanks!

Yeah, he won't change. Honestly, I'd leave just because of the anger issues. Would you really want your child do be around that?How does he treat the dog/s?

Yeah, he won't change. Honestly, I'd leave just because of the anger issues. Would you really want your child do be around that?How does he treat the dog/s?

He’s great to the dogs. And I may have misrepresented the “anger” part - it’s more like he’ll just argue and argue passive aggressively and won’t let something small go, not an explosion of rage throwing stuff or name calling or anything like that.

Is this too good to be true? Is it possible that I really busted him on the only two instances he’s been sketchy with other women? Can he really be this good and loyal now, or am I fooling myself into thinking the temporary elation of a new baby will carry us through a happy and peaceful future together?

More or less, yes.

He is not trustworthy. You know he was shady before, and now you've caught him testing the waters again. It's possible these are the only two instances, but there shouldn't have been any instances to begin with. You're dealing with a very immature man if he needs secret female attention to feel good about himself, but that is not the extent of it. He was hiding this from you, and it was evidently a budding emotional affair. You can't say he wouldn't have taken it further, nor that it already hasn't gone further. As others have pointed out, having a baby doesn't prevent someone from cheating. I can name plenty of parents I know personally who have been unfaithful.

He isn't loyal. He's excited about the idea of being a dad, but his behaviour has shown you he's awful as a partner. I would also be concerned about how he's going to work with you to provide financially, not to mention manage his anger. You shouldn't need to be sidstepping minefields, and sadly, that is likely to get worse as the stress of a new baby magnifies the problems between you. Yes, a baby brings a lot of joy but it's also one of the most difficult jobs you'll ever have. Without a solid foundation as a couple, you are likely in for even more rough water ahead.

I would make an appointment with a couple's counselor and a financial planner. You are going to need to both, by the sounds of it. Don't take him at his word that he won't do it again. His word, as you know, is not to be trusted.

More or less, yes.

 

He is not trustworthy. You know he was shady before, and now you've caught him testing the waters again. It's possible these are the only two instances, but there shouldn't have been any instances to begin with. You're dealing with a very immature man if he needs secret female attention to feel good about himself, but that is not the extent of it. He was hiding this from you, and it was evidently a budding emotional affair. You can't say he wouldn't have taken it further, nor that it already hasn't gone further. As others have pointed out, having a baby doesn't prevent someone from cheating. I can name plenty of parents I know personally who have been unfaithful.

 

He isn't loyal. He's excited about the idea of being a dad, but his behaviour has shown you he's awful as a partner. I would also be concerned about how he's going to work with you to provide financially, not to mention manage his anger. You shouldn't need to be sidstepping minefields, and sadly, that is likely to get worse as the stress of a new baby magnifies the problems between you. Yes, a baby brings a lot of joy but it's also one of the most difficult jobs you'll ever have. Without a solid foundation as a couple, you are likely in for even more rough water ahead.

 

I would make an appointment with a couple's counselor and a financial planner. You are going to need to both, by the sounds of it. Don't take him at his word that he won't do it again. His word, as you know, is not to be trusted.

To further this, think about it he's excited on the dad fantasy, but when he'll be sleep deprived and changing diapers after his workday and beers, do you really think he will still be as

excited and happy, or wont seek other females attention since it's very likely you sex life will also suffer ?

I am not suggesting cutting a dad from his child, this also is not good for the infant's development and stability, but counseling seems indeed mandatory in your case so you can be

certain he will be a good partner in this, because make no mistakes raising a healthy child is one of the most difficult things in a life.

Sorry to hear this. How long have you known him? What was the hurry to move into his house and get pregnant? Read up on abusive relationships and the cycle of violence. Right now it's just another honeymoon phase. The blow ups and drinking and cheating and job/money issues will not only continue, they will get worse and even more devastating when you are saddled with his child and completely over invested.

Moving lightening fast like this and the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde nature of this is all part of it. At some level you know this but as most abusive relationships, you are so over-invested by now you will try to remain in denial to avoid the horrible truth.

My partner and I have been together for a year. we were just moving in together to his house.we found out we’re pregnant.

He’s great to the dogs. And I may have misrepresented the “anger” part - it’s more like he’ll just argue and argue passive aggressively and won’t let something small go, not an explosion of rage throwing stuff or name calling or anything like that.

Yet......my STBXH of 20 years started out like normal and gradually became worse, physically, emotionally and mentally. He did not change as he kept promising, even 2 kids and 3 dogs later.......believe me, it will get worse. I would think very carefully about continuing a relationship with this man - he has started as he means to go on. You cannot "change" him (was my mistake I think). Please take care and put yourself and baby first.

Unfortunately he will not change. Despite nothing physical, he was still emotionally cheating and I don’t know this for sure, but can he just cut off this woman he’s been texting 100 times a day?

Honestly, leaving a stable senior mgmt job for a startup is the bigger red flag - suggests risk taking and impulsivity - need to do your due diligence before making a leap like that.

 

Is this too good to be true? Is it possible that I really busted him on the only two instances he’s been sketchy with other women?

He may never physically cheat, but he's broken. What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. My husband was sexting some ex for 4 months in the Fall, and I caught him in December. Sure, she was the one to start and keep going (I've chatted with her), but he was still sexting back. And two years before that, not sexting, but talking to an old classmate of his in secret, and a year before that.

You've only been dating for a year, and he's chronically (100s and 100s of texts) cheating, and blames you for his behavior. My hubby may have been foolish, and has a lot of issues to work through from his histrionic mom, but he knows he's got problems, and is not going,

he’d been so unhappy with me, feeling like nothing he did was good enough, that I was miserable with him, trying to control him

Any guy who does that is a giant victim who will keep doing crap behind your back over and over again because you enable it, by taking him back over and over.

Unless he actually gets help for this problem, he is not going to be a good partner. I'm sorry; it is scary and hard because you have a baby cooking in the mix. Yes, no one wants to be told they can co-parent, but it's either you can just swallow this, or let him go. The third option is to not make it so easy for him. I know he's goodie two shoes right now, but what will happen when the stress of the baby comes, when you have zero time for him, let alone yourself - does this mean, he can go sexting again???

Give him a hard time; it takes 9 months to cook, so let him work on his issues with a professional. And he can still come to all the appts, until you can both work through this. But trust me, a baby does not fix a broken relationship; it's not their job to do so either!