Mom v boyfriend

So I am 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. My mom just found out he smokes pot and is threatening to shun me if i do not break up with him. He is an amazing man who treats me incredibly well, but now she just sees him as a bad person who is a pothead, has no future, and will eventually abuse me due to his "addiction". Although he does have an addiction, he has never laid a hand on me and he is not a major pothead. He will smoke 3 times a week at most and is able to go a couple of weeks without smoking. He has made major progress being that he used to smoke up to 10 blunts a day in high school and now he does not smoke nearly as much. I do not know what to do and need advice asap 😔

... you don't get addicted to pot. It is a bad habit just like my tendency to go to McDonald's and order the Grand Mac more than I should. Anyway, your mom is looking out for you, but should respect your decision.

What does "shun" mean in this context?

He needs to stop his pot habit in order for you to continue seeing him. You need to have this talk with him. It is true that your Mom is looking out for you. He will stop if you are important to him. chi

When I was your age, I dated guys who smoked weed and did cocaine, and it didn't bother me at the time because lacking adult life experience, I wasn't thinking of my future with them, and didn't end up with them anyway. As an adult looking back, one time the guy who did weed T-boned another car when I was in the passenger seat. I remember trying to stop the car with the imaginary pedal I was pushing seconds before he put the real break on. I believe his reaction was delayed due to narcotics use.

And the guy who used cocaine? I think it affected his libido.

You might not end up with him long term, but let's consider if you did. You'd be sharing expanses. Life is expensive. Do you really want someone who has an expensive habit like purchasing weed, when that money could be spent on food and clothes and utilities and eating out once in a while? If you had children together and you needed him in a pinch to pick up one of the kids unexpectedly from school, etc. What if he was high? How would he do drive safely?

From a website: Repeated exposure to marijuana smoke can lead to daily cough and excess phlegm production, more frequent acute chest illnesses, and a greater risk of lung infections. Marijuana also affects the immune system.

Who needs someone who doesn't take care of their body? You end up listening to constant coughing and being around someone who is more susceptible of getting sick when it was preventable.

When thinking ahead to what you want in a LTR, you should have standards and stick to them. Attend some NarAnon meetings and see what others are going through long term. Everything is shiny and new about him now, but as the newness wears off, you might start looking at him more realistically without rose-colored glasses and the addiction might cause more strife than you anticipated.

Your mother cares about you and she's experienced a lot more in life than you. Perhaps it's time to listen to her. I think back on things my parents prevented me from doing and was upset at the time, but now I'm glad they placed boundaries on me for my own good.

That's like saying you don't get addicted to alcohol. Some people can drink normally and some become alcoholics. I was addicted to pot. It's a psychological crutch and can be addicting, although not physically (although I did have withdrawals when I quit). I'm not saying OPs mom is right but to say people can't have a pot addiction is ignorant.

Well, the people I know who've smoke pot have been pretty lazy. Supposedly about 50% of people smoke pot at least once a month recreationally, but as a parent, I would be concerned too. And I would be concerned that you would be smoking it as well. You might ask him to quit for your sake.

Without wanting to spark the weed vs alcohol debate. What is the difference between having a little spliff 3 times a week and having a couple of pints 3 times a week?

As weed slowly becomes legal in more and more places, the 'illegal' argument is being removed.

Driving on alcohol or any drugs, including US prescription drugs is an issue.

Yes, pot can be somewhat addictive, but more in the social way as opposed to the chemical addiction of heavier drugs.

Yes, you mother is just looking out for you, but you are 19 and considered an adult, so you can make up your own mind. If he has reduced his smoking since school, which is a common thing as his social group has splintered, he likely just does it when he catches up with his mates. If he sits around with you smoking, then I think that would be an issue, and if it is taking control of his life, then set him free. Otherwise, what do you want to do?

Even though your mother has your back, it seems this is about your rebelling against her and picking out a bad boy to assert your independence. This isn't mom v bf, it's mom v you.

My current boyfriend was a troublemaker when we were in high school. By troublemaker I mean he's been in trouble with the law and was constantly getting suspended.

The single fact that he smokes pot doesn't dictate anything else.

I smoke pot.

I also have multiple college degrees and work in a very nice job. Something like 80%tile pay for my area.

I have also had a full-time job nonstop and completely independent since I was 17.

I work out and am in good shape, very active.

I have been in a devote relationship with my wife for over 13 years. With 2 lovely children.

I work my butt off everyday for my wife and kids.

You can be addicted to ANYTHING. It is a physiological condition so it isn't entirely dependent on the substance.

Sugar is chemically more addictive than THC. Alcohol and nicotine are also a lot more chemically addictive.

But I had a friend in college who got addicted to mtn dew and had his kidneys shut down from drinking too much.

He had to get a kidney transplant at 20. Because mtn dew...

My point is don't judge him for smoking pot. Judge him for how he treats you and how he behaves.

Sure, if he is lazy and unmotivated that isn't cool.

But my wife and I are insanely happy. When we started dating in high school so many of jer friends tried to tell her how terrible of a boyfriend\husband I would be.

Mostly because I smoked pot. Now out of her big group of friends all are divorced except 1 of 5. They married very properly conservative religious men. Funny how most of them cheated on them.

And what kind of a mom shuns her daughter for dating some one she doesn't approve? Nag at or complain about is one thing, but to shun? I would question the character of your mother more.

Everything the alchemist said is spot on. Literally every word. Couldn't have typed it better myself.

Yeah, I was about to say. Personally, I have a pretty hard aversion to smoking anything, so smoking marijuana is far from a habit of my own, but I was a student of biochemistry and I do put a lot of value in responsibly collected and applied statistics. Fact is if smoking weed three times a week (assuming he's not hotboxing in his room for several hours when he does) is the extent of his substance use, he's probably ahead of the curve in terms of health-risk both present and future. And that he could break from such heavy use and responsibly moderate afterward without psychologically relapsing speaks pretty positively. Obviously not smoking at all would be ideal, but I'm finding it hard to pigeon-hole the guy as someone who will waste away his kid's college money to fund a weed habit, especially when many of the folks who cast these stones enjoy a daily dose or two of ethanol after work or at dinner.

But, as pointed out by a previous poster, it's not your mom vs. your boyfriend. Decisions like this invariably impact the relationship between you and your mother. I think it's appalling she'd shun you, but your reality is your reality, as unfortunate as it may be, and you need to make a life decision on how much it's worth it to buck against her. What I would say is that if you are going to buck against her and risk losing the emotional (and perhaps financial) support, that you're doing it to assert your own overall independence and not strictly for the sake of this guy.

That's like saying you don't get addicted to alcohol. Some people can drink normally and some become alcoholics. I was addicted to pot. It's a psychological crutch and can be addicting, although not physically (although I did have withdrawals when I quit). I'm not saying OPs mom is right but to say people can't have a pot addiction is ignorant.

You can get physically addicted to alcohol, and yet only develop a habit/dependency for weed, but regardless. (I don't use it, just saying).

OP, I would really like to hear what "shunning" means in this context. Please advise.

When I said shun, I meant that she would basically want nothing to do with me just because she doesn't approve of who I'm with.

He needs to stop his pot habit in order for you to continue seeing him. You need to have this talk with him. It is true that your Mom is looking out for you. He will stop if you are important to him. chi

The thing is I don't mind his smoking. He is getting better and I see the progress therefore I'm not exactly expecting him to stop all at once. As for my mom, I think she believes that being a pothead is the equivalent of being an alcoholic in the sense that some alcoholics do beat their significant others.

... you don't get addicted to pot. It is a bad habit just like my tendency to go to McDonald's and order the Grand Mac more than I should. Anyway, your mom is looking out for you, but should respect your decision.

 

What does "shun" mean in this context?

When I said shun I meant that she basically would want nothing to do with me just because she doesn't approve of who I'm with.

When I was your age, I dated guys who smoked weed and did cocaine, and it didn't bother me at the time because lacking adult life experience, I wasn't thinking of my future with them, and didn't end up with them anyway. As an adult looking back, one time the guy who did weed T-boned another car when I was in the passenger seat. I remember trying to stop the car with the imaginary pedal I was pushing seconds before he put the real break on. I believe his reaction was delayed due to narcotics use.

 

And the guy who used cocaine? I think it affected his libido.

 

You might not end up with him long term, but let's consider if you did. You'd be sharing expanses. Life is expensive. Do you really want someone who has an expensive habit like purchasing weed, when that money could be spent on food and clothes and utilities and eating out once in a while? If you had children together and you needed him in a pinch to pick up one of the kids unexpectedly from school, etc. What if he was high? How would he do drive safely?

 

From a website: Repeated exposure to marijuana smoke can lead to daily cough and excess phlegm production, more frequent acute chest illnesses, and a greater risk of lung infections. Marijuana also affects the immune system.

 

Who needs someone who doesn't take care of their body? You end up listening to constant coughing and being around someone who is more susceptible of getting sick when it was preventable.

 

When thinking ahead to what you want in a LTR, you should have standards and stick to them. Attend some NarAnon meetings and see what others are going through long term. Everything is shiny and new about him now, but as the newness wears off, you might start looking at him more realistically without rose-colored glasses and the addiction might cause more strife than you anticipated.

 

Your mother cares about you and she's experienced a lot more in life than you. Perhaps it's time to listen to her. I think back on things my parents prevented me from doing and was upset at the time, but now I'm glad they placed boundaries on me for my own good.

I have thought about my future with him and I believe that by the time we do have kids he won't be smoking anymore. If he is then I guess I'll just have to leave him before we even get that far because you are right about those things. For now though we're still both young, having fun, and we do love each other alot therefore I do not plan on ending this. However, if by the time we're 25 and he's still smoking at that rate then I guess it'd be time to leave. Right now though I do believe he won't be smoking at all by then because he has already made so much progress.

When I said shun I meant that she basically would want nothing to do with me just because she doesn't approve of who I'm with.

Without wanting to spark the weed vs alcohol debate. What is the difference between having a little spliff 3 times a week and having a couple of pints 3 times a week?

 

As weed slowly becomes legal in more and more places, the 'illegal' argument is being removed.

Driving on alcohol or any drugs, including US prescription drugs is an issue.

Yes, pot can be somewhat addictive, but more in the social way as opposed to the chemical addiction of heavier drugs.

 

Yes, you mother is just looking out for you, but you are 19 and considered an adult, so you can make up your own mind. If he has reduced his smoking since school, which is a common thing as his social group has splintered, he likely just does it when he catches up with his mates. If he sits around with you smoking, then I think that would be an issue, and if it is taking control of his life, then set him free. Otherwise, what do you want to do?

Most of the time it is when he hangs out with certain friends which he barely even sees anymore. If not it'll be after a long week or if he's been really stressed out lately. I rarely smoke so we've only smoked together about 2-3 times. It's not taking control of his life though, if it was (like in high school) then I know for sure I'd have to leave. At one point while we were together, he smoked so much I threatened breaking up with him and since then, he's definitely calmed down with it. What do I want to do? I want to stay with him. I know I'm young and haven't experienced alot or know much, but for now I definitely want to be with him, and I do see us being together long term. I believe that in a couple of years he should have stopped completely.

Even though your mother has your back, it seems this is about your rebelling against her and picking out a bad boy to assert your independence. This isn't mom v bf, it's mom v you.

I never rebelled. I have/had no reason to. I never went searching for a bad boy, it just happened. Besides, it may sound cliche, but he's not like he used to be in high school. He's definitely matured, the only thing would be that he still smokes. Trust me if he was how he used to be in high school, I would not be with him right now.

The single fact that he smokes pot doesn't dictate anything else.

 

I smoke pot.

 

I also have multiple college degrees and work in a very nice job. Something like 80%tile pay for my area.

 

I have also had a full-time job nonstop and completely independent since I was 17.

 

I work out and am in good shape, very active.

 

I have been in a devote relationship with my wife for over 13 years. With 2 lovely children.

 

I work my butt off everyday for my wife and kids.

 

You can be addicted to ANYTHING. It is a physiological condition so it isn't entirely dependent on the substance.

 

Sugar is chemically more addictive than THC. Alcohol and nicotine are also a lot more chemically addictive.

 

But I had a friend in college who got addicted to mtn dew and had his kidneys shut down from drinking too much.

 

He had to get a kidney transplant at 20. Because mtn dew...

 

My point is don't judge him for smoking pot. Judge him for how he treats you and how he behaves.

 

Sure, if he is lazy and unmotivated that isn't cool.

 

But my wife and I are insanely happy. When we started dating in high school so many of jer friends tried to tell her how terrible of a boyfriend\husband I would be.

 

Mostly because I smoked pot. Now out of her big group of friends all are divorced except 1 of 5. They married very properly conservative religious men. Funny how most of them cheated on them.

 

And what kind of a mom shuns her daughter for dating some one she doesn't approve? Nag at or complain about is one thing, but to shun? I would question the character of your mother more.

I'm not judging him at all, my mom is. I find it funny how you said "judge him for how he treats you and how he behaves." He said the exact same thing to me which is true. He treats me like a queen, he's so loving, caring, and protective with me. However all she sees is the addiction. As for the laziness and being unmotivated, he isn't lazy at all, he works up to 60 hours a week 6 days/wk. My mom dislikes the fact that he's not going to school, but right now he's trying to save up money to get both a car and his emt cert. He wants to be a firefighter and paramedic, but my mom thinks that's not good enough.

Everything the alchemist said is spot on. Literally every word. Couldn't have typed it better myself.

I also agree. I know someone close to me who smokes weed every day and they are in a happy relationship with their girlfriend of 18 years and they have 4 kids together.

Did she say this to you directly, or are you assuming this is how she will react?

Not assuming, she said it to me.

Not assuming, she said it to me.

If you live with your mother she can't shun you and since you are over 18 she can't tell you who to date. However she can voice her opinion and try to persuade you or share her misgivings about a guy who has an arrest record and still smokes dope. She can also not allow him in her house. Hopefully you're in college and working and pulling your weight acting like a responsible young adult. That will impress your mother more than stomping your feet about how your young romeo will change his ways and you'll live happily ever after.

Stop arguing with your mother. Simply say, 'I get your concerns but I need to make my own choices' and leave it at that. The more you try to tell her how amazing he is, the more she knows it's rebellion and puppy love.

I rarely smoke so we've only smoked together about 2-3 times.At one point while we were together, he smoked so much I threatened breaking up with him. I know I'm young and haven't experienced alot or know much.

If you live with your mother she can't shun you and since you are over 18 she can't tell you who to date. However she can voice her opinion and try to persuade you or share her misgivings about a guy who has an arrest record and still smokes dope. She can also not allow him in her house. Hopefully you're in college and working and pulling your weight acting like a responsible young adult. That will impress your mother more than stomping your feet about how your young romeo will change his ways and you'll live happily ever after.

 

Stop arguing with your mother. Simply say, 'I get your concerns but I need to make my own choices' and leave it at that. The more you try to tell her how amazing he is, the more she knows it's rebellion and puppy love.

I am in college full time and have a part time job. I don't argue with her, I simply try to point out where she's wrong when talking, I try not to fight. If i were to make that statement she'd basically shun me. Our living situation is hard to explain, but basically she CAN shun me and take my car away if she wanted. As for the last statement, I don't try telling her how amazing he is or anything I mostly just point out her wrongs and how she exaggerates certain things. Today she got mad at me saying that I never spend time with her because I'm always with him when in reality I see her everyday and barely see him anymore cause of school and work.