To text or not to text. THAT is the question

I met this guy on tinder, we have chatted for a month and dated twice. We are very much attracted to each other and he seems to really like me and has told me repeatedly. However, in my opinion if he really likes me he would have made more effort to date me, not just twice over a whole month. After the first date I was a little unsure about whether I want to continue this... and when I asked him to slow things down and stopped texting for a couple of days, I found myself missing him and texted him again. He told me he was delighted to hear from me again. I told him if he was even bothered that I stopped texting him and he replied there was nothing he could have done except move on.

On chat he told me that he would like some form of commitment, that he would like to be there for me and my son, and has even mentioned the possibility that some day we would be living with each other, although this is very early thinking. On the other hand, I get these player vibes from him, I have no idea if he's dating other women. I am not the type to be needy, clingy or possessive and I hate people who text each other incessantly. However I cant help wondering why he doesnt let me in a little more in his life, if he really wants a chance with me!

after our second date he told me that he sensed something was holding me back. How was I supposed to tell him all the above? It was only our second date! Was I supposed to ask for exclusive dating? I just told him that I am still hesitant to proceed into a relationship phase. Somehow, I think he must have misunderstood me, and he just gave me the cold shoulder. When i asked him why he was so distant with me, he snapped at me saying that I told him to keep his distance, and that he never implied that he wanted a relationship, because we met on tinder and tinder is just to get dates. I told him to do whatever makes him feel comfortable and that we have misunderstood each other. We haven't chatted since, and the weird part of it is that I cant stop thinking about him, and is driving me insane!

So my question is, should I or should I not text him again?? I don't want to chase the guy as I have some sense of self-respect. After all, he was the one who took offence, so I think he should be the one to text again. Though he probably won't as I have seen he is not the type to chase people either.

... oh and by the way? The day after our "fight" he approached my cousin (who happens to be a colleague of his) and sent his regards. Weird??

Help??

FRUSTRATED

Walk away. He's not interested. Delete his contact info. Spend your time on some better dating apps and meet guys who are ready, willing and able to meet asap and date.

Thanks for your reply. I dont know what to think. Why then has he mentioned the future etc? to me these seem to be mixed signals, or maybe hes afraid of commitment

The only thing you need to know about mixed signals is that it means you have to move on. Actions speak louder than words, so concentrate on what counts. You might desire him because people like challenges, even knowing in your gut he's not the right person for you. When a man wants to be a part of your life, he will make that crystal clear. Hold out for one who makes it clear you're special.

You went on TWO DATES. This isn't a commitment question, it's a lack of interest question. He doesn't want to bother going on more dates no less "commit" to anything. No mixed signals.

Why then has he mentioned the future etc? to me these seem to be mixed signals, or maybe hes afraid of commitment

When a man wants to be a part of your life, he will make that crystal clear. Hold out for one who makes it clear you're special.

Shame women can't do the same.

Shame women can't do the same.

Very true and I am a woman!

OP, what is your intention for sending him a text?

Do you want to start seeing him again?

Clear the air, get closure, be friends?

I think it's important to be clear with yourself about why you want to send it.

In any event, my attitude is if you want to send it, then just send it.

If he ignores or responds back apathetically, then at least you know where you stand, and you're not left wondering.

So just send it, say whatever you want and be prepared for him to either ignore or be short.

On the other hand, perhaps your text will re-ignite something!

It's a risk, but what the hell.

You want to, so just do it. I would, and have!

And have never regretted even when it didn't work out quite as I had hoped.

Omg no! Leave him alone. Any guy that talks of a future so early on like he did is playing you. You couldn't even develop feelings after two dates and a very short time of knowing one another. It's lust, you see it as a challenge, and you're wasting your time.

This doesn’t sound to me like lack of interest... it sounds more like mismatched ideas of how a relationship progresses.

He clearly likes to move fast. He wants to text all the time, get swept up in feelings and thoughts about the future, etc. And really, probably to him, you are sending major mixed messages. You are putting on the brakes, telling him to slow down (“slow” is open to interpretation - what does that mean to you? And now you are upset he doesn’t see you more often? Is seeing each other less not slow?)

You prefer a slower pace. Less texting. More seeing each other. No talking about the future at this stage. Getting to know one another. So... to you, at that slower pace, your thought is that exclusivity is the next step (which you are rightly not ready for). You want to know someone and have exclusivity before being swept away. He wants to get swept away first and then worry about compatibility and exclusivity.

It’s just different approaches.

Personally, I think you are better to let this one go. Having conversations about how you envision a relationship should progress - two dates in - i mean... you are incompatible. You will just frustrate each other.

... but it doesn’t sound to me like he’s playing games. I think he’s trying to interpret the mixed messages you are also sending - it’s just that you speak different “languages”

Thats just it... its a case of the brain saying one thing but the heart wants another thing. If i text him its likely he will respond and i will explain my point of view. Im not sure how hed react when i tell him my exclusivity concerns. But whats frustrating is why he doesnt take the initiative himself ... if he likes me enough he will just text me himself... instead of sending vague regards through my cousin

What is this intense investment after 2 dates? Were you intimate? Yes this:

if he likes me enough he will just text me himself...

You may be right about different approaches ... i guess i just want exclusivity because icant handle another heartbreak so soon fter being divorced. I am 30 right now and truth be told i was not prepared to meet someone so soon which is the reason for all my hesitaion and mixed signals. Ive explained all this to him already and he seemed to understand.

There certainly is a sexual charge in the relationship and im sure he wants to take that next intimate step.

Still he shouldnt have freaked out just because i told him to take it slow. All o want os to be included a little more and make the relaionship or whatever this is a little more real.

Hes told me he needs a good woman inbis life and no "messing around" whih sounds good. And then the next thing he freaks out when i mention a relationship.

Ughhhh how i cant understand guys!! I really don't know what to do.

I cant help thinking that if i text him again after a week of silence i would look desperate

After 2 dates spaced far apart it is odd to talk about relationship. get used to dating again and stop trying to patch your divorce with an insta-relationship from some guy you met on tinder and had 2 dates with. Slow down, join a couple of dating apps make sure you've got a nice profile and pics. Start talking to and meet guys for coffee asap. That is an introduction, to see if there is interest, not the start of a relationship. If you don't want hookups, then avoid guys like this in the future and move on.

he freaks out when i mention a relationship.

OP keep in mind HE may have been hurt in prior RLs also and also may be getting "mixed messages" from you too.

I mean unless I misunderstood something, he told you he was looking for a committed RL (eventually) and you were the one who told him you wanted to take it slow and that you were "hesitant to proceed to the relationship phase," your exact words.

Which is totally understandable after only two dates, but NOW you are saying you want exclusivity? This is confusing.

He also said he felt you were being distant, and perhaps that wasn't your intention, but it's important to be cognizant of our own behavior, the messages we're sending and how those messages are being interpreted by the person we're dating.

So it looks to me that you guys have gotten your signals crossed due to miscommunication and maybe even a bit of fear and anxiety of BOTH your parts.

That is why I thought maybe you should text him; at this point you have absolutely nothing to lose and you might, just might, gain something. Like an understanding for what you both want and need and you can proceed forward with HONESTY.

My only other advice is that when you text don't jump right into discussing the "relationship" and what you want and need.

Start with light and comfortable chat just to re-engage. Gradually you can open the door to that discussion assuming you're getting on well and connecting.

Shame women can't do the same.

Not all women. (see what I did there? )

Any guy that talks of a future so early on like he did is playing you.

YES! Most people who "fall fast" tend to leave fast too. He just likes the thrill.

I told him if he was even bothered that I stopped texting him and he replied there was nothing he could have done except move on.

[...]

When i asked him why he was so distant with me, he snapped at me saying that I told him to keep his distance, and that he never implied that he wanted a relationship, because we met on tinder and tinder is just to get dates.

 

[...]

 

... oh and by the way? The day after our "fight" he approached my cousin (who happens to be a colleague of his) and sent his regards. Weird??

He is telling you one thing one day and another the other. Your gut instinct that he's a player is correct. The bold part is when he actually told you he is one, or to say the least, he isn't looking for anything serious. I know it's hard to wrap your head around it and easy to disregard with everything else he said, but this is the truth. It's not weird he sent his regards through your cousin, he still wants to keep his options open, meaning, he would love to get in your pants. If you're up for it, cool, but you don't seem like you are.

if he likes me enough he will just text me himself... instead of sending vague regards through my cousin

Yes he would.

I am 30 right now and truth be told i was not prepared to meet someone so soon which is the reason for all my hesitaion and mixed signals. Ive explained all this to him already and he seemed to understand.

 

There certainly is a sexual charge in the relationship and im sure he wants to take that next intimate step.

 

Still he shouldnt have freaked out just because i told him to take it slow. All o want os to be included a little more and make the relaionship or whatever this is a little more real.

 

Hes told me he needs a good woman inbis life and no "messing around" whih sounds good. And then the next thing he freaks out when i mention a relationship.

 

 

Ughhhh how i cant understand guys!! I really don't know what to do.

 

I cant help thinking that if i text him again after a week of silence i would look desperate

Mixed signals usually means he's not interested in the same way you are; you are just hanging on to him because you lust for him and trying to disregard all the red flags so you can have yourself a relationship you so much need right now. He's not going to give that to you. edit: I thought you meant that he was giving the mixed signals, but I think you meant that you are. In that case, it doesn't matter if you're giving mixed signals, he told you straight forward that he's on tinder for casual dating. If you're not ready for anything though, stay away from tinder and any dating app in order to heal and get ready.

Of course there is a sexual charge between you, if there wasn't you would've dumped him a long time ago.

You do know what to do, your lust for him is just not letting you do so.It takes time. Forget about him.

in my opinion if he really likes me he would have made more effort to date me, not just twice over a whole month.

That is correct and all you need to know. Everything else is just noise.

 

That is correct and all you need to know. Everything else is just noise.

Have you ever considered changing your signature line to read this?^

Thanks for all your helpfulncomments you people! Really put things into perspective for me which helps me move on ;)

Have you ever considered changing your signature line to read this?^

Yes, yes I have ..... :)