I'm Thinking of Not Seeing my Family Anymore

I feel like my relationship with my family has become toxic. I was emotionally abused by my stepfather for most of my life until he and my mother separated a couple of years ago. I feel like my mum didn't protect me, and she still doesn't really acknowledge that it happened and makes out that my stepfather and I just didn't get along with each other, when in fact he bullied the hell out of me. My sister invited me to her graduation, but I don't want to go because my stepfather will be there. My mum said that it's best I don't go, not because it will be hard for me to face my abuser, but because I might ruin my sister's special day if I fight with him.

I'm starting to think that my mum is emotionally abusive too. We've always been close and I love her so much but I feel like she's constantly hurting me. When I talk to her I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and if I say the wrong thing she totally bites my head off. Sometimes on the phone or when I see her she will be passive aggressive by being really off with me and having a cold tone and giving me one word answers without telling me why or what I've done wrong.

If I don't call pretty much every day she will make a sarcastic comment when I do speak to her like "nice of you to finally call me, where have you been all week?" and I find myself having to apologize and come up with excuses as to why I haven't called, even though I am 30 years old and shouldn't have to call every day.

When I do call her, she often acts irritated that I've called and says things like "what do you want? Some of us have got work to do, are you calling for any particular reason?" So if I've called just to chat I feel like I have to come up with a better reason as to why I've called, yet if I don't call she also gets angry. She also gets very mad if I don't answer my phone and when I call back I need to have a good explanation as to why I missed her call.

She expects me to come to her house for dinner every Sunday, and if I don't want to go I have to agonize over coming up with a good excuse other wise she will get mad at me. She makes comments like 'you hardly ever come over' even though I go there nearly every Sunday and we hardly ever go to my partner's parents' house. When I am at my mum's house for dinner on Sundays it's a horrible experience. My mum ignores my partner and I and spends the whole time talking to my siblings (who can do no wrong) and their partners. No one speaks to me and if I look upset I get in trouble. My mum will call me the next day and say "why were you so moody at dinner last night?" She also says this when I'm upset on the phone "why do you sound so moody? What's wrong with you?" If I try to explain what's wrong she gets defensive, snaps at me and hangs up and then will not call me for a few days, and I will be in the wrong for not calling her.

My partner is pregnant (due in April) and my mum hasn't really shown any excitement at all. I said I had a scan picture for her and she said she didn't want it. Anytime anyone talks about the baby she looks irritated. She's even planning a trip to go see my brother in the states around the time the baby is due even though he will be coming back for the summer like a month later.

My partner's mum and sister and my mum and sister are planning the baby shower and my mum has behaved immature about the whole thing. My partner's mum booked a hall because no one else had taken the initiative to do it so my mum complained that my partner's side of the family is "doing everything" even though they only booked the hall and paid for the food. We asked my mum to do the desserts and my sister to organize some games and prizes, yet my mum still says that they are being "left out".

We asked my mum and sister to come with my partner and I and her mum to get decorations so that they couldn't complain of being left out. My mum didn't say a word to anyone except my sister the whole time we were in the store or in the ride there and back. When we were in the car and the store my mum kept whispering to my sister, which was embarrassing for me in front of my partner and her mum. I tried to talk to my mum but she gave me one word answers and only wanted to chat to my sister. My partner's mum also tried to chat to my mum, who also gave her one word answers. My mum didn't even look at the stuff in the store, and kept walking down aisles alone and looking at things that had nothing to do with the baby shower.

When I asked her later what was wrong she said she "didn't see why everyone had to go". I said that I didn't want anyone to feel left out. She said "just because we were there doesn't mean we didn't feel left out". Which I couldn't believe as I had gone out of my way to talk to them and ask there opinions. My mum said no one spoke to her, when in reality it was her that wouldn't speak to anyone except my sister. My mum had said she didn't want me to ruin my sister's special day on her graduation, but what about my special day? My mum said that she would go to the baby shower but "they can just get on with it" referring to my partner's family, as she feels they are taking over. I feel that my mum is going to show up to my baby shower and look miserable and not talk to anyone, or sit alone whispering with my sister and I'm going to feel like crap.

My mum treats me completely differently to my siblings. My mum acts like my youngest brother (who is 18) is her best friend and goes everywhere with him and never invites anyone else. She is bringing him to see my other brother in April and didn't invite me or my sister. My mum goes to England every year (where I am from, we now live in Canada). Every year she brings my youngest brother with her, even though I would love to go with them and visit my family, she will never let me come.

My mum talks so nicely to my siblings and never speaks to them the way that she speaks to me. When I go there for Sunday dinner she asks them questions about their lives (even though they live with her) and seems so interested in what they have to say, and it's like I'm not even in the room. She brags about her other children to me as if I'm not one of her children too. It feels like I'm an acquaintance she knows and she is telling them about how great her children are. The ironic thing is my siblings don't treat my mum well. My brother in England hardly ever calls or visits, my sister talks rudely to my mum all the time, and my brothers use her like a slave. I've always been so nice to her, been there for her when she needed me, bought her presents, taken her to see shows etc. yet I'm the black sheep of the family.

My siblings are also horrible to me. My youngest brother has antisocial personality disorder and he hates me. There was an incident in November when I was giving him a ride to his judo class and was about ten minutes late. He started screaming at me, threw my keys at my head so hard that they skimmed past me and smashed a light bulb, squared up to me like he was going to hit me, and punched a hole through the cupboard. My brother is huge, and I'm a small person and I was shocked. I made the comment "wow, you're a big man trying to beat up a woman". According to my mum, because I said that the whole thing was my fault because I "provoked" him by saying that. That night I became suicidal and ended up nearly jumping off a mountain, and my mum blamed me for doing that and called me selfish.

Ever since that incident my brother hates me and goes out of his way to upset me. When I meet my mum for coffee he comes with and sits there, just to make me uncomfortable. When I go for Sunday dinner, he makes a point of acting like my sister is his best friend and talks to everyone except me to make me feel left out. He says he hates babies and that my baby is going to be "gay". He gets angry when anyone talks about the baby and my mum sees him getting mad and says "lets change the subject". I gave my mum a scan of the baby and within an hour it went missing from her fridge when my brother was home.

Recently when they came back from England, I was picking them up from the bus station and he told my mum and my sister that he kept calling and messaging me when they arrived and that I was ignoring him. This was an absolute lie to cause trouble - I didn't even get one call or message. My sister told me what he said and I said "that's BS, he hasn't called or text me at all". Within seconds she text him telling him that I "called him a bullter" to try to cause more trouble. I then got a bunch of angry texts from him. When we got to the bus station to pick them up I didn't get out of the car because I was scared my brother would physically attack me like he did last time. My mum got angry that I didn't get out of the car to greet her, and spent the rest of the week complaining that I didn't give her a warm welcome because I didn't even bother to get out of the car to say hello.

My sister is dramatic, causing trouble like the example above. She caused so much drama because my partner's dad painted our baby room instead of her and said she won't help with the baby shower because of it. My brother in the states sends me his school work for his masters degree to edit and gets mad when I don't do it - then my mum calls me on his behalf and yells at me to do it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've attempted suicide several times and have been in therapy for about 4 years. I'm finally off of most of my medication but I'm struggling to cope. My sadness about my family is stressing my partner out and she's 32 weeks pregnant so it's not fair. This should be a time when I'm happy and excited to have a baby but all I feel is sadness and anxiety. Every morning I wake up and as soon as I remember what my family have said and done I feel like I'm going to be sick and start crying and/or have an anxiety attack.

I want so badly to move away but my partner doesn't want to move away from her family. I feel like things will never be better and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable and depressed because my family ruin my life. I do love them and I don't want to cut them out, I just want them to change but I don't think they will.

Please help me, I'm losing hope.

Read about narcissistic personality disorder. The golden child. The scapegoat and the triangulation that a narcissistic parent causes. Bless you.

There are hundreds of videos on these topics on YouTube.

And remember this: It's not you. It's them.

I am so sorry. They sound awful.

I think for your own sanity, it would be best to cut them out. Divorce your family. Sit dowe with your mother and tell her that you need to take a long break as it is too painful to stay in contact. . Then leave. She will not hear your words, but make you into the bad guy.

You have your partners family and a child on the way. You deserve better.

I agree with Hollyj, why are you continuing to go back time after time to get hurt? You're starting your own family. Concentrate on that. It does sound like your mother is abusive, no wonder why you're in therapy. The only thing I can think of is you have an emotional dependency on your mother which keeps you from cutting them off. Stop going for Sunday dinner and stop making excuses to your mother about why you didn't do this or that. Tell her straight out, all I do is get picked on and I can't take it anymore. Don't back down. Just keep saying that you've had enough of her abusive and that's it.

You're 30 years old and it's time to grow up! Cut the people who are abusive to you out of your life. Take charge of the situation. You're not a child anymore.

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately this toxicity will infest not only your life but your partner's and child if you let it go on and don't set boundaries.You're right, they won't change, so you must in order to facilitate any change. There's no need to stay this over-involved at the expense of your metal health and the health of your relationship/family. Treat them as acquaintances. Polite but not obligated to indulge their madness.

I just want them to change but I don't think they will.