Getting Back With My Ex

My ex and I separated 3 and a half years ago, the divorce was final a year and a half ago. We both quickly remarried in a matter of weeks. I married for the wrong reasons, I needed help to get by and she did much of the same thing. I recently separated from my wife because the financial gain was not worth the emotional drain of not being happy. I had been talking with my ex for a few months and told her of my plans to separate and divorce. I have always missed my ex. I tried hating her, counseling, etc, to get over her but I have not been able to. I expressed my feelings for her a little over a month go and to my surprise she was also still in love with me. We started talking and dating behind her current husbands back. She said she is going to leave him because she is also not happy. She started to lay the groundwork and then boom, she got a facebook message from someone who was having an affair with him. Ok, so she was looking for a reason and she has it. She goes back and forth on whether to divorce him or work it out. They went to a marriage counseling session and agreed to separate. In all of this, he is claiming that he did not cheat, but the graphic evidence points to he did.

Now, she says that both him and I are overcrowding her. She has been staying with me with our daughters to process what is going on and still be able to be there for them. I am trying to not pressure her with how I feel about her and all and want to give her space. When I told her I was giving her space she said that there was no need to and got a little upset because she felt like I was ignoring her. We have been intimate a few times.

I do not know what to do. I feel like I am more in love with her now than I ever was at any point in our marriage. I guess distance does make the heart grow fonder. I am at a loss for how to procede though. Again, I tried to give her space and she felt like I was ignoring her and she said that space was not necessary. I would love nothing more in this life to have my ex wife back and our girls together, our family together again. I do not know what my next steps should be. I feel like I am pushing her away and I do not want to do that. I feel like this is my shot to get her back and do not want to waste the opportunity. I know she loves her husband and has to work through what is going on in her head about this. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Remember that you did divorce for a reason. A good place to start is to make sure that the reasons you separated the first time have been fixed by both of you. You both independently need to make sure that you're attempting reconciliation because you truly love each other and want to be together, not because your new marriages are both unfulfilling and you're lonely. Do you think it's wise to attempt to reconcile while she still has feelings for another man? She may be in a position to use you as a rebound. Is she living with you because she wants to, or because she has nowhere else to go?

It's going to be very hard to find the answers to these questions while you're both under the same roof. I know you have children, and you have to consider their best interests as well, but remember that any tension between you and your ex will likely impact them negatively.

I am NOT an expert. FAR FAR from it. I'm just some idiot at home with a keyboard. (emphasis on idiot.) In your situation I'd likely ask her to find somewhere else to stay, and not contact me for anything not pertaining to my daughters until she has sorted through her issues. I'd use that time to reflect on everything that's happened from the time your marriage began to fall apart. I'd try to remember my mindset when I was divorcing. Recall why I was unhappy, whether I've been happier since she's left, and if any of the factors that existed then still do. I'd make sure I've learned and grown since then. If she does decide that she wants to be with me, I'd make sure I'm satisfied she's done the work on her side.

You likely have a longer road ahead of you than you think, but strong relationships are build on strong foundations. I wish you, her, her husband, and your daughters health and happiness. I hope that whatever happens is for the best and all parties are satisfied with the outcome. Keep us posted!

Remember that you did divorce for a reason. A good place to start is to make sure that the reasons you separated the first time have been fixed by both of you. You both independently need to make sure that you're attempting reconciliation because you truly love each other and want to be together, not because your new marriages are both unfulfilling and you're lonely. Do you think it's wise to attempt to reconcile while she still has feelings for another man? She may be in a position to use you as a rebound. Is she living with you because she wants to, or because she has nowhere else to go?

 

It's going to be very hard to find the answers to these questions while you're both under the same roof. I know you have children, and you have to consider their best interests as well, but remember that any tension between you and your ex will likely impact them negatively.

 

I am NOT an expert. FAR FAR from it. I'm just some idiot at home with a keyboard. (emphasis on idiot.) In your situation I'd likely ask her to find somewhere else to stay, and not contact me for anything not pertaining to my daughters until she has sorted through her issues. I'd use that time to reflect on everything that's happened from the time your marriage began to fall apart. I'd try to remember my mindset when I was divorcing. Recall why I was unhappy, whether I've been happier since she's left, and if any of the factors that existed then still do. I'd make sure I've learned and grown since then. If she does decide that she wants to be with me, I'd make sure I'm satisfied she's done the work on her side.

 

You likely have a longer road ahead of you than you think, but strong relationships are build on strong foundations. I wish you, her, her husband, and your daughters health and happiness. I hope that whatever happens is for the best and all parties are satisfied with the outcome. Keep us posted!

She wanted to separate so she could find herself and date other people. If we would have communicated better during the separation, we would have saved our marriage. She was waiting on me to leave my girlfriend and I was waiting for her to leave her boyfriend, but neither one of us knew.

She is staying at my house to be away from her husband. She is waiting for him to move out before she goes back home. It feels so good to have her and our 3 daughters back in the house. I missed it so much.

Ah In your original post I confused the two marriages mentally. A lot of my points still stand though, it's fairly generic advice.

Remember there are a lot of feelings, such as loneliness, nostalgia, desperation, resistance to change etc. that can mimic love in your mind. Make sure you're thinking with your head instead of your heart.

Again, I hope everything works out for the best.

I'm sorry, but this is a mess in the making. You should not have let her move in. How long will she be there?

I understand you want to be with her, but shevmay be using you right now. She also has a history of infidelity(so do you).

Do you think trust will be regained? I'd really think hard about if this is what you really want. She's on the fence and you may really get hurt.

I'm sorry, but this is a mess in the making. You should not have let her move in. How long will she be there?

I understand you want to be with her, but shevmay be using you right now. She also has a history of infidelity(so do you).

Do you think trust will be regained? I'd really think hard about if this is what you really want. She's on the fence and you may really get hurt.

I know I have opened myself up to get crushed. The reality is that she is the woman of my dreams, the one person I feel that connection with. I've dated since her and all, but everything always comes back to her. It's been 3 and a half years and I still can't shake the love I have for her.

Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she will be okay, always.

I understand the love you describe, but cheating isn't love. So can you both stop doing that?

It's ideal to keep your family together, but right now isn't the time to try a reunion.

When she moves out try not seeing her and wait to see what she does. She's too confused right now.

I had an aunt who divorced my uncle, and they remarried three years later. Stayed married until his death,

so it's possible, you can have hope for this, but proceed cautiously.

Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she will be okay, always.

I understand the love you describe, but cheating isn't love. So can you both stop doing that?

It's ideal to keep your family together, but right now isn't the time to try a reunion.

When she moves out try not seeing her and wait to see what she does. She's too confused right now.

I had an aunt who divorced my uncle, and they remarried three years later. Stayed married until his death,

so it's possible, you can have hope for this, but proceed cautiously.

Yes, we both cheated on eachother in our previous marriage. Mine was emotionally seeking out other woman and hers was physical. I learned a lot, and learned even more over the time we have been apart.

We both agreed that we would never cheat on eachother again. I believe her when she tells me and I know I would not. I know what I lost and would never do anything to jeopardize it again.

I appreciate the advice, I really do. I know of this works out with her that I am in for a long ride to get to that point. I feel like I would wait the rest of my life for this woman.

Okay, just realize she's cheating on her husband now, and you say she loves him.

Can she love you both? I really empathize with you here because I truly believe you want this, but it really is bad timing.

Don't give up hope, but don't put your life on hold either, waiting for her to decide. She has to be sure. You can't be the onlyy one who is 100% in. And who knows if her husband is trying to convince her to work it out. It's a messy situation.

Okay, just realize she's cheating on her husband now, and you say she loves him.

Can she love you both? I really empathize with you here because I truly believe you want this, but it really is bad timing.

Don't give up hope, but don't put your life on hold either, waiting for her to decide. She has to be sure. You can't be the onlyy one who is 100% in. And who knows if her husband is trying to convince her to work it out. It's a messy situation.

I know the timing isn't great, I really am at a loss for what to do.

I'm sorry, but she cheated on you during your marriage and then she cheated on her current husband with you.

It seems her go-to when unhappy or dissatisfied with her marriage is to cheat. And that doesn't bode well for the future.

I have to say it must be very confusing for your children to live with you and Mom, then with Mom and Stepdad, back with you and Mom and then somewhere else? Ideally children do well with stability.

I'm sorry, but she cheated on you during your marriage and then she cheated on her current husband with you.

 

It seems her go-to when unhappy or dissatisfied with her marriage is to cheat. And that doesn't bode well for the future.

 

I have to say it must be very confusing for your children to live with you and Mom, then with Mom and Stepdad, back with you and Mom and then somewhere else? Ideally children do well with stability.

My mind is just all over the place.

He is trying to get her to work it out and keeps doing things to confuse her. One day he is upset, the next day super loving. The ty thing is that he hasn't really checked on her to see how she is doing with everything going on.

 

I know the timing isn't great, I really am at a loss for what to do.

I'm sure he is, because he must know she moved in with you, and no man wants to lose his wife to her ex husband.

He will get in her head as much as she allows him to. And it seems she allows it.

I'm sure he is, because he must know she moved in with you, and no man wants to lose his wife to her ex husband.

He will get in her head as much as she allows him to. And it seems she allows it.

My cousin's very recent ex-girlfriend was married. Then she had an affair, left her husband and married the affair guy. Then she cheated on affair guy/husband with my cousin. Then she cheated on my cousin with yet another guy, who she is now dating. She told each of those men she loved them too.

We all saw a pattern but were afraid to say anything out of fear of hurting his feelings.

I just really hope your ex wife knows for sure what she wants before she decides to move forward with you. It would be a shame if you went all in and then found out she was seeing her current husband behind your back...or a different man.

Please use extreme caution.

I understand what you are saying. I do believe if/once we are back together that it would not happen. Too much history here, too much at stake to lose the second time around. I cheated on her too while we were married.

I know I'm being a real downer, but my cousin was 110% sure this woman wouldn't "do that to him". But, she did.

However...I actually am a believer in and a fan of love, so I hope things work out for you. Please just move slowly and cautiously.

I agree, and she sees it and recognizes it. She just told her friend about something he did for her this morning and how bad it messed her up today.

I know you want this to work, but honestly you need to just step out of the equation once she moves out.

Let her figure life out without you there. She knows how you feel, and she's torn between two lovers. She

doesn't know what she wants. This will hurt you. And your children. Think of the confusion this causes them .

Tell her if she gets divorced(or at least files for it) that you'd like to be with her, but can't while she's still married.

You have to stop seeing her because it does not lead her to make a decision. She just sees it as she can have you both.

And honestly she thinks he cheated, yet she's doing the same! So why did she leave? Her conscience may be bothering

her now.

I know I'm being a real downer, but my cousin was 110% sure this woman wouldn't "do that to him". But, she did.

 

However...I actually am a believer in and a fan of love, so I hope things work out for you. Please just move slowly and cautiously.

I am gonna try to step back, but then she takes it as I do not want to be with her. There is a lot going on right now, a lot of moving parts and we are making the kids the priority through it all. All they see is mom and dad effectively communicating in a friendly way.

I do think her conscience may be bothering her which is another reason why I am trying to just give her space.

You reached out to her in a moment of unhappiness and loneliness, and she claimed to be unhappy, and you ended up

sneaking around. I don't believe that made you happy. And I dont believe her being married and not knowing what she's doing is making you happy either. She may be there right now, but emotionally she isn't. So it's like her not being there at all. And she doesn't get the right to be selfish and tell you that it makes her feel you don't want to be with her, because she knows you do. Maybe she's a dependent, needy person who needs constant reassurance. Maybe she's not thinking she can trust you. Who knows. But........you can't even do counseling together because....she's married!!!!

So you must step away from this if you truly want a chance again. You firmly let her know what you want, but that you will not wait forever, and will not sneak around behind her husband's back. Tell her you love her, want her, and that you are going to step back, not because you want to, but because you want her to have the space to decide what she wants. And that you being there isn't going to help her with that decision. You have to do this, or you will end up being her side piece while she keeps her marraige intact. And that's cheating yourself. And there really is too much confusion for the kids. Be there for them, but don't be her sounding board.If you want her to respect you, then please listen.

You reached out to her in a moment of unhappiness and loneliness, and she claimed to be unhappy, and you ended up

sneaking around. I don't believe that made you happy. And I dont believe her being married and not knowing what she's doing is making you happy either. She may be there right now, but emotionally she isn't. So it's like her not being there at all. And she doesn't get the right to be selfish and tell you that it makes her feel you don't want to be with her, because she knows you do. Maybe she's a dependent, needy person who needs constant reassurance. Maybe she's not thinking she can trust you. Who knows. But........you can't even do counseling together because....she's married!!!!

So you must step away from this if you truly want a chance again. You firmly let her know what you want, but that you will not wait forever, and will not sneak around behind her husband's back. Tell her you love her, want her, and that you are going to step back, not because you want to, but because you want her to have the space to decide what she wants. And that you being there isn't going to help her with that decision. You have to do this, or you will end up being her side piece while she keeps her marraige intact. And that's cheating yourself. And there really is too much confusion for the kids. Be there for them, but don't be her sounding board.If you want her to respect you, then please listen.

I totally understand what you are saying. I really appreciate the insight. Thank you so much. She is going to be here at least through the weekend though. It gets hard, like tonight, I am trying to give her space. She sat next to me on the couch and asked for a kiss so I kissed her. She said she wants to show me attention and what not. Idk, I'm 36 and just feeling so crazy.

Oh good, you and I are not too far apart in age, which is even more reason why you need to listen to me, lol :)

I know how it goes. I've been in your situation, just not married at the time. Two guys, felt for both, had to decide. You know who prevailed? The one who wasnt needy, the one who wasn't pushy, the one who wad clear in his words and followed through in his actions to show he was serious. Let that be you. Don't let her play on your love for her and pull your heart strings. If and when she leaves her husband, she can tug all she wants. But until then, be strong towards her. No sex unless she is no longer married. If she gets mad, so be it. That only proves she's not serious about commitment and monogamy.

Lol. Nice! I completely understand what you are saying. I am able to turn off emotions and not be needy with anyone except her. My emotions just flow when I talk to her, when I'm with her, etc. She says she loves that about me, she never had to guess where she stands. I know I need to turn it off and not come across as needy, I just don't know how to

I think it's great you feel that way about her, you need her to be feeling that too. You can't be her fall back guy, so like I said, you state your intentions, you make it clear, and you don't go back on your word. That means when you tell her you're stepping back, you stick to it. You don't go running to her and having sex and being all lovey while she's with another man. That shows no respect for yourself, for her, or her relationship(even though she's not respecting it either)

Just be strong, think of the kids and not adding to the upheaval they are already experiencing. You don't want them to see you in and out, upset, or anything. Don't make false promises to them, just make certain they know you love them, and keep them separate for now aside from what you have with her, because she technically is not anything more than your ex wife and the mother of your children(and I'll say I think it's nice you love and want her, I'm a single mom and my ex can go far far far awayyyyyyyyyy and he feels the same about me, lol. If reunion is possible, I do hope you get what you want.