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Thread: Getting Back With My Ex

  1. #1
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    Getting Back With My Ex

    My ex and I separated 3 and a half years ago, the divorce was final a year and a half ago. We both quickly remarried in a matter of weeks. I married for the wrong reasons, I needed help to get by and she did much of the same thing. I recently separated from my wife because the financial gain was not worth the emotional drain of not being happy. I had been talking with my ex for a few months and told her of my plans to separate and divorce. I have always missed my ex. I tried hating her, counseling, etc, to get over her but I have not been able to. I expressed my feelings for her a little over a month go and to my surprise she was also still in love with me. We started talking and dating behind her current husbands back. She said she is going to leave him because she is also not happy. She started to lay the groundwork and then boom, she got a facebook message from someone who was having an affair with him. Ok, so she was looking for a reason and she has it. She goes back and forth on whether to divorce him or work it out. They went to a marriage counseling session and agreed to separate. In all of this, he is claiming that he did not cheat, but the graphic evidence points to he did.

    Now, she says that both him and I are overcrowding her. She has been staying with me with our daughters to process what is going on and still be able to be there for them. I am trying to not pressure her with how I feel about her and all and want to give her space. When I told her I was giving her space she said that there was no need to and got a little upset because she felt like I was ignoring her. We have been intimate a few times.

    I do not know what to do. I feel like I am more in love with her now than I ever was at any point in our marriage. I guess distance does make the heart grow fonder. I am at a loss for how to procede though. Again, I tried to give her space and she felt like I was ignoring her and she said that space was not necessary. I would love nothing more in this life to have my ex wife back and our girls together, our family together again. I do not know what my next steps should be. I feel like I am pushing her away and I do not want to do that. I feel like this is my shot to get her back and do not want to waste the opportunity. I know she loves her husband and has to work through what is going on in her head about this. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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    Remember that you did divorce for a reason. A good place to start is to make sure that the reasons you separated the first time have been fixed by both of you. You both independently need to make sure that you're attempting reconciliation because you truly love each other and want to be together, not because your new marriages are both unfulfilling and you're lonely. Do you think it's wise to attempt to reconcile while she still has feelings for another man? She may be in a position to use you as a rebound. Is she living with you because she wants to, or because she has nowhere else to go?

    It's going to be very hard to find the answers to these questions while you're both under the same roof. I know you have children, and you have to consider their best interests as well, but remember that any tension between you and your ex will likely impact them negatively.

    I am NOT an expert. FAR FAR from it. I'm just some idiot at home with a keyboard. (emphasis on idiot.) In your situation I'd likely ask her to find somewhere else to stay, and not contact me for anything not pertaining to my daughters until she has sorted through her issues. I'd use that time to reflect on everything that's happened from the time your marriage began to fall apart. I'd try to remember my mindset when I was divorcing. Recall why I was unhappy, whether I've been happier since she's left, and if any of the factors that existed then still do. I'd make sure I've learned and grown since then. If she does decide that she wants to be with me, I'd make sure I'm satisfied she's done the work on her side.

    You likely have a longer road ahead of you than you think, but strong relationships are build on strong foundations. I wish you, her, her husband, and your daughters health and happiness. I hope that whatever happens is for the best and all parties are satisfied with the outcome. Keep us posted!

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by stacksmchenry
    Remember that you did divorce for a reason. A good place to start is to make sure that the reasons you separated the first time have been fixed by both of you. You both independently need to make sure that you're attempting reconciliation because you truly love each other and want to be together, not because your new marriages are both unfulfilling and you're lonely. Do you think it's wise to attempt to reconcile while she still has feelings for another man? She may be in a position to use you as a rebound. Is she living with you because she wants to, or because she has nowhere else to go?

    It's going to be very hard to find the answers to these questions while you're both under the same roof. I know you have children, and you have to consider their best interests as well, but remember that any tension between you and your ex will likely impact them negatively.

    I am NOT an expert. FAR FAR from it. I'm just some idiot at home with a keyboard. (emphasis on idiot.) In your situation I'd likely ask her to find somewhere else to stay, and not contact me for anything not pertaining to my daughters until she has sorted through her issues. I'd use that time to reflect on everything that's happened from the time your marriage began to fall apart. I'd try to remember my mindset when I was divorcing. Recall why I was unhappy, whether I've been happier since she's left, and if any of the factors that existed then still do. I'd make sure I've learned and grown since then. If she does decide that she wants to be with me, I'd make sure I'm satisfied she's done the work on her side.

    You likely have a longer road ahead of you than you think, but strong relationships are build on strong foundations. I wish you, her, her husband, and your daughters health and happiness. I hope that whatever happens is for the best and all parties are satisfied with the outcome. Keep us posted!
    I never wanted the divorce. She was 18 and I was 20 when we got married. We separated after 12 years of marriage. We did our fair share of things to eachother during our marriage. We were young, immature, and had 3 children. Life was tough and we looked outside our marriage for support instead of relying on each other.

    She wanted to separate so she could find herself and date other people. If we would have communicated better during the separation, we would have saved our marriage. She was waiting on me to leave my girlfriend and I was waiting for her to leave her boyfriend, but neither one of us knew.

    She is staying at my house to be away from her husband. She is waiting for him to move out before she goes back home. It feels so good to have her and our 3 daughters back in the house. I missed it so much.

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    Ah In your original post I confused the two marriages mentally. A lot of my points still stand though, it's fairly generic advice.

    Remember there are a lot of feelings, such as loneliness, nostalgia, desperation, resistance to change etc. that can mimic love in your mind. Make sure you're thinking with your head instead of your heart.

    Again, I hope everything works out for the best.

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    I'm sorry, but this is a mess in the making. You should not have let her move in. How long will she be there?
    I understand you want to be with her, but shevmay be using you right now. She also has a history of infidelity(so do you).
    Do you think trust will be regained? I'd really think hard about if this is what you really want. She's on the fence and you may really get hurt.

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    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    I'm sorry, but this is a mess in the making. You should not have let her move in. How long will she be there?
    I understand you want to be with her, but shevmay be using you right now. She also has a history of infidelity(so do you).
    Do you think trust will be regained? I'd really think hard about if this is what you really want. She's on the fence and you may really get hurt.
    Her living here is temporary until her husband moves out which should be in the next week or so. My issue is that I do not want to push her away. She has a lot on her mind with her husband, our oldest daughter is currently getting treatment for suicidal ideation, and her feelings for me. She feels pulled in all directions, and it is really impacting her pretty hard right now. I tried to back off and give her space but she said it's not necessary and felt like I was ignoring her. I'm trying to find the balance of I am here for you and not be overbearing.

    I know I have opened myself up to get crushed. The reality is that she is the woman of my dreams, the one person I feel that connection with. I've dated since her and all, but everything always comes back to her. It's been 3 and a half years and I still can't shake the love I have for her.

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    Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she will be okay, always.
    I understand the love you describe, but cheating isn't love. So can you both stop doing that?
    It's ideal to keep your family together, but right now isn't the time to try a reunion.
    When she moves out try not seeing her and wait to see what she does. She's too confused right now.
    I had an aunt who divorced my uncle, and they remarried three years later. Stayed married until his death,
    so it's possible, you can have hope for this, but proceed cautiously.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she will be okay, always.
    I understand the love you describe, but cheating isn't love. So can you both stop doing that?
    It's ideal to keep your family together, but right now isn't the time to try a reunion.
    When she moves out try not seeing her and wait to see what she does. She's too confused right now.
    I had an aunt who divorced my uncle, and they remarried three years later. Stayed married until his death,
    so it's possible, you can have hope for this, but proceed cautiously.
    I completely understand what you are saying. It's hard to watch her hurt and see my daughter's hurt.

    Yes, we both cheated on eachother in our previous marriage. Mine was emotionally seeking out other woman and hers was physical. I learned a lot, and learned even more over the time we have been apart.

    We both agreed that we would never cheat on eachother again. I believe her when she tells me and I know I would not. I know what I lost and would never do anything to jeopardize it again.

    I appreciate the advice, I really do. I know of this works out with her that I am in for a long ride to get to that point. I feel like I would wait the rest of my life for this woman.

  10. #9
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    Okay, just realize she's cheating on her husband now, and you say she loves him.
    Can she love you both? I really empathize with you here because I truly believe you want this, but it really is bad timing.
    Don't give up hope, but don't put your life on hold either, waiting for her to decide. She has to be sure. You can't be the onlyy one who is 100% in. And who knows if her husband is trying to convince her to work it out. It's a messy situation.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by SweetGirl28
    Okay, just realize she's cheating on her husband now, and you say she loves him.
    Can she love you both? I really empathize with you here because I truly believe you want this, but it really is bad timing.
    Don't give up hope, but don't put your life on hold either, waiting for her to decide. She has to be sure. You can't be the onlyy one who is 100% in. And who knows if her husband is trying to convince her to work it out. It's a messy situation.
    He is trying to get her to work it out and keeps doing things to confuse her. One day he is upset, the next day super loving. The ty thing is that he hasn't really checked on her to see how she is doing with everything going on.

    I know the timing isn't great, I really am at a loss for what to do.

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