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Thread: Over 10 years, he was dating someone else for 5 of them...

  1. #1

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    Over 10 years, he was dating someone else for 5 of them...

    So we started dating back in Ď06, I was in my late teens and he was in my city for college. Our relationship was great for a long time, but by Ď10 we were constantly fighting. It got really bad.

    Around 5 years in we moved in together, things improved for a while, but then it got worse at an exponential rate.

    Then I did a midnight move, and stayed with a friend for a while. He looked me up a month or so after to ask why, he was so heart broken. We started talking again, smoothed things over and started sleeping together about once a month.

    This went on for a little over a year. In that year I started to feel like he really did love me after all. My life was a mess and he was there for me in every way he could be. Finally I offered to take him back, he accepted.

    Something was off though, we almost broke up again in Ď13 because of how off it was. He had even refused to add me as a lover in a fetish community website we have been part of for years. He convinced me after I did the midngiht move while he was doing a night shift intern, that he had to keep me secret from his family and friends until he went back to school and finished again so they would not refuse him support. The first career choice didnít pan out.

    We spent the next 5 years living separately, I bought the Ďthink of the futureí pitch. During that time we saw each other less and less, started talking less. But I was so sure that this was it, if we are still together now nothing could shake our relationship bad enough to keep us apart, like, fairy tale love. In my mind we were comfortable, and it was just how people who have been together around a decade behaved. I even encouraged him to find a sex buddy until we could live together again. (I donít see love and sex on the same level, and we are into some wild stuff, donít ask)

    In that 5 years we even agreed to tell our parents and friends we had gotten back together.


    We spent a weekend together just before Valentines day Ď18. The first two night visit we have had together in over two years. It was a lovely weekend. The next day, the 14th, I found his Facebook. He told me years ago he didnít want to make one, which I know lots of people who donít use it, so I took that at face value and trusted him enough not to go looking.

    I was miffed, but still not suspicious, until I confronted him. He told me he made it for school, but didnít add me before cause I had to be kept secret. I probed more, and asked why he didnít add me after he told his parents. He told me he lied and didnít actually tell them, and could not add me now as they might not help him with a downpayment on a home if they knew we were back together. I was so hurt, gutted. Then he had to go to bed.

    I went to snoop through his profile, but he had blocked me. I went to one of my gaming alt facebook profiles, he changed his name. I felt like I just downed half a bottle of rum and stood up too fast, everything spun. I was so upset I couldnít even cry.

    The next day, I waited till he was off work to snap on him, but he got off late and went to bed early, he went as far as to disable his text messaging. I was beside myself, I still couldn't cry.

    The next morning before he left for work he texted me back, letting me know we could talk after work.

    I was blindsided by his confession. That out of body spinning feeling was back and twice as strong, I just started at a wall for a few minutes before I could even think of a reply. He had been dating someone else, since Nov Ď12, they broke up Oct Ď17. They went on vacations together, parties, events, they were even public on facebook and he introduced her to his parents. All while telling me to just wait a bit longer and our lives together could finally start.

    He had slept with many other women as well during this time, twelve. Which genuinely does not bother me at all. When I asked him why, after he had a free pass to find a F-friend, he said he didnít think I was serious.

    He said the girl he dated was just a buddy that went too far. He told me he never paid a dime on their vacations, he even told me he never said I love you to her. He told me I was never supposed to find out, that it wasnít supposed to work out like it did. Neither of us wanted it to end, we met the next weekend at our usual Motel6, so he could show me his Facebook contents and explain everything to me.

    He said what he had to say, I told him for the first 5 years of our relationship I slept around quite a bit myself. I was a nymphomaniac for much of my life, my sexual appetite normalized around my mid 20ís. He did not seem bothered or shaken by it at all, but relieved.

    Needless to say we are trying to move forward. But I am Fraught and flip flopping between hurt, unconditional love, hope, and fear.

    I know trying to move forward and build a life with this man is foolish. I know I shouldnít be so readily trusting of him after all the lies. I canít bring myself to leave, he had become my life, I put all my eggs in his basket. I feel trapped. But, I also feel like I want this, like I want it to work out. I know this is something I can move past and get over in time.

    Since all this happened, we have been talking a lot more, but, more often sexually as well. He said he was going to work me into his life and tell people we started dating again in a few months time, but I had to ask him to unblock me and add me to his Facebook. He hasnít brought flowers or a gift, or even offered a back rub.

    Iím starting to feel I really am just an idiot, that this is history repeating itself. I want to end it but I just want it all to work out so badly.

    I donít want to escape.


    ~
    Our relationship has never been totally conventional, we are very much into BDSM and fetish. Sex is just sex to me.

    I'd really like to hear some opinions on this. Feel free to ask for more info, I did leave a lot out, it's hard to keep a relationship of 13 years short, and my writing is, rather poor right now..

  2. #2
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    I don't think this is a relationship. After all, he dated another girl for 5 years and you didn't know! It's just some sort of Friends With Benefits thing. You should probably butt out of his personal life, stop reading his social media, don't ask him any questions about what he's doing, and stop thinking you have a relationship with this guy. Meet him when you want to have sex with him. You don't seem to have much of a connection with him otherwise. I think you're just fooling yourself about being in a relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Davross
    So we started dating back in Ď06, I was in my late teens and he was in my city for college. Our relationship was great for a long time, but by Ď10 we were constantly fighting. It got really bad.

    Around 5 years in we moved in together, things improved for a while, but then it got worse at an exponential rate.

    Then I did a midnight move, and stayed with a friend for a while. He looked me up a month or so after to ask why, he was so heart broken. We started talking again, smoothed things over and started sleeping together about once a month.

    This went on for a little over a year. In that year I started to feel like he really did love me after all. My life was a mess and he was there for me in every way he could be. Finally I offered to take him back, he accepted.

    Something was off though, we almost broke up again in Ď13 because of how off it was. He had even refused to add me as a lover in a fetish community website we have been part of for years. He convinced me after I did the midngiht move while he was doing a night shift intern, that he had to keep me secret from his family and friends until he went back to school and finished again so they would not refuse him support. The first career choice didnít pan out.

    We spent the next 5 years living separately, I bought the Ďthink of the futureí pitch. During that time we saw each other less and less, started talking less. But I was so sure that this was it, if we are still together now nothing could shake our relationship bad enough to keep us apart, like, fairy tale love. In my mind we were comfortable, and it was just how people who have been together around a decade behaved. I even encouraged him to find a sex buddy until we could live together again. (I donít see love and sex on the same level, and we are into some wild stuff, donít ask)

    In that 5 years we even agreed to tell our parents and friends we had gotten back together.


    We spent a weekend together just before Valentines day Ď18. The first two night visit we have had together in over two years. It was a lovely weekend. The next day, the 14th, I found his Facebook. He told me years ago he didnít want to make one, which I know lots of people who donít use it, so I took that at face value and trusted him enough not to go looking.

    I was miffed, but still not suspicious, until I confronted him. He told me he made it for school, but didnít add me before cause I had to be kept secret. I probed more, and asked why he didnít add me after he told his parents. He told me he lied and didnít actually tell them, and could not add me now as they might not help him with a downpayment on a home if they knew we were back together. I was so hurt, gutted. Then he had to go to bed.

    I went to snoop through his profile, but he had blocked me. I went to one of my gaming alt facebook profiles, he changed his name. I felt like I just downed half a bottle of rum and stood up too fast, everything spun. I was so upset I couldnít even cry.

    The next day, I waited till he was off work to snap on him, but he got off late and went to bed early, he went as far as to disable his text messaging. I was beside myself, I still couldn't cry.

    The next morning before he left for work he texted me back, letting me know we could talk after work.

    I was blindsided by his confession. That out of body spinning feeling was back and twice as strong, I just started at a wall for a few minutes before I could even think of a reply. He had been dating someone else, since Nov Ď12, they broke up Oct Ď17. They went on vacations together, parties, events, they were even public on facebook and he introduced her to his parents. All while telling me to just wait a bit longer and our lives together could finally start.

    He had slept with many other women as well during this time, twelve. Which genuinely does not bother me at all. When I asked him why, after he had a free pass to find a F-friend, he said he didnít think I was serious.

    He said the girl he dated was just a buddy that went too far. He told me he never paid a dime on their vacations, he even told me he never said I love you to her. He told me I was never supposed to find out, that it wasnít supposed to work out like it did. Neither of us wanted it to end, we met the next weekend at our usual Motel6, so he could show me his Facebook contents and explain everything to me.

    He said what he had to say, I told him for the first 5 years of our relationship I slept around quite a bit myself. I was a nymphomaniac for much of my life, my sexual appetite normalized around my mid 20ís. He did not seem bothered or shaken by it at all, but relieved.

    Needless to say we are trying to move forward. But I am Fraught and flip flopping between hurt, unconditional love, hope, and fear.

    I know trying to move forward and build a life with this man is foolish. I know I shouldnít be so readily trusting of him after all the lies. I canít bring myself to leave, he had become my life, I put all my eggs in his basket. I feel trapped. But, I also feel like I want this, like I want it to work out. I know this is something I can move past and get over in time.

    Since all this happened, we have been talking a lot more, but, more often sexually as well. He said he was going to work me into his life and tell people we started dating again in a few months time, but I had to ask him to unblock me and add me to his Facebook. He hasnít brought flowers or a gift, or even offered a back rub.

    Iím starting to feel I really am just an idiot, that this is history repeating itself. I want to end it but I just want it all to work out so badly.

    I donít want to escape.


    ~
    Our relationship has never been totally conventional, we are very much into BDSM and fetish. Sex is just sex to me.

    I'd really like to hear some opinions on this. Feel free to ask for more info, I did leave a lot out, it's hard to keep a relationship of 13 years short, and my writing is, rather poor right now..
    is he Indian or Muslim? All this my parents wonít pay for school or a down payment if they know Iím dating you is typical of Muslim men who date behind their parents backs.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Liraele's Avatar
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    So... here's the thing. An open/polyamorous/whatever you want to call it relationship requires one thing above all other in order to be truly successful... and that one thing is honesty.

    Dude lied to you for five (5!) years. He was dating someone else for 5 years. Let me repeat that: he was dating someone else for 5 years and lying to you about it.

    This seems like a train wreck, and you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. There are other guys out there who can have this type of relationship that you want and need without all the shadiness and secrecy. I'd suggest healing and moving on with your life.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you move out suddenly? It seems this has been a open casual sex arrangement with a brief roommates with multiple open partners.
    Originally Posted by Davross
    I even encouraged him to find a sex buddy until we could live together again. (I donít see love and sex on the same level, and we are into some wild stuff, donít ask

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    is he Indian or Muslim? All this my parents wonít pay for school or a down payment if they know Iím dating you is typical of Muslim men who date behind their parents backs.
    I wouldn't call him Muslim. There are Muslims that date behind their parents back but there's no intimacy. This guy has been with 12 women. Even if he were to claim being Muslim he's very very far from practicing to the point no Muslim would consider him Muslim. For him to openly date another girl and bring her home for 5 years is another thing that wouldn't be accepted by a Muslim family. They would need to be religiously married to do what he did.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Mari
    I wouldn't call him Muslim. There are Muslims that date behind their parents back but there's no intimacy. This guy has been with 12 women. Even if he were to claim being Muslim he's very very far from practicing to the point no Muslim would consider him Muslim. For him to openly date another girl and bring her home for 5 years is another thing that wouldn't be accepted by a Muslim family. They would need to be religiously married to do what he did.
    You have your head in the sand. Indian and Muslim women who date a non-Indian or Muslim woman behind their family's back do NOT have a chaste relationship. They sow their oats with 'western' girls and then treat their matched future wife respectfully and chastefully until marriage. They may even cohabitate with women if their parents are living in another country and won't know. In fact a poster here was in that very position and she was shuffled out the door when they came to visit and her things were hidden in the apartment.

    so you are on a fetish website and expecting him to be faithful? You walk out on him in the middle of the night without saying a word and expect him to completely be all in and trust you again? I think that i would leave this guy behind --- or if you won't, do not expect fidelity

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You have your head in the sand. Indian and Muslim women who date a non-Indian or Muslim woman behind their family's back do NOT have a chaste relationship. They sow their oats with 'western' girls and then treat their matched future wife respectfully and chastefully until marriage. They may even cohabitate with women if their parents are living in another country and won't know. In fact a poster here was in that very position and she was shuffled out the door when they came to visit and her things were hidden in the apartment.

    so you are on a fetish website and expecting him to be faithful? You walk out on him in the middle of the night without saying a word and expect him to completely be all in and trust you again? I think that i would leave this guy behind --- or if you won't, do not expect fidelity
    I'm not saying that there aren't men from India that do this. I'm saying they're not Muslims. I say this because the penalty in Islam is eternal hell for relations outside of marriage. I know of Muslim couples that are interracial and did save themselves for marriage, just as I know there are christian couples that saved themselves for marriage as well. I recommend that you not make this generalization. I'm sorry if something like this happened to you but I would say that person was not Muslim as he did not take his religion seriously.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mari
    I wouldn't call him Muslim. There are Muslims that date behind their parents back but there's no intimacy. This guy has been with 12 women. Even if he were to claim being Muslim he's very very far from practicing to the point no Muslim would consider him Muslim. For him to openly date another girl and bring her home for 5 years is another thing that wouldn't be accepted by a Muslim family. They would need to be religiously married to do what he did.
    I have read enough forums started by non-indian/non muslim women who have dated muslim men and been shredded the same way as Davross has been shredded to know that you are mistaken. The fact he won't go against his parents wishes because they'll cut him off financially makes him more Muslim then not.

    I would say that person was not Muslim as he did not take his religion seriously.
    There are hypocritical people in ALL religions.

    Op: If he is Indian or Muslim or agnostic or from Mars ... no matter what he is you've been "filler" until he gets with the woman his parents have chosen for him or who is more suitable to what his parents would find acceptable. He's far too weak to ever have fought for you to be in his life. There is a special place in hell for people like him.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Liraele
    Dude lied to you for five (5!) years. He was dating someone else for 5 years. Let me repeat that: he was dating someone else for 5 years and lying to you about it.
    That's what I'm saying.

    Davross, this is a serious question: what exactly do you see in this guy?

    Consider the following:

    He lied to you for five years.
    He lied to his girlfriend for five years.
    He misrepresented himself to his family and friends for at least five years.
    He wouldn't publicly acknowledge you for five years.

    What does he have to offer you?

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