Over 10 years, he was dating someone else for 5 of them...

So we started dating back in ‘06, I was in my late teens and he was in my city for college. Our relationship was great for a long time, but by ‘10 we were constantly fighting. It got really bad.

Around 5 years in we moved in together, things improved for a while, but then it got worse at an exponential rate.

Then I did a midnight move, and stayed with a friend for a while. He looked me up a month or so after to ask why, he was so heart broken. We started talking again, smoothed things over and started sleeping together about once a month.

This went on for a little over a year. In that year I started to feel like he really did love me after all. My life was a mess and he was there for me in every way he could be. Finally I offered to take him back, he accepted.

Something was off though, we almost broke up again in ‘13 because of how off it was. He had even refused to add me as a lover in a fetish community website we have been part of for years. He convinced me after I did the midngiht move while he was doing a night shift intern, that he had to keep me secret from his family and friends until he went back to school and finished again so they would not refuse him support. The first career choice didn’t pan out.

We spent the next 5 years living separately, I bought the ‘think of the future’ pitch. During that time we saw each other less and less, started talking less. But I was so sure that this was it, if we are still together now nothing could shake our relationship bad enough to keep us apart, like, fairy tale love. In my mind we were comfortable, and it was just how people who have been together around a decade behaved. I even encouraged him to find a sex buddy until we could live together again. (I don’t see love and sex on the same level, and we are into some wild stuff, don’t ask)

In that 5 years we even agreed to tell our parents and friends we had gotten back together.

We spent a weekend together just before Valentines day ‘18. The first two night visit we have had together in over two years. It was a lovely weekend. The next day, the 14th, I found his Facebook. He told me years ago he didn’t want to make one, which I know lots of people who don’t use it, so I took that at face value and trusted him enough not to go looking.

I was miffed, but still not suspicious, until I confronted him. He told me he made it for school, but didn’t add me before cause I had to be kept secret. I probed more, and asked why he didn’t add me after he told his parents. He told me he lied and didn’t actually tell them, and could not add me now as they might not help him with a downpayment on a home if they knew we were back together. I was so hurt, gutted. Then he had to go to bed.

I went to snoop through his profile, but he had blocked me. I went to one of my gaming alt facebook profiles, he changed his name. I felt like I just downed half a bottle of rum and stood up too fast, everything spun. I was so upset I couldn’t even cry.

The next day, I waited till he was off work to snap on him, but he got off late and went to bed early, he went as far as to disable his text messaging. I was beside myself, I still couldn't cry.

The next morning before he left for work he texted me back, letting me know we could talk after work.

I was blindsided by his confession. That out of body spinning feeling was back and twice as strong, I just started at a wall for a few minutes before I could even think of a reply. He had been dating someone else, since Nov ‘12, they broke up Oct ‘17. They went on vacations together, parties, events, they were even public on facebook and he introduced her to his parents. All while telling me to just wait a bit longer and our lives together could finally start.

He had slept with many other women as well during this time, twelve. Which genuinely does not bother me at all. When I asked him why, after he had a free pass to find a F-friend, he said he didn’t think I was serious.

He said the girl he dated was just a buddy that went too far. He told me he never paid a dime on their vacations, he even told me he never said I love you to her. He told me I was never supposed to find out, that it wasn’t supposed to work out like it did. Neither of us wanted it to end, we met the next weekend at our usual Motel6, so he could show me his Facebook contents and explain everything to me.

He said what he had to say, I told him for the first 5 years of our relationship I slept around quite a bit myself. I was a nymphomaniac for much of my life, my sexual appetite normalized around my mid 20’s. He did not seem bothered or shaken by it at all, but relieved.

Needless to say we are trying to move forward. But I am Fraught and flip flopping between hurt, unconditional love, hope, and fear.

I know trying to move forward and build a life with this man is foolish. I know I shouldn’t be so readily trusting of him after all the lies. I can’t bring myself to leave, he had become my life, I put all my eggs in his basket. I feel trapped. But, I also feel like I want this, like I want it to work out. I know this is something I can move past and get over in time.

Since all this happened, we have been talking a lot more, but, more often sexually as well. He said he was going to work me into his life and tell people we started dating again in a few months time, but I had to ask him to unblock me and add me to his Facebook. He hasn’t brought flowers or a gift, or even offered a back rub.

I’m starting to feel I really am just an idiot, that this is history repeating itself. I want to end it but I just want it all to work out so badly.

I don’t want to escape.

~

Our relationship has never been totally conventional, we are very much into BDSM and fetish. Sex is just sex to me.

I'd really like to hear some opinions on this. Feel free to ask for more info, I did leave a lot out, it's hard to keep a relationship of 13 years short, and my writing is, rather poor right now..

I don't think this is a relationship. After all, he dated another girl for 5 years and you didn't know! It's just some sort of Friends With Benefits thing. You should probably butt out of his personal life, stop reading his social media, don't ask him any questions about what he's doing, and stop thinking you have a relationship with this guy. Meet him when you want to have sex with him. You don't seem to have much of a connection with him otherwise. I think you're just fooling yourself about being in a relationship.

So we started dating back in ‘06, I was in my late teens and he was in my city for college. Our relationship was great for a long time, but by ‘10 we were constantly fighting. It got really bad.

 

Around 5 years in we moved in together, things improved for a while, but then it got worse at an exponential rate.

 

Then I did a midnight move, and stayed with a friend for a while. He looked me up a month or so after to ask why, he was so heart broken. We started talking again, smoothed things over and started sleeping together about once a month.

 

This went on for a little over a year. In that year I started to feel like he really did love me after all. My life was a mess and he was there for me in every way he could be. Finally I offered to take him back, he accepted.

 

Something was off though, we almost broke up again in ‘13 because of how off it was. He had even refused to add me as a lover in a fetish community website we have been part of for years. He convinced me after I did the midngiht move while he was doing a night shift intern, that he had to keep me secret from his family and friends until he went back to school and finished again so they would not refuse him support. The first career choice didn’t pan out.

 

We spent the next 5 years living separately, I bought the ‘think of the future’ pitch. During that time we saw each other less and less, started talking less. But I was so sure that this was it, if we are still together now nothing could shake our relationship bad enough to keep us apart, like, fairy tale love. In my mind we were comfortable, and it was just how people who have been together around a decade behaved. I even encouraged him to find a sex buddy until we could live together again. (I don’t see love and sex on the same level, and we are into some wild stuff, don’t ask)

 

In that 5 years we even agreed to tell our parents and friends we had gotten back together.

 

 

We spent a weekend together just before Valentines day ‘18. The first two night visit we have had together in over two years. It was a lovely weekend. The next day, the 14th, I found his Facebook. He told me years ago he didn’t want to make one, which I know lots of people who don’t use it, so I took that at face value and trusted him enough not to go looking.

 

I was miffed, but still not suspicious, until I confronted him. He told me he made it for school, but didn’t add me before cause I had to be kept secret. I probed more, and asked why he didn’t add me after he told his parents. He told me he lied and didn’t actually tell them, and could not add me now as they might not help him with a downpayment on a home if they knew we were back together. I was so hurt, gutted. Then he had to go to bed.

 

I went to snoop through his profile, but he had blocked me. I went to one of my gaming alt facebook profiles, he changed his name. I felt like I just downed half a bottle of rum and stood up too fast, everything spun. I was so upset I couldn’t even cry.

 

The next day, I waited till he was off work to snap on him, but he got off late and went to bed early, he went as far as to disable his text messaging. I was beside myself, I still couldn't cry.

 

The next morning before he left for work he texted me back, letting me know we could talk after work.

 

I was blindsided by his confession. That out of body spinning feeling was back and twice as strong, I just started at a wall for a few minutes before I could even think of a reply. He had been dating someone else, since Nov ‘12, they broke up Oct ‘17. They went on vacations together, parties, events, they were even public on facebook and he introduced her to his parents. All while telling me to just wait a bit longer and our lives together could finally start.

 

He had slept with many other women as well during this time, twelve. Which genuinely does not bother me at all. When I asked him why, after he had a free pass to find a F-friend, he said he didn’t think I was serious.

 

He said the girl he dated was just a buddy that went too far. He told me he never paid a dime on their vacations, he even told me he never said I love you to her. He told me I was never supposed to find out, that it wasn’t supposed to work out like it did. Neither of us wanted it to end, we met the next weekend at our usual Motel6, so he could show me his Facebook contents and explain everything to me.

 

He said what he had to say, I told him for the first 5 years of our relationship I slept around quite a bit myself. I was a nymphomaniac for much of my life, my sexual appetite normalized around my mid 20’s. He did not seem bothered or shaken by it at all, but relieved.

 

Needless to say we are trying to move forward. But I am Fraught and flip flopping between hurt, unconditional love, hope, and fear.

 

I know trying to move forward and build a life with this man is foolish. I know I shouldn’t be so readily trusting of him after all the lies. I can’t bring myself to leave, he had become my life, I put all my eggs in his basket. I feel trapped. But, I also feel like I want this, like I want it to work out. I know this is something I can move past and get over in time.

 

Since all this happened, we have been talking a lot more, but, more often sexually as well. He said he was going to work me into his life and tell people we started dating again in a few months time, but I had to ask him to unblock me and add me to his Facebook. He hasn’t brought flowers or a gift, or even offered a back rub.

 

I’m starting to feel I really am just an idiot, that this is history repeating itself. I want to end it but I just want it all to work out so badly.

 

I don’t want to escape.

 

 

~

Our relationship has never been totally conventional, we are very much into BDSM and fetish. Sex is just sex to me.

 

I'd really like to hear some opinions on this. Feel free to ask for more info, I did leave a lot out, it's hard to keep a relationship of 13 years short, and my writing is, rather poor right now..

So... here's the thing. An open/polyamorous/whatever you want to call it relationship requires one thing above all other in order to be truly successful... and that one thing is honesty.

Dude lied to you for five (5!) years. He was dating someone else for 5 years. Let me repeat that: he was dating someone else for 5 years and lying to you about it.

This seems like a train wreck, and you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. There are other guys out there who can have this type of relationship that you want and need without all the shadiness and secrecy. I'd suggest healing and moving on with your life.

Why did you move out suddenly? It seems this has been a open casual sex arrangement with a brief roommates with multiple open partners.

I even encouraged him to find a sex buddy until we could live together again. (I don’t see love and sex on the same level, and we are into some wild stuff, don’t ask

is he Indian or Muslim? All this my parents won’t pay for school or a down payment if they know I’m dating you is typical of Muslim men who date behind their parents backs.

I wouldn't call him Muslim. There are Muslims that date behind their parents back but there's no intimacy. This guy has been with 12 women. Even if he were to claim being Muslim he's very very far from practicing to the point no Muslim would consider him Muslim. For him to openly date another girl and bring her home for 5 years is another thing that wouldn't be accepted by a Muslim family. They would need to be religiously married to do what he did.

I wouldn't call him Muslim. There are Muslims that date behind their parents back but there's no intimacy. This guy has been with 12 women. Even if he were to claim being Muslim he's very very far from practicing to the point no Muslim would consider him Muslim. For him to openly date another girl and bring her home for 5 years is another thing that wouldn't be accepted by a Muslim family. They would need to be religiously married to do what he did.

You have your head in the sand. Indian and Muslim women who date a non-Indian or Muslim woman behind their family's back do NOT have a chaste relationship. They sow their oats with 'western' girls and then treat their matched future wife respectfully and chastefully until marriage. They may even cohabitate with women if their parents are living in another country and won't know. In fact a poster here was in that very position and she was shuffled out the door when they came to visit and her things were hidden in the apartment.

so you are on a fetish website and expecting him to be faithful? You walk out on him in the middle of the night without saying a word and expect him to completely be all in and trust you again? I think that i would leave this guy behind --- or if you won't, do not expect fidelity

You have your head in the sand. Indian and Muslim women who date a non-Indian or Muslim woman behind their family's back do NOT have a chaste relationship. They sow their oats with 'western' girls and then treat their matched future wife respectfully and chastefully until marriage. They may even cohabitate with women if their parents are living in another country and won't know. In fact a poster here was in that very position and she was shuffled out the door when they came to visit and her things were hidden in the apartment.

 

so you are on a fetish website and expecting him to be faithful? You walk out on him in the middle of the night without saying a word and expect him to completely be all in and trust you again? I think that i would leave this guy behind --- or if you won't, do not expect fidelity

I'm not saying that there aren't men from India that do this. I'm saying they're not Muslims. I say this because the penalty in Islam is eternal hell for relations outside of marriage. I know of Muslim couples that are interracial and did save themselves for marriage, just as I know there are christian couples that saved themselves for marriage as well. I recommend that you not make this generalization. I'm sorry if something like this happened to you but I would say that person was not Muslim as he did not take his religion seriously.

I wouldn't call him Muslim. There are Muslims that date behind their parents back but there's no intimacy. This guy has been with 12 women. Even if he were to claim being Muslim he's very very far from practicing to the point no Muslim would consider him Muslim. For him to openly date another girl and bring her home for 5 years is another thing that wouldn't be accepted by a Muslim family. They would need to be religiously married to do what he did.

I have read enough forums started by non-indian/non muslim women who have dated muslim men and been shredded the same way as Davross has been shredded to know that you are mistaken. The fact he won't go against his parents wishes because they'll cut him off financially makes him more Muslim then not.

I would say that person was not Muslim as he did not take his religion seriously.

Op: If he is Indian or Muslim or agnostic or from Mars ... no matter what he is you've been "filler" until he gets with the woman his parents have chosen for him or who is more suitable to what his parents would find acceptable. He's far too weak to ever have fought for you to be in his life. There is a special place in hell for people like him.

Dude lied to you for five (5!) years. He was dating someone else for 5 years. Let me repeat that: he was dating someone else for 5 years and lying to you about it.

That's what I'm saying.

Davross, this is a serious question: what exactly do you see in this guy?

Consider the following:

He lied to you for five years.

He lied to his girlfriend for five years.

He misrepresented himself to his family and friends for at least five years.

He wouldn't publicly acknowledge you for five years.

What does he have to offer you?

I'm saying they're not Muslims. I say this because the penalty in Islam is eternal hell for relations outside of marriage.

In that case, there are millions who will be going to eternal hell. Do you honestly believe there are no Muslims who have relations outside of marriage?? Sorry, but that is pretty naive (imo).

What does he have to offer you?

My guess is the sex. He's turned her addicted to him with the BDSM or whatever it is they were into.

That's fine. But there are plenty of honest men out there ready and willing to give her the kind of sex that she's looking for.

Do you want a committed relationship with someone though? Or even the chance for that to happen?

I see you were in your late teens when you first got involved with him. That was over ten years ago now right?!So you'd be in your late twenties now?

Sometimes when we meet someone so young we can get attached in a way we wouldn't once we've had other dating experiences and relationships under our belt. I remember my first time I really got attached to a man, almost married him, and had a dousy of a time fully letting go . I just didn't have the life experience to smoothly deal with it.

This is your big relationship learning experience. And I think you being part of kink and whatnot doesn't really change too much here as far as the lesson goes. The lesson of learning how to let go of someone we are attached to, have feelings for, but who isn't good for us or isn't the right fit. This guy doesn't treat you well objectively. He's dishonest, he keeps you a secret, and he has a whole life you don't know about. He's not trustworthy. I don't know why you did a midnight move years ago, but you probably had a pretty good reason to take such drastic measures. Something serious wasn't working for you.

The thing is you'll never have a chance to see what's on the other side of your life so long as you are holding on to him. Even if it's just sex, it's time and energy you can't put somewhere else. It's like looking through a. certain pair of glasses .

What you decide now will effect the future for you. What kind of future would you like? There's more at risk than what you see now.

In that case, there are millions who will be going to eternal hell. Do you honestly believe there are no Muslims who have relations outside of marriage?? Sorry, but that is pretty naive (imo).

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm saying it doesn't justify a generalization. There are a lot of cultural Muslims that do have relations outside of marriage and they don't really practice. They just don't take religion seriously and are more worried about their appearance. But I would say that there are more that don't. I personally know 7 Muslim/Western couples that married. They're not posting their success story here so seeing problems everyday can make make the generalization seem valid, but it's not.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, I'm saying it doesn't justify a generalization. There are a lot of cultural Muslims that do have relations outside of marriage and they don't really practice. They just don't take religion seriously and are more worried about their appearance. But I would say that there are more that don't. I personally know 7 Muslim/Western couples that married. They're not posting their success story here so seeing problems everyday can make make the generalization seem valid, but it's not.

The dynamics in this particular situation makes the "generalization" feasible.

I'm not saying that there aren't men from India that do this. I'm saying they're not Muslims. I say this because the penalty in Islam is eternal hell for relations outside of marriage. I know of Muslim couples that are interracial and did save themselves for marriage, just as I know there are christian couples that saved themselves for marriage as well. I recommend that you not make this generalization. I'm sorry if something like this happened to you but I would say that person was not Muslim as he did not take his religion seriously.

No - something like that didn't happen to me.

I knew people who it happened to.

Actually, many guys don't really care about eternal stuff. They will smoke, drink, sleep with western women before they get married....then have their arranged or proper muslim marriage with a women they may have not slept with yet.

It makes no sense to be worried about him thinking about staying pure for marriage if he is in polyamorous relationships. Zip

•He's not Muslim, non religious.

•What I see in him, mainly, is that we are so much alike. He also loves me like no one else ever had, except of course my mother.

Even durring the last 5 years he was always there for me no matter what I was going threw, he even flippes my bills for a couple of months.

I see someone who has made a huge mistake.

He met her while we were broken up for a year. Neither of the officially asked the other out. One day she just started calling him her boyfriend and he played along with it thinking I was probably doing the same behind his back given my promiscuous past. When they broke up this past fall it was because she felt like they never left the FWB stage, he never told her he loved her or anything like that...

I guess most of all, I see a dumb ass.

•I did a midnight move on him because we were fighting like ferrets. Neither of us handled it right and it escalated one a few months. He became cruel, I refused sex and became a huge . Durring a fight one morning we got physical. He pushed me after getting pretting his face to mine yelling at me, and I attacked him.

(I deal with rage and anger in a much less explosive and destructive way these days.)

•I do want a commited relationship, but mot in the traditional sense. I don't want marraige and I don't belive in monogamy, but can take it or leave it. What I've always wanted was to find a 'soul mate' I guess you could say.

30, I'm going on 31 in two months. We've been togather 13 years minus the one after I left him.

Thank you for your reply itsallgrand. This gives me quite a bit to think about.

I can totally understand how after many years you can feel like he is the only that "gets you", specially if you're into kinky stuff. However, there is a downside to that where you feel isolated and feel that you can only relate to a few people including this guy. However understanding I try to be, he maintained a lie for 5 (!) years and I think that's cause for worry. That's one giant lie, and if he can keep that one, what else can he hide?! Under no circumstances, no matter how "alternative" I wanna be, I can justify that, and I think you're bound for more suffering if yo stay with him. Honestly, separating from him WILL be hard given all the years you've been together, but it might not compare to the years of doubt and misery that await you if you stay. I know it's hard, but if you need support we're all here for you!